Chapter 46
I text Jameson a quick message as I wait in the pickup line.
Carly: Something came up. Can’t do dinner tonight.
He writes back instantly. Why does he always have to be so prompt?
Jameson: Is everything okay?
Carly: Yes.
That’s a lie. I’m lying to him, and I feel guilty, especially because he’s said so many times that he would never lie to me.
But ever since I left my dad’s, I’ve been spiraling.
I don’t know how I reacted so calmly when they told me, but ever since I sped out of their driveway down the winding, tree-lined road, I’ve been freaking out more and more.
I’ve never seen my dad look like that, and thinking about him having to endure the upcoming grueling treatments makes my heart ache—for him and Ella. It can be a different kind of challenge watching a loved one go through cancer.
They are my whole village. I know I claim to be independent, and I’ve raised a whole child on my own, but they’ve helped me raise her too. They’ve made it possible for me to work all my jobs, take classes, and have breaks to be by myself or have lunch with a friend—just adults.
I’m scared for Jess’s reaction. I know we said she can handle it, but she needs them even more than I do.
She looks up to them, loves them, respects them.
The thought of her losing her grandpa crushes me.
I can feel my eyes watering as I sit alone in my car, several minutes early, imagining her losing the only stable male influence she’s ever had.
And he’s a good one—always teaching her to be strong and fierce, while being a total goofball.
I pull the mirror down and dab under my eyes. The tears haven’t fallen and I’m trying really hard not to let them.
I don’t want her to know something is up and grill me before we get home. I can’t break down. I have to be strong for her.
A few minutes later, Jameson writes back again.
Jameson: Okay. Miss you. See you soon?
I can’t deal with that right now. I don’t know why, but I can’t. I have too many other emotions to process today.
Carly: Yes. Soon.
Jameson isn’t an idiot. I’m positive he suspects something is off with me, but I’m hoping he won’t push it. Not today, anyway. I have to take care of my kid first.
It’s finally my turn to pull forward in the pickup line. Jess is ready to go. She hops in and gives me a quick, half-hearted smile.
“Hey. How was school?”
“Good. Nothing exciting.”
“Okay. Hey, your blood sugar is a little low. Want to grab a drink from the coffee shop? Decaf, of course.” I’m always checking her blood sugar levels throughout the day, but since leaving my dad’s, I’ve been checking it excessively.
Usually, if she’s been fairly active at school, it can dip, and she needs a quick snack to bring it back up.
She rolls her eyes. Any mention of her blood sugar is usually a minor annoyance. I get it. “Okay. Let’s do it. Thanks.”
“Yeah.”
We make the short drive to the coffee shop, hit the drive-thru, and then head home. Her lack of suspicion is a testament to my acting skills and ability to remain calm while internally freaking out, I guess.
She’s about to go to her room when we get home, but I linger in the kitchen and ask her to sit with me for a minute.
Now she looks at me suspiciously.
“What is it? Isn’t Jameson supposed to come over soon?” She glances around as if he’ll appear out of thin air.
“He’s not coming tonight.”
She gives me a look of reprimand, as if she suspects I screwed that up, and now she’s disappointed in me. I guess she does really like him. “What happened?”
“Nothing. It’s about Grandpa.”
Her head jerks back, eyes widening. “What happened to him? Is he okay?”
“Yes. Well…he’s going to be. He’s sick.” Her face pinches with concern. “They caught it early, and they’re going to start treatments very soon. He has very, very good odds. But they’ll be gone for a bit while they do that because treatment can’t be done here.”
“Cancer?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
She hugs me, resting her head on my chest. Her soft hair smells like strawberries. “Are you okay?”
Am I okay? The little girl just found out that her beloved grandpa is sick, and she’s worried about me? I gently smooth her blonde hair on both sides.
“I’m okay.” I smile softly. “Are you?”
She nods, putting on a brave smile. “Can I call him?”
“Sure, sweetie.”
She gets up to grab her cell phone, then pauses. “And then maybe after we could just…watch a movie?”
“Sure. I’ll start the popcorn.”
“Pick up where we left off in The Two Towers?”
I stare at her for a moment, surprised that’s what she wants. I would’ve thought she’d choose a familiar comfort movie. “Okay.”
After she talks to her grandpa for a few minutes, she seems in better spirits. I think he reassured her that he’s going to be okay, and she wholeheartedly believes him.
So I need to think that way too.
As we settle under a ridiculous number of fuzzy blankets, a hot cup of coffee in my hand, she glances at me hesitantly.
“It kind of feels wrong watching these without the Irishman. Are you sure you don’t want to invite him?”
I laugh at the nickname, shaking my head. “Not tonight, honey. It’s just us. Besides, I bet he’ll be happy just knowing we’re watching.”
She shrugs. “Hmm, I don’t know…”
“We’ll save the last one to watch with him. How about that?”
“Deal.”