Chapter 19
NINETEEN
Mona
There’s that moment right before you are fully awake where you either feel like you got a good night’s sleep, or you’re miserable and still tired. That moment defines the rest of your day.
As I stretch under the covers, my lips stretch into a happy smile. This is the best I’ve slept in a long time. I feel fully rested, and like I could take on anything life throws at me.
“Good morning, baby.”
I freeze mid stretch, memories from last night flooding my brain. Alex showed up with dinner, ate me like I was his least meal, then he went to take a shower, leaving me to fall asleep while listening to him pleasuring himself in my shower.
Had I not been as tired as I was, I would’ve helped him with it. But my body felt like it was made out of lead, and my eyes were so heavy, there was no way I could’ve gotten out of bed if the building was on fire.
Now, I turn slowly in bed, only to find him on his side, as handsome as ever, especially with his hair all over the place like this.
“Good morning,” I smile at him.
I guess I should throw a fit that he’s still here, but what would the point be? Despite me still sleeping with him after the most recent breakup, I know exactly where my place in his life is, and I am prepared whenever he walks away again. Because there is no doubt that he will walk away again.
He cups my face with a gentle touch. “What time do you need to be at work?”
Just then, the alarm I have set on my phone goes off. I blindly reach for it to silence it, taking in what time it is.
“I have to leave the apartment no later than six thirty,” I tell him.
His sleepy eyes squint at me in confusion. “Why so early? I thought you didn’t start until nine.”
A bitter taste takes residence in my mouth. I could tell him that I’ve been going in early and leaving late to get more overtime, but talking to him about money has never been on the agenda. He didn’t care how much money I had or didn’t have as long as I didn’t ask him for any.
“My schedule changed,” I now tell him.
Since I can afford to lay in bed for a few more minutes, I do just that. Normally, I’d be scrolling through social media, or, as of late, check the Holidates app for any messages from the new guy, Jonathan.
“Are you seeing someone else?” Alex asks from seemingly out of the blue.
My eyes widen in surprise, and a chuckle escapes the back of my throat.
It’s like he could sense me thinking about Jonathan.
For a split second, I almost feel guilty.
Ever since I decided to get on the Holidates app, I’ve had this terrible feeling that I was cheating on Alex.
I would constantly need to remind myself that you can’t cheat on someone you’re not in a relationship with.
Besides, all that was for fake dating, not like I was on there to find love.
“I tried,” I confess to him, even though it’s not the full truth. “But the guy ghosted me.”
Julian Lewis is an asshole, I’ve concluded since our last communication. But it’s good that nothing came out of it. I went back to look at his profile picture, and I decided that he reminds me too much of a much younger Alex. I definitely don’t need to invite that in my life. One of them is plenty.
“Are you seeing someone else?” I force myself to ask. Honestly, I don’t want to know if he’s moved on from us already. At the same time, I need to know.
He stares at me like I surprised him with my question. He should know by now that I don’t have a problem with challenging him back.
“Not now. But I tried. Before.”
His words freeze me in my spot. All the good vibes I was getting when I woke up a few minutes ago are now gone. I try not to react only because I know that he expects it of me.
“A couple of years ago,” he continues.
I open my mouth to ask questions, but I’m not really sure what I even want to ask, or if I even want to know anything. Alex notices my hesitation, and he tries at least to look away in shame.
“It was after one of our breakups. I thought I was ready to go out there and meet someone else who would make me forget about you.”
Pressure gathers in my chest at hearing the words. But at least now I don’t have to feel so much guilt when looking on the Holidates app.
“I couldn’t touch her.” Alex’s tone is rough when he speaks again. “I was ready to throw up knowing she was not you.”
I try to play it cool. “It doesn’t matter,” I shrug. “We were not together anyway.”
“It does matter,” he snaps at me. “And you know what the worst part of that is?”
He stares at me like he’s waiting for me to respond.
“What’s the worst part?” I ask when it becomes clear that he won’t continue until I do.
He swallows with visible effort, anguish and despair etched onto his features.
“I didn’t learn anything from it.”
My eyes fill with water that I try to blink away. I don’t want to cry in front of him again. Last night was enough.
“I fucked up. Over and over again.”
I have no idea if he meant to say the words out loud, or if it’s something that was supposed to remain locked in his head forever.
“I was talking to Kyle about you.”
He throws me for a loop with the way the conversation is going. All I can do is try to follow along.
“He had a good point.”
I blink rapidly a few times, scared to even breathe. I don’t want to break whatever is happening between us. It is the first time we’re connecting at a cellular level, where the physical part doesn’t even come into count.
“What was Kyle’s point?” My mouth is dry when I speak, and the words barely pass my lips.
“He made me realize that I was raised to believe that all women were bad and not trustworthy.”
My eyes widen in shock. I’ve never met his parents, or anyone from his family for that matter. It’s like they didn’t even exist.
“Your parents taught you not to trust women?”
Alex sighs, sounding like he is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“My mother trapped my father with a baby. He never forgave her, and for good reason. He never allowed himself to trust another woman again.”
I lick at my lips nervously, unsure of how to react at this piece of information. I am grateful for him finally sharing something so deeply personal. It does explain a lot, especially when it comes to how stingy he’s always been during out times together.
“She did it for money, right?” I ask for confirmation of what I have concluded myself.
Alex gives me a smirk that downright scares me. “Yes, she did it for the money.”
I don’t know what else to say, and I have no idea where it leaves us.
If I am reading the situation correctly, I will never be good enough for Alex to trust me for me.
The only way would be if I won the lottery and became a bazillionaire overnight.
I got better odds at getting hit by a car on my way into work this morning. Which reminds me…
“Oh my gosh, what time it is?”
I pat the mattress in a desperate attempt to find my cell phone. When I finally do and bring the screen back to life, I am horrified at what I see.
“It’s six-oh-five,” I screech.
My legs are tangled in the sheets, and when I start flailing about, I only manage to make it worse.
“Hold on, I’ll help!”
Somehow, I can hear Alex speaking, but his words don’t connect to my brain. Instead, I rotate and promptly go airborne, but only for a second before I hit the floor, hard.
“Fuck!” There’s a lot of commotion as Alex is now fighting his way out of bed. “Are you okay?”
I let out a loud groan. “I think I bruised my tailbone.”
“Jesus fucking Christ!”
He picks me up and off the floor as if I weigh as much as a feather. He places me gently onto the edge of the bed and leans back, assessing me from head to toe.
“You could’ve split your head open.”
I bring a hand up to my head, my fingers automatically going to the back, searching for blood even though there’s no chance of it.
“That was a little funny,” I snicker. “I wish I wasn’t in such a hurry. I’d love to laugh about it.”
The muscles in his chest flex as he moves, making me wish we had even more time than just to laugh.
“Can I call you later?”
There is so much hope on his face when he asks, my chest tightens from the sudden pressure I feel there.
“You’re still blocked,” I whisper before I can think better of it.
His eyes go side to side as they take me in, maybe expecting me to say that I’m only joking. When I don’t, his face becomes a blank mask of subdued understanding.
“Maybe we can meet up somewhere more neutral,” I suggest.
I have no idea what I am doing here, or what the purpose of us seeing each other again would be, but I feel like I will regret it if I don’t do it.
Alex’s eyes widen in hope. “My friends are having a get together. Come with me. It’ll be fun.”
“I…”
Hanging out with his friends was never a top priority of mine. I never got to know them well enough to actually like them very much. I didn’t think they liked me very much either, so I purposely kept my distance.
“It will be fun.” Alex is more animated now. “All their girlfriends are going to be there, too. You’ll love them.”
My teeth sink into my bottom lip as I think things over. I don’t want to say yes. When I suggested us meeting somewhere more neutral, I didn’t mean right in the middle of his social group. How would that be neutral?
“I have a crazy work schedule,” I finally say. “I wouldn’t have time to attend any dinner parties.”
I push at his shoulders until he moves out of the way, and I am able to stand up.
I pull at the hem of my T-shirt, needing to put some space between us.
Without another word, I march out of the bedroom and walk into the bathroom.
I turn the shower on, and, as I wait for the water to warm up, I cover my hair with a cap because there’s no way I have time to wash it.
The actual process of washing up is on warp speed. The water is lukewarm, and by the time I am done and ready to get out, my teeth are chattering. I dry myself up as fast as possible, moisturize and brush my teeth before marching out of the bedroom, ready to get dressed and start my day.
“Jesus.”
I jump at hearing Alex’s groan. He is sitting on my bed, in only his boxer briefs, running his eyes over my naked body. I’ve never been shy about it, and it’s not like he hasn’t seen it all, but this feels somewhat wrong.
Deciding to play it cool, I wink at him. “Maybe next time.”
The smirk he gives me makes me realize that my words imply us repeating last night, or the time before when he showed up at my door.
“What time do you get off work on Friday?” He is smart not to pounce on my comment but rather redirect the conversation.
I yank a clean pair of panties from the dresser drawer. “It doesn’t matter what time I get off on Friday because I’ll be going to bed early.”
“Why?” He stares at me in bewilderment.
“Because I have to be up early on the next morning.”
By now I have socks on, and I pulled on a pair of dress pants. That’s followed by a bra and button-down shirt. I then march back to the bathroom where I yank my bag of makeup from under the sink while I keep an eye on the time on my phone. I literally have five minutes to make my face presentable.
“You have to work on Saturday?”
I almost poke myself in the eye with the eyeliner when Alex speaks from right behind me.
“Yep.”
I run the liner on my right upper lid, then the left, making sure it all looks even.
“Since when?” he speaks again.
I pat a primer onto the skin of my face before starting with the foundation., then some blush, bronzer, and, finally, mascara.
“Since they offered me more hours, and I said yes.”
I apply some lipstick on, popping my lips a couple of times until I am satisfied with how everything has come together.
“I need shoes,” I mumble to myself as I turn around and run dead smack into Alex’s hard body. He has clothes on now, too.
“Why are you working so many hours all of a sudden?”
My eyebrow goes up in question. “Why would you think it’s sudden?”
“Because you were not working this late or on the weekends before,” he sputters.
I shrug. “That was before. It’s different now.”
I push pass him and walk back into the bedroom. Fortunately, there’s not a lot of space where my stuff is stored, so the shoes I wear more frequently are lined up neatly along the wall. I step into the pair I want to wear today, ready to start my day.
A glance at the time shows that I am now running three minutes behind.
“I really have to go, Alex.” I rush to put a coat on, bag already across my shoulders underneath. “Damn it,” I mutter when I open the refrigerator and realize that I didn’t pack a lunch for today. Not like I have very many options, but still, it’s nice to eat when you’re hungry.
“What’s the matter?”
I’d rather die than tell him that I don’t have anything to eat for lunch at work today. Instead, I grab a plastic bag and throw in it a jar of peanut butter, one of jelly, then dig for some bread.
“How can I not have bread?” I am super irritated now.
Deciding that this will have to do since I am running out of time, I turn to face Alex again.
“Please come to this dinner with my friends on Saturday night,” he begs.
I squint my eyes at him. “I thought you said it was on Friday.”
“I got my days mixed up.”
My eyes want to roll to the back of my head, but I fight the urge to do so. Instead, I lead us to the door and walk us out of the apartment. I make sure all the locks are turned before marching down the hallway, plastic bag swinging back and forth as I go.
“I’ll think about it,” I snap at him when I can feel him breathing down my neck.
“Awesome!”
He sounds way too happy.
“I didn’t say I was going.” The level of my irritation has risen.
“I’ll wait for you outside the building at seven. Saturday night,” he reminds me.
The look I give him usually scares most people.
“If you don’t show by seven fifteen, I’ll leave,” he assures me.
This time, I do roll my eyes at him. What a way to end the day last night, and what a way to start the day this morning.
This man will be the death of me. That seems to be the only commitment he’ll ever want to make.