Chapter 2
TWO
Alex
I’ve never been blackout drunk. I got a strong buzz here and there while partying with my friends, but I’ve never been in a position where I completely lost control of the situation or I didn’t remember anything the next day. I’ve always valued my self control more than anything else.
Now, as I stare at the amber liquid in my glass, I wish I could just grab the entire bottle and down it in one go. Forget about reality, or, better yet, never come back to reality again.
I pick up the cell phone, ready to make a phone call to one of my friends.
But then I remember that they are all busy with new girlfriends or wives, who are no fans of mine.
I somehow managed to dig myself into a big hole with everyone, to the point where I know that I don’t even get invited to some of the get togethers they participate in.
”Fuck!”
I squeeze my hand into a tight fist, ready to throw the glass against the wall. That would imply lack of control, and that is not something I would do.
And all this because of what? A woman.
The word tastes bitter in my mouth. This is one position I never imagined myself to be in.
My father lectured to me from a very young age that women are the root of all evil.
They are only after your money, and the more money you have, the more they try to pin you down.
The easiest way to do that would be through a pregnancy, which is why I have been very strict about using condoms and making sure that the women I was with were on birth control as well.
There would be no accidents on my watch.
Enter Mona Higgins, the woman I can’t get out of my head, especially after it’s become very obvious that she blocked me on any platform I could reach her, including at her job.
The phone rings in my hand, and I am way too hopeful when I whip my head around to look at the screen. Disappointment floods my system when I see that it’s not her.
”Hey, man, how’s it going?” Kyle sounds way too cheery for my liking.
I’ve always considered us best friends, but after my behavior in front of his girlfriend, I am not even sure he considers me a friend anymore, let alone a best friend. We are now friendly acquaintances, with him also contracting with my video game company as a game developer.
”It’s fucking going,” I answer, not in the mood to talk to anyone right now.
”You are such a joy,” he lets out a snort of laughter. “Thank God I’m not depressed, or I’d wanna throw myself off a building with the way you’re acting.”
I roll my eyes, phone stuck to my ear. “Don’t hesitate jumping on my account.”
”Oh wow, you really are in a foul mood today.”
I reach for the glass sitting on the side table and take a healthy sip. The alcohol burns down my throat and all the way into my stomach. It leaves a trail of despair and agony in its wake.
”Why did you call, Kyle?” Other than for work related stuff, we haven’t communicated in a while.
He clears his throat a few times, which is at complete odds with the carefree vibe he normally puts out.
”Cal and Evie are having a backyard get together. Probably the last one before the snow hits. There’ll be a bonfire…”
Cal is part of our guy group. He and Evie have been a couple for a while now, and out of all my friends’ significant others, I probably like Evie the best.
“And…?” I say snarkily when Kyle doesn’t finish whatever he’s go to say.
”And I am calling to see if you’d like to come, fucker. Why do you think I mentioned it?”
I laugh, sarcasm dripping from every sound coming out of my mouth. “Beats me.”
”We’re all ready to beat you.” He mumbles under his breath, but I can hear him clear as day.
”What was that?”
“We hope to see you.” He exaggerates each word, speaking slowly and a little too loud.
The smile on my face is only brief. I quickly remember that none of them cared about whether I’d be around or not for quite a while now. I don’t want to act like a bitch and complain about it, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit if only to myself that I was hurt by the fact.
”I’m gonna pass.”
My voice is cold and unforgiving when I speak. I sound like an asshole even to my own ears. No wonder they all dislike me as much as they do.
”Just like that?” Kyle asks in an incredulous tone. “Pass?”
”Am I not allowed to pass?”
He lets out a heavy sigh, like he’s about to give up on me. I knew it was coming, and now it’s just a matter of bracing for impact. It shouldn’t be too terrible.
”Why?”
I didn’t expect him to ask that. I thought he’d just get irritated and tell me off.
”I thought I’d become persona non grata with everyone.
” I take another sip from my drink, this time not as long.
“There are all these parties that I don’t get invited to anymore, which is fine.
I don’t give a fuck one way or the other.
But then you invite me to a random one after weeks of blowing me off. ”
”Blowing you off?” He sounds offended. “I’ve been working my ass off to finish this last project. And you should know since you have access to all my folders!”
His voice raises a little more with each word.
“I’ve been neglecting Zara to the point where I think she’s under the impression I’m no longer interested in her,” he adds as he refers to his girlfriend of about four months.
”Well, blame it all on me,” I say. “She hates me anyway, so what’s another thing for her to be mad about when it comes to me, right?”
Kyle becomes quiet, to the point where I almost squirm in my seat because it’s uncomfortable.
”Dude, I don’t know what your problem is, but we’re all worried about you.”
They’ve been talking about me. I guess that should make me feel better since I thought I was just a forgotten acquaintance by now.
”You’ve always had this obsession with these girls, that they’re using us for money…”
”That’s what women do,” I interject.
”You’ve progressively gotten more disturbing in your thoughts,” he declares. “The stunt you pulled on Zara…”
I close my eyes in shame at the reminder of my abhorrent behavior a few months ago.
We were all at the wedding of our friend Ray.
Everyone was having a great time until I took it upon myself to fuck it all up.
I noticed that Zara was standing by herself while Kyle had gone to grab them drinks.
I started a conversation with her only to end up insulting her and accusing her of being after Kyle’s money.
The night ended in a cluster of epic proportions that we still haven’t recovered from.
”I called her and apologized,” I now remind Kyle. “It’s her problem if she can’t get over it.”
She actually told me straight up that she wants nothing to do with me, and that she will never get over the humiliation I’d caused her. That was followed by her hanging up the phone on me. That was the last time she said a word to me.
”Can you fucking blame her?” Kyle yells at me. “And I wish that was the only instance when you were such a dick, but you did that to Hayden before that…”
”How was I supposed to know that she was loaded?”
Hayden, who is Ray’s now wife but then woman he was casually dating, gave me all sorts of gold digger vibes.
She was walking around like she was royalty, and like Ray was a stepping stone on her way to bigger and better things.
That raised all kinds of red flags in my head because I didn’t want her to figure out that Ray was loaded.
Turns out, she was a fucking billionaire a few times over, and she was only slumming it with Ray, whose millions felt like pocket change at that point.
”Do you hear yourself, man?” Kyle sounds like he is at a loss for words. “You’re losing your fucking mind. You’re gonna end up alone and miserable. You’ll have all your money but no one to share it with.”
”I don’t share.”
The snarkiness in my tone is nauseating.
In my head, I picture myself as a lonely old man who is in a snowy street, looking through a large window into a warm home where an older couple is sitting in front of a fire, watching with an indulgent smile on their faces as their grandchildren run around the room.
Every so often, one of them yells something, and they all laugh.
It’s some sort of a game they’re playing…
The breath gets knocked out of my chest when I realize that the older woman inside that house is Mona into the future. She has a husband and kids and grandkids. She looks happy. With another man.
My jaw clenches in a painful way, anger and jealousy eating me up inside.
In all the years we’ve gone back and forth, I never expected that she would cut me off at some point.
It was the perfect arrangement for me. I would send her away anytime I felt like she was getting too close, then I’d go back after her when I felt like enough time had passed.
”You sound stupid,” Kyle informs me. “And if you’re not realizing how stupid, then your brain cells have been completely compromised.”
I remain quiet, wanting to take his olive branch for what it is, but worried that I may have already dropped it before it even had a chance to reach my hand.
”My brain cells are fine.”
Kyle sighs again, long and hard, and completely at his wits’ end with me.
”What should I tell the others then? About Cal’s party,” he adds when I don’t respond fast enough. “You’re not coming?”
“I…”
”You’re a fucking idiot,” he cuts me off before.
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
Yeah, me and Zara went out with Ray and Hayden a few times.
So what? Zara doesn’t have any friends, and I was hoping she’d hit it off with these girls.
I plan on asking the other guys too if their women want to get to know Zara better.
What was I gonna do, bring you with me as my emotional support asshole? ”
When he puts it that way, I understand why I didn’t get included in any of this. It sounds like it was a couples thing, and since I am not part of a couple, it would’ve been awkward.
”Fuck!” I run a hand through my hair in frustration.
“Fuck is right,” Kyle agrees. “What is your problem? Is this about Mona?”
I had shared with him the fact that Mona was officially done with me. Since he’d always kind of been on her side, he was not upset on my behalf at hearing that.
”Fuck me, it is about Mona,” he laughs.
“I tried getting a hold of her,” I admit. “But I can’t even reach her at work. She managed to get all her calls screened. Short of me showing up there…”
Kyle sighs in sympathy. “Man, I get it. I was going to drink myself into a hole when I thought that Zara was done with me.”
Our situations are not the same at all, but I don’t say anything.
”You’ve dragged this girl around for years, man.
Years,” he emphasizes. “You were with her, then you were not together anymore. All women were evil and after your money. Then, you’d run into each other, and that girl only had to breathe your way, you’d fall into bed within seconds, so you were together again.
Then you started the whole sick ass fucking cycle all over again. ”
”It wasn’t just me breaking up with her,” I argue. “She broke up with me, too.”
“It doesn’t fucking matter,” Kyle declares. “You’re both toxic for each other. Move on.”
Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my knees and drop my forehead in my hand. I dig my fingers through my hair over and over again until I’m probably in danger of going bald.
“You’ve been all in your head, and we’re all worried about you,” my friend continues.
“You’d think we should care a little less considering how you talk to us, but here we all are, worried about where the fuck your head is at.
Based on this conversation, I will have to report to the group that it is up your ass. ”
I let out a low snort of laughter. Kyle is funny, always has been. I regret getting into his business and almost ruining his relationship with Zara.
”Will your girlfriend talk to me if I come to this party?” I ask.
”Well, uh, she…”
It’s obvious he didn’t expect for me to ask that, which is why he’s scrambling for an answer.
”Can you at least ask her to give me a chance?”
Kyle lets out a long puff of air. “I can ask her to consider it, but I can’t tell her what to do. She is strong headed, and I don’t want to piss her off. I’m in love with her, and I am working out the courage to tell her that.”
“Pussy,” I snort.
“You’d be a pussy too if you allowed yourself to actually feel something,” he deadpans. “But you declared yourself dead inside, and you’re doing a very good job of convincing the rest of us of it.”
I smile while staring at my shoes and shake my head at his tone. I’d normally snap at him, but I’m not feeling it.
”I’ll think about it,” I finally say.
He is confused. “Think about what?”
”The party, fucker. Isn’t that why you called?”
”Oh, that. Yes, and I also wanted to make sure you were alive.”
We hang up on a better note than how we started. I drop the phone on the table at my side and take another sip of the scotch I’ve been nursing.
It was good talking to Kyle, and I hope we can get back to the friendship we had before he met Zara. Maybe if I prove to her that I am not the asshole I showed her all those months ago, she’ll give me another chance at getting to know her.
Maybe I can find another outlet for all this anger I feel inside. When I was with Mona, I’d…
A frown forms on my face. No matter what I do, I can’t avoid thinking about Mona.
I am so fucked.