15. Jay #2
“Taller?” Michaela said, surprised. “Why would you want to be taller? At least at your height you can be petite, more feminine.”
Jay shook her head slightly. She couldn’t help the smile on her face because this was so normal, like girls gathering in a locker room, a bedroom or, like they were now, a dressing room.
“You look like a fucking model, Michaela, so tall and graceful, you’re like a fucking queen walking around,” Jay said earnestly.
Michaela just looked back at her, blinking.
“And look, Kayla, I know what I look like. I hate that I have to pile on more makeup as the day goes on because I start to get a shadow along my jawline. I hate that my neck has a bump. There are so many things that I don’t like,” Iris said, pushing over the pile of clothes and sitting on the tiny bench.
“Then how come you both never say that? You always seem so confident,” Michaela said, her dark eyes bouncing from Iris and then back to Jay, searching.
“It helps that I have a list of contacts who want me to fuck them,” Iris said unabashedly, and Michaela snorted.
Jay closed her eyes to hide her eye roll.
“But look, this is the only body I have, so I have to love her. She’s getting me through life, you know?
And one day, when I can, I will be able to live in a body that feels more like me.
Sometimes I have uncomfortable feelings, don’t get me wrong.
Sometimes they get so bad I have to take a nap or force Davis to cuddle me.
But I think that's just how it is with me and my body for now,” Iris offered.
Jay turned to Michaela. “I can’t sit here and say I have the answer either, other than acceptance.
I think what’s helped me honestly is seeing other girls do this.
I’ve seen so many women pick at their bodies because someone is always telling us we aren’t good enough.
My friend Julia thinks her boobs are too big; I think mine are too small; Diana, my ex,” she clarified for Iris’ benefit, “hated her height, too, and wasn’t particularly crazy about being a natural blonde.
Other women dye their hair blonde! I realized that this is just what it means to be a woman in our society.
Women come in all shapes and sizes and there is no right or wrong one.
But that’s me,” Jay said. “It doesn’t have to be you, but, can you try?
I wanna see if I can get you to see a glimpse of the queen I see,” Jay said.
Michaela looked at her and then to Iris, and whatever Iris did behind Jay made her smile.
“Why don’t we start with the underwear? I mean, this place seems decent, we can wash it later—oh!” She turned to Iris. “Can you grab a br–”
“On it!” Iris said, standing and leaving through the curtain. Jay reached behind her to grab the underwear.
“What do you say?”
Michaela rolled her eyes, but there was no real annoyance behind them. “If I can’t do it, will we stop?”
“Of course, always,” Jay said, raising the bag of purchased underwear up slightly. “Did you have a pair in mind you wanted to try first?”
Michaela looked from the bag and then to Jay. Something changed in her eyes. And then she said, “Pick a pair out for me Jay.”
Jay swallowed. For some reason, the words sent a small shock right through her middle, settling into her groin.
Knowing she was blushing, Jay focused on fishing out a pair of red and lacey cheeky bikini cut panties.
She handed them to Michaela without saying anything.
She was too busy trying to control her body.
Cursing her body, which she rarely did anymore, for having the ability to give away her arousal.
She moved towards the curtain and heard Michaela say, “Wait, I don’t mean to be weird, but can you stay? You being here—” Michaela paused and Jay turned to face her again, feeling like the once-sizable fitting room had shrunk, even without Iris there. “It helps, when you’re here, Jay, it helps.”
“Okay.” Jay heard herself exhale and sat down on the built-in bench, sliding as far back into the corner as she could in an attempt at giving both Michaela and herself space.
She put her hands in her lap and focused as she heard Michaela get undressed.
The zipper of her jeans, the rustle of fabric lifting and falling.
Neither of them spoke, and there was something insanely intimate about the whole exchange, beyond Michaela being nude in such a small space with Jay.
Jay tried not to think about the sweet smell of Michaela’s lotion that filled the space as more of her skin was revealed. Tried not to think about what it would be like to touch that skin. Feel it soft and smooth pressed against her—
“Okay, so, I mean I have the panties on, should I have kept my shirt, I took, um I will just hold it up to my chest, even though that’s stu—”
Jay didn’t want to hear Michaela say ‘stupid’ one more time so she looked up, and Michaela stopped talking immediately, holding her white t-shirt to her chest, standing there in a pair of lacey red panties that looked stunning against her mahogany skin.
Jay almost swallowed her tongue. Michaela, all long lines, her taut stomach, her round thighs and —
“Jay?”
Jay realized her mouth was open and her eyes were roaming. She quickly closed her mouth and looked up at Michaela’s face, frozen with apprehension.
“Oh my god, Michaela, you are so fucking beautiful,” Jay said automatically. It was the only coherent sentence banging around her head.
“I look like a m—”
Jay stood and stepped forward so they were close.
“Because you haven’t figured out yet how to carry yourself, how to move like your true self.
You’re still carrying your body like you’re trapped and hiding.
But I don’t want you trapped, and I certainly don’t want you hiding, especially not from me,” Jay said, unable to help the last part.
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean, Mickey. Think about your voice, right? Like how you sound, how you speak, you do it in a way that feels right, right?”
“Brian always said I was trying to sound like a girl.”
“Because you are one. A very feminine girl, you’re not like my old friend Julia at all,” Jay chuckled. “Here Mickey, can I touch you?”
“Yes,” Michaela said, “I trust you.” The last admission left Jay woozy and made her face heat.
“Okay, just follow my lead,” Jay said, putting her hands on Michaela’s hips to keep her from turning around.
“Not yet. Let’s start little by little. Kick your left leg back slightly—that’s it, and now stretch, like you do in the morning before you start getting ready for the day.
” Michaela looked deep in her eyes, a question Jay was not going to answer there.
After another beat, she raised her arms. “Okay, now bend this one at the elbow—yeah. Okay, now–” Jay pulled the hair tie holding Michaela’s long twists to set them loose.
They smelled sweet and warm, just like Michaela, and Jay was suddenly happy she’d volunteered to help Michaela on wash day, or whatever it was, the following weekend. She wanted to bury her face in them.
“Okay,” Jay said, tousling Michaela’s hair, “when you’re ready, look over your shoulder.
” Jay took a peek. She didn’t know what was taking Iris so long.
She had sent Iris to get a push-up bra because she’d realized too late that Michaela hadn’t been wearing one when they left.
Which these days was rare, but they had just been hanging out at home.
Jay wasn’t sad about it now though, having Michaela here topless and holding a white t-shirt to her chest. She was going to be destroyed right here in this dressing room.
Jay knew that ass was going to look amazing in all of the underwear. She hadn’t been wrong.
“Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m—can you count me down?”
“Yeah sure, three, two…” Jay saw the slight tremble in Michaela’s chin. “One.”
Michaela looked over her shoulder, and fuck if she didn’t look like Naomi Campbell doing a photoshoot.
Jay heard the sharp intake of breath.
“You see? All those long lines, and that ass—sorry babe, you have an amazing ass.”
“Oh my god,” Michaela uttered, but Jay wasn’t quite sure what kind of exclamation it was.
Leaning forward so they were cheek to cheek, Jay whispered, “Well?”
“Oh my god,” Michaela said again, and she felt Michaela lean into her as if she was collapsing.
“Mickey, hey, you look—”
“Beautiful,” she whispered, and Jay was so relieved she felt like she was going to float.
“Yeah, babe, you do, hey, hey,” she said, as she felt Michaela’s tears on her own cheek. She took one of her hands and pulled away slightly so she could redirect Michaela’s attention over her shoulder. It was all Jay could do not to begin kissing her tears away.
“You see her?” Jay said. Michaela began to cry in earnest, but Jay didn’t want her to miss this. “That’s who we see when we look at you. And look at you, you’re so gorgeous and this is just one angle. Stunning, god look at you. My beautiful Mickey.”