Chapter 45
THEN: DIANA
Diana’s eyes flew open and her heart lurched at the sound of “Uptown Funk” blaring from somewhere beside her.
Goddammit Lily.
While the rest of her body and mind tried to come back online from a sleep she didn’t know she was in, one thing she knew to be true. This was Lily’s doing. The song continued to blare.
Goddammit Lily! Diana thought, lovingly, annoyed, but lovingly.
The song was everywhere and Diana couldn’t stand it.
So of course her twelve year old had made it her phone’s ringtone as a joke.
Blindly reaching in the direction of the noise, she located her phone on a side table and saw that it was Julia calling.
“Jules?”
“Hey! Sorry, so I may or may not have left my keys? Anyway I’m outside.”
Diana sat up, and tried to get a handle on things.
“Um, yeah, give me a sec,” she said before ending the call.
She was on her couch, where she remembered sitting down to rest her eyes for a few minutes.
Something that never ended well for her.
But she had made the mistake of believing she could stay up till 3am and still rise and get work done.
Jay had texted her hinting that she had some exciting news for her, and Diana couldn’t wait.
It had been worth it too; Jay had told Diana that she and Michaela had just been approved to take in a foster child, a little boy named Cole.
They were still newlyweds, but that was more due to them not being able to get married until last year.
Michaela did not make it a secret that she wanted to get on the baby train as soon as possible, since she’d always wanted a big family.
Diana stood up from the couch and stretched.
She checked the time; it was 1:30pm, so she had been asleep for a little over an hour.
She was still tired but it had been good to touch base with Jay and Michaela in the background, their happiness and excitement palpable through the phone.
Diana was so happy for Jay, for them, and knew they’d make amazing parents.
Hell, they were no better or worse than other bio and straight parents she knew.
Mary and Evan McAvoy had adopted a little girl around the time Lily was born, and while Diana thought Mary would love and dote on said child, she knew, like anyone, she’d have her own hangups about raising a human.
Jay and Michaela were no different, except, Diana thought, having fought so hard for their happily ever after, for themselves, meant they had an edge on the rest of them.
As Diana walked to her front door to let her sister in, she thought about how elated she’d been at their news.
And how guilty she felt at the envy that had haunted her too.
Whenever she thought of how wonderful a happily ever after could be, she thought about Maggie, and how all they’d had were stolen moments throughout the decades.
The last time was two years ago when Diana had broken down and made up some work reason for her to be in Boston.
The two had spent a hot and passionate few hours in a hotel room and Diana had woken up the next day with the other side of the bed empty, rolling on her back and staring up at a ceiling and feeling hollow.
She couldn’t help but wonder about what it would be like if they had worked out the way Jay and Michaela had.
What if instead of having two little girls separate from one another, they had had them together?
But of course Lily wouldn’t be Lily, and Maggie’s little one, Maya, wouldn’t be Maya.
Diana shook the thoughts from her head as she opened her front door.
“Finally! God, it’s almost Thanksgiving Dee, it’s cold!”
“Says the woman who practically lives in Canada,” Diana deadpanned as Julia entered her home.
She carried her overnight bag and what looked like a grocery bag; Julia was spending Thanksgiving with her and Lily as she always did, except for the brief time Gavin was still in the picture.
He most certainly wasn’t now. From all Diana knew, which Julia had told her from Facebook-stalking him, he had remarried someone in Texas with oil money.
Diana wished him well, but she didn’t think about him much outside of times like these.
“Alright, so what time does our girl get home?” Julia said, taking off her shoes. Julia had recently cut her hair extremely short and Diana liked the way she styled her spiky hair. She also smiled at the way she knew her mother would be looking at her if there was such a thing as the afterlife.
“We pick her up at three,” Diana said. Diana always picked Lily up.
She used to take the bus but then kids kept making too big of a deal at the fact that Lily lived at the Blake Orchard, and Diana knew what that was like, so she always fit picking Lily up into her schedule.
Perks of being a business heiress, now owner.
“Sweet, then let’s crack open some cider and catch up.”
Seated in the kitchen across from Julia, Diana took in her sister.
She was so proud of her for continuing to lean into herself.
Julia had progressively gotten more and more comfortable with her masculine side as they’d gotten older.
Her short blonde hair was longer than it had been for a while, but Julia always joked about “buzzcuts being cold”.
Julia was her rock, her baby sister who she would move heaven and earth for.
Which is why it pained her to catch the flit of loneliness and longing more and more in her hazel eyes.
“So, what’s new?” Julia said, taking a pull from her bottle of cider.
Diana shrugged, “Same old same old. You know how it goes around here.”
“Yeah, I guess I do,” Julia responded. “I spoke to Jay and Michaela last week, they seem to be doing well, trying to grow their family.”
Diana smiled. “Yeah, Jay told me, I am so happy for them.”
“Total shit how long it—well, you know,” Julia said, cutting off her own train of thought.
“Yeah,” Diana said heavily, thinking about how long things had taken for them as a trans same-sex couple to be able to do so considering all the red tape they’d had to navigate. “I am really excited for them though, they deserve it.”
“Absolutely,” Julia responded with fervor. “They absolutely do. Michaela has wanted a family for a long time.” As if it were an offhand comment she added, “Which I get.”
Diana could have let the moment pass, but she wasn’t going to miss this opportunity to dive deeper into something she knew Julia wanted but hid behind her playboy exterior. “Do you?” Diana asked pointedly.
Julia’s eyes, having shifted off into space, snapped back to Diana. When she realized what she had said out loud, Diana watched her sister blush. “I mean, plenty of people want to settle down, grow a family,” Julia said quickly, and Diana knew she was ready to deflect.
“You know, you can have that too, if you want it,” Diana said slowly. And then because humor had always been their delivery vehicle of choice for the truth, she added, “Of course there is nothing wrong with satiating the spontaneous bi-awakenings that seem to occur around you”
Julia almost choked on her cider. “So you aren’t going to let this go,” she sputtered.
“You wouldn’t love me if I did,” Diana said sweetly, uttering a variation of line she shared with her sister.
Julia looked like she was going to get defensive, and so Diana plastered on the look that let her sister know she wasn’t budging.
Julia sighed. “Look, as much as it would be nice for someone to see me beyond the hot experience I can give them, I also feel like I have a gift and a calling, and it isn’t too bad answering it. ”
“Uh huh,” Diana said in the no-nonsense voice she knew her sister recognized. “Well, I just want you to know, not everyone is going to be after you for your, what did you call it? Calling? Someone will want you for you.”
“We shall see,” Julia said sadly, and Diana’s heart sank.
“How was school today?” Julia asked, looking around the passenger seat at a practically radiant Lily. Lily had, no surprise, shrieked with delight at seeing her aunt in the car.
“It was great! But I am so happy you’re here!
Mom didn’t tell me!” Lily said, practically bouncing out of her seatbelt.
While Lily had been expecting Julia for Thanksgiving in a few days, they had decided to surprise her with Julia’s early arrival.
Really, Julia had decided to beat the traffic and it had been some time since the two sisters had hung out.
Diana realized during their catch up earlier in the day that she’d missed just shooting the shit with her sister.
That it had been too long since the last time.
It was easy to get dragged into the undertow of life in your thirties.
“Did you learn a bunch of stuff and all that jazz?” Julia said teasingly.
“Yes! I’m gay!” Lily said excitedly from the backseat. Diana was glad they’d come to a red light.
“Oh?” Julia said, recovering first.
“Yep, today during break Joey Turner said he liked me and tried to kiss me.” Lily made a gagging sound. “And at first I thought I didn’t like him, or any of the boys, and then I realized that I don’t like any of the boys, not like that. Not like Hanna McAvoy.”
Julia was snickering in the seat next to Diana and Diana found herself grinning at Lily’s delivery. “Don’t let the McAvoys hear you say that.” Julia said between laughter.
“Oh I won’t, Mrs. McAvoy already complained about the books I brought to school, remember? The one with the two dads and one wore eyeliner.”
Diana did remember being told parents had complained, which she didn’t give a fuck about and Lily brought whatever book she pleased to school.
What she hadn’t known was it was Mary. Tucking that tidbit of information away, she said, “Well, remember we always said you could like whoever you want,” Diana said to her daughter.
“Yes! And I thought it meant everyone but I don’t want everyone, just the girls.” Lily said proudly.
Diana came to another red light and took a moment to look in the rearview mirror at her beautiful and proud daughter.
She was suddenly struck by how big the moment was.
She thought of everything that had kept Jay and Michaela from getting married, from being able to adopt and raise children, everything that had kept the woman she loved most locked up inside herself, convinced there was no way out.
And yet here her little girl was proudly proclaiming that she only liked girls.
Diana felt her eyes sting slightly because she was so proud of Lily but she was also so proud of herself.
One of her goals as a mother was to raise a human who could authentically be themselves.
She had seen how hard others had had to work to obtain that, and what was the point if she didn’t try to encourage the next generation she had contact with to have more.
To be more free. It was all she had wanted growing up, for her and Julia.
And then she’d met Jay and Michaela and realized how bad things could get.
She wondered if Maggie had known Jay and Michaela, if she could see what they have now, had heard Jay’s elation last night, if she’d realize she could have absolutely been okay.
That they by comparison, always had a chance to be.
But Maggie hadn’t, and look at where that had led her.
Diana never wanted any of that for Lily, and here she was all of twelve years old, openly discussing this aspect of herself with her mother and aunt because they’d built the space for her to.
Diana didn’t think she’d be more proud of anything else in her life.
“Well,” she said, clearing her throat, “Lily, sounds like you just unlocked a piece of yourself. And while life is all about discovery and exploring, and your definitions of yourself may change as you get older, I’m happy you have this understanding.
” She chanced a glance at Julia who had an eyebrow raised.
“Okay, oh wise one,” Julia muttered under her breath.
“Me too,” Lily said unaffected, “think of all the cute girls I’ll be able to kiss now.”
Diana couldn’t help it, she laughed. “Okay, but with their permission baby, consent is key.”
“I know, Mom! But now I don’t have to waste time kissing boys when I’m older.”
Indeed, Diana thought.
“Listen, Lily, you’re allowed to change your mind, but you know I also only like girls, well women, at my age,” Julia said.
“I know, does this mean I will grow up to be cool like you?” Aunt Julia laughed and Diana mock-rolled her eyes.
“Looks like it kid,” Julia joked.
Lily grew quiet for a moment and then asked, “But does that mean I can’t wear regular bras and have to cut my hair? Will other girls not like me like this?”
“You get to just be you Lily, that’s who you’ve ever been and who you’ll ever be. Some girl will think you’re great,” Diana said from the driver’s seat.
“Plenty of them, with our genes,” Julia added, and Lily laughed and made a small noise of delight.
“Maybe I’ll grow up and have plenty of girlfriends, like two or three!” Lily exclaimed.
“Slow down there tiger, first, we celebrate this realization! Who wants pizza?” Diana said and Lily let out another squeal of delight.
“Yes, took the words right out of my mouth Dee, we need to celebrate!” Julia said.
Diana caught another glimpse of Lily in the rearview mirror and then turned the car in the direction of their favorite pizza spot, smiling like a loon.