Chapter Twenty-nine Rowan
Chapter Twenty-nine
Rowan
“Heading out?” My dad asks as I come downstairs.
“Yeah.” I’m surprised to see him. “I thought you and Mom were heading to…” I let my voice trail off. They told me where they were going, but I’ve already forgotten. Somewhere else for some important business something or other.
“Green Bay. And the meeting got pushed a week.” He’s kicked back on the couch in the living room with his bare feet on the ottoman in front of him. It’s such a rare sight to see him relaxed and chilling that I almost sit down and abandon my plans for the night.
“Cool. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Yeah.” He has his laptop resting across his thighs and the remote poised in one hand. “Since I’ll be in town this week, why don’t you come by the dealership one night after school, and I can show you around and introduce you to some people. It’s been awhile since you’ve been there.”
That isn’t an accident. I used to love going there, true, but not in a long time. The thing I used to enjoy about it—being near my parents—became just one more place where they ignored me for work.
“Uh, yeah, sure thing.”
His smile lifts higher. “You’re going to love it.”
Every muscle in my body tenses as I turn to leave. How is it possible he knows so little about me that he can truly believe that? I know how. Because I’m a fucking coward.
I pause at the edge of the living room, squeeze my eyes shut, and then spin around.
“Actually, Dad. No.”
I open my eyes in time to see his forehead crease as his brows lift.
Before he can ask, I say, “I don’t want to work at the dealership.”
His smile returns, and he nods his understanding. “It’s only a few hours a week. You have to start somewhere. Graduation is just around the corner.”
“It isn’t about the work. I’d be happy to get a job after the season is over, but I don’t want to work at the dealership.”
He mutes the TV like the quiet will help him better make sense of what I’m saying. “I don’t understand. You’ve been talking about working there since you were a kid.”
“No, you’ve been talking about it. I gave up that dream a long, long time ago. About the time I realized that it was pathetic to want to work with your parents just so they might want to see you.”
I hate that I’ve admitted it as soon as the words are out, but it’s too late to take them back. My body is coiled tight with frustration of holding things in for too long. “You and Mom built this empire, so I get why you want it to stay in the family, but it isn’t what I want.”
“But…” He seems to grapple with my words, brows furrowing and mouth pulling into a tight line.
“The only reason I ever wanted to work there was so I could spend time with you. I don’t have any interest in business or finance.”
“You’re young. You might change your mind.”
“You aren’t listening to me.” I pull at my hair with both hands.
“You never listen. I’m telling you how I feel, and you aren’t listening.
I don’t want to go to FLU. I don’t want to study business, and I’m never going to work at the dealership.
Ever. I might not have it all figured out, but I know what I don’t want. ”
His voice softens. “I had no idea you felt this way.”
“How could you? You’re never here. And when you are, you’re working. You have no idea who I am or how I feel because you don’t know me at all.”
“That’s not true.”
“What position do I play?”
He stares at me.
“In soccer. What position? Fuck, what jersey number do I wear?”
I huff a laugh when he can’t answer either. Hurt and confusion are splashed across his features, but I’m too pissed to care. I leave him gawking at me as I storm out of the house.
I don’t take a full breath until I’m in my truck. I let my head fall back, and I grip the steering wheel hard with both hands.
Well, shit.
* * *
I go to the party anyway. I wasn’t really feeling it before the blowup with my dad, and now I’m really not, but I don’t want to sit at my house either.
It isn’t a big crowd tonight. The football team had an away game and the hockey team is on some weekend bonding retreat. The girls’ soccer team played in Pacific earlier too.
I try not to look around for a familiar head of red, curly hair, but I scan the party anyway.
Disappointment sits heavy on my chest when I don’t spot any of the girls from the team.
Or more specifically, Summer. I highly doubt she’ll come tonight, and I’m not sure what difference it would make anyway.
Staring at her across the party is probably not healthy. Fuck, I miss her though.
I make a circle around, saying hey to some of my teammates before finding a quiet spot inside on the couch. It’s me and a couple cuddled up on a love seat across the room. They probably want to be alone. But so do I, so I guess we’re both not getting what we want.
Leaning to one side, I pull my flask out of my front pocket. I unscrew the top and take a drink.
“Hey.” Vaughn takes a seat next to me.
I stare at him a moment, sure I’ve hallucinated him.
“Where’s Lacey?”
“She and Claire were going to the movies tonight. Thought I’d stop by and hang for a bit.”
“I’m fine. You don’t need to babysit me.” It’s the only explanation for his presence here without Lacey. Vaughn hates parties.
“Good, because I wasn’t planning on it.” He nods his head toward the flask in my hand. “Can I have a drink?”
I arch a brow in question but offer it to him.
He brings it to his lips and takes a sip, hesitates, then drinks a little more. “Is that root beer?”
“Alcohol didn’t help last weekend, so I’m trying something new.” I take my flask back and chug more of the soda. It isn’t helping either, but at least I won’t wake up feeling any worse than I do now.
Vaughn’s quiet chuckle cuts through the faint music from outside.
“Look, I know you’re hurting, and I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for you this week,” he says.
He has a look of genuine regret on his face that only makes me feel worse.
“No, I’m sorry. I was a dick to you.” And many others. I see an apology tour in my future.
“You don’t need to apologize. I get it.” He settles back into his chair beside me and kicks one leg out. “When Lacey and I were figuring things out, I was a mess.”
“It isn’t just this thing with Summer.” Though that is the worst of it. “Everything is fucked. I don’t know who the hell I am or what the fuck I’m doing anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“All of it. College. Career. Life. You have the next five years all planned out. Soccer. Lacey. Dreams and goals.” As I speak, irritation at my own indecisiveness makes me fidgety. “And same with Austin. You guys know what you want. And I can’t even picture next week, let alone an entire future.”
“You aren’t like us,” Vaughn starts.
“Yeah, no shit.” A gruff, deep-sounding laugh works its way from my chest to my lips.
“It isn’t a bad thing.”
“No? Because you two have both been side-eyeing me all season like you think my lack of concentration is going to cost us the playoffs.”
“Fuck the playoffs.”
Those are three words I never thought I’d hear come out of Vaughn’s mouth.
“Yes, we want to win state, but the reason we give you so much shit is because we see how talented you are.”
“I’m nowhere as good as you and Austin.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. The only difference between us is we know what we want and we channel all our focus to it.”
“I doubt that very much.”
“Seriously. Do you know how hard we work?”
I do actually. Really fucking hard. And to me it never seemed worth it. It was like my parents, channeling everything into work and neglecting other areas. I always chose balance over perfection.
“You don’t, and you still outperform us some days. It’s fucking annoying.” His lips pull up on one side.
Not often, but I think I get his point.
“You want to nomad around the country? Take over your parents’ businesses? Be the best soccer player ever? Whatever you decide, you will succeed. I believe that. So does Austin. So why don’t you?”
I shift in my chair. Now I really wish I had booze. I didn’t know this conversation was going to turn into a therapy session.
“Because there were no expectations for me. Ever. I see how your dad pushes you, but my parents never cared about school or soccer or anything else I did.” I shrug. “So why do it?”
“Because you want it. Whatever it is.” He pauses, runs his palms down his thighs. “As long as I have known you, you’ve been the guy who lives in the moment. Things happen and you adapt and acclimate immediately.”
“Yeah, I know. I can’t live in the moment forever. Graduation is coming and then what?”
“No, that’s not…” He shakes his head. “You think it’s a bad thing, but it isn’t. You’re looking at the situation from the wrong angle.”
“How do you mean?”
“The way you see the world is a skill, not a detriment. On the field when everything we’ve practiced goes to shit and everyone else is stressing about how to adjust, seeing you there acting calm and steady is what we all need.
You don’t know how rare that is. The only time I’ve ever seen you rattled is when you’re protecting guys.
I can’t tell you how many times I wished I could adapt as easily as you do.
Austin too. We’ll never have that because we work too hard to perfect the things we can control.
It’s a trade-off. And that’s why we give you so much shit.
We’re jealous, man. Nothing can take you out of your game when you’re in it.
You don’t let anything get you down, and there’s no way to rattle you. At least until Summer.”
I bite down on my back molars, suddenly wishing I had gone ahead with Jack instead of root beer.
“Hey, I’m here.” Austin’s breathless as he comes to a stop in front of us. “Who’s ready to party?”
I do the only thing I can think of and laugh. They really are the best friends a guy could ask for even if they are terrible at subtlety. “You two are so obvious.”
Austin looks from me to Vaughn. I lean forward and hold out my flask to him. “Chug the rest of this.”
He takes it from me and shakes it a little as if weighing how much liquor is in it.