19. Jay
JAY
Jay’s body was on fire. She held Michaela’s jaw in one of her hands and used the other to cradle the back of her head. Jay kissed her friend gently at first, holding their lips together so she could drink Michaela in. Her soft, sweet smell enveloped her senses, making Jay feel light on her feet.
After a moment she pulled back slightly, giving her friend the chance to back away. It was her last stand against herself—Michaela’s last chance to back away before Jay lost herself.
“Mickey?” Jay breathed.
“Please, Jay,” Michaela breathed again, and damn it. Michaela brought her own hands to hold Jay’s face, as if she were afraid Jay would pull back again. There was no chance. Jay would only stop if Michaela asked her to. If Michaela pushed her aside.
They stood there, Jay’s eyes closed, slowly moving their lips, and Jay realized that Michaela was probably looking to her to lead.
She tentatively darted her tongue out and was delighted when Michaela let out a breath and opened for her.
Jay slotted their mouths together, massaging Michaela’s tongue.
She felt Michaela pushing her, and at first, she thought Michaela was pushing her away, but when she went to straighten and pull her head back, Michaela held on, sliding her own tongue across Jay’s as if to say don’t you dare.
The gesture made her cross-eyed, even with her eyes closed, and her mind went fuzzy, so it took a moment to realize that Michaela was pushing them towards her bed.
Her bed.
Michaela pulled away and got on the bed. She turned to Jay and said, “I thought this would be more comfortable.”
Jay didn’t care. She didn’t give a fuck where she had to kiss Michaela, she just knew she had to do it. Still, the pause gave Jay a second to think and remember what they were doing and why. Jay grabbed the throw blanket at the end of her bed.
“Are you cold?” Michaela said uncertainly.
“God no,” Jay said, her body on fire, “just trust me, okay?”
“Always,” Michaela said, as Jay wedged the still folded blanket between them, over their crotches, hoping it would act as a barrier to stave off any overexcitement on her part, but also any potential dysphoric interruptions.
Jay still wasn’t sure how comfortable Michaela was with her body.
As soon as Jay had the blanket in place, she was back on Michaela’s mouth.
Michaela lay on her side, and Jay mirrored her, continuing to explore Michaela’s mouth with her own, relishing her warmth and her smell she loved so damn much, and the slight pressure of their bodies fitted so close together, save for the blanket.
Slowly, Jay took her arm and slid it under Michaela’s so she could wrap her arm around her back.
She wasn’t sure where Michaela was comfortable being touched and really wished they’d talked about this beforehand.
But she ached to touch her, and so she slid her hand up to the base of Michaela’s neck, loving the feel of her soft hair under palm.
Without thinking completely, and yearning for more, she slid the tips of her fingertips up so that they slipped in between Michaela’s twists and across her scalp.
At her touch, Michaela’s arm made its way around Jay’s waist and pulled, as if they could be any closer.
Michaela was growing more comfortable and bolder with her tongue, and Jay loved it.
They took turns dominating, tasting, and caressing, until Michaela rolled onto her back, Jay following her, pulling half of her body onto Michaela’s.
She pulled her hand from Michaela’s scalp and began to rub up and down her arm, itching to explore more, to taste more, to give Michaela more more more.
Jay’s body ached with arousal, and she was careful to try and be as conspicuous as she could, but she thought she would need to take a very cold shower after this stopped. Whenever it stopped.
Jay didn’t want it to stop.
As if reading her mind, Micheal pulled away enough to croon, “Touch me, Jay.” Michaela said it as if she needed it, and the way she asked for it, like she’d forgotten they were just friends, just practicing, made Jay’s mind feel like it was melting. Perhaps it was.
Jay immediately began trailing kisses up Michaela’s jaw line to her ear, and nibbled at the lobe. Michaela let out a gasp of pleasure, but Jay wanted more. She wanted a moan. She wanted Michaela coming apart underneath her with her name on her lips.
Trying her best to fend off that line of thinking, she began to trail kisses down the crook of Michaela’s neck, massaging the soft skin there with her tongue. Jay felt one of Michaela’s hands slide into her hair and across her scalp, pulling her closer, as if asking for more.
Jay would give her more and anything she asked for right now.
As she continued to kiss Michaela’s neck, Jay was surprised to find herself wanting to suck a mark into it, one that would still be there on Saturday, so Erica would know she had been there.
It surprised Jay and she paused; she’d never been possessive with Diana, not like that anyway.
She heard Michaela breath, “What’s wrong? ”
Jay didn’t answer with words. She took the hand that had been on Michaela’s arm and dragged it across Michaela’s stomach, sliding it up to cup her breast. When Jay’s hand slid across a pebbled nipple, Michaela moaned and Jay pulled up to drink it down by kissing her lips again.
She kissed her hungrily and deep, continuing to massage Michaela’s nipple, loving the way it made Michaela moan, her back arching slightly.
Jay pushed her right leg deeper into the blanket, and Michaela let out another gasp, followed by a moan that sounded like a moan of surprise.
But Jay was lost and couldn’t put too much thought into it.
“Oh,” she heard Michaela breathe as Jay went back to her neck. Michaela began to writhe beneath her.
“Fuck, Jay,” Michaela breathed, and Jay was fully lost now; she had been barely hanging on as it was. She increased the pressure of her leg and began to tease Michaela’s breast and nipple in earnest.
“OH my god, shit, fuck, Jay—wait, what the fuck!” Michaela gasped, and this time, the surprise did reach Jay, who remembered that she was not embracing a lover, but helping a friend feel more confident for her date.
Jay froze immediately and rose. Looking down, she saw Michaela’s eyes were glassy and she had a look of both utter panic and shock on her face. “Oh fuck, Michaela, oh my god I’m so, I’m so—” Jay was up and across the room in an instant.
What the fuck did she do? Her heart was pounding, flooding her body with adrenaline that was quickly displacing the heat that had been there once before. Her heart may have been pounding, but she felt a chill speeding through her, seeming to solidify in her stomach.
“Michaela, fuck I am so sorry, I—” Jay didn’t finish the sentence.
“Jay wait, please—” she heard Michaela say, but she needed to get out of here. Needed space. Needed to give both of them time to process.
“I’m so sorry,” Jay said again. She didn’t turn around; she couldn’t face Michaela.
Instead she flung open her dresser, grabbed a sweatshirt, and then swiped her keys from the top.
She slipped on her sneakers and without another word, ran from the room.
She was grateful that Davis and Iris were no longer on the couch.
She made a beeline for the front door to the suite and flung it open.
Jay had no real idea where she was going as she walked through the crisp October air, not till she found herself on a familiar street, approaching Sasha’s house.
Which made sense; it really was one of the few places she knew how to get to off campus, besides her job.
She walked up to the door and rang the bell, not really expecting Sasha to answer but grateful when she did.
“Little lamb? You aren’t my pizza guy,” Sasha said. She was in sweats and had her hair tied up. It was one of the few times Jay had seen her without makeup. These days, she mostly saw Sasha at Alliance meetings and on the weekends, when they came over to drink and dance in a safe space.
“No, sorry,” Jay said, and burst into tears.
Sasha sighed. “Come here, love,” she said and pulled Jay into her arms.
“Are you going to want some of this pizza?” Sasha said, coming into the living room with a slice of veggie pizza on a plate in one hand and two cans of beer in the other.
The room looked so different sans party, but, Jay supposed, of course it did.
Now the living room was neat and quiet, and a couch that was often shoved over to a wall sat in the middle of the room with a coffee table in front of it.
“No, I’m not hungry, but thank you–and sorry for interrupting your evening.”
“Oh hush, little lamb, what is this, Victorian England? No need to be polite, you come over whenever. I may not always be home, but if I am and I’m not getting my back blown out, I will open the door for you.”
Jay smiled weakly at that, and Sasha smiled back, as if that had been the whole point.
“Alright tell me what’s going on,” Sasha said, plopping down on the couch next to Jay and handing her a beer. Jay took it. She wasn’t really thirsty; she needed something to do and hoped it might calm her nerves.
“I kinda fucked up and, I need a second to cool off,” Jay said, opening her can of beer. She took a sip, the cold liquid doing something to ground her.
“Fucked up how?” Sasha pushed, and Jay supposed that she owed her something, considering she had just arrived unannounced.
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Does this have anything to do with Michaela and perhaps, Erica?” Sasha said.
Jay held her gaze. Finally she said, “Does everyone know?”
“Everyone with eyes, honey,” Sasha said, setting the can down and folding a slice of pizza with one hand and taking a bite. Between chewing, she said, “Everyone, except maybe Michaela. Either way, it took you not being around so much for Erica to finally make a move.”
Jay sucked her teeth and shook her head. “I can’t believe I was late earlier tonight. At the last fucking moment we got a huge rush of people at the cafe, and the shift transition took longer than usual. I blame Callie.”
“Callie? What’s she got to do with this?”
“She spent most of our shift complaining there weren’t enough customers to give us something to do.” Jay rubbed her eyes. She’d stopped crying, and they were puffy and she was tired.
“It is only a matter of time, once Erica has her eye on someone. So what happened, did you confess your undying love and it didn’t go well?”
Jay frowned and then rolled her eyes. “No, because it isn’t worth confessing right now.”
“Why not?”
“Because!” Jay said, more forcibly than she’d wanted. She took a deep breath. “This is all new for Mickey, she’s discovering things and trying to be comfortable with herself and I don’t want to overwhelm her.”
“I don’t think she’s ever looked overwhelmed around you. How do you know she wouldn’t wanna try with you? You have heard the jokes about lesbians, right?”
Jay rolled her eyes even harder. “Yes. And whatever. They’re just jokes.”
“Are they?” Sasha said, taking another bite of her pizza and raising one eyebrow.
“Anyway, that’s not what I want, I don’t want to—I don’t want her to be like a baby bird, you know? Imprinting on the first person that comes her way,” Jay said.
There was a pause while Sasha chewed and swallowed, then she threw her head back and laughed. “Oh my, I have never heard it put that way!” She laughed, a full belly laugh.
“Well, ha, ha, ha,” Jay said back, sliding down and leaning back to get more comfortable on the couch, succumbing to the weight of her feelings.
“Look, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend when I graduated high school. Because for women like us–or me, I know I can’t speak for everyone–I just needed space to understand if I was hanging on to her because I was afraid I would never find love again. ”
“Okay, and you found it again,” Sasha said, shrugging.
“Well, I mean love and returned love.”
“And so you are denying yourself, figuring out if Michaela can return how you feel because…”
“Because she is trying to figure out the same thing! I don’t want her to like me just because she’s ‘comfortable’ and I make her feel ‘safe’,” Jay said, using air quotes. “I don’t want her to feel like she has to be with me because I got there first. Like with a baby bird.”
“I understood your ridiculous metaphor, Jay.”
“How is it—”
“Oh come on, my goodness! We go to the same school, so I know you’re actually brighter than this, love. Comfortable, safe, these are reasons to be in a relationship with someone you know—”
“You know what I mean—”
“And furthermore, you didn’t get there first, she had a boyfriend before you, didn’t she?”
“Okay, but that was before.”
“Before what, all of this?” Sasha said, gesturing around the room and then at herself. “Before she understood she was Michaela? Honey, that does not invalidate the relationships you had prior. If you somehow found yourself with a man, would that invalidate how you felt about your ex?”
Jay thought about this, and while she couldn’t envision the man part she certainly couldn’t envision her love for Diana being invalid. Ever. “No, but—”
“And listen, Michaela is beautiful. You’re hot as hell, and I think you know it.
But Michaela doesn’t know how beautiful she is yet.
That might be intimidating for her. But trust me, other people, like Erica, notice, and they are ready to tell her.
Better yet, they are ready to show her. Would you rather it be left up to someone else other than you, Miss Comfortable and Safe? ”
Jay opened and then closed her mouth. Of course not. Of course she wouldn’t.
“And whatever happened when you were at home, little lamb, was when you were leaving the proverbial nest, no? Open your eyes, you may have needed space then because you hadn’t left the nest yet.
We are no longer in a nest, Jay–we’ve all left home.
We are all flying. There is nothing wrong with giving Michaela space to explore; you’re exploring too.
You need to realize that was you then, and you aren’t a baby bird anymore. And neither is Michaela.”