Chapter 14 #2
She had never liked dolls, never, even when she was little.
She thought it had to do with how much her mother often compared her to one.
“You have these lovely blue eyes and almost blonde hair, like a doll, my little sweet girl, like a doll,” her mom would say to her when she was younger.
Maggie was sure her mother had wanted just that, a doll for a daughter, one who would grow up and do all of the things she wanted her to.
Diana came back into the room.“Of course we are doing pepperoni and peppers,” she said.
“Well, I knew what she would vote for and she’s not even my sister,” Maggie said, moving to sit on the bed.
“Yeah well, a girl can dream,” Diana said, also getting on the bed. “Pizza should be here in like thirty minutes, what do you wanna do till then?”
A silence drifted between them full of all of the things Maggie wanted to ask but was scared to. Finally she blurted, “What did you mean? That Julia and uh—Anna, are no more?”
Diana looked at her from across the bed, and Maggie could see hesitancy in her eyes, so Maggie pressed on.
“Because, I mean, like I’ve seen her room, and her ‘dream girl’ declarations and stuff, and I don’t think there is anything, I mean, I feel like—” but she stopped talking because she wasn’t even sure what she wanted to say.
I feel like I understand.
I feel like I have a dream girl too?
I feel like something's wrong with me and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it?
Do you think something is wrong with me?
I can’t stop thinking about you, do you think that’s weird?
As if avoiding wading into treacherous waters, Diana said, “I mean you know Jules, she’s always so personal with everyone.”
“Not everyone,” Maggie said and then added quietly, “just the girls.”
Diana stared at her, her navy eyes pools deep pools of caution. “Yes, just the girls,” she said slowly, her eyes fixed on Maggie so intently she wanted to look away, but forced herself to get through this.
“I think, I think, well, and you’re okay, with it? It just being the girls?” Maggie said, and when she finished she swallowed and felt her face flush.
Diana looked at her for a few beats more and then understanding slowly started to spread across her face.
“Mags,” she said quietly.
“I mean do you have a problem,” Maggie said more desperately, shuddering slightly as Diana moved closer to her on the bed.
“No, no, I don’t mind at all. She’s my sister, I love her to death. She’s all I really have right now in this world. Who she decides to be personal with, as long as they aren’t a giant doofus, then all I care about is that she’s happy.”
Maggie absorbed this information for a little bit, processing the echoes of a confession she hadn’t even truly worked out herself. The only thing she knew was how Diana made her feel.
“And if,” Diana began, and Maggie felt Diana slide her hand into hers, “if that’s something you share with Julia, I’m sure she would love to talk to you about it but also, you are safe with me, ok?”
Maggie dipped her head and nodded. She was surprised to feel tears forming.
There was another long silence, but it wasn’t tense, it felt more like a slow exhale.
“Before this year? I had a girlfriend, you know,” Diana said, and Maggie lifted her head quickly to meet Diana’s gaze. She saw her dark blue eyes were soft and serious.
“A girlfriend? But you’re like, well, I mean, more girly than Julia,” Maggie said and then immediately felt stupid.
Diana laughed and said, “Yes well, so was my ex-girlfriend,” and Maggie felt her squeeze her hand. She squeezed back, knowing they had both just given each other something, something bigger than simply information.
“I’ve never felt anything for boys, not the way Emmy and Mary do,” Maggie said, smiling sheepishly and continuing to hold Diana’s hand for dear life.
“And that’s okay,” Diana said, “I was surprised too, the first time I had a crush on a girl,” she said. “Is that what's happened?” and Maggie thought she detected a note of something else in Diana’s voice as she asked, “Do you have a crush on Jules?”
Maggie felt her face go hot but she laughed at that.
“No, I mean your sister is um—cute and beautiful, but no.” Maggie felt Diana’s hand loosen as if her whole body had relaxed.
Maggie looked back into Diana’s eyes and smiled.
She had barely recovered from one confession, but she knew how the recent revelation was attached to Diana in every way.
“I don’t have a crush, well, not on—”
“Hey losers, pizza’s here!” The two of them jumped slightly at the sound of Julia’s voice coming from the doorway. Jules stared back at them, her face fixed in a look of appraisal. “You two look cozy,” she added, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning on the door frame.
“Jules—”
“Dee?” She smiled back at Diana and Maggie watched something pass between them. Something she thought was probably a sibling thing.
“We will be down in a minute,” Diana said sternly, and Julia’s eyes widened.
“Well sure, except you have the cash,” Julia said back. Diana scoffed and—Maggie realized they’d still been holding hands the entire time—let go of Maggie’s hand as she stood to grab the cash she’d set on her desk earlier.
Moving towards her sister she said, “You have impeccable timing.”
“Blame the pizza guy, not me,” Julia said playfully, as Diana disappeared to go procure the pizza. Julia stood there, her gaze now on Maggie.
“We were just talking,” Maggie said sheepishly.
“And holding hands, everything okay?” Julia said, her face turning a bit more serious.
“Yeah, just uh, well, figuring some stuff out, I mean, like you.”
“Like me? What am I figuring out?”
“No I mean, I think—” Maggie took a deep breath. “I think I’m like you.”
“You’re not like me, that’d be fucking gross.”
Maggie felt her stomach drop in a whirl of confusion and fear before Julia said, “I am not boned up for my sister like you are, my friend.” With that, she left the doorway, and Maggie thought she’d incinerate.