Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
Felix
I’m not sure what happened while I was on the ice with the kids, but Ari’s even more withdrawn after the clinic finishes than he was before.
He’s also pale, his complexion peaked and his expression…
haunted? I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like it.
The Ari I know has always been serious and intense, but this is more than that.
My gaze barely leaves his face while Erik gives his speech thanking us players for participating, but he avoids my eyes and everyone else’s.
As soon as Erik’s done, Ari disappears down the hallway that leads to the front office, and I make a beeline for Erik.
“What happened to Ari?” I hiss as my teammates head to the showers.
Erik frowns. “I don’t know. He’s been quiet all day, but it seems worse now.”
At least I’m not imagining it. I blow out a frustrated breath, teetering on the edge of uncontrolled feelings. The hormones are under better control now, but puberty’s still not perfect and not easy.
“Don’t let him leave without me,” I order. “I’ll be quick.” I don’t give him time to reply before racing off to the rooms. Maybe I should be respecting Ari’s privacy, but I don’t think it’s out of line for me to ask him what’s wrong when he’s acting out of character.
I hurry through my shower, grateful that helping beginners skate doesn’t work up too much of a sweat, even in full gear, and throw all my stuff into my bag.
“Someone’s in a hurry,” Vitter says, still wearing only a towel. “Hot date, FeFe?”
I flip him the bird. “You need to get out more. This obsession with my love life is getting creepy.” His laughter follows me out the door.
In the office, Erik is talking a mile a minute at Ari, who looks confused. They both spot me at the same time, Erik’s expression relieved, Ari’s… scared? A heartbeat later, it’s neutral, but I can’t shake the sight of that fear from my mind.
“Hey,” I say cheerfully. “Ready to go? I thought maybe we could get pizza or something.”
For a second, I’m sure he’s going to say no. Then his lips curve in what should be a smile, and he nods.
“Yeah, sure. But let’s order in.”
I wait until we’re eating—until Ari has just taken a big bite—to pounce. I’m a cat, and pouncing is something I’m damn good at. It’s all in the timing.
“Is everything okay with you? Only, you’ve been off for the last few days, and I’m starting to get worried.”
He stops chewing, but his mouth is too full for him to speak, so I press on.
“You can talk to me about anything. Vent, rant… whatever. I can be a vault if you need me to.”
After a second, he begins chewing again, and then he swallows and puts his slice of pizza down. Anticipation prickles down my spine.
“I’ve been troubled. I still am. There are things…” He stops, his lips pressed in a tight line. “Raeulfr said some things that have made me reconsider my perspective. I want to believe that he’s right, but I’m… scared.” He takes a sudden deep breath.
I take a second to consider his words. This is clearly going to be a heavy conversation, and I don’t want to fuck it up. “Are you scared that he might be wrong?”
Ari nods, then shakes his head. “Yes, but that’s not—I mean, I know he’s not wrong. That fear is unjustified. An instinctive response.”
“Like a kid being afraid to open the closet after dark?” I remember how scary that was, even though logic and the fact that I opened that closet about ten times a day told me there were no monsters living in there. Some fears are completely irrational.
“Yes.”
I don’t say anything else. It’s up to him if he wants to tell me why he’s scared. I’ve already made it clear that I’m willing to listen.
He swallows hard. “When I was young, a little younger than you are now, I was part of something terrible. Raeulfr forgave me and allowed me to join the army so I could atone, and I pledged my life to that atonement.”
I try not to react, but a lot of things are suddenly becoming clear, and I’m not sure whether I want to hug him, call him an idiot, or back away.
A lot of it has to do with what, exactly, the terrible thing was.
Although, Raeulfr forgave him, so it couldn’t have been anything irredeemable.
Right? If it was, surely Dáithí would have mentioned it.
Truly terrible deeds are hard to keep secret.
“This is why you’re not able to make promises?” I ask. “You don’t consider your life your own until you’ve fully atoned?”
“I can never fully atone,” he declares, then sighs. “Raeulfr thinks otherwise, and I… I understand his logic. I didn’t, but today I spoke with someone I used to know back then, and it made me reconsider.”
There are so many questions I want to ask, but he seems so fragile right now that I think it’s best to let him drive this. So we sit there in silence for long seconds as our pizza gets cold and the clock in the other room ticks loudly.
“Raeulfr says I’m punishing myself,” he says suddenly. “Maybe he’s right. Maybe enough time has passed that I can allow myself some joy in my life.”
Considering how many thousands of years old he is, and the fact that whatever this is happened when he was my age, I’m betting on yes, he’s been punishing himself for too long.
“But I’m so afraid. What if I do, and then one day, the people I’ve allowed myself to love the most find out the truth? What if they can’t love me once they know?”
The words are cold, heavy stones between us, and my chest aches for him. Tears threaten to choke me, my hormones reacting to his emotions, and it’s a big effort to control myself. I clear my throat and take a minute to breathe deeply.
“The thing is,” I begin, then hesitate. “The thing is, you can’t ever know for sure unless it happens. But it’s been a long time that you’ve been living with this, and it sounds like nobody in your life knows except Raeulfr. So why would that change?”
For a second, his expression lightens, a tiny ghost of a smile flitting across his lips.
“You’re so practical, kitten.” Then he shakes his head, the lightness gone.
“I couldn’t risk my happiness on a possibility.
It would be hanging over my head like a blade.
And—and I don’t want to commit my life to you without total honesty between us. ”
Holy fuck. Fuck. Did he just…?
I cough, trying to get more air in my lungs.
“But maybe you don’t want that anyway,” he adds, watching me closely.
My head is shaking frantically before he even finishes the sentence. “I do. Damn it, Ari, you can’t just… This isn’t the conversation I thought we’d be having tonight!”
“We don’t have to have it if you don’t want to, or if you’re not ready.” His gaze slides away, and I practically lunge across the table to sandwich his face between my palms.
“I want to. I want to have the conversation and commit my life to you. Idiot.” I add the last word mostly to let out some of the conflicted emotions threatening to choke me. “I love you.”
The joyful smile that takes over his face is all the assurance I need that I’m making the right decision. He loves me too, and we’re going to live happily fucking ever after, even if I have to bully him into it.
Gently, of course.
I bet Raeulfr would be on my side. If Ari proves stubborn about this, I’m going to recruit his species leader to help me show him sense.
“Okay,” I say, letting him go and trying to get my thoughts in order. “I want to be with you, you want to be with me, but you’re scared I’ll change my mind once I know what you did in the past. Right?”
Sobering, he nods, and we look at each other awkwardly while we avoid the elephant in the room. Because by his logic, there’s only one way to resolve this, and it scares the crap out of him. Me too, if I’m honest.
I rub a hand over my face. “The thing is, Ari, I know you. I know your friends. I know your species leader. All of us, collectively, like you and think you’re pretty great.
Raeulfr knows your secret and he still thinks that.
So if you don’t want to tell me, that’s a risk I’m willing to take, and we can still start our happy life together.
” Even as the words leave my mouth, I’m not sure if I mean them.
Can I truly live for over a thousand years with Ari and never question his past?
I don’t have to consider it, though, because Ari’s shaking his head.
“I’m not okay with that, Fe. You deserve to know everything about me before you make this decision.”
I sit back. “Then the ball’s in your court.” I don’t want him to do something that makes him uncomfortable for my sake, but it’s truly not my decision to make.
For a long minute, he says nothing, his face pale and sweat breaking out on his forehead.
“The thing is,” he begins, “you might have some questions when I’m done, but I can’t answer them. I can tell you the things that directly affect me, but my story ties in with a bigger one that is heavily classified.”
That is not reassuring. “Just tell me what you can.”
“The anomalies that destroyed my world weren’t natural. There was an elf—éibhear—who discovered a way to open temporal portals—gateways through time. Only, the fabric of reality isn’t able to sustain time travel, and so it began to break down.”
My left eyelid starts to twitch. “Um. What?”
Ari pulls a face. “It’s a long and complicated story, and I’m trying to stick to the main points.
éibhear was a selfish, greedy man. He was a snob, and he thought he was better than pretty much everyone else.
He made a lot of money opening temporal portals, and when the king and Brandt discovered that they were the reason for the anomalies that had begun, he refused to cease opening them.
He continued until it reached a point where the fabric of our dimension was no longer able to repair itself, guaranteeing its doom. ”
My throat is suddenly dry. Ari has the ability to open portals. Did he contribute to the destruction of his dimension?
“The only good thing about his selfishness and greed is that he never showed anyone else how to make a portal a temporal one,” he continues, “so that atrocity died with him.”
Okay. Okay, that’s good. éibhear is dead, Ari never ripped open the fabric of time, and nobody can pull a copycat. I nod, trying to be encouraging.
“After it was discovered that éibhear was continuing his destruction, he was declared an outlaw, but with the dimension collapsing and people in danger, the authorities had more important things to focus on than hunting him down. A few units were given that task, but they were often recalled for more important assignments. He and those who believed, as he did, that they were above the law, that they were better than everyone else, fled and set up their own compounds with shields to protect them from the anomalies.” He presses his lips together again, then says, “I was born in one of those compounds.”
Ohhhhhh. Relief floods me as I realize where the story is going.
“My whole life, I was taught that we were victims. Persecuted by people who hated us for our superior blood and abilities.” He cringes.
“I believed it, and I hated and feared the ‘false’ king. When I was old enough, I joined the militia, and I fought the soldiers who came to arrest éibhear. I-I killed them.”
I lay my hand on the table between us, palm up. I’d rather hug him, but sometimes that makes a hard thing harder. This way, he has a choice.
He grabs my hand like it’s a lifeline, squeezing. “I hunted those soldiers, Felix. I knew what I was doing, and I killed them. I protected éibhear. I did it many times.”
“Until you stopped.”
He sucks in air through his nose. “I was hunting soldiers and came across a unit of six camped not far from one of our compounds. I-I’m not sure if they knew how close they were, but I knew I couldn’t take all six of them.
I planned to come back with help, but I wanted to listen first, make sure they weren’t going to strike before I had a chance. ”
“What did you hear?”