32. Michaela
MICHAELA
“I’ve been thinking since that last Alliance meeting,” Michaela had finally worked up the courage to say as she rested her head on Jay’s stomach one night.
It had been a couple of days since the particularly heavy meeting and the Alex incident.
They’d come home and finally pushed their beds together properly, frame and all, and held each other.
“Yeah, baby?” Jay said, and Michaela realized she’d gone silent again. Jay’s hands were massaging Michaela’s scalp the way that she loved, the way that soothed her and made her feel brave, a reminder she was never alone with Jay.
“We aren’t safe,” Michaela said, and it somehow was even more scary saying the words out loud.
Jay’s hands stilled for a moment before starting again to move her fingers across Michaela’s scalp. “I will do anything to keep us safe,” she said finally.
“But what if you can’t, what if we can’t be safe?” Michaela asked.
“Mickey, listen to me, I will do whatever I can, okay? But it doesn’t mean we don’t get to live.
” Jay’s voice was smooth and serious, as if she truly believed every word she was saying.
It surprised Michaela how much that confidence comforted her.
How it reminded her of the deals she had made with herself since coming to school.
“Brendan Teena, Chanelle Picket, so many more. I mean trans panic, gay panic, all of it excuses for people to kill us. Fuck, are we not allowed to live past twenty-five? Do we not get to have a full life?”
Jay’s hands slipped from Michaela’s hair and enveloped her head, holding her close to her stomach. Michaela could feel her eyes prickle with tears that sometimes felt endless.
“Mickey,” Jay’s voice was scratchy and low, as if she was also trying to fight off tears.
“I have to believe, Mickey, that you and I will be old ladies one day.
That we will have a full life. Davis said it himself, we just need more space, and I want to help him find it.
Make it, even. I have to believe it's possible, otherwise what is left?”
Michaela felt her eyes slide shut as Jay continued to hold her close.
“Mickey? You know in The Gilda Stories when there was talk of war, when Fanny and Rachel got into that fight because Rachel wanted to see the world, but Fanny thought it was too dangerous? Remember how they turned to Bird and asked her to use her wisdom to settle their argument? You remember what she said?”
Michaela felt her eyes fly open. “You read The Gilda Stories?”
Jay’s belly flexed with laughter underneath Michaela’s head. “I missed the shit out of you over break.”
Michaela couldn’t help but smile widely before finally saying, “‘Dreaming is not something to be ignored.’”
“Exactly. When I read your list of dreams, I didn’t know the context of that quote, but the world was dangerous for the girls in the beginning. And they had to carve out a life anyway. That’s like so many of us, right? That’s why I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure you can, too.”
Michaela’s heart leapt and tension dissipated inside of her.
“So tell me, Mickey, your list of dreams, beyond what you’ve written in Other Voices, what else do you want out of life?” Jay moved her hands back to Michaela’s scalp, returning to her earlier massage.
Michaela thought for a moment. There was so much she needed to figure out and explore, to learn about herself. “I mean, I wanna have a chance to learn about myself, and maybe travel? I have never left California, you know.”
“Great, traveling, what else?”
“I think I want the whole white picket fence, to get married and have kids,” Michaela said sheepishly. “I know it's super girly and not very feminist–”
“Come on, you know what Callie and Iris are always talking about, ‘Feminism is about choice,’” Jay and Michaela said that last part in unison.
“Alright then, I always thought I’d have lots of kids and shower them with love, spoil them and all that. And,” Michaela dug deeper, “I really like writing. I don’t know if it's all I want to do, but if I can use it to make a difference, I will.”
“You already are,” Jay said, “So many people love what you write about. I know you don’t like to really talk about it and I get it—but Mickey, people love your stuff. It’s real, sometimes a little brainy, like Cosmo and some stuffy intellectual magazine had a baby.”
Michaela let out a snort of laughter and turned her head to the side and pinched underneath Jay’s rib. The effect almost ejected her head from Jay’s stomach.
“Hey! Look, I’m not like you with all your books and research, okay?. I don’t know what brainy people read!” Jay said in mock indignation.
“You are brainy, just in a different way. I have no idea what you and Davis do half the time. You could be building Skynet for all I know.” They both laughed for a moment, probably harder than their exchange warranted, but the laughter for Michaela felt like it had momentarily dampened the ever-present worry, and she let it. Leaned into it.
This was one of the reasons she loved being with Jay.
Jay, who reminded her of light in the dark.
The Velvet to her Zip. Michaela didn’t have to turn to know the two Beanie Baby cats were sitting together, where Jay had placed them, on Michaela’s pillow.
Jay had gotten into the habit of placing them there when they sat like this, as if they were their real cats.
Suddenly it wasn’t just her own future she wanted to get lost in; she wanted to know Jay’s, too. Did she want cats? Were she and Davis building Skynet? Did Jay want a family?
“Do you want to get married?” Michaela asked.
“Right now? I mean, I know we’re lesbians but—” Jay let out a little huff as Michaela sat up and playfully pinched her stomach.
“I meant like, ever, we are still young, geez,” Michaela said, smiling and turning completely on her stomach so she was looking down at Jay. It was a clear night and moonlight filtered in across their makeshift bed.
Jay looked at her, her face still in shadow.
She took a hand and reached up to Michaela’s hair where her twists had all but escaped the remaining scrunchy in her hair from Jay’s scalp massage.
Michaela allowed Jay to gently remove the scrunchy and let Michaela’s hair loose.
Jay carefully arranged Michaela’s hair around her shoulders.
She had finally broken down and bought a satin cap, but she never put it on until right before they slept because she hated the thing.
Besides, she loved this move Jay did, even in moments where Jay was clearly using the time to think.
The gesture was so tender and intimate, something that always made her feel like Jay was trying to get a good look at her, really see Michaela.
Finally, Jay spoke. “Yeah, I want to,” she said. “At least I think I do? I don’t know about the whole paperwork thing, but I do want to have a life partner, if it’s the right person.”
Michaela nodded slightly, taking in her girlfriend’s response. “After you and Davis build Skynet?”
Jay burst out laughing. “I mean, a Linda Hamilton cyborg wife would be hot.” Michaela didn’t disagree. After a moment, Jay said, “I don’t know what I want to do with computers yet, but I will figure it out, I mean that is what we are here for.”
Michaela nodded. “Yeah, fair. It’s a little nerve-wracking and a little exciting,” Michaela admitted, with the realization that time seemed to be flying by. “Do you want kids?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I do, but only if I feel like I have the right person? If I did, I would love to be like my Mama, all flowy dresses on the weekends, full of movement and energy.”
Michaela smiled. She could picture Jay, soft and energized, hair tousled, yapping away at a kid.
“How many kids do you want, Mickey?” Jay asked.
“I always wanted a bunch.”
Jay smiled slightly and raised an eyebrow that Michaela could just make out. “How many is a bunch of kids?”
Michaela thought for a moment. It had just been her and her sister, and they hadn’t been close. What if she had two kids who also weren’t close? “Four,” she said eventually.
“Four? Wow, that’s a lot of kids,” Jay said, and Michaela rolled her eyes.
“You’re only saying that because you’re an only child.”
“I mean, if you get it right the first time…” Jay said and let out a laugh as Michaela dug into her ribs again.
Jay continued, “My parents wanted more kids, but it just didn’t happen.
I don’t know why, I never asked because they seemed sad about it.
It’s probably why my mother spoils me so much.
All the love she would have had for who-knows-how-many kids gets spent on me. ”
Michaela warmed to see the smile on her girlfriend’s face, a reminder of how much love Jay had grown up with. Michaela wanted that. Wanted to give her kids that same love so they could grow up and hopefully wear that same smile.
“My sister and I weren’t close. Especially not after—you know. So maybe two isn’t great, because what if they don’t get along? And then with three, there is a middle child and maybe one who always gets left out, so four seems like the best choice.”
Jay laughed at this, and Michaela laughed too.
“The thing is, I know you are serious, baby,” Jay said.
“I always wanted a big family.” Michaela shrugged.
“With you? I think it would be a blast,” Jay said, drawing her thumb across Michaela’s bottom lip, and Michaela pursed them to meet her lover’s touch with a soft kiss. “But what does this have to do with the last Alliance meeting?”
Michaela sighed. “Well, how would women like us? Lesbians can’t get married. Does that mean people like us can’t adopt? It’s not like either of us could get pregnant, and—”
Jay’s hand slipped and held her jaw firmly.
“Mickey, I will give you everything you want, okay? I will find a way. I know we haven't been together long, and there is so much we still have to figure out, about ourselves, each other, the world, but this feels right.”
“Who is the U-Hauling lesbian now?” Michaela teased.