Chapter 46
NOW: MAGGIE
“Yikes,” Damien said after a long pause.
Maggie let out a loud sigh, her breath visible in the early November air.
The fall had mainly gone without incident so far.
She was working on putting her house on the market, and had all but officially moved in with Diana, who insisted it wasn’t official until her house was sold.
While Diana had been insanely busy with work as she wrapped up the season, Maggie too had been busy, studying for various certifications, spending time at Michaela and Jay’s for work, and studying for the required exams in order to begin applying to master’s programs by their winter deadlines.
Even though they were both busy, they’d fallen into a comfortable rhythm that never felt absent from one another.
Diana always brought Maggie warm cider during her evening study sessions, and Maggie always made dinner and had it ready for Diana when she wrapped up work.
On the chance they had a few moments, they made love with just as much passion and enthusiasm as always, even when they were both tired.
They made time and space for each other in the little gestures and stolen moments.
So yes, time had moved quickly, uneventfully, until about a half hour ago when Diana had run into the little study nook she’d carved out for Maggie in the living room, and blurted out that Lily knew.
Lily knew.
Soon, so would Maya.
Maggie had felt her insides grow cold and her stomach felt like it’d dropped through her onto the floor.
But amid her panic and Diana’s apologies about her slip, she had mentioned she hadn’t meant to tell Lily but she’d gotten so used to Maggie being around she had slipped her into their conversation and Lily made her spill, Maggie felt the small bud of relief begin to bloom.
Finally, it was time. She had to come clean and come out to her daughter, who had bravely already done so two times now in her short life.
It didn’t mean, though, that she hadn’t texted Damien to let him know she was going to have to spill to Maya and that unfortunately they wouldn’t get the chance to do it together.
“Mags? You alive over there?” Damien’s even voice came through her ear and grounded her again, as it always did.
“Yes? I think so?”
“Good,” he chuckled and then let out a loud sigh.
“How are you so calm? Aren’t you upset that we aren’t telling her together?”
Damien was silent for a beat before he said, “No. I wanted to tell her together because yes, it would have been nice to have the conversation as a family, but also, I mainly wanted to tell her together because it was what you wanted to do, and what you needed at the time. I wanted you to have my support, I know how big this is for you, and I know how,” he paused as if searching for the best word choice, “hard it was for you when I left. How exposed and betrayed you felt, Mags. I just wanted to be there for you and show you that we are still family and that it would all be okay. Maya’s an empathetic and bright woman, don’t underestimate her heart. ”
Maggie felt her stomach do a swoop, and she felt the tension she realized was in her shoulders give way to the familiar feeling of shame and foolishness. Of course she shouldn’t underestimate Maya’s heart.
“You’re right, and thank you Damien, seriously,” Maggie said and she smiled softly to herself. To her best friend who even after everything, was her best friend, who had wounded her and left her but hadn’t left her. Was still there to support her, just like he promised all those years ago.
“Of course Mags, I trust you, speak your truth and when you think she’s ready, I will tell her mine so she has the full picture.”
“Hey, would you want to come around Christmas? It would be nice to be all together again, and it would just be, well, nice.”
“I would love that Mags. I think it’s a great idea—”
“And of course, you could bring whomever you want,” Maggie added hurriedly.
After a pause Damien smiled, Maggie could hear it even though she couldn’t see it. “I’ll let you know. Tell me how it goes with Maya. I love you Mags, always have and always will.”
“I love you, too.”
Maggie had had about another twenty minutes blindly walking the grounds of the Blake property before Maya let her know she was done with school for the day and was free to talk. Maggie took in a deep breath, practicing the techniques she’d learned from her time with Lauren, and called her daughter.
“Mom? What’s up? I’m walking home so you may hear a little wind, but I’m good to talk!
Are you calling to talk Thanksgiving?” Maya’s voice came through bright and curious.
Maggie for a moment was going to tell her to wait till she got home, but she didn’t want to lose her nerve and besides, Lily would be waiting for her there.
But, considering how Maya had answered the phone, the good news was it looked like Lily hadn’t indicated anything being amiss, so it was now or never.
“No, well, I guess Thanksgiving is a part of it now. But not the reason I wanted to call, I mean, I didn’t want to call in the first place, because I really wanted to talk to you in person with you and your dad but—”
“Mom, is everything okay? I’m getting worried, are you okay? What’s going on?” Maggie knew Maya probably could hear the hysterics in her voice. She decided to just rip the Band-Aid off.
“Thanksgiving—we are doing it with the Blakes. With Diana. I’m selling the house, and moving in with her.” There was a pause on the other end and Maggie’s heart thundered in her chest. She could feel the sweat on her palms and a tremor in her legs as she walked through another row of trees.
“Okay, do you have money issues? Because Dad—”
“I’m gay. I’m a lesbian.” There was silence. “Um, sorry I am not saying any of this is the right order. Again sorry, I didn’t want to talk about this this way but, Diana told Lily and I wanted to talk to you before she told you.”
“Tell me you’re gay? Mom—”
“I’m gay, and I am dating Diana. I love her.
I’ve been in love with her like, my whole adult life?
And I just, I was never as brave as you.
” Maggie’s voice cracked and hot tears sprung to her eyes.
Her face burned with shame and guilt but she had to push through.
“Just, let me get this out while I still can,” she said after a deep shaky breath.
Maya remained quiet. “I grew up at a very different time, with very different parents, okay? And I’m gay and I fell in love with Diana when I was just sixteen years old.
And then I got scared, I broke her heart and went to college and met your father.
” Maggie took in another gulp of cold fresh air as she slowly dropped to her knees on the cold ground, before sitting and resting her head in one hand.
She hadn’t brought gloves and welcomed the chill on her hands.
It was what was keeping her tethered to her surroundings.
“Does Dad know?” Maya’s voice finally said on the other line. Her voice was impossible to read and Maggie both wished she could see her face and was thankful that she couldn’t.
“Yes, your father knows. Um, he’s always known?
” She asked it like a question, because she had already begun trying to figure out how to ask for forgiveness she didn’t think she deserved.
That was something she and Lauren still were working on.
Maya didn’t say anything so she continued.
“He’s always known, since we met in college.
We are best friends, you know, and he, well, he has his own truth to talk to you about, but it was something he and I knew going into our marriage. ”
There was another agonizing beat of silence before Maya asked, “Then how, I mean, I—”
“We wanted a family,” Maggie powered on, holding back her sobs because she needed this part to be clear.
“We wanted you, you were always a part of the journey we agreed to go on. I need you to know that,” Maggie choked out a sob, letting it run through her body so her next words came out clear.
“You are the best thing I’ve ever done, and I love you so much.
So does your dad. Damien and I wanted you so badly.
When we found out I was pregnant, we celebrated and talked the entire time about how excited we were to get to know you.
And oh my god, Maya.” Maggie let out another sob and wiped her eyes.
“Knowing you, everything you are, I was serious when I said I wanted to be you when I grow up. When you came out to us, the first time, I was amazed. I was in absolute awe. I thought it was one of the most beautiful and powerful things I’d ever seen.
And you were so young. Not much younger than I was when I first started loving Diana.
And yet, you were so much more free. I was so fucking proud to be your mother in that moment.
It was proof that my fear hadn’t touched you, that I had done something right. ”
“Mom—”
“Please baby, I need to get this all out,” Maggie said, but she had noted a bit of sadness in Maya’s voice.
“And then over the summer, I wanted to tell you. I’ve been working with a therapist, remember?
I was working on how to tell you because my biggest fear was that you wouldn’t understand how much we wanted, I wanted you.
I love you more than anything and nothing can ever take that away or change that.
Nothing. People say things like ‘my child’, and yes you are my child but it really means I am yours.
I will always belong to you.” Taking a deep breath and swallowing thickly, Maggie continued.
“But then you came out again this summer, with Lily and Hanna, and I had just dealt with my fear and it was raw and I got scared, and then even worse, I was ashamed that you saw me scared. I was afraid the fear that had trapped me might hurt you, might touch you. But baby, I love that you’re loved, and two times over!
” Maggie chuckled wetly and she heard an answering wet chuckle from Maya.
“So your father and I had to move on and live our truth, you’re an adult, you’re ready to be out in the world and so, I came back to Maplewood.”
“You’re home,” Maya said thickly, god she was crying, Maggie realized.
“Yes, the last time I felt like home, felt safe outside of your father and you, was when I was here with—”
“Diana,” Maya said.
“Yes. I love her so much Maya, and so, it’s time, I’ve made her wait long enough. So I am selling the house and moving in, and we are hosting Thanksgiving together and would really love to have you and Lily.” Maggie felt wrung out. She sniffled and wiped her eyes again.
“So this was a call about Thanksgiving?” Maya said and then she laughed, and Maggie laughed too. Both of them laughed hysterically for a moment before silence fell between them once again.
“Mom? I can’t believe all this time, I am, I’m so sorry that’s—”
“Oh no, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Maggie said, feeling her eyes well up with new tears.
“Listen to me, I would always do everything again and again so it could bring me to you. Do you hear me? I would walk across the sun a thousand times if it meant it would lead me to you. Tell me you understand that.” It was more of a plea than a demand.
“I understand,” Maya said shakily. “Mom?”
“Yeah baby?”
“I love you, you know that? And you’re right. I am brave because I knew I always had you and Dad. I was brave because I knew you two always had my back, I never doubted that growing up. Ever.”
Maggie dipped her head and let her new tears fall as she let fresh sobs run through her once more. Taking a deep breath she said. “Thank you. I love you too.”
“I love you so much, Mom,” Maya said, and her voice cracked. “Wow, what a way to top my coming out,” she then said with a laugh, and Maggie laughed again too.
“Mine just had more build up,” Maggie joked back.
“Wow, okay, so Thanksgiving, the Blake’s. I mean I am happy for you, really Mom, you deserve to be happy and to be loved. Just like me. But, uh, I may need some time and some wine to process all of this, if that’s okay?”
“Of course baby, are you home?”
“Oh yeah, I have just been standing outside our building pacing like a crazy woman,” Maya laughed.
“Good, well I am glad you have both Lily and Hanna, but I am also here and your dad is too.”
“Thanks Mom, I know. Just didn’t have my mom dating one of my girlfriend’s mom’s on my bingo card.” And they both laughed again.
“Well, get inside, I am sure you’ve had a long day and a lot to process.”
“I’m glad you told me Mom, and I am so happy you are finally living your truth. You deserve it, and I love you, nothing will change that either.”
Maggie smiled and felt more tears fill her eyes as the last tight coil of fear unwound and she was flooded with a relief that she had only previously dreamt of.
“Thank you Maya, thank you, speak soon, I love you.”