The Me I get to Be
BY MICHAELA
This piece is going to deviate a bit from my usual musings and reflections, and I don’t think any of you will care. I have now been on TWO dates with two different hot women. And? I now have a GIRLFRIEND!
I don’t think I will ever be the same. And I don’t think I want to be. I have had a girlfriend for forty-eight hours. Two whole days! I keep waiting to wake up in bed on the morning she asked me out, like all of this is some anxiety-induced fever dream. But it’s not. I know it’s not.
My first date was great! I had never been on one.
I was asked out by a sexy as hell stud, who was a perfect gentleman the entire date.
In fact, the only problem was me. I wrote last time about the lack of order of things.
I went from being kissed to gaining a crush.
At first I didn’t know if it was rooted in the fact that I had allowed myself to really feel desire for the first time.
But then I realized on my first date, that while there was desire there, it now felt empty.
Like it was missing something. And then, I realized it was because I had a crush.
I understand why it's called a crush, the weight of it is heavy.
When my crush asked me out, I was both elated and nervous that the weight of it all would suffocate me.
She is pretty femme, the opposite of a stud, and she is also a woman like me, in all her trans glory.
This is both freeing and daunting because while she understands me in a different way than other women, our experiences are so different.
But I have been trying to learn that that’s okay. With time, I think I will.
That was not what had my stomach in knots during the date.
It was both nervousness and excitement that had my whole body buzzing.
This was made worse when she took me onto the Ferris wheel.
I am afraid of heights! But I thought I could do it.
When she realized I was terrified, she got down real low and held me.
I had only been held as a small child. Not like that.
Not like the person holding me didn’t want to let me go.
Her arms didn’t make me feel safe—we were suspended way too high in the air for that.
But her arms made me feel like even if we fell from the sky and crashed, there was no other place I’d rather be.
Heavy, right? But once I knew she felt the same way? I gave in and let the feeling crush me, consume me, and I am not broken or bruised, instead I am so light and whole. It made the rest of the date so perfect.
Once we got off the Ferris wheel, she kept her promise of taking me back to the bumper cars, and I have decided I MUST get my license, because I love to drive.
I think when I am older, if I can, I will get a convertible.
I never understood why someone would pay so much money for a small car and purposely remove the roof that you paid for.
But now I get it. I think I want one, the wind in my hair, the thrill of air rushing around me.
After the cars, she insisted we do some “typical date stuff”, we played games and she won me a Beanie Baby.
Apparently they are going to be worth thousands so she was pretty stoked.
When she won, she had a choice of a few and asked which one I wanted.
It being a gift from her, I wanted her to choose.
I thought she would just pick the one she thought was the cutest, but she examined the tags on a few of them before the clerk asked her to hurry up.
She picked up a little black cat with white paws.
Their name is Zip. When I read the tag, I couldn’t help but smile:
Keep Zip by your side, all the day through
Zip is good luck, you’ll see it’s true
When you have something you need to do
Zip will always believe in you!
And then, because she insists on ruining me, she said, “If I am ever not right there when you need me, or you miss me, Zip will be there for you, cheering you on till you can hear it from me.”
So naturally, I made us do a few games till I could find something I could win her.
Luckily for me, the basketball shoot stall had an array of prizes including a few Beanie Babies.
It is the only time in my life I was happy to have played basketball.
I won, and knew I had picked the right Beanie when I had found “Velvet the Panther.” The bigger cat has a poem that fits her perfectly:
Velvet loves to sleep in the trees
Lulled to sleep by buzzing bees
She snoozes all day and plays all night
Running and jumping in the moonlight
She reminds me of a beautiful panther, so sleek and sexy. The poem fits her confident and carefree nature. It inspires me.
I don’t know how things will go with us, but I am excited to find out because something clicked for me when I was on that Ferris wheel huddled in her arms in fear.
I trusted her. I was willing to face my fears for her, with her, but more importantly, she was willing to face them with me.
And I think that’s what I need right now more than anything.
I wrote out my List of Dreams thinking it would take so long to be able to start making my way through, or in my case, around the list. The old me had resigned herself to just being with someone who wanted her, even if deep down she knew it wouldn’t work with him.
Not simply because I am absolutely a lesbian, but because I could never be my full self with someone like him.
He never would have faced my fears with me.
He just would have told me I am silly and that because we live “wrong” we don’t deserve happiness and joy.
It’s what my parents and my old community would have me believe too.
It’s what society and our government would have us believe.
Which makes me sad for past me. She believed it, too. But since finding friends and being held in the arms of my girlfriend, I know that isn’t true. It’s just a truth they don’t want us to know.
I am so happy I get to know the truth. I am so happy that old me got to grow up to be the me now.