Jay’s Journal
JAY’S JOURNAL
I am so glad that Davis and Iris moved in, I really am. They are so much fun and while they are like me and Mickey, just trying to find their ways, they are doing so with more courage than I have. I thought I was brave but being around those two shows me I have room to grow.
I had Julia and Diana in high school, but it’s not like we were all out publicly.
Everything we built was just for us, and now Davis and Iris are inspiring me to give it a chance, to live out and loud.
I wonder what it would be like to walk down the street holding the hand of a girlfriend?
Or for everyone to know that I have one?
Until then though, just like move-in day, if I wanna wear a dress, I wear a dress.
If I want to wear my boobs and makeup, I do.
I can see the effect on Michaela, too. She let Iris outline her eyes the other day before she went to class. It was subtle, but it was a big deal for Michaela. It made me smile all day thinking about it.
Still, I hear the whispers, especially in my classes.
I won’t repeat the horrible words but they were said.
I know Mickey always thinks I am so confident.
But it sucks to have to accept that being the full me means I have to accept the hate that gets spat my way.
In every single class I have had so far, a person has moved their desk away from me or avoided sitting next to me altogether.
I still have not found a study group that will accept me or one where I would feel comfortable.
Even when I am sitting among hundreds in my lectures, I feel so alone.
Coming back here to my friends or going with Iris to run errands at the Alliance and seeing Ms. Cece, feels so good.
Ms. Cece tells me that if I pursue other classes in the humanities, like gender studies, it won’t be as bad.
But I don’t want to change. Plus, I finally have another corner in the world where I can be myself.
Davis has been amazing, helping me little by little every night on my project, even on top of everything he has going on.
I want to do something nice for him, though I don’t know what yet.
I asked Iris and she just rolled her eyes in that loving way she does.
I may ask Mickey for ideas. I’ve been budgeting pretty well and don’t want to spend the little money I still have left over from the summer.
So I think I may take Callie up on her offer to work with her at one of the cafes near campus.
Callie doesn’t need to work for the money, but now that Kevin has a job and isn’t so free, she’s bored. Must be nice, I guess.
I’m glad for any time I get to spend with Mickey, and while I thought the time apart would help slow down the feelings I have for her, I was wrong.
I feel like they’ve gotten worse. The next time we go out, I am letting loose.
I need to blow off some steam and maybe find a distraction.
Iris and Davis might be working, but Callie and Kevin will be down to find something.
Maybe we will go to Sasha’s again. She seems intent on partying every weekend till she graduates.
I also need to call home this weekend — note to self. Mama is going to flip if I don’t.
Anyway, school so far has been amazing and a bit sad.
Amazing for the friends I have found, for the classes being more interesting than I dreamed, and for Michaela being in my life.
But the stares and whispers make me sad sometimes.
I don’t know when people will see the real me, instead of insisting I’m a fraud.
They make me even more worried for Michaela, who I know is trying to find her way.
But I will do my best to be by her side (AS A FRIEND, JUANITA), and make her smile as much as I can.
There are shitty people everywhere, but at least we have each other.
Stronger together,
Jay