20. Michaela #2
Jay sighed, and Michaela felt her breath skim across her skin. Without looking up, Jay said, “Because I was ashamed. At myself.”
“Ashamed? Why? Like I said, you didn’t hurt me, I—”
“I know, but I didn’t know that then. Mickey–” Jay lifted her face to meet Michaela’s eyes again, her eyes serious but also vulnerable. “I thought I had pushed you, I lost control. I forgot who I was making out with and—”
“What is that supposed to mean? You forgot who you were making out with?” Michaela didn’t keep the hurt out of her voice. Had Jay been thinking of someone else to get through it?
Jay’s eyes widened, “No, I knew I was kissing you, Mickey, I wasn’t thinking of anyone else but you.
I just meant that, all of this is new to you and I didn’t want to rush you or make you uncomfortable.
I know sex hasn’t been the…” Jay slowed her words as if trying to choose them more carefully this time.
“Sex and intimacy haven’t always felt comfortable for you.
I never wanted to be yet another person who didn’t take your wants and desires into account.
Someone who crossed the line with you and made you uncomfortable.
And then like a fucking coward, I couldn’t face what I’d done, or at least what I thought I’d done. And I am so fucking sorry.”
Michaela looked away from Jay and to the side as she digested her friend’s words for a moment, extinguishing the last of the worry that Jay hadn’t been into it the same way she had been.
Replacing those feelings were frustration and a bit of anger.
“You’re right, you didn’t take into account my wants and desires.
” She turned back to Jay, who hadn’t moved.
“You didn’t take them into account because you never let me say them out loud to you.
You just ran off and then I was left to fill in the gaps.
And then my friend, my first friend who I have felt like I can be my whole self with, started avoiding me. ”
“Mickey, I am so sorry—”
“You could have just talked to me. And I would have told you that I liked it. I loved it. That being touched by someone else had never felt so good, so safe, so hot. That I finally understood what I had never felt with Brian. Instead I was left wondering what I’d done to make my friend stop talking to me.
To wonder how such a hot experience for me could make someone else run away from me.
I thought about it so much that it completely ruined my date with Erica.
My first real date, with a hot stud, and I spent it being afraid that she’d try and make a move on me and it wouldn’t be what I wanted. Who I wanted.”
Silence followed. Jay only nodded her head and kept working on Michaela’s left toes. When she’d gotten to the last one, she finally said without looking up, “I deserve all that. I do, I really fucking do. And I am so sorry. I will do whatever you need me to do to make it up to you.”
Michaela stared at the top of her friend’s head, her shiny straight black hair hanging behind her.
Her eyes traveled to her face, zeroing in on the nose rings.
“For what it's worth, I like the nose piercings,” Michaela said finally, not sure how to address the tension that had built back up in the room.
“Yeah, I needed a distraction and Iris took pity on me.”
“A distraction?”
“I always thought I’d look good with my nose pierced, and I was acting like an ass while my best friend got ready for a date. A date I should have been helping her get ready for, but couldn’t.”
Michaela nodded, taking in Jay’s words. “You know Jay, you don’t have to help me get ready for every date. You don’t have to fuss over me. I know this is all new to me like you said, but I am not a child. I get nervous, and unsure, but I am grown.”
“I know, or, I do now and I am sorry if—”
“So you didn’t have to get me ready for that date,” Michaela continued, mustering up a little more strength for this next part.
“So if you couldn’t get me ready for it because you didn’t have the time or whatever, that's fine. If there is another reason, I would like to know.” Michaela slid her foot down through Jay’s hand, resting it against Jay’s chest, just below her shoulder.
Jay kept her hand around her shin as if holding it in place.
Looking up at her, Jay cleared her throat and then said flatly, “I was jealous.”
Michaela felt her stomach drop, but before she could give into her insecurities, she asked, “Jealous of me?”
“Jealous of Erica,” Jay said. Michaela watched color deepen in her tan brown skin, exposing her freckles. They held eyes for a long moment, Michaela reeling at the idea that Jay had been jealous of Erica, that Erica had been going on a date with Michaela.
Jay let out a breath and said, “But it sounds like it didn’t go well. And that perhaps I owe you a do-over.”
Michaela felt her belly swoop at the suggestion, and she smiled with delight and said, “I think you do.”
“After midterms?”
“After midterms.”
Feeling giddy, Michaela swung her finished left foot more widely than necessary off of Jay, and then did the same with her unpainted right foot. She hoped that what she had wanted had happened, and judging by the way Jay’s eyes had slipped from hers, and the full blush on her face, it had.
She was a grown woman, who wore grown woman panties.