Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Ari
I’ve never said any of this aloud to anyone before, ever, and part of me is shocked I’ve gotten this far in. That part—the same part that’s been terrified of planning a future—was sure Felix would have left by now, walked out on me and our fledgling relationship. Why wouldn’t he?
“You understand that I willingly worked with the person responsible for the destruction of an entire dimension, don’t you?
That countless species and worlds died because of things I supported?
That if it weren’t for the pure luck of one of our scouts meeting the right people here on Earth, there would be no dragons or elves left alive? ”
Felix’s look is patient and… pitying? “What did you hear, Ari?”
Maybe he wants to know everything before he goes, so he can be sure of his decision. I shove down the hope that he won’t leave. My Felix is loyal and steadfast, but he’s also practical and intelligent.
“They were talking about what would happen when éibhear was found. One said he had hope that capturing éibhear would prevent the anomalies from getting worse.” I shake my head slightly, the words of a stranger from thousands of years ago ringing in my head still.
I’ll never forget them. “He said he thought they could rebuild their society under the current conditions, with shielded settlements, and that our world might even adjust to the new environment. The others were all silent, and it was so—so awkward. And he said he knew it wasn’t possible, but he needed to cling to the hope that everyone wasn’t going to die.
” My eyes sting with tears as I remember how his voice sounded in that moment.
Felix says nothing, just keeps his gaze steady on me, so I keep talking.
“I didn’t understand what they meant. I’d never heard that our people had ever lived outside of the shields.
As far as I knew, that was just the way our world was—inhospitable.
But it kept going around in my head the whole way back to the compound, and when I got there, something stopped me from reporting their presence.
” I shrug. “It didn’t matter—they never came to the compound.
I’m not sure if they didn’t find us, or if they were called back, or if—” I stop.
I can’t say it out loud, that one of my fellow soldiers at the time might have found them and done what I didn’t.
I don’t think that’s what happened—nobody I knew then was skilled enough to take down so many alone, and if assistance had been recruited, I would have heard about it.
But it’s still a possibility that preys on my peace.
“In the compound,” I continue, changing tack, “we were educated. We prided ourselves on being more intelligent and learned than the followers of the false king. It didn’t seem possible to me that our people once lived outside shields.
At first I thought it might be some kind of folk tale or legend passed down through families, but the more I considered what they’d said, the more I realized it sounded as though they were talking about something they personally remembered.
And then I realized that my own knowledge of our history was somewhat sparse. ”
“There were gaps in your education.”
I nod. “Yes. I wasn’t… concerned. Not really.
After all, I wasn’t a scholar. I assumed I’d been given a basic education, which I’d chosen not to continue.
But I wanted to understand, or perhaps even find the stories that were the basis of what those men had talked about.
So I went looking for information in our libraries. ”
“And found that you’d been taught a lie?”
“No,” I correct. “I couldn’t find any history that hadn’t already been taught to me.
There were the usual legends and fairy stories, and those referred to a world without shields, but they weren’t histories.
That concerned me—why didn’t we have history books?
We prided ourselves on our knowledge and education. ”
“What did you do?”
I grimace. “I asked one of our archivists. She seemed startled by my interest, which was fair enough—I’d never shown any before. But then she told me that our history texts had been destroyed when the shields collapsed at the previous compound, before I was born.”
Felix huffs in disbelief. “That’s a tidy excuse.”
“I had no reason not to believe her. Shield collapse was something that happened because of the anomalies, and it wasn’t new information that most of the residents had lived in a different compound about sixty or so years before.
My parents had even mentioned it. The archivist said they were in the process of writing the history they could remember, but that it was a time-consuming process and needed to be checked by and discussed with as many people as possible to ensure it was factual.
She said the history texts I’d been taught from—which were written by her and our other archivist—gave a high-level overview that they were trying to add details to. ”
“A high-level overview,” Felix repeats. “That sounds like something that should include a detail like society before shields.”
“My thought exactly. Plus, those soldiers had referred to éibhear’s temporal portals being the reason for the anomalies.
That’s not what I knew to be true, but I did know about the temporal portals.
éibhear cited that ability as one of the things that proved our superiority, and had promised us all that we wouldn’t die with our world, that he was searching for a new place for us to live, and that included a place in our own past.”
A shudder racks Felix’s whole body. “That sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie that’s going to lead to disaster.”
My mouth quirks with bitterness. “More disaster than the destruction of our whole dimension?”
He pulls a face. “Good point. So what happened then?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about it,” I confess.
“I wanted to accept what I’d been taught and told and let it go, but it kept going around and around in my head, for weeks.
Eventually, I decided that I needed to find proof that the soldiers had been wrong.
That they’d been told lies about éibhear and our people so they wouldn’t question their orders to persecute us.
I knew the truth, and I knew that someone in their chain of command had to know it too.
So I came up with an excuse for a scouting mission and sneaked into the nearest enemy settlement to see what I could find out. ”
“Of course you did.” Felix shakes his head, but he’s… smiling? I’m so confused. “What did you find out?”
I stare into the space over his shoulder, my eyes seeing nothing but memories.
“The truth. I’d thought to go to the barracks and see if I could break into someone’s office—my plan wasn’t well thought-out—but I happened to walk past a library, and it seemed like a good way to confirm whether life outside shields had ever been possible.
” I pause for a moment to gather my thoughts. “Do you know about the living archive?”
His brow furrows. “Uh… no?”
“It’s very complicated spellwork that I don’t fully understand myself,” I admit, “but basically, when an elf or dragon moves on to the etheric plane, their knowledge and memories are automatically uploaded to a… a magic database, I suppose. It can be accessed by several of our people—archivists—who are selected by the life force the same way our species leaders are.”
Felix’s jaw drops open. “No way,” he breathes. “That’s fucking amazing.”
I smile, because it is. “I didn’t know about it until the day I walked into that library in what I considered enemy territory.
éibhear’s followers had no access to the living archive—I learned much later that one of them had been an archivist, but that the life force cut them off when they made the choice to align with him.
“That day in the library, I found a whole section on history, with more books and scrolls than I could easily count, and all of them referred to a world where our people had no need of shields to be safe. Some of the scrolls detailed more recent history—the past few thousand years since the anomalies began and our world started to break down. It was…” I shake my head.
“I was educated. I was taught how to use logic. Logic told me that my ‘truth,’ which had no documentation to support it and only a few thousand believers, was far more likely to be false than that which had generations of books confirming it. So I found an archivist, and I asked them to explain the mechanics of how temporal portals caused the anomalies.”
“And they did?”
My scoff contains all the pain and betrayal I felt that day.
“They drew me diagrams. They explained where the magic and science interconnected. They checked the living archive for data, and they looked for books and scrolls that would help me understand the more esoteric physics of it. At the end, when I was sitting there surrounded by all their helpful materials that had smashed my reality, I asked them if they remembered the world before shielding was needed. And they patted my hand, sympathetic because I’d never gotten to experience it, and told me stories.
” I can’t stop the tears this time, and they trickle down my cheeks and into my beard.
“I was so angry when I went home, Felix. I was angry that I’d been denied the truth of our past, but mostly, I was angry that I was part of its destruction.
I went to my parents’ home and demanded to know why they’d lied to me, why we were aligned with the person responsible for destroying everything.
” My voice cracks on the last word, and then there’s a painful silence while I try to pull myself together.
“They broke your heart, didn’t they?”
I drag my gaze to Felix’s face and see tears swimming in his eyes.
“Yes,” I whisper. “They—yes. My father said none of the destruction mattered, because éibhear was going to find somewhere else for us. We would survive, and without any of the ‘rabble’ to ‘drag us down.’ H-He told me to calm myself and stop being a disappointment to my lineage. My mother suggested that I should bathe, since I’d spent the day with ‘those people.’”
“I’m so sorry, Ari.”
I shrug, but it’s an empty gesture. “They were always cold. Nothing I ever did was good enough. But I didn’t expect that. Their response was the final thing that cut any tie I felt to that life. I walked out of their home, out of the compound, found one of the king’s patrols, and surrendered.”
The hand I forgot I was holding tightens painfully around mine. “You what?”
“I surrendered. They weren’t sure what to do with me at first but eventually brought me back to the settlement.
Someone decided to send for the king, and I told him everything I knew.
Compound locations, patrol schedules, security measures, evacuation plans.
I drew maps and floorplans. I betrayed the people who raised me, and I felt no guilt for that, but I was drowning in guilt for the destruction of our world. ”
“And that’s when Raeulfr had you swear to protect what was left?”
I nod. “He asked me what I wanted to do. I was so confused—I’d been sure I was facing execution.
It was a price I was willing to pay for my actions, but he said enough elves had died and would continue to die because of éibhear, and he wouldn’t contribute to the death toll.
The only career I’d known was that of a soldier, so I asked to continue that, and I swore my life in service to my people.
” I finish somewhat abruptly. That’s it, the whole story, a story I’ve never told but that has owned me for thousands of years.
Felix sighs. “Who knows about your past? You said only Raeulfr, but what about the soldiers you surrendered to? Who else would they have told?”
I shake my head. “The king ordered secrecy. He didn’t want my effectiveness as a soldier to be impacted. They’re all long gone, anyway—the anomalies took them.”
“Okay.” Felix stops, nods to himself, then starts again.
“Okay. So you know that you were brainwashed, right? Indoctrinated from birth to believe what éibhear and your parents wanted you to. You were isolated from anyone who was willing and able to tell you the truth, and you were denied access to anything that didn’t confirm the story they told you. ”
“I-I know.” What’s he getting at?
“Good. And then when you came across information that made you question what you thought you knew, you sought confirmation, learned the truth, and immediately overturned your whole life. You not only stopped supporting éibhear, you also gave important information to the king—despite the fact that it endangered you.”
“Yes, but—”
He lets go of my hand and holds his up. “No buts. Since then, you’ve served faithfully.
Your king trusts you to protect him and his people.
I understand what you did back then, and I understand why it haunts you, but Ari, it wasn’t a choice you made.
You did all those things without the knowledge of what you were doing. ”
“Ignorance is no excuse.”
“Sure, when you have access to information. You didn’t.
You had no reason to think you needed it.
And then when you did, you went looking for that information, even though it wasn’t easy to get to.
” He sighs again. “I can’t take away your guilt.
I think the thousands of years you’ve been atoning are more than enough, but that’s not my call—it’s yours.
What I will say is that even if you carry that guilt for the rest of your life, it doesn’t mean you need to live in misery. Raeulfr and I agree on that.”
Faint tendrils of a hope I hadn’t dared acknowledge make themselves felt. “You know everything about me now,” I say shakily. “Does it ch-change your mind?”
He blinks at me in confusion, and then his eyes widen… before narrowing dangerously. “Are you asking me if the fact that you’ve spent thousands of years trying to make up for the fact you were raised in a cult and brainwashed has changed my mind about loving you?”
Oh, shit. I don’t think I should have asked that. Still… “Does that mean no?”
He throws his napkin at me, follows it up with a shoe, which I duck, and then he’s on me, straddling my lap, his palms bracketing my face and his mouth on mine.
“I love you, Ari,” he whispers between kisses. “And we’re going to have a long and happy life together.”
The promise in his words reverberates through the air, and for the first time in my life, I know what it means to be truly wanted.
“I’m going to spend every second of our lives proving how much I love you,” I swear, and he smiles against my lips.
“I’m holding you to that.”
And he did.