17. Jay
JAY
“Ugh, do you think we’ll get a rush of customers? At first it seemed cool to just kinda hang out and get paid to do nothing, but today I’m feeling antsy!” Callie exclaimed as she tied on an apron.. They had just arrived for their shifts at the cafe.
“Barf, please don’t remind me. I basically live at the studio,” Callie replied, and Jay understood. She basically lived in the computer lab, so it was no surprise that Callie, who was planning on pursuing art and business, would spend time at the studio.
“Hey, I’ve heard you’ve been busy too, with your midterms, right?”
“I have been? But what makes you say that?” Jay asked, perplexed and startled by Callie’s teasing tone.
She smiled and shook a dark curl off her round, tan face.
She was sporting a deep burgundy lip that Jay couldn’t help but think would look good on Michaela’s mouth.
A mouth she needed to stop thinking about, but so far hadn’t.
She knew she shouldn’t have kissed her; it had been over a week, and she still couldn’t get the kiss out of her mind.
She would say she gravely miscalculated, but that would be a lie at this point.
She knew what she was doing; she knew what would happen, how she would feel and yet, she didn’t want to give up the opportunity.
Besides, she’d lost the chugging contest, something she had meant to do so Michaela wouldn’t, and she had owed Michaela a favor.
And it really didn’t help now that Jay knew Michaela was into women.
Like, really didn’t help.
“I don’t know, I just noticed Michaela has been on her own a lot more.
She’s been at the Alliance solo more than usual.
But, whenever I ask about you she just says you are really busy with midterms.” Callie shrugged, but her eyes stayed fixed on Jay, and Jay thought there was something searching in them.
“Yeah, Davis has been a godsend because I don’t think I could be doing all these projects by myself, they have kept me so busy.”
“I still don’t get why you feel you can’t have a partner—”
“Callie—”
“I know, I know. Just—” Callie’s dark eyes softened. “I just wish it weren’t that way. And while I am sure it isn’t for everyone, I just wish you felt safer to find out.”
Jay smiled sadly back at her friend. She had grown to really like Callie, even more than she thought she would.
Callie was bold and bright, loud and invasive, but Jay came to understand it was all because Callie loved loud and hard.
She especially loved that Callie never tried to dismiss her feelings or tell her that she was wrong.
Callie always acknowledged Jay’s feelings and lamented with her.
Jay was so happy to have Callie in her corner.
“Yeah, same. Anyway, so what, you’re bored? We can talk about something else if you want. Come on, I know you have something to say.”
Callie looked at her with mock indignation. “Moi? Why would you ever think I do?”
Jay gave her a raised eyebrow and a smirk. “Babe, when don’t you?”
Callie laughed. “Well, there is something on my mind.”
“What?”
“Did you read Kayla’s piece in Other Voices?”
And now Jay did wish they were busy or talking about anything else. Because she had read Michaela’s piece in October’s first issue. If the kiss hadn’t confirmed Michaela’s interest in women, the piece had.
Doesn’t mean you have a chance, Jay, Mickey is still figuring herself out.
“I think I saw it, but didn’t get a chance to read it in depth,” Jay said, lying through her teeth and busying herself with a nonexistent spot on the counter in front of her.
“Oh! I read it like four hundred times, it was so sweet, a ‘Re-First Kiss,’” Callie said from Jay’s side. Jay refused to look at her, knowing her face was starting to blush from the heat in her cheeks.
The truth was, Jay had also read the article, like four hundred times.
It had been sweet, sure, but it was also a stunning exploration of Michaela.
Jay had read it hundreds of times, looking for an inkling that Michaela had felt something more than lust, than self discovery.
Because Jay certainly had. When her lips had touched Michaela, she knew she was fucked.
“Jay?”
Jay looked at Callie, realizing she’d spaced out. She looked around to make sure she hadn’t missed a customer or something. The cafe was empty other than the same few folks who were reading when they’d arrived.
“Sorry, I blanked out, thinking about a project, what were you saying?” She hoped she came off as nonchalant.
“I bet,” Callie said teasingly, “I was asking you if you know who she’d kissed? I mean you two are close, right?” Callie added, leaning her elbow on the counter and resting her head on her palm.
“Ah,” Jay said, because she hadn’t even thought of how to answer a question like this.
Would Michaela want people to know it was Jay?
If she had, she would have included more specifics about her in the article, right?
Or at least would have said something to her about not telling anyone.
But the truth was, Jay had been doing a good job of putting distance between them.
Sure, she really was working on various projects and studying for midterms, but she also lingered longer than necessary in the shower, in the lab, and in various other places so she either would miss Michaela or be in bed before she got home.
“Oh my god, it was you, wasn’t it!” Callie squealed.
What the fuck? How? “Why would you think it was me?” Jay said, trying her best to steady her voice.
“Oh come on, it’s all over your face. I knew it,” Callie said, her voice deepening on the last bit as if this was a great reveal. “Kevin owes me like ten bucks,” she added.
“What? Kevin? What does he have to do with this and why are you two betting on us?”
“Oh come on Jay, we have eyes you know. We see the way you look at her. Please do not insult me by acting like I wouldn’t notice. Anyone with eyes would notice, has noticed.”
Jay swallowed. Okay, she knew she was really bad at hiding when she wanted something or someone, and she had never been shy or ashamed of making her feelings known.
Truthfully she didn’t care that other people had noticed, namely Callie and Kevin.
No, the question making her nervous system fire on all cylinders at the moment was whether or not Michaela had noticed.
Jay knew she shouldn’t have kissed her. She also felt guilty for not telling Michaela how she was feeling before kissing her.
For some reason, it felt like she was lying to her.
But maybe she was just lying to herself.
No, she knew she was fucked.
“Do you think Mickey knows?” Jay asked quietly, turning her head to stare out the windows that lined the wall of the cafe, looking out and beyond at nothing in particular.
She had spent so much time putting distance between her and Michaela, she hadn’t stopped to consider that Michaela might be doing the same thing. A silent rejection of sorts.
“Kayla? No way, she doesn’t have a clue, pretty painful to watch if you ask me,” Callie said, and in her peripheral vision, Jay saw her straighten up and rest her hands on the counter. Turning back to her friend, she saw Callie was watching her closely.
“She can’t know,” Jay said, more forcibly than she’d meant.
“Why not?” Callie looked confused.
Jay thought about how to answer her question. Thinking of Diana begging her not to break up with her, to figure out a way to make things work long distance. To give Diana time to catch up to her. Jay was adamant that they needed the space, that she needed the space to find her own way.
“Because I don’t want to baby bird her.”
“To what her now?” Callie said, looking even more confused.
“You know, like a baby bird? I’m sorry, I grew up basically on an orchard.
Every spring we’d come across a bird's nest, and Diana and Julia would tell me not to get too close. When baby birds hatch, they latch on to the first thing they see—they think it’s their mother and then follow them without question. ”
Callie nodded slightly, still looking confused, but Jay could see the wheels turning. “And you’re afraid that if you tell Kayla you like her, she will think of you as her mother?”
Jay scoffed at that. “No! Just—she’s having so many firsts, and everything right now is new. I mean, you read that article, she feels safe with me.”
“I thought you didn’t really read the article,” Callie said, crossing her arms and giving Jay a look.
“Whatever, I read it okay? All I am saying is she probably just feels safe with me and didn’t mind having that experience with someone she is comfortable with.
But that’s it, and I don't want to ruin that for her. Besides, I wouldn’t know if she decided she liked me back because I am one of the few people she feels safe to try new things out with. You know what I mean?”
Callie was quiet for a moment but continued to nod. Her shoulders relaxed, and she dropped her arms. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, I thought I was automatically in love with the person I lost my v-card to, and that was a big nope.”
“Exactly, it’s the reason I also broke up with my ex. I had no idea if I was clinging to the relationship because I didn’t think I could have one like it again, or if it was because it was for me.”
Callie’s eyes softened, and she rolled her lips in while she nodded. “I get that. But you have to remember, this may all be new to Michaela, but she isn’t a baby bird.”
“Maybe,” Jay said thoughtfully, “but I wanna give her space to come to her own experiences and conclusions.”
“Fair, but you aren’t her mother, either,” Callie said.
“I have no interest in being her mother , no way.”
“I doubt you’ll be the only one for long,” Callie said.
Jay felt her heart jump, and she stepped a little closer to Callie. “What do you mean?”
“She’s been hanging out at the Alliance more alone, and people have noticed. I was definitely trying to catch the eye of that fine ass stud, Erica? But she only seems to have eyes for Michaela. Instead I have Kevin’s crush Ryan crawling all over me.”
Jay felt a pit form in her stomach and yawn open. Who was Erica? How had she missed this? She admonished herself because of course she had, since she’d been avoiding Michaela. Stupid.
“Oh well, good for her,” was all she could muster before trying to switch gears before she spiraled into the hole of jealousy that was widening with every moment. “Ryan? Kevin’s crush?”
Callie took the bait. “Yeah I think so? I don’t know. But Kev seems to be talking to him more and more.” Jay suddenly thought that perhaps Callie wasn’t as observant as she let on.
“You don’t think he’s also like me, and trying to put some distance between himself and someone else?”
“Who?” Callie said with great interest.
“Callie…” Jay said, giving her the look.
Callie looked back at her and scrunched up her face. “Kevin is gay.”
“Yeah, and? Have you never heard of bisexuality?”
“Jay, I am the queen of bisexuality,” Callie said, and this made Jay laugh.
“I am just saying it felt like there was something else going on between you two the other night.”
Callie pursed her lips, and seemed to resign herself to honesty. “It’s weird, right? There is something there, but it feels like there may be something missing? I just figured the missing piece was that I am not a man?”
“Same,” Jay said, and they both laughed.
“Sexuality isn’t always fixed, pretty sure my ex thought she only liked men before I came along,” Jay said.
Callie nodded and hummed slightly in thought. “I thought I was straight until I clearly wasn’t. Like, chin deep in pussy wasn’t.”
“Thank you for that visual,” Jay said.
“You’re welcome.”
“Either way we will see tonight though, right?” Jay said determinedly.
“What do you mean, are you—”
“Hell yeah I’m making the Alliance meeting tonight.”