49. Will #2
James stopped short, and instead of speaking, he closed his eyes and hung his head.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. And you didn’t just punish me, you know? My students needed me. They counted on me. Julian wasn’t even there on my last day. And do you know how many people he trusts? Two. Just two. Me and his grandma. And I went and disappeared on him without even saying goodbye.”
I didn’t dare step within arm’s reach of James, so I set his phone down on the desk and walked to the far side of the room, where the glass doors opened out into the garden.
“I’m so sorry, Will. I really am. I wish I could fix this. I’m trying to.”
I closed my eyes and breathed. James couldn’t have known about Julian or my other students. I had no right to act like an angry ex-boyfriend. None of it had been real. It had all been staged for mutually beneficial reasons.
Besides, Julian was going to have a hell of a time transitioning to first grade next year anyway. The loss may have come sooner than expected, but it had been inevitable.
“Listen, thanks for showing me. I know you didn’t have to. But, if it’s all right with you, I just want to be alone for a while.” I stared out at the garden, at the long shadows cast by the topiary, and waited for James to leave. But he didn’t.
“I couldn’t say anything at the wedding because I wanted Tony to think I’d been playing you for information.
He still doesn’t know I got it from him.
He thinks I got it from your mom. I thought I could use what I knew about him blackmailing your parents to blackmail him back, to get him to stop sabotaging you, to make him get rid of those videos once and for all. ”
For one thrilling second, I believed him. Then my brain caught up to my heart, which, even after everything, still reserved every tenth beat for hope. Pathetic. If there was any truth to what James was saying, then why hadn’t he called or texted? Why hadn’t he tried to explain himself before now?
“And who put you up to that? Who asked you to blackmail Tony? Was it my dad?”
When James didn’t immediately answer, I turned to face him.
“Yeah, but it’s not what you think.”
“How much is he paying you?”
He started to walk toward me, and I backed away.
“It killed me not to say anything, to just stand there and let you think you didn’t matter, that I was just doing this for a paycheck, but—”
“Aren’t you, though? Isn’t that what this all comes down to? My father’s paying you for a job, and you chose the job over me, right?”
“I wouldn’t put it quite like that.”
“I’m sure you wouldn’t, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”
He chewed his lip, trying to shape his next pathetic excuse. “The reason I wasn’t able to blackmail Tony is because he called my bluff. He knew I had feelings for you and would never use what I know to hurt you.”
“Won’t you, though, if the price is right? I mean, at least with Tony, I know the video is safe. He doesn’t want the world knowing Derek slummed it with me or that he fucked my mom. But nothing is stopping you from cashing in.”
“I would never do that. I did this for you. I was trying to protect you.”
I let my head thud back against the glass door.
“I believe you believe that. And I have no doubt my parents will do whatever it takes to buy your silence. And I’m happy for you.
I really am. I know this money will make a huge difference for you and Theo.
After all you’ve both been through, you deserve it. ”
“I don’t care about the money. I care about you. Why can’t you believe that?”
Was he serious? Jesus, it was like asking me why I couldn’t believe in trickle-down economics.
He moved closer still. “My dad kicked me out when I was sixteen, and I never went to college. I barely even finished high school. I’m a fuck-up and always have been.
But this summer with you and Theo, I don’t know, I felt like I was finally doing something right, like I was finally making something that could last, something that didn’t depend solely on me not fucking up.
It’s not just that I like you, though I do.
I like you so fucking much. You’re so friggin’ talented and sexy and smart, and you make me laugh.
But more than that, I trust you. I can’t even get over how much I trust you, like more than I’ve ever trusted anyone.
“Before you, I don’t think I fully realized how lonely I was, how isolated I felt being the last thread keeping my family together.
When we stared into each other’s eyes that time, that was when it clicked for me, when I knew.
I just knew. I was like, ‘Holy shit, I don’t have to be alone anymore, not if this works, not if Will stays.
And if something happens to me, that’ll be okay, too, because Will will be there to take care of Theo, and he’ll probably do a better job anyway. And maybe, for once—’”
“Jesus, what do you expect when you date guys fresh out of high school? You expect a 401K and a pension?”
“No, you’re missing the point.”
“No, I’m not. I’m really not. I get that you’ve spent most of your life living paycheck to paycheck, and I’m not going to stand here and pretend I know what that’s like, because I don’t.
I have Miles and Andy, and if I get desperate enough, my mom and dad.
Christ, I’m sure Enrique would lend me a quick million if I asked him to.
The whole world may hate me, but I’m never going to starve.
I’m always going to have a roof over my head.
“And I don’t fault you for wanting that, too.
Why wouldn’t you? Everyone deserves that kind of security.
But you don’t need me for that, not anymore.
Knowing what you know, my parents will set you up for life, and Theo, too.
And if you want another father figure for Theo, there are plenty of hot guys out there old enough to rent a car. ”
“Goddammit! You’re not listening. It’s not about the fucking money. It’s about you. You as a person, not your money. I like you, William Chapman, even though it pisses me off the way you treat yourself. I think we’re great together. Don’t you think we’re great together?”
I didn’t trust myself not to cave, so I stayed silent.
“I know it won’t be easy and that you’ve got a target on your back, but I don’t care about that. I really don’t. I think we can make this work, like for real this time. Can’t we at least try?”
I wanted to believe him, but he didn’t want me back, not really. He just felt guilty.
He was probably getting used to living in big houses and fancy hotel suites, to drinking diamond-infused vodka with supermodels and movie stars. But that wasn’t my life. That was Andy’s life. That was my mother’s life.
The me he’d come to tolerate wasn’t even the real me.
The real me lived in a tiny apartment with a calorie-counting drill instructor.
My idea of a night on the town was walking two blocks to play trivia at a dive bar with my co-workers.
I was in a poly relationship with my right hand and half a dozen pornstars.
I worked all the fucking time. That was the real me.
Was he going to be happy sorting through my mail, sussing out which death threats were credible? Were we going to go out to dinner and ignore all the people staring and pointing? And what about when the paps got Theo in their crosshairs? What would he do then?
He’d do the only thing he could do. He’d walk away. I wasn’t worth the hassle.
“How much did you get, by the way? How much is fucking me over worth? Actually, don’t answer that.
If it’s not very much, I’ll feel even worse.
And if it’s a lot, I’ll sympathize with you, and I don’t want to sympathize with you, not right now.
I mean, for all I know, the only reason you’re doing this is because it just occurred to you that I’m about to inherit all this.
” I gestured around the cavernous library. “Well, half of it, anyway.”
“I don’t want your money. I wish you could believe that.”
The tears were back in my eyes before I could stop them. “Yeah, so do I. But I can’t. Now please go, and let me drink in peace.”