6. Jay
JAY
“Welcome, welcome, how may I help you?” the older woman across from them said, standing up from behind her desk. She had short fluffy greying hair, medium brown skin, and red-rimmed cat-eye glasses that matched her lipstick.
“Hi, I’m Jay, and this is my roomie Michaela, and we were told to come check out the Center here by Davis?” Jay said, bumping her shoulder into Michaela affectionately.
She was feeling especially close to Michaela now. They’d spent the morning chatting while Michaela sat on her bed and Jay expertly painted her toe nails red. Michaela had explained that sometimes she felt confused and silly, but at other times she felt free in her new understanding.
Jay had understood. She reminded Michaela that she wasn’t alone, that they would be able to figure out everything together from now on, since it was clear Michaela had been on her own for most of her life.
Jay couldn’t believe everything she’d learned about Michaela, from her time briefly living on the streets at the age of fifteen to her relationship with Brian.
Jay thought it was a miracle that she’d even managed to enroll and graduate high school and reminded Michaela that being almost a full year older than everyone else was nothing to be ashamed of.
Jay marveled at the sheer strength of Michaela.
It made Jay want to hold her close and never let anything hurt her again.
Not out of pity, no, never. Truly, Jay knew her attraction to Michaela was growing every second they spent together.
She wanted to give Michaela everything she thought she deserved, to pull her close and protect her shine.
Once Jay had finished, she had asked Michaela if she wanted to go to the Queer Alliance Center with her.
Jay was curious about Ms. Cece but also suspected that Michaela could seriously use additional guidance and community.
Jay had her mother’s—both of her parents’--love and support.
She had both Diana and Julia. Michaela had nothing.
“Ah yes, Davis, bless him always sending me new recruits! Are you both first years?”
“Yes,” Jay heard Michaela say from beside her.
When she turned, Michaela was beaming back at Ms. Cece.
She was a tall Black woman with medium-brown skin, a full figure and warm smile.
Her dark hair came down to just where her neck met her shoulder, perfectly bumped under.
Her dark brown eyes seemed to glitter behind her red-rimmed square glasses.
“Well it is a pleasure to meet you both, let me show you around. It’s a little quiet today as classes haven’t started yet, so we will also have a chance to chat a little,” Ms. Cece said, leading them through a doorway.
Jay thought she understood Michaela’s previous smile.
There was something delightful and infectious about Ms. Cece, and Jay couldn’t wait to continue to soak it up.
“And here is where we host group chat, really a safe space for us all to share and provide support to one another. Davis may have called it therapy, but it’s not really.
It’s way more conversational,” Ms. Cece said, leading them into a small room with a multicolored carpet and some chairs sitting in a circle.
The Alliance Center wasn’t all that big, given that it was a space within a larger building.
There were three rooms total, one that looked like a study lounge with desks, a few computers, and a table.
The next looked more like a social area, with two couches crammed into a small room.
Ms. Cece said plenty of clubs met there, and Jay felt a little disheartened by how small the clubs had to be to fit into such a small space.
“So like a support group?” Michaela asked.
“Precisely!” Ms. Cece said, smiling her wide smile.
“Cool, my church had one, for various um, people, but I never went. I just saw a bit about how it worked when my mom would volunteer to drop off food.”
Ms. Cece nodded knowingly. “Well we don’t always have food, but I can promise it is a safe space.”
There was a lull of comfortable silence as Michaela looked around the room.
Jay followed her line of sight. There were posters around the room of various people and events.
There was a nod to the Stonewall and various Pride events.
Michaela stopped and looked intently at a photo of Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson.
“I just discovered them this summer,” Michaela said quietly, her back toward both Jay and Ms. Cece.
“Is this all new to you, baby?” Ms. Cece said soothingly.
Michaela turned and nodded her head. “Should we sit down for a minute? Why don’t you talk to me?
I'd love to learn more about you.” Nodding again, Jay watched as Michaela made her way to a chair and sat down.
Jay followed suit, feeling reassured that this had been the right call for today. They had all year to chat with Callie.
“You can tell me whatever you like,” Ms. Cece cooed.
Sitting down, Michaela began to tell Ms. Cece everything she’d just told Jay this morning.
Michaela’s voice shook less; perhaps, Jay thought, doing it for a second time made it much easier.
Besides, there was something about the atmosphere Ms. Cece had created, something about the energy that rolled off of her, that felt protective, maternal, and safe.
“So you have just started your journey?” Ms. Cece asked.
Michaela looked deep in thought and then said, “I guess so? I mean I have always shaved, kept my hair long now for a while, but this is the first time I understand what I’m doing and why I am doing it.
Before meeting Jay, I don’t think I even knew or had the words to articulate it to anyone, let alone myself. ”
Jay felt those words land heavy in her chest. The idea that Michaela had been so trapped pained her.
But there was more to it. Jay hadn’t known half the things either, she just thought, “this is me, this is how I am,” and those around her supported her.
Jay couldn’t imagine feeling so trapped and being so alone while doing so.
Brian didn’t sound like the most supportive romantic partner.
“Did you ever talk to Brian about this stuff?” Jay asked, without meaning to. But now that she had, she was super interested in the answer. When she was painting Michaela’s toenails, she had let Michaela do most of the talking.
“I mean, Brian just thought I was a girly gay boy or whatever, and I guess I did, too.” Michaela sounded so disheartened that Jay stood and closed the distance between them. She had acted on instinct, the need to be near Michaela. Michaela offered her a warm smile.
“Look, I made a promise to myself that I would try here, try to explore and live as me. I really just want to have fun. I don’t know, maybe that sounds silly.
” Ms. Cece shook her head along with Jay.
Michaela turned her attention back to Ms. Cece.
“I just get overwhelmed sometimes? I met Davis’ friend Iris and then there is Jay, both seem so at ease with—everything. ”
“Well everyone’s journey is different; there is no right way or wrong way to be,” Ms. Cece said before turning to Jay. “I’d love to hear though, if that’s true or…?”
Jay thought for a moment. She didn’t want to come off as smug or a know-it-all, because she wasn’t.
She just was Jay, and she somehow had known from a young age that Jay was all she would ever be able to be.
“I guess, I just see me as me. Like, I’ve seen so many types of women.
My mom, my mom’s boss, my ex-girlfriend, her sister.
Each one had a different way of expressing themselves and I saw that and thought ‘cool, that’s how you are and how you express yourself, and I am here doing the same. ’”
Ms. Cece smiled at her.
Michaela scoffed. “You make it sound so easy,” she said sullenly.
“I mean it isn’t always, so I tried to simplify the way I approached myself.
I also write everything down; I journal a lot.
It helps me organize my thoughts and then examine them later.
Other times it’s just me getting thoughts and fears out.
But I always try to sign off with something affirming.
” Jay took a breath, searching for where she was going with everything.
“Like I told you Mickey, I recently went through a breakup. Maybe what I haven’t shared as much is that on top of missing someone who was like my best friend, someone I still very much care for, is that it feels really scary because what if I never find anyone else who gets me, let alone wants to be with me, the real me?
” Jay felt a small stab of pain in her chest at the truth of her words.
“We all have our fears and insecurities. I have been in love with my great love for ten years and I only just told her three years ago. Every journey is different, full of all the things people carry with them. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and didn’t even know what anything queer was till I was out of college.
Would have saved me a whole lot of grief, but I also wouldn’t approach anything like I do now if I had.
That’s the pain and beauty of life,” Ms Cece said evenly.
“Beauty,” Michaela muttered, and Jay cracked a small smile.