17. Chloe
SEVENTEEN
CHLOE
NOW
The flight to LAX and the drive to Ojai went by in an instant as the past twenty-four hours with Tyler flashed through my head.
It feels like a pull in my chest is being drawn to him and yet I keep resisting.
The part of me that hasn’t been laid in the better part of a year wants to devour him.
I want to kiss every freckle on his face.
I want to explore each ridge of his muscular torso and feel his calloused climbing hands on my body.
But beyond the physical attraction, I feel free with him.
I don’t feel like I’m too much around him.
He never seems to pretend to enjoy my presence.
But I thought this way with Dane and look how that turned out.
It’s for the best I put the boundaries in place between us. It’s for the best.
We pull up to Annika’s family home in Ojai as the sun is setting behind the Pacific Ocean, in the far distance.
Warmth rushes through me as I step out of the rental car and view the stucco house.
I’ve always loved her home, with its curved walls, large windows, and desert landscaping. It still feels like home to me, too.
“Look who it is!” shouts Eddie Gomes. Annika’s parents and twin brothers, Joey and Wes, flood out of the house from the back door to greet us at the driveway.
Annika runs and gives her dad a big hug, and I do the same to Mia.
Even to this day, Mia feels more like a mother figure to me than my own mother.
I squeeze her and smell her Le Labo perfume, nostalgic memories rushing through me.
“Oh, honey, I missed you too,” Mia says, wiping away tears I didn’t realize were forming on my cheeks. “Did Anni tell you? We are going to come up to Auburn Hills to celebrate Christmas with all of you.”
“No, she didn’t tell me this,” I say, turning to Anni, who grimaces and shrugs.
“Surprise!” she says, and then Wes and Joey both give her a dogpile hug.
“You must be Tyler,” Mia says, reaching over to Tyler and engulfing him in a hug. Hugs were exchanged between all the members of Annika’s family as they gathered our bags and welcomed us inside their home.
We haven’t been back to Ojai since before we left for Auburn Hills.
The person I was back then feels like she existed a lifetime ago.
I was distraught from my breakup with Dane.
I was lost and was running away with my best friend to escape things.
And although it’s been amazing to be in Auburn Hills, I still feel lost.
At work last month, the classics book club I run at the store read The Bell Jar.
I’m not sure if I was supposed to relate to Sylvia Plath’s character in The Bell Jar, but I did—and it didn’t help that I read most of it while submerged in a hot bath.
The fig tree quote struck me especially hard.
It perfectly summed up how I’d been feeling: I want to do everything and don’t want to pick one thing.
I want to work at the bookstore, volunteer with animals, paint strangers at a beach, and maybe even travel the world and become a food blogger.
Why can’t I do it all? It feels unfair that I have to choose.
And don’t get me wrong, I love living in Auburn Hills.
It feels like a place that’s accepted me for who I am.
My friends and I have formed a little family of sorts and it’s supportive and loving.
And Auburn Hills has Tyler, and my stomach flips thinking of him.
Add living on his ranch and raising animals and planting a garden to complement my fig tree.
Yet, there’s something I just can’t place, that doesn’t seem like it will last. I hate feeling this way.
I run away from my problems constantly and I’m out of breath.
We spend the afternoon with Annika’s brothers, exploring the small town we all grew up in, except for Tyler.
He said it reminded him of Auburn Hills, just with different scenery.
I was worried that putting the brakes on us would tarnish our friendship, but it hasn’t.
He treats me no differently. We almost kissed, but it’s like it never happened.
He’s following my lead with whatever we are meant to be. Is this how it could be with him?
“So, where are you guys going to college?” Tyler asks Joey and Wes as we all sit at an outdoor café.
“We transferred to Stanford,” Wes answers.
“Whoa, Stanford? Isn’t that an Ivy League school?” Tyler asks while Wes chuckles slightly rolling his eyes.
“No, but it’s closest thing to it on the West Coast. Brainiac over here isn’t the only smart one,” Wes says, hooking his thumb over to Annika, who rolls her eyes.
“What happened to coming up to Oregon?” Reid asks.
“When they offer you a spot on their baseball team, you take it,” Joey states. “Plus, Wes is the real brainiac. He’s majoring in mechanical engineering.”
“Well, Joey was better at baseball than I was, so I don’t think I could’ve gotten in unless I went to the local community college first, then transferred,” Wes says.
“Says Mr. Valedictorian and class president. You could go anywhere. I have a theory he stayed back because of me. Because I didn’t get accepted anywhere out of state.”
Annika gapes. “Is that true?”
“I only applied to D1 schools. I didn’t get recruited out of high school. I didn’t have the grades or extracurriculars that Wes does.”
Wes is suspiciously quiet, drinking his drink. “So, Wes? Is it true? Did you stay back for Joey?” I ask.
He raises his eyebrow at me. “Yes and no. I didn’t know what I wanted to major in. I didn’t really want to pick a place to go to college to figure it out.”
“I feel attacked,” Annika says. She and I just picked our major on a whim.
We didn’t put a lot of thought into it. Well, Annika probably did, but I just followed.
I tend to follow whatever she does. Only until recently have I felt like I could venture out on my own.
I suppose that’s a gift Auburn Hills has given me.
The freedom to explore who I am. I started volunteering at the local animal shelter I got Dandy from.
I attended a portrait drawing class on my own and I’m about to move into Tyler’s cottage alone.
I smile at myself, quietly proud of my personal growth.
“When you play U of O, let us know, and we’ll drive to Eugene to watch you play. Although Oregon is my alma mater, I may have to paint my face in two different colors,” Tyler says, and the boys start laughing.
“We are definitely going because I need to see you paint your face,” Reid says, pointing at Tyler.
Outside my room at the Gomes’ home, the house is quiet.
It’s lacking most of the character that was present when I stayed here in high school.
I took a lot of the stuff with me when I went to college, but the Gomeses kept it set up as a guest bedroom and office space.
Eddie says he sometimes works from my old desk.
“Chloe,” I hear Annika whisper. She’s lying on the trundle mattress below me.
When I got my own room, I got this bed and Anni got a double bed.
It ended up being perfect because we’d still have slumber parties in each other’s rooms. For a split second, I thought Tyler and I would have to bunk.
It would be the first time just the two of us would be alone in a room since the night before we left.
Traces of his lips hovering on mine. Wishing they’d connect.
A part of me wishes I said, to hell with my relationship trauma and climbed on top of him.
And I can’t imagine how I’d be able to restrain if we were sleeping inches from each other but then Eddie told Reid and Tyler that they’d be staying in Anni’s old room and she and I would share my room. Well, that settled that.
“Yeah?” I whisper back.
“How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“I don’t believe you.” She pauses, maybe waiting for me to respond. When I don’t, she continues, “We haven’t talked about what happened with you and Tyler. And I know it’s hard for you being back in Ojai—it’s always hard.”
“I don’t know what to say, Anni.”
“You can tell me anything. You always can.”
“I know that, but I don’t know if I even know what I need. I feel lost. Being here has only made me feel more confused, especially when Tyler said it reminded him of Auburn Hills. Am I really doing anything in my life to be proud of, or did I end up in the same place I started?”
“You started volunteering! You have the biggest smile every time you come home from helping at the shelter. I’m quite proud of you, if it matters.”
“It does, and I do love helping the animals. I don’t know, I can’t really form the words. I feel like I’m trying so many things but nothing sticks. It’s not like you. Nothing gives me a spark.”
“Oh, Chloe, I didn’t know you were thinking all of this.”
“You’re not supposed to.”
“I’m your best friend. Of course I am.”
“We are moving apart. Which is okay—you and Reid are starting a life. He should be your best friend.”
Annika is quiet for a moment, then I hear her softly say, “You’ll always be my first best friend. I don’t want to move apart. Promise you’ll keep me in the loop. No matter how crazy you think you sound. You shouldn’t have these thoughts swirling around your head alone.”
I release a breath. “I promise.”
“Hey, Anni?” I ask, changing the subject, feeling too vulnerable in my old room “Do you remember when we went on that bowling date in high school?”
“Of course—it was torture,” she says, which makes me snort.
“Please. You liked Nico. He liked you. Why didn’t you do anything about it?” I ask.
“Why are you bringing this up?”
“Being here in Ojai has me nostalgic. I can’t help but reminisce.”
She exhales. “I guess I was always delusionally hoping Reid would move back, and I didn’t want to be in a relationship when he did. I wanted to be available to try again. Sounds so silly now to admit that. Teenage fantasies I guess.”