Chapter Sixteen Jake #2
“Stupidly I took what I had and invested it all, hoping it was the break I needed. But of course, it wasn’t, and then I was left with nothing to pay the suppliers at the end of the month.
So, I sold off my furniture, rented out my house, paid off my suppliers and the bank with what I had left.
I’m still paying off the mortgage and my overdraft as the rent payments come in.
” I can’t sit still any longer and start pacing her living room.
“Please understand, I would never run from my responsibilities, and I am paying every single cent that I owe. But I don’t want to be the man who walks into a relationship with nothing to offer.
You have already lived through that and spent years struggling to get on top of your debt. I can’t do that to you again.”
Water is pooling in her eyes, and she can’t look at me as she curls into a ball on the couch.
“Say something, Ash. I need to know what you are thinking,” I plead with her.
Instead, she’s just shaking her head and continues to look down at the floor.
“I’m not telling you this now so you help me—that kind of pity would almost kill me.
I just don’t want anything between us anymore.
I asked you to trust me so that I can take care of you, and I will, but I just need time to be in a position to do that.
If you want the truth, my hesitation to be with you was never about my feelings or any fears about being hurt.
I knew you would never do that. It’s the shame I carry every day of not being able to be the man you need me to be. The man you deserve.”
Ash’s phone starts ringing on the coffee table and the moment we both see whose name is on it, I want to turn it off and throw it out the window, but I can’t.
Reaching out, she picks up the phone, and I can see her putting on the armor she needs so she can answer the call.
“Hey, Beau, what’s up.” She listens to what he’s saying and then replies, “No, it’s no problem at all.
It’s what happens in our job.” Ash stands and looks straight through me before moving to the front door where her clean set of overalls are always hanging, for just this reason.
“Yeah, you take the case at the clinic, and I’ll head out to Hannigan’s and pull the calf. ”
Undoing the straps on the top of her dress without a care in the world, she continues to undress while she talks on the phone, standing in her cream lace underwear like I am not even there.
Stepping into her overalls and pulling them up, her words cut through me.
“No, Jake won’t mind. He was just on his way home anyway.
He understands how everything in my life comes second to my job.
I made that clear from the beginning when we discussed our future.
We were on the same page.” And that’s the moment I understand how badly I’ve fucked up.
“Yep, I’ll call once I’m done and fill you in. Call me if you need help. Thanks, talk later.”
Hanging up the call and placing her phone on the hall stand, she zips up the front of her overalls, then pulls some socks on and slips her feet into her boots by the door.
Grabbing a hair tie off the table in the little bowl she keeps on the stand, she rolls her hair into one long strand then expertly winds it up into a bun on the top of her head so it’s out of the way.
“Ash.” I reach out for her.
“Don’t. Just don’t touch me right now. I need to go and save a cow and its calf, and that’s all I can think about.” She looks at me with no expression at all.
“Can I wait here for you so we can finish this?” I’ll get down on my knees and beg if I have to.
“I think you’ve said enough. Go home, Jake, leave me to be on my own for a bit.” Taking her car keys off the hook just inside the front door, she pushes the screen door open and then turns.
“I don’t care that you have nothing, Jake, I’m not that shallow. But what hurts is that you didn’t think all those times before now when we’ve talked so openly and deeply that I was worth sharing your whole life with. I just never seem to be good enough.”
Before I can even open my mouth to tell her that it’s me who’s not good enough to be with her, she pushes out the door and is gone.
By the time my feet think to move and I scurry after her, her car is already halfway down the drive, gravel spraying up, and making enough commotion to set off Herb and the rest of the barn animals.
“Sorry, guys. I’ve pissed off your mom big-time tonight.
So maybe be on your best behavior, including you, Daisy.
” I walk back inside the house and see the two rocks I had picked out of the waterfall today and given to Ash as a keepsake.
I wanted her to have something she could show our grandchildren one day and I could tell them about the day I understood how much I loved their grandmother, but she just wouldn’t let me say the words out loud.
I pick up the two smooth rocks, roll them over with my thumb, and hold their weight in my hands.
“Now I may never get the chance.” I close my eyes to stop the tears from falling.
Pulling myself together, I put the rocks down and walk out the front door, locking it behind me and knowing what I need to do now.
What I should’ve done in the first place.
Ashley
I feel like the weight on my chest is heavier than anything I’ve ever carried before, even after Jeremy left.
Pain, hurt, but more than anything, it’s the crushing disappointment.
Jake asked me to trust him, and I did, but he obviously didn’t trust me. And that’s what hurts the most.
I was glad the call from Beau came when it did last night, but it didn’t make the problem go away. I still need to face Jake and talk this through. But I’ll be damned if I let this derail me like Jeremy did.
In the back of my mind, I always knew things with Jake were too good to be true. But today, I still feel deep in my soul that I’m also not completely ready to give up on us either. We all make mistakes, and Jake’s is a total grade-A fuckup, but it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t hear him out.
Dragging myself out of bed, I manage to shower, but I can’t eat. My stomach is too churned up. I don’t even bother driving, thinking instead that a walk over to Heatherbrae will do me good. The fresh air and summer sun warming up for the day and hitting my face is what I need.
As I come across the pasture and around the side of the barn, I notice Jake’s truck isn’t in the driveway, and I can feel my emotions deflating. I had worked out in my head what I wanted to say to him, and now it feels like it was all in vain.
With a glimmer of hope, I knock on the barn door.
“Ashley, since when do you need to knock?” Chase is looking at me confused as I fight to hide my disappointment.
“Morning, just wondering if Jake is here?” My voice is a little hoarse, probably from the lack of sleep and tears during the night.
“Ummm, I thought he was with you. Didn’t he stay over last night?” Chase steps back from the doorway, waving for me to come inside.
“I had a work call, so I sent him home.” I’m trying to keep my voice light without saying too much, but he can see it in my face.
“Ashley, what happened? Should I be worried he didn’t turn up here after he left your place?” Chase grabs his phone from his back pocket.
“I don’t know, I just expected he would be here. We were in the middle of an intense discussion last night before I had to go to work, so I wanted to talk it out with him today.” My hands are shoved into the front pockets of my jeans, and I shift nervously from foot to foot.
“Hey, where the fuck are you? Ash’s here, and we are both worried.” The sound of Chase’s stern voice speaking into his phone gives me relief that Jake answered. Maybe he has just gone hiking to clear his head.
“What the hell do you mean you are almost in Sacramento? Somebody needs to tell me what the fuck is going on!” Chase’s anger is obvious, and I can feel my despair now turning to anger too.
“He’s running again,” I mumble to myself and turn to leave.
“Ashley, wait,” Chase calls after me, but I need to get out of here before I say something I can’t take back. My breathing speeds up as I stomp toward the fence between our properties. I should’ve stayed on my side from the beginning and used it to keep out the pests.
I thought I knew Jake.
But knowing every time things get hard for him that he just runs is not a trait I want in a man.
He left Sacramento because his life fell apart and he couldn’t face it, and now he’s running from me because things got difficult.
I mean, I could’ve done the same and left Abbey Falls when Jeremy deserted me the way he did.
I could’ve sold the clinic and run home to my mother, not that I would’ve wanted to be there, but it is still always an option even if we aren’t that close.
More than once, I wanted to move anywhere to get away from the endless hard work and town gossip.
But I didn’t. I dug deep and worked through it, got my life back to where I wanted it—until Jake came bowling in.
Stupidly, I was even thinking about shifting my whole life for him. I should’ve stayed true to my mantra of never living my life for a man again.
“Ashley!” I can hear Chase chasing after me, as my home comes into view.
My safe haven that Jake has now infiltrated, and I won’t ever be able to get those images of him spending time here out of my head. Most of them are naked. And they are good fucking images!
Chase grabs my arm as he tries to stop me.
“Jeez, woman, you’re fast when you are pissed.” Sucking in a few deep breaths, Chase doesn’t let go of my arm.
“What do you want, Chase? Because I’m not in the mood for any more bullshit.” Turning to face him, I yank my arm out of his grasp, and my hands are now on my hips.
“Oh, I can see it now,” he says with a smirk.
“See what?” I demand.