31. Will #2
There was another knock at the door. “Room service.”
This time, I recognized the voice and flung the door open. “Thank god you’re here. Enrique is making us drink diamonds.”
“What? That’s incredible.” Miles stepped in, and my mouth dropped open when I saw who was behind him.
“Oh my god, what are you doing here?” I threw my arms around Tiffany. “Are you Miles’s date? How did you talk him into that?”
She hugged me back. “I have my ways.”
“You look amazing, and you’re wearing a dress.” Tiffany never wore dresses.
“Anthony let me borrow it.” She spun around to show off the form-fitting gown, with its bold pink print and wide belt. Anthony taught third grade and moonlighted as a drag queen, specializing in Michelle Obama.
“I’m giving the first toast,” Monika said once everyone had a glass. She stood in the living room with the Montreal skyline sparkling behind her.
“I’m so excited to be here, with old friends and new, to celebrate the marriage of Nandi and Andy.
Ever since I saw them making out at Elton John’s Oscar party, I knew this day would come.
As many of you know, I have a superpower.
I can watch any two people kiss and tell you exactly how long their relationship will last. And when I watched Nandi and Andy kiss for the first time, I thought, yes, they will be together all through their reproductive years, and they will have very cute babies. ”
I was surprised when James’s hand found mine. He must have sensed I needed something to squeeze. This woman was ridiculous.
“Long ago,” Monika continued, “countries would strengthen their alliances by marrying their children. Henry VIII married Catherine of Aragon, a Spanish princess, and to this day, the two countries are very close, at least geographically. While nationalism nowadays is only appropriate during the Olympics and Eurovision, there’s another divide we must bridge—the divide between meat eaters and vegetarians.
“Andy eats meat. In his lifetime, he will consume roughly seven thousand animals: eleven cows, twenty-seven pigs, two thousand chickens, eighty turkeys, thirty sheep, and five thousand fish. Nandi, like me, is a principled vegetarian. Unlike me, though, she doesn’t guilt-trip Andy at every meal.
She loves him, murder and all. And Andy, instead of becoming defensive about his questionable morals, recognizes Nandi’s superiority and worships her all the more for it.
” Monika lifted her glass. “To Nandi, Andy, and true bipartisanship.”
The vodka tasted, surprise, surprise, like vodka, although Enrique and Miles swore they could taste the diamonds.
Andy caught the bag of edibles Enrique tossed him and selected a red gummy. “How much do you want to bet Dad’s toast tonight is going to be all about him?”
“Oh, without a doubt.” I glanced at Miles, who was whispering something to Theo. Not a good sign.
“So, Ryan filled me in on everything. Are you really okay with this? Sounds like a lot of work for nothing.” Andy offered me the bag of edibles, but I passed it straight to Noel. The last thing I needed was to get high.
“It’s all right.” Great, now Miles had pulled Monika into their huddle.
“Hey, apparently they’re casting Wes Anderson’s new movie. My agent wants me to audition, but I don’t think I will. I don’t have that dry wit thing he likes, but you should totally go out for it.”
“Uh-huh.” Fuck. Now they were coming this way.
Miles put his hands on James’s shoulders and steered him across the room as if he were starting a conga line.
“Good news, Will,” Miles said with an evil glint in his eyes. “Monika has agreed to use her superpowers on you and James.”
It took me a moment to catch on, and when I did, time stopped.
I’m going to get to kiss James? That thought vanished almost immediately, replaced by, While everyone watches and analyzes?
This was bad. James didn’t want to kiss me.
He’d made that clear at the karaoke bar.
As far as he was concerned, we were friends, and friends didn’t kiss.
They hugged, cuddled, leaned, held hands, pressed their foreheads together, whispered tender endearments, but they didn’t kiss.
“Absolutely not.” I stepped back.
“Wait, what’s going on?” Enrique fished another edible from the bag and popped it into his mouth like popcorn.
Miles deposited James in front of me. “Will and James are going to make out, and Monika is going to tell me if I need to get a divorce lawyer.”
James’s eyebrows shot up. “What’s he talking about?”
Nandi clapped. “Oh, this is perfect. I love watching two men kiss, and Monika is the real deal. She called Kim and Kanye and Bill and Melinda.”
Noel, the French model, asked, “Is it still working if they are knowing you are watching?”
“It’s not ideal,” Monika admitted, “but it should still work.”
“No, just no,” I said, walking backward until I hit the wall.
“Kiss, kiss, kiss,” Enrique chanted, and everyone joined in, including Theo, the fucking traitor. This was all his fault. “Kiss, kiss, kiss . . .”
Jesus fucking Christ. I met James’s gaze and saw a spark of mischief in his eyes.
Of course he was enjoying this. It was easy to kiss a friend.
Anyone could kiss a friend. But I wouldn’t be kissing a friend.
I’d be kissing the guy I’d been jacking off to all summer, the guy I was, against my better judgment, falling for.
“Kiss, kiss, kiss.” Their voices rose to match the pounding of my heart.
James smiled down at me, and I thought I saw his lip twitch. Jesus Christ, fine. I rose onto my toes and attempted to kiss the smirk off his face.
His full lips were wet and warm and smelled faintly of vodka. The contrast of their pillowy softness against the bristle of his mustache sent goosebumps rippling over my skin. It was the most thrilling half-second of my life. “There, happy?”
The chanting dropped off a cliff, and everyone stared as if I’d just stepped on a baby.
“Oh, come on, papi,” Enrique said. “He’s your daddy, not your grandma.”
“He’s got a point.” James shrugged, his grin even wider than before.
Fine. If they wanted a show, I’d give them a show.
I grabbed James by the back of the head, tangling my fingers in his hair, and pulled him into another kiss. With my free hand, I gripped his belt and tugged our bodies flush. Then, before I could come to my senses and run away in mortification, I forced his lips open and plunged my tongue inside.
Despite not taking part in the edibles, I felt high as hell.
Is this really happening? I’d expected the heat and wetness, the shortness of breath, and the heart palpitations, but I hadn’t expected James to grow hard against me.
I hadn’t expected him to taste like apples and toothpaste, and I certainly hadn’t expected him to kiss me back, to grip my shirt so tightly it came untucked.
“Well, fuck,” Andy said the moment I pulled away. “Is it weird that I’m super turned on right now?”
I stood there dazed, like I’d just run headfirst through a sheet of glass and didn’t yet know I was about to bleed out.
Enrique slung his arm around Andy. “Of course not. Incest is the best, and your brother’s hot.”
“So,” Nandi said, totally unfazed, “what’s the verdict?”
Monika pressed her hands to her chest as if praying, her face turning redder by the second, until she exploded like a Pentecostal touched by an angel. “It’s true love.”
Everyone cheered. Well, everyone except James and me. We knew the truth. It was just pretend.
Monika hung up the phone. “Okay, they’re ready for us.”
I could’ve used another moment to collect myself, but this wasn’t a big deal. So what if I hadn’t been photographed publicly in over a decade? No one was going to pay any attention to me, not with actual movie stars and models around. The big story was probably going to be Ryan’s shaved head.
James’s hand settled on my back. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” I wanted to puke.