Jay’s Journal
JAY’S JOURNAL
I finally had to face Michaela. It was quick, I was leaving the suite and she was coming back from work Thursday.
If there were any gaps in her working schedule where our free time overlapped, I’ve filled them so that I can avoid the library.
I haven’t been going to Collective dinners either these last couple of days and I have been staying late in the lab so that I know Michaela will be asleep by the time I get back. We haven’t spoken since Wednesday.
It’s a cowardly move and I know it. I am just not ready to face her yet.
I need to apologize. But every time I go to do it, I clam up because I have to face the fact that I told her I wouldn’t hurt her, and the mere chance that’s what I did makes me sick.
And it’s selfish, I know it, but it doesn’t mean I can stop feeling it.
I owe her an apology though. I know I got carried away, and what’s worse, is I knew there was a chance I would because my want for her is beyond anything I have ever experienced.
I’ve never had to slow down and hold back for anyone. And I slipped up.
I never should have agreed to make out with her.
But she asked me. And how was I supposed to say “no”?
I don’t think I ever can. Not when I have the overwhelming urge to give Michaela everything and then some.
Like I want everything she wants for herself.
And if I can’t give everything to her, then let the universe find another way.
Because she deserves it. I know that more than anyone else. She deserves it.
And yes, there is a voice in the back of my head screaming “she also deserves an apology” and “she also deserves a WAY better ‘friend’”, if I can even call myself a friend at this point.
I haven’t thought of her as just a friend since I first laid eyes on her.
The first time she smiled. The first time I caught her dancing in her room.
The first time I painted her toenails. The first time… I could go on and on. I just….
You are no baby bird. And neither is Michaela.
That’s what Sasha had said. It pains me to admit it but she’s right.
Of course she is. I know she’s right because hearing it had felt like a giant slap to the face.
I sat there for a minute or two. And it sucked.
It sucked because she really just let me stew in her words, letting them sink all the way in till I wanted to scream them out.
Sasha also asked me if I would want someone else to show Michaela exactly what she deserves, and that made me sick to my stomach, because of course not. Of course I am selfish enough that I want it to be me, if she’ll have me.
I am so lucky to have been able to talk to Sasha.
When I left home I was worried about losing Diana and Julia, both who were my best friends.
The only people I was always able to be my full self with.
I have that now with Ms. Cece, Sasha, Kevin, Callie, Davis, and Iris, who I should mention took me out today after work to get my nose pierced.
I have been wanting to for a while but I figured people wouldn’t take me seriously with face jewelry, it’s why my parents had been so strict about only one hole in each ear.
But, I am starting to realize those who aren’t going to take me seriously were never going to, and I can’t live for them.
Not right now. Sure there is safety and wellbeing, but here, with so much support, I decided to live a little.
That and Iris basically dragged me from the suite while Michaela and Callie got her ready for her date.
She said that while I was being an asshole she’d let me off a little easy with a distraction—my choice, because I was, in her words, “so fucked.”
Making a note here that we saw signs for the upcoming campus fair. There will be a mini Ferris wheel. It is a spot I would love to take Mickey.
So as I write this, I am now home, with a sore nose.
I like the way it looks a bunch, both the nostril ring and my septum ring.
The distraction worked, for an hour I forgot about the guilt, the shame, and the fact that Michaela was going out on a date with someone else.
Iris also told me earlier, “Get your shit together. You’re better than this, and she deserves better.
” Community, couldn’t be more grateful for it.
So, making a promise with myself: I am happy Michaela went on the date.
She deserved to go. She deserves to know she is wanted, especially by someone as hot as Erica.
But when she comes back, if they aren’t exclusive or anything, or she isn’t hell-bent on being unattached while she explores — all bets are off.
I will not continue to overthink things.
I will first apologize for being a right asshole about all of this, especially before midterms. I will ask her on a date, maybe we can ride the Ferris wheel.
And then, wherever Michaela leads, I will follow. Whatever Michaela asks of me, I will give to her. Because I am falling for Michaela, if I haven’t already. And I might as well stop fruitlessly fighting the fall and brace for impact.
Determined to get the girl,
Jay