31. Jay
JAY
“Callie, I swear to god, I love you, but I have to look Bjorn in the face later today, okay?” Jay said, between laughter that was born of complete awe.
She and Callie were at work in the cafe.
Now that it was the first week of February, it was busier, but there were still moments of downtime in the afternoons.
Callie was more than happy to fill that time catching Jay up on all things.
“Oh come on, like your sex life is boring,” Callie said, rolling her big dark eyes, made bigger by the new pixie cut she had come back from break with.
Jay thought it suited her; her black hair was shorter, framing her face in waves.
She paired the whole look with red lipstick and Jay thought it looked very early Toni Braxton.
“Oh it definitely isn’t, but still not touching that,” Jay said, wiping down the counter in front of her to have something to do with her hands.
She smiled to herself, because her sex life was definitely not boring.
Over the last several weeks Michaela had become a bit insatiable, and Jay was not complaining.
They still hadn’t moved beyond hand stuff and the few times Michaela had gone down on Jay, but Jay relished the change in Michaela.
It wasn’t perfect; sometimes Michaela still clammed up, and Jay always made sure to check in with her, but mostly Jay was happy to see Michaela finally own her sexuality the way she knew she wanted to.
To watch Michaela go after what she wanted, when she wanted, was thrilling.
It also helped that her initial breakthrough had coincided with the change in their relationship, something that made it feel more solid.
There was a clear understanding now between them—or maybe that wasn’t the right word.
No, it was more like acceptance. Michaela accepted Jay, and Jay accepted her.
It made Michaela freer, and when they did find themselves alone, panting into each other’s mouths, Jay loved the look of what could only be described as freedom as she finger fucked her girlfriend from the front, her body clenching around Jay’s fingers, as if trying to hold her there and—
“Jay? Where did your mind just go, girlfriend?” Callie’s voice brought Jay back to the cafe, where she realized she was still wiping the dry counter.
“Ah nowhere, just on a school thing.”
“A school thing, huh?” Callie said teasingly, “A school thing has that stupid grin and look of intensity on your face? More like the not-boring sex life you’re having and won’t tell me about.”
Jay playfully scoffed, “I don’t kiss and tell Callie, maybe you could learn a thing or two.”
“I am trying to learn a thing or two, that’s why it’s important for us to trade techniques and—”
“Nope,” Jay said, shutting her friend down. “I have learned way more about Kevin and Bjorn than I ever want to.”
“No way, my boyfriends are hot, and so is your girlfriend, it feels like a win-win.”
“Gay remember?” Jay said, smirking.
“Fair,” Callie conceded.
Jay smiled at her friend, who had turned her face down in a classic Callie pout.
Her red lipstick accentuated the adorable move.
Jay had been so happy to have classes start again, mainly so she could get the Collective back.
She’d missed Kevin and Callie and now Bjorn, who joined them most nights for dinner.
“Fine, I will indulge you some more, how is it having two boyfriends?” Jay asked carefully. Though the formation was different, Jay couldn’t deny that she was curious about what it was like to have two partners.
“It’s da bomb, why?” Callie said, turning to her and crooking an eyebrow. “You and Michaela looking for a third?”
Jay’s stomach flipped at the idea, something she had never considered until that moment. What would that be like? What would it be like to bring her loves together? Shaking the thought from her mind, she said, “No, more like, just wondering what it’s like to have two people you care about.”
Callie looked at her assentingly before nodding and saying, “Oh...does this have to do with your other fling or whatever Kevin was talking about the other day?”
Jay almost choked on nothing. “My what?”
“Don’t be embarrassed,” Callie said, waving her hand in a placating manner.
“Kayla was talking to Kevin about it at work earlier, and he happened to talk to me and Bjorn about it.” Jay scowled and Callie continued, “Not because of anything gossipy, okay? Just more like we are kinda new to this too. I mean, Bjorn has two baby polyamorous partners and now we have to deal with Kevin’s sub who tops awakening.
It’s nice to know we aren’t the only ones figuring shit out.
Also now that we are all kinda banging, our friend group is mildly incestious. There aren’t any secrets now, Jay.”
Callie said that last part teasingly, but Jay knew it was true.
She wasn’t bothered per se, considering Michaela and Kevin were close and Michaela was working to understand Jay’s newly identified polyamorous feelings.
Especially now that she and Diana were periodically exchanging emails.
Nothing too heavy, more like two friends catching up.
Jay sighed. “She’s not my other girlfriend or fling or anything. We are just reconnecting, that’s all.”
“For now,” Callie said playfully, “but seriously Jay, I never knew this was a thing either, but it is. I can’t explain it; Bjorn, Kevin, and I just fit.
I don’t care for one more than the other, maybe differently, but not more or less, and they make me feel like they feel the same way, which is nice. Plus Bjorn’s got a fat—”
“Okay, Callie, remember what I mentioned, having to look Bjorn in the eye later tonight?” They were both going to an Alliance meeting after work.
“Yes, yes, and I am glad you are coming tonight, we’ve missed you.”
“Yeah well, school has been a little dicey,” Jay said carefully. She didn’t want to get into it at the moment.
“People still being assholes and giving you a hard time?” Callie said sternly.
Jay nodded. “Yeah but fuck ‘em right? I have Davis, thank god.” She said it with finality, to let Callie know she didn’t want to go into detail.
Not because she didn’t trust Callie, but because she didn’t feel like giving assholes any more of her time than she already did each time they hurt her feelings.
She knew things on campus wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows, and that’s why she appreciated the Alliance so much, and also mostly, the Collective.
She didn’t want those asshats to take up room in her spaces of happiness.
“Yeah,” Callie said sadly, “Fuck ‘em”.
“So I know a lot of you will be home, but for those of you who are here, I’d love to plan a trip to attend this year’s Pride,” Ms. Cece said at the end of an emotionally heavy Alliance meeting.
In their safe space, it was sometimes easy to forget the looming, oppressive world around them, the reason Jay hadn’t wanted to talk about her classmates with Callie earlier.
But today they’d discussed the recent talk of same-sex marriage bans in the country and how elders like Sylvia Rivera still struggled with homelessness, after everything they’d given in life.
And finally, perhaps most shocking and appalling, was the scribbling of Brendan Teena’s name on the door of an Alliance member named Alex.
Alex had a medium build; he was of average height, quiet and rather unassuming.
Jay never saw him out at Sasha’s—or anywhere, really.
Now, he sat with his back hunched, as if ashamed this had happened to him.
Behind his red mop of untamed curls, his green eyes were red-rimmed and cast down behind his glasses.
He looked, Jay thought, as if telling everyone what happened had taken everything out of him.
Another member was resting her hand on his back, but he still appeared alone.
“I know tonight was heavy, and during these conversations it is very normal to feel hopeless. But that is all the more reason to consider attending a Pride celebration. Not only is it a manifestation of our joy, but it also is a wonderful reminder of our community and how far we have come together. This year in San Francisco I’d like to take a few of you who are hanging back over the summer.
” It went without saying that there were those who had found ways to stay because home was either not an option or the less preferred one.
There was a murmur of acknowledgement amongst the shuffling bodies as everyone stood up from where they’d been seated.
Iris moved to talk to Ms. Cece, and Michaela squeezed Jay’s hand and said, “I’ll be right back, need to chat with Kevin about something,” before walking off.
In addition to the sober mood of the room, Jay heard the sadness in Michaela’s voice before she walked away.
Saw the way her shoulders slumped slightly, now that they were reminded of the weight of the world.
Much like the way Alex’s shoulders were slumped as he remained seated, the Alliance member who was patting his back was now gone.
Jay wished she could do something to fix it for Alex, for Michaela, for her, for everyone.
She hated knowing the pain in their community.
It was a reminder to Jay that she couldn’t always just say “Fuck ‘em” when it came to how she moved through the world around her.
“That won’t be our world if I can help it,” Davis said from beside her, as if reading her thoughts. Jay turned, not having realized he’d moved to stand next to her. Davis, who was always so relaxed and effortlessly charming, had a strong and intense look on his face. Jay realized it was resolve.
“What do you mean?” Jay asked as people moved around them.
“I mean, I am going to figure out a way to make this—” Davis waved his hand around the room, “a safe space, for more people like us. We need more space.”
Jay thought about it for a moment, not only of how thankful she was for the space Davis was referring to, but about everyone who didn’t have this space. Brendan Teena had not been much older than her. What would his life have been like if he’d had an Alliance?
“The cops knew his life had been threatened after what had been done to him, and they still did nothing, because they didn’t understand him,” Iris had said sadly.
“If you ever figure out how, tag me in coach,” Jay said, with a weak smile that Davis returned. Then she added, “Besides, I owe you so many tech hours I can’t even.”
Davis shook his head, as she knew he would; the man was hell bent on making sure Jay knew she didn’t owe him.
“No, you and me working together is balancing out the fuckery. I am sorry that this has continued into the second semester, but I am not sorry at all the time we’ve logged. We work well together, I think.”
Jay’s smile widened, because that was true; they did work well together. It was a nice reminder that in a world where you couldn’t always say fuck ‘em, you could say, this one has my back. “Hey, Davis, let’s go check on Alex,” Jay said, starting to move across the room.
“Read my mind,” Davis said, falling in step with her.
“Hey Alex,” Jay said, while Davis sat in the empty seat beside Alex. Alex turned to look at Davis and then up at Jay, as if just realizing he was still in a room full of people.
“I don’t want your pity,” he murmured, miserably and without any real bite.
“I mean, you know where you are, right? What happened to you could have happened to so many of us,” Jay said evenly.
“And we aren’t here to give you pity, dude, though there is nothing wrong with accepting a hand. I was going to ask if you want me to walk you home, maybe be around. No one is on their own here.” Davis lowered his head, trying to meet Alex’s eyes, but Alex had his head turned down.
“I am, okay?” Alex said solemnly. “That’s why they wrote what they wrote, they knew—they knew no one would care.”
Jay’s stomach dropped. As if sensing it, Alex continued, “Look, I like my time, okay? I don’t really love being overly social or being with too many people at once. This,” he gestured at the room around them, “is my social quota for the week. I don’t mind being alone, I have always been alone.”
“No, no you’re not Alex, and unless you want this to turn into an after-school special, let us be here, okay?” Jay said, trying to embody her mother’s “you’re going to get my love” energy. Alex’s body tensed slightly, as if deciding something.
“And what about the next day, and the day after that?” Alex said, turning to Davis. “What are you going to do then?”
Jay watched in silence for a moment as a blush crept across Davis’ face before he steeled his expression and said, “Have your back.”