The First Orgasm
MICHAELA
While working on the more emotional aspects of our relationship, I find myself wanting to explore other avenues as well. Especially now that I have experienced something that has made me feel alive: my first orgasm.
It wasn’t really my first, but it was the first one where there was no rush of emotions so tangled that I needed a moment to return to center. It was the first where I felt free.
With my girlfriend, I feel so powerful in knowing that desire is mine and that the freedom found at the end of it is mine as well.
Yes, this is going to be about sex. I am shy by nature, or maybe the right word is bashful. But, yesterday I came across an article by Davina Gabriel, one of my favorite zine contributors, about sex.
I must have read the article a thousand times.
Not because I have never come across what sex is, nor am I a virgin or even a prude.
It is a fun piece about a hot and heavy encounter, but reading it, I realized how important that is.
In this country we don’t really talk about sex, let alone queer sex.
I didn’t know the first thing about it until I started reading books by queer people.
I didn’t know the basic mechanics of lesbian sex.
I didn’t know how powerful sex could make someone feel, even if they surrender or submit.
I didn’t know how good it could feel. But I also didn’t understand that the pleasure of sex can be physical and emotional.
That sex is just another extension of ourselves. Another form of communication.
It is so rarely talked about or written down where someone can access it, hence why I have read about one person’s encounter multiple times.
But, of course, that’s one perspective, one set of desires.
Now, I am very open in my writing here but I am not about to give you all of the details of my girlfriend and I’s lovemaking.
But I am going to share a resource that I found that has been helping me quite a bit, one that I was reminded would be important to capture here for others to benefit from as well.
Below is an interview with one of my friends, who we will call Mira, because this will mention her involvement in sex work.
Michaela: Thank you for agreeing to do this, Mira. Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself first before we get into the nitty-gritty details.
Mira: Sure! I’m a sophomore here, twenty years old, studying psychology. I have a particular interest in sex, as you know, and have decided to major in psychology with the hopes of becoming a sex therapist that specializes in queer sex. I am also a fortunate sex worker.
Michaela: Fortunate because it is aligned with your major?
Mira: No. I feel the need to be clear about the type of sex worker I am.
Like so many in our community, I am doing it as a means of survival, but my circumstances are different.
The streets are dangerous for women, especially women like us, who someone will harm without a second thought and often without consequences.
Hell, the cops do not care, half of them are the ones doing it.
Plenty of working girls will tell you if they are lucky, they are able to get away with just having to give a blowjob.
They risk their bodies in more ways than one, since so many Johns think if they’re paying they don’t have to use a condom.
But that isn’t my reality and I think it's important to state that because for me, my work is fun, exciting, and much safer. I don’t want to seem like I am glorifying something that is incredibly dangerous and often demeaning.
Michaela: Thank you, I have spent time on the streets, as you know. And I have seen the lengths people must go to survive. Plus I have read some incredibly harrowing experiences that I have shared here. I am happy that your circumstances are not that.
Mira: I have two Johns and I have exclusive arrangements and they both have too much to lose to be too ugly with me. So it works for now.
Michaela: Well, I for one think you would make an incredible sex therapist. You have been so helpful in my journey with my body and my girlfriend’s. Care to share some tips for our readers?
Mira: Yeah sure! I forgot to mention that I think this is great, by the way.
It’s not like any of this is covered in sex ed.
Like I told you and your lover, I stand by the need for unabashed communication - none of this works without talking to each other and in our community it is better to do so before things get hot and heavy.
Michaela: Examples? Like when you had me write down what I wanted out of sex or mapping my body?
Mira: Exactly. It is important to also communicate with yourself, so that you can communicate with your partner. What do you want out of sex? Do you know what you like? If so, what? What don’t you? It seems basic, but this isn’t talked about enough in general, let alone our community.
Speaking of our community, I think language and vocabulary are super important.
Like what do you want certain parts of your body to be called?
Language is key and you and your partner or partners –no judgment and who doesn’t like a good group hang—need to be speaking the same language in order to effectively communicate.
I would also challenge you to allow your language to have some elasticity, because languages are made up to begin with.
So yes, it makes sense that some transexual women will call their cock a cock or a clit, or a she-cock. Whatever makes you feel comfortable!
Lastly, you always have agency, otherwise the encounter isn’t consensual and that is a big problem.
I have a cock and don’t mind penetration.
One of my clients prefers to bottom. But, that does not mean everyone who has one or calls their member a cock does, and that’s OK.
It is your body, if you don’t like something or want to stop, you do not owe anyone anything.
So much of this is also a strong mindset and knowing what you’re not willing to negotiate on, hence the need to communicate.
Michaela: Yes, thank you so much Mira, I really think having a place where these things are outlined is so important. Do you think you’ll ever write about your experiences? I mean, I have even learned new ways to explore my body because of you. Will you ever write them down?
Mira: I absolutely plan to. Maybe I should have a sex column in this paper, wink wink.
Michaela: I look forward to that, but for now, we have this interview. Thank you again!
I hope the above helps people start thinking more deeply about what they desire. After all, many people in our queer community are taught to ignore or hate their desires, so we don’t always think about them, and we absolutely deserve to.