5. Michaela
MICHAELA
Michaela woke up confused. Where was she? It had been so long since she’d slept alone. She opened her eyes to a sun-filled room and Celine Dion crooning low from the radio she had left on to help her sleep through the night. Her radio wasn’t as fancy as the stereo Jay had, but it got the job done.
Michaela always slept with music. She had started the habit when she was little and her parents would argue. Her mother would always turn on music when things got too bad. Michaela grew accustomed to falling asleep to music as a result.
Stretching, she felt the familiar warmth and heaviness between her legs that came with mornings. It had always felt strange to Michaela, ever since puberty. Now she had an understanding, or at least language as to why it did.
It was validating and freeing, because it meant that she wasn’t weird, or as Brian liked to exclaim, “crazy.” But it was also terrifying because it meant there was something going on with her that was very real.
It meant that on top of being Black in America, she was something else, another other that felt more daunting than being Black and gay.
Michaela had heard of gayness and homosexuality; she had known what to expect from Brian when they were intimate.
She knew how to move through the world as a closeted gay Black boy.
She knew the rules. This was uncharted territory.
At the same time, it called to her, telling her that this was everything she was meant to unlock.
It was the part of her that had been reaffirmed when Callie talked to her like they were girlfriends, like she’d seen her mother do countless times with her aunties and neighborhood women.
Like she belonged in the conversation as a participant and not an observer.
Callie hadn’t put up a wall of difference between them.
It’s what had encouraged her to dress for dinner last night.
It had been lovely getting dressed with Jay and venturing out.
It was like she had borrowed some of Jay’s confidence and bravery–until they’d gotten to the dining hall.
Michaela had picked up on the stares immediately.
Some people’s confused looks turned into incredulity at best and disgust at worst.
Then they’d sat at the table, with everyone so blatantly open and clear about their queerness, and it had been too much for Michaela at the moment.
She wasn’t used to it, and maybe hadn’t truly been prepared for it.
After all, she had always been alone, sharing her queerness only with Brian, behind closed doors.
She wore feminine things only behind closed doors when Brian was out or busy.
Moving in with Jay, she knew she could be the truest version of herself and had been excited because it certainly felt better than the way Brian had made her feel.
The dining hall had been different entirely.
Not only had she felt exposed and fearful, but also envious and foolish.
Sitting at that table with Kevin and his flamboyant jewelry, with Iris in her flashy top, she felt foolish for wanting to hide.
Like they were in on some joyous secret she was too much of a coward to know. The realization was terrifying.
Letting out a full body sigh, she knew her morning situation had dissipated. She got up to go to the bathroom and wondered if Jay was awake and if she’d want to go meet up with Callie. Michaela wasn’t in the headspace for that.
She made it to the bathroom, did her business, shaved, and brushed her teeth.
Looking in the mirror, she ran her hands through her twists and piled them on top of her head, using a strand to secure them in place.
Then she turned and opened the door, jumping at the sight of Jay, who was clearly about to knock.
Jay wore a t-shirt and, to Michaela’s surprise, a pair of boxers.
Her long black hair hung over her shoulders and was mussed by sleep.
Meeting her wide brown eyes, Michaela smiled sheepishly, distracted by the deepening color across Jay’s cheeks.
She had been right–Jay had freckles there that were faint until she blushed.
Michaela was surprised that the sight did things to her.
“Sorry! In my defense, I was going to knock,” Jay said.
“Yeah, no worries, we’ll have to get used to each other's routines. I’m done, so the bathroom is all yours.”
“Yeah, um, Mickey–Michaela?” Jay said as they passed each other in the doorway.
Michaela turned. They were standing very close; the heat of Jay radiated off of her, and Michaela found herself leaning in slightly to get closer to it. She didn’t love the way Jay had gone from “Mickey” to “Michaela”.
Michaela fixed her eyes on Jay’s. “What’s up?”
“I wanted to know if we could talk?”
Michaela swallowed. She was pretty sure Jay wanted to talk about last night, about dinner. Michaela wondered if Jay was a person who couldn’t let things go.
“Yeah sure, you mean before you get ready to hang with Callie, or–?” Michaela tried.
“Oh well, I don’t know if I am going to meet up with Callie, I mean–I kinda wanted to go with you.”
“Yeah, well, I have so much to do today before classes start—”
“Oh same, same.” She shuffled uncomfortably and Michaela realized she probably had to pee.
“Hey, yeah, let’s chat, my door’s open, come to my room once–” She gestured in the air. “Well, once you’re done.”
“Great,” Jay said, sounding wildly relieved as she stepped back and closed the door quickly.
Michaela turned and went to her room, made her bed, and sat down to wait.
Twenty minutes later, they were both seated on Michaela’s bed.
It was awkward. Jay had showered and her wet hair hung straight and loose around her shoulders.
A vanilla and citrus scent was radiating off of her, and Michaela couldn’t help it, she loved it; she loved that it was currently filling her room and that when Jay left, she’d still smell it.
After a few more beats of painful silence, Jay sighed.
“Look, I am a very direct person, so I am just going to ask, are you ok? I know last night was a lot, and if you don’t want to hang out with Callie, that’s fine.
But I would like to get to know you more, in person, before we get busy with classes? ”
Michaela leaned further over her crossed legs and looked down. So Jay wasn’t going to let it go.
“Michaela?” Jay said tentatively, and Michaela lifted her head to meet her gaze.
“How come you’re calling me that and not Mickey? I told you it was fine.” The question was out of Michaela before she could think better of it.
“Oh,” Jay said with a slight smile. She clearly hadn’t expected the question. “I just want to make sure you’re comfortable and if I am being honest, it is pretty clear that you aren’t? And I know we are still getting to know each other, but I want to help.”
Jay’s words were so earnest, her brown eyes so big and searching.
Michaela wanted to both turn away and embrace her.
Which perfectly summed up how she was feeling about everything as of late.
But she had said she would try, and there was something about Jay; it made her want to know more but also made her feel steady and safe.
Besides, Jay hadn’t let her hide, even just a little bit.
She was determined to bust through all Michaela’s walls.
Michaela got the sense that Jay was a person who would throw you into the deep end when you were first learning to swim but would also dive in after you and hold you up till you could tread water on your own.
She somehow instinctively knew Jay had her. And she thought she owed it to herself, to try. After all, she had chosen her name, and despite what all her paperwork said, she was introducing herself as Michaela.
“Okay,” Michaela said quietly.
“Okay?” Jay repeated, and she leaned forward so that Michaela caught a stronger whiff of her scent. She felt her body go warm all over in a way that surprised her.
Gathering her thoughts, she continued, “Yes, I mean, I want to get to know you too, Jay. And I promise I am not uncomfortable with Mickey. No one has ever given me a nickname before. I like it.” She couldn’t help the small smile she felt herself give Jay.
“Yeah?” Jay said, smiling back, undoing the last of Michaela’s resolve.
She knew Jay wasn’t out to hurt her, to judge her like Brian had.
Jay had been searching for someone to live with, and when Michaela had reached out, Jay had taken her up right away.
Had been open with her. Had opened the door that allowed her to pull off a mask she hadn’t even understood that she was wearing.
She had taken care of housing arrangements and made sure they were somewhere with an ensuite bathroom and their own space.
Jay was trying, and so Michaela decided she could too.
She knew the circumstances could be much worse.
“Yeah,” Michaela reassured, “it’s just that until I met you, and started reading more, I didn’t know what trans was.
I had no idea that could be a thing outside of drag queens and stuff.
I always thought I was gay. I had a boyfriend.
But now I am not so sure. I guess my fascination with my little sister’s dresses and my mom’s makeup makes sense.
Like I didn’t want to be like them, I wanted to be them.
Am I making sense?” Michaela shook her head as if the words might fall into place in her mind.
“Hey, hey,” Jay said, soothingly, and she slid on her butt on the bed so that Michaela was positioned between her criss-crossed legs. She then reached forward and set her hand on the top of Michaela’s knee. “You don’t have to know everything or have everything figured out.”