Chapter 19
We enter the therapist's office, and Dad speaks up. "Hi. My daughter has an appointment with Rachel Tempoli."
She nods. "I'll let her know you're here. She'll be out shortly."
We sit in the waiting area. Ten minutes later, a door opens. "Miss Bellandi?"
I stand and look at Dad. "I'll be right here when you come back, sweetheart." I nod and make my way through the door, which closes behind me. I enter her office, with its blue walls, two leather couches, and an office chair set to one side.
Looking at her, I notice bright blue eyes and sandy-brown hair. She reminds me of Graham and seems about his age, perhaps a little older. She offers her hand. "Hi, Miss Bellandi. I'm Rachel." I shake it. "Hi. You can call me Nora."
She studies me. "That's a lovely name. Why don't we begin with you telling me a little about yourself?"
I nod and sit on a couch. She settles into her office chair opposite me. I start talking about my past, the abuse from my father and husband. I tell her my husband came after me and I shot him. Tears begin to fall.
She offers me tissues. "Nora, if you'd like to stop for today, just tell me."
I shake my head. "No. I have to do this."
She gives me a faint smile. "This isn't a race, Nora. Rushing won't make your feelings disappear. It takes time."
I nod. "I know. But maybe talking will help me understand what's happened and how I feel."
She passes me more tissues. "How do you feel?"
I sigh. "Angry. Sad. Depressed, ashamed, hurt... and heartbroken." Her expression turns startled.
"Heartbroken because you killed your husband?"
I shake my head. "No. Because I was cruel to someone I cared deeply about after he hurt me. Now he's gone." I explain everything that happened between Graham and me. I tell Rachel how wonderful he is, and how awful he was during that burst of anger.
She takes a breath. "It sounds as though he has a temper."
I nod. "I think he does. He's never hurt me physically, or even mentally, really, until that night. He thought I'd used him, cheated, and lied."
She nods. "How do you feel about that?"
I breathe deeply. "I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. One moment I'm furious with him. The next, I remember all the amazing things he's done, and I feel guilty about what I said. What should I do? Should I forgive him?"
She shakes her head. "That's not my decision, Nora.
Only you can choose whether to forgive him.
But I will say that you have a mild form of PTSD.
I think it would be wise to concentrate on your mental health and forgiving yourself before focusing on another relationship.
Give yourself time. Remember, this isn't a race. "
Realizing our session has ended, I nod and stand. "Thank you, Rachael. Talking to you helped."
She smiles. "You're very welcome. Here, read this. It's about emotions." She gives me a pamphlet.
When I leave her office, Renzo gets up and hugs me. "How did it go?"
I smile and hug him back. "Really well. I like her a lot." He smiles, and we leave for Bianca's apartment.
The week passes. Now that I've been back at work for a week, Bianca is less clingy. Note that I said less. She's still overbearing.
Friday night...
We get home after working late at the restaurant. I go to shower, but as soon as I begin rinsing my hair and body, I remember the shampoo is in the kitchen. Bianca was panicking about being late this morning and took it there to wash her hair quickly.
Annoyed, I shake my head, wrap myself in a towel, and head to the kitchen. Bianca is on Skype with Owen. On the screen behind him, Graham lies on a cot reading a book. One hand is tucked behind his head, showing off his broad, muscular body. Fuck. I'm in front of the camera wearing only a towel.
"Fuck, Bianca, you could've warned me!" I shout as I hurry into the kitchen and grab the shampoo.
"Well, I didn't expect you to wander out half naked," she says sarcastically.
I frown. "Yeah, well, someone left the shampoo in the kitchen."
She chuckles, and I hear Owen laughing, too. Fuck. He can still see me.
"Looking good, half naked in that towel, Nora," Owen says with a laugh.
Suddenly, a book smacks the back of his head. I watch Graham get up from the cot and walk away. "Dude, what the fuck?" Owen shouts.
Rolling my eyes, I turn to leave. "What is wrong with you two?"
Bianca chuckles. "He likes pushing Graham's buttons, and you're an easy one to push right now."
"Whatever," I growl.
She shakes her head. "Hey, you asked."
I head down the hall to finish my shower, smiling to myself. It makes me a little happy that Graham was jealous.
Weeks pass while I focus on myself, as my therapist and Dad wanted. Well... I'm doing it for me, too. I've started yoga to help me relax, and it seems to work.
I keep going to therapy, working on my feelings, nightmares, and difficulty trusting people. There's a long way to go, but I think I'm making progress. I like Rachel a lot. She nudges me beyond my comfort zone without pushing too far.
I've been searching for apartments online, too. I haven't told Bianca yet. I know we'll argue; she thinks it's too soon for me to live alone.
My life feels as though it's starting to fit together again. The police have closed the investigation, deciding the evidence supports my account. That dark cloud is gone. Bit by bit, the tension from my past is loosening its hold.
When I arrive at Bianca's apartment, I know I need to tell her about my search.
She finishes a call with Owen just as I enter.
"Hey! I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to you about something."
I smile and shut the door. "Oh yeah? Me, too."
She leads me to the couch. "Okay. I don't know how you'll feel about this, but you should at least know."
I nod. "Okay. You're starting to scare me."
She smiles. "Julia and I are throwing a welcome-home party for Lee, Owen, and... Graham." She stops to look at me.
I take a breath. "Okay?"
She bites her lip. "I'm telling you in case... you might want to come. All our friends and family will be there. It didn't feel right to keep it from you."
I realize she's trying to consider my feelings. "Bia, I don't think I'm ready for that. But thank you for telling me."
She smiles. "You're welcome. What did you want to tell me?"
I draw a deep breath. "I'm moving out."
She jumps up. "What? I don't want you to move out. I don't think it's a good idea."
I knew she'd be upset. "Look, Bia, I lived alone for a while before all this. I'll be fine. I'm safe. I need my own life. Besides, you're moving in with Owen when he comes back, remember?"
She scoffs. "I remember. I thought you could stay with us!"
Frowning, I shake my head. "Fuck no. I'm not listening to you two fuck like rabbits when he gets home. Bia, you'll still see me all the time. You're my cousin."
She laughs. "Fine. But I want to come with you to look at apartments." Then she giggles. "I can't wait for Owen to get back so we can fuck like rabbits."
I chuckle. "You're crazy."
The sad part is, I'd have felt the same if Graham and I hadn't had that awful misunderstanding. Now, all I can think about are the good memories. They make it so hard not to want to forgive him.