Chapter 17 #2
“No. It’s not like that. I wanna hear about you guys.
I’m happy for you. Really! I just . . . I don’t even know how to not be with Noah.
It’s been almost five years. Since freshman year of high school.
” She sniffs and wipes her cheeks with the backs of her hands.
“It started getting weird over the summer when we moved into the apartment. We became more like roommates. Now in college, it’s like we’re best friends or .
. . brother and sister.” She shudders on the last part.
“We still have a lot to talk about and catch up over lunch at least four times a week. Or dinner if he doesn’t have frat stuff.
But the frat is like his new family.” She chokes up again.
“I’m happy for him. I want him to have fun.
To belong. All the things. I just don’t know where I fit in anymore. Or if I want to.”
“Like you guys outgrew each other?” I offer this softly, wondering.
“Yeah, maybe.” She sniffs loudly. “I’ve never seen Noah so animated as when he’s talking about his BPΩ bros.
Especially his new BFF, Seth. Taught him how to surf and now that’s his whole personality.
” She’s picking at invisible lint on the pillow now.
“I went from being his whole world to the audience of his highlight reel. And the weirdest part is I’m not even sure if I’m sad about Noah or about not knowing who I am without him. ”
“Do you like school, living in SLO?” Picturing Lilly alone at school makes my chest feel heavy. It reminds me of when I first came to Blue Lake. How alone I felt.
“Yeah.” With a heavy sigh, she adds, “Yeah, I do.” Lilly hugs the pillow, one knee bent to her chest.
“For real, though? Or like ‘that’s what I’m supposed to say?’” I push, but gently.
“Mostly, yeah. It’s beautiful there, being so close to the beach. But . . .” Her heavy sigh says more than her words ever could. “I miss home. But like more than the place. I miss the feeling. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
“No, it does.” I cut her off. I know exactly what she means.
It’s more than Blue Lake for me. It’s Julian.
It’s Fit. Brew. But mostly it’s the way I feel about myself when I’m here.
“I like who I am in Blue Lake. And I’m not trying to make this about me.
I just mean . . . this place—which includes you—feels like a part of me now. ”
“So, you get it.” She turns her head, resting her cheek on the pillow, and pins me with her watery, milk chocolate stare.
I nod, feeling the pressure build behind my own eyes at seeing my bubbly, confident friend breaking down.
“But I’m not a quitter.” She blinks her eyes a couple times and tosses the pillow off her lap. “C’mon, I need ice cream. Got any?”
***
As the bright blue Bronco backs down the driveway, I lean against the open doorway, waving until Lilly turns onto the highway and disappears.
We stayed up all night talking. I worry she’s too tired to drive, but she insists she’ll be fine.
She promises to fuel her four-hour drive back to campus with plenty of caffeine.
I low-key want to go with her, to be her hype girl while she’s going through the weird shit with Noah, but I’d rather keep her here than go there.
One thing that listening to Lilly describe college life did is make me grateful for my online journey.
I get to keep my happy safe place and get my degree.
It’s clearer to me now what I want to do.
Maybe Blue Lake and Julian have become my whole personality, but is that a bad thing if I love it?
The way fitness changed my life makes me want to learn more about it and contribute to Fit in a way we don’t yet offer.
I want to talk to Allie and Julian about it more, but I’m leaning toward majoring in some kind of exercise psychology.
The way fitness plays a key role in dealing with trauma intrigues me.
Maybe Ashley can find a way to incorporate that expertise into the McKay Method, offer it to clients as part of the packages—if Julian is into it. Another maybe . . .
Am I still trying to make his life mine?
It doesn’t feel that way. I’m truly interested in pursuing this major.
Although I’m not exactly sure what that major would be—Sport, Exercise and Performance Psychology (SEPP) perhaps.
Mostly I just want to find a way to help build this life we love in a way that feeds my love of learning and passion for peace in the face of trauma.
I hope Julian is excited about it like I am.
Why are there butterflies swarming in my stomach at the thought of telling him?
But Lilly is proof of what the right environment and mental state can do in the face of stress.
After two short days at home full of fresh air, exercise and connecting with people who love her, she felt empowered and ready to face her life back at school.
This is what I want to contribute to Fit and the McKay Method.
This decision is like a giant exhale. Like I will finally have a light at the end of the college tunnel to focus on and work toward.
My love of and passion for writing will always be there, and who knows?
Maybe I’ll write a book about the psychology of fitness.
The thought puts a glow in my belly where the butterflies used to be.
My smile takes over my face as I step back inside and close the door.
Combining this new passion with my lifelong one is giving me all the feels.
Julian will be home soon, and, with a racing heart, I can’t wait to fill him in.
To placate my nerves, I go for a run. I do some of my best thinking while running.