20. Michaela
MICHAELA
Michaela opened her eyes to a bright room. She knew instinctively that she had slept into the late morning, but that was okay, she had gotten home way late the night before, almost one a.m. Still, she had been pleasantly surprised to see Jay in her bed when she got home.
Staying on her side, she remained facing the wall, not yet ready to roll over and see if Jay was there or not.
She couldn’t decide what was worse, Jay being there or Jay not being there.
She supposed midterms were next week, meaning everyone was wrapping up final projects and studying for exams. But she was sure Jay was avoiding her.
Which hurt. Jay had really hurt her feelings, and continued to do so with her absence. And–this really pissed her off–Jay had ruined her date last night.
Jay had always been an open book with her, and she knew how much last night had meant to her.
But Jay running off and then avoiding her made her feel like all of the sudden Jay couldn’t be an open book with her.
She had a nagging and terrible feeling that Jay didn’t want to be because she had something bad to say.
Bad in the sense that she thought their make-out sessions were horrible.
A mistake. Michaela had gone through a number of worst case scenarios.
She hadn’t breathed a word to her other friends, but eventually Kevin had said to her one day at work, “Whatever it is, I bet you it's not as bad as you are thinking.” But Michaela was sure it was actually probably worse. Like Jay was going to tell her the sight of her disgusted her, one of Brian’s favorites when he was in a particularly bad mood, or that she couldn’t be roommates with her anymore.
Maybe she had asked Davis or Iris to switch.
Maybe today was the day they were going to do it.
On top of her anxieties attached to Jay, there was also the full-blown desire attached to Jay as well.
Last Wednesday, when they had kissed, when they had made out, Jay had lit something in Michaela she had never experienced before.
Not even with herself. It had been everything.
It had been the care Jay took with her, the pillow she slid between them, the way she had carefully touched and caressed her, checking her comfort levels.
It had been the heat Jay ignited in her with her kisses, her tongue, her smell, her body.
It had been the way Michaela had felt safe, comfortable, but also, and this was new, she had felt so present in her body during intimacy.
Michaela had had sex before, and she always thought, at least in the beginning, the sex with Brian had been what it was meant to feel like, or at least close to it.
The sex she had with herself had always been rushed and more a means to an end, a release.
Either way, in both scenarios, she had always felt a little disconnected, foreign in her body.
But that was not the case with Jay.
It had been amazing until it became overwhelming.
The pressure of Jay’s thigh on her had almost made her come.
Something that had pretty much never happened during sex with Brian, something he’d shamed her for.
At the prospect so many emotions had started to brew inside her, among them the anticipation of what it would feel like afterwards.
It had gotten to be too much and she had asked Jay to stop, which Jay did immediately.
But then Jay apologized and ran away. And now she was in a constant loop of want, desire, and remembering that Jay had found the whole interaction so horrendous that she was avoiding her.
She had been in the loop when Erica had met her at her dorm.
She was in the loop while they watched Independence Day — and not even the beautiful Vivica Fox distracted her mind.
She was in the loop while they shared cheesy fries, and when Erica took her to another Alliance member’s house for a party.
What she had gleaned from the date was that under different circumstances, she would have found Erica charming. She would have been wanting the night not to end instead of counting down the time to say goodnight. And when Erica had leaned in to make a move on her, she wouldn’t have recoiled.
She wouldn’t be lying here, still wanting her friend and roommate who was avoiding her. At least, she hoped they could still be friends and roommates. Either way, with the sound of a book closing from behind her, she knew she was going to have to deal with it, because it appeared that Jay was home.
Summoning the strength that came from having dealt with worse, Michaela rolled over as if she was just waking up. She found Jay seated at her desk, closed textbook still in hand.
“Hey,” Jay said softly.
“Hey,” she said back. And then, “You pierced your nose?” Fuck, Jay looked regal with the added piercings. Effortlessly cool, sexy and confident.
“Uh, how was last night?”
“It was nice,” Michaela said. It had been nice, in theory.
Jay nodded and then said in a rush, “Michaela, I’ve been an ass and I think we need to talk, or I need to—”
Michaela raised her hand to cut her friend off. It was interesting seeing Jay flustered, but Michaela wasn’t ready to hear Jay’s rejection first thing.
“Let me shower first?” Michaela asked.
“Yeah, of course,” Jay said back and then added, “I can go run and grab us some coffee, feel like it will be better to talk here.” Michaela’s stomach dropped. It probably wasn’t good if Jay didn’t want to have the conversation in public.
“Let me just also grab my wallet—” Michaela began as she swung her legs over the side of the bed.
“No, no way, I am definitely buying, I should buy.”
“Why?” Michaela wanted to push back. She could buy her own rejection coffee.
“Well, I am the one that fucked up,” Jay said solemnly.
This made Michaela pause and survey Jay more closely. Her roommate did look a little sad and–ashamed?
“What?” Michaela said, feeling like she was missing something. None of the pieces in her mind fit the puzzle unfolding in front of her.
“Michaela, I owe you so many apologies for everything that happened on Wednesday, I never, I didn’t mean to push you. I didn’t mean to take things too far.”
Michaela blinked, seeing Jay’s genuinely regretful face, but not understanding it. “What do you mean?”
“I went too far, which is why you asked me to stop and then, I felt so…” But Michaela wasn’t listening. Not really. Jay, this whole time thought she had what, hurt Michaela, made her uncomfortable? This was a conclusion Michaela hadn’t thought Jay would reach.
“Jay,” Michaela started and whatever Jay had been saying stopped. “I was going to–I was–it felt good. Like really good.”
Now Jay blinked back at her. “So, wait, you’re not mad at me or—”
“I am mad at you plenty, Jay. But I am mad because you started avoiding me and this whole time I thought it was because, I don’t know, maybe you found the interaction gross or whatever. I mean. Your last girlfriend, her body and—”
Jay stepped closer, “Mickey…” Michaela warmed at the use of her nickname again. “I was so into last Wednesday. In fact, I got a little too into it.”
“No, I just told you,” Michaela dropped her eyes to her hands in her lap. “I liked it. It’s actually all I can think about. All I could think about. All I could think about yesterday.” She raised her eyes back to Jay’s. “All day yesterday.”
A deepening color spread through Jay’s face. Finally Jay said, “Me too.”
Michaela couldn’t fight her smile, widening it as Jay smiled back.
They stared at one another for a moment, uncertainty and tension melting from the moment, replaced by something that felt a lot to Michaela like anticipation.
“I still would like to talk, after I grab us some coffees?” Jay finally said, still smiling.
“Yeah, let me shower, and then maybe you could paint my toes?” Michaela said and was pleased to see Jay smile again.
“Yeah Mickey, let’s talk while I paint your toes.”
Thirty minutes later, Michaela was in her bed with a coffee in hand.
She had taken a little longer than planned because she needed to reshave her legs.
Not wanting any stubble on them was part of her daily maintenance but felt particularly important for this conversation with Jay, who would be up close and personal with her legs.
In her rush to get dressed, she had put on a pair of basketball shorts that were too big for her, and a plain t-shirt.
Jay was kneeling in front of her, her nail kit spread out on the floor between them.
Each time Jay looked up at her, she felt her face grow warmer and warmer, along with the warmth forming in her chest.
“So what color this time?” Jay said quietly. Given they were going to have to have a pretty serious talk that Michaela was anxious for, she didn’t really care what color. But she also liked it when Jay chose for her. It was like she was wearing a secret only they knew about.
“Pick for me?” Michaela said, and the look that crossed Jay’s face made her relax a bit.
“You always ask that,” Jay said, lowering her face to grab her bag of nail polish.
“Does that bother you?” Michaela asked, unsure if she shouldn’t have asked.
Jay didn’t say anything at first, but selected a bottle of a pretty purplish-pink color. When she raised her face, her eyes were serious. “Not at all. Whatever you ask, Michaela, I will gladly give you.” The words spread out in the silence between them.
“Anything?” Michaela finally asked.
“Yeah, anything,” Jay said, and she turned to begin working on Michaela’s left foot, cradling it in one of her hands in her lap.
“Okay. What you said earlier, you were into the other night?”
“Yeah Mickey,” she said, looking up from Michaela’s now-painted big toe, “I loved it.”
Michaela swallowed, thinking. She had heard her friend before. But she still needed the confirmation. “So why did you run and avoid me?”