Chapter Nineteen Ashley
Chapter Nineteen
Ashley
Lying on a pillow that is imbued with the comforting scent of Jake should be relaxing, but it’s not anywhere near the same as the real thing. Being here alone just feels so wrong right now. I keep questioning over and over again why I let him walk away tonight.
I love Jake.
I know it and he knows it. So why didn’t I just blurt it out.
All my life all I’ve wanted is someone to fight for me.
Sitting up and looking out my bedroom window at the night sky, with my animals safe in the barn, the gravity of today really starts to hit me.
I could’ve lost all of this, including Jake.
Everything I worked so hard for, gone in an instant.
Yet something heavier is weighing on me now, and that is that Jake stood up when it counted.
He left his family to help me and then pushed me away to keep me safe, putting his own life in danger and that of his cousins too.
That has to be the ultimate sacrifice for someone you love.
He didn’t just say it tonight, he showed me the only way he knew how, in the biggest of grand gestures that will be hard to ever top.
I know what I need to do.
Picking up my phone and ignoring the time, I call Tiff and put her on speaker as I jump out of bed and start getting dressed.
“You better just be calling me because you’ve run out of condoms with Mr. Studley and you need a home delivery, otherwise I don’t want to know.” Her muffled voice comes out of the phone.
“Oh my God, you crack me up, but just for future reference we’re way past the condom stage,” I reply but with excitement in my voice now.
“Then you better not be about to fuck us, all over again. I was finally getting the best night’s sleep I’ve had in days.
The negative energy is almost gone from Abbey Falls, and you are the only one who can mess it all up again.
So you better not be punishing Jake for his male brain fart and stupidity that he has more than made up for, or are you about to do something stupid?
Because I think it’s your civil duty to make things right for the town too.
Well, not really the town, just me. Put me out of my misery and just tell me you told him you love him. ”
I can’t help but start laughing.
“Almost. But, Tiff, I need you to tell me I’m doing the right thing. You’ve seen me at my worst—”
“And at your absolute best. The last few months you have been glowing with the most beautiful red aura.” She cuts me off.
“But he hurt me so bad, can I trust he won’t do it again?” Standing still in just my panties and bra under one of Jake’s plaid shirts he left here, I ask her what I’ve been chewing over in my head for the last few hours.
“No, you can’t. Because I promise you, he’ll hurt you again, and you’ll hurt him too. But it’s how you take ownership of that and both get through that hurt together that will define your relationship. Growing and making your bond stronger. That’s what love is.”
And that’s the honesty I need to hear from my best friend. She’s not telling me it will be perfect from this day forward. Because that’s not who we are.
Is it really who any of us are in this world? The beauty of life is the perfectly imperfect inside all of us. It’s called being a human being.
I’ve had a long time to decide what I want in a man.
I want someone who will protect me enough that I can be safe to feel vulnerable with him but at the same time allow me to still be my strong stubborn self and ask for what I want in this life.
To stand up and not be afraid to tell him how I feel and know that I will hear and feel the same in return.
I want a man who’s my equal.
And that man’s Jake, who’s just finished laying his heart on the line for me.
“Thanks, Tiff. Couldn’t do this life without you. Love you,” I yell excitedly to her as I finish buttoning up the oversize shirt that hits my thighs before pulling on my jeans and cowgirl boots for the quick run across to Heatherbrae.
“Seriously! Don’t tell me that—go tell Jake that! Put that poor man out of his misery and let the universe finally rest, so I can then stop worrying and sleep too,” she screams.
“I am,” I reply with determination and pick the phone up, taking it off speaker.
“He’s the one I’ve been waiting for,” I try to say through the emotion that is now boiling up and out of me.
“He was always the one. You just had to wait until your stars aligned,” Tiff replies softly.
“Exactly.” The tears are falling now as I open the front door and step out onto the porch with a smile.
“Good night,” she says as the phone goes dead and I’m left looking out at Jake, asleep on his bedroll on the lawn in front of my house with Rosie curled up beside him. Wow, Betty wasn’t joking when she said she’d kick him out if he didn’t make things right with me.
I hurry down the steps and across the lawn toward him, and Rosie’s already lifting her head, giving a little bark to alert Jake.
“Sshh, we don’t want to wake Ash,” Jake mumbles, half asleep, as his hand reaches out to stroke her head.
“I couldn’t sleep without you,” I gulp as I reach him.
Jake sits bolt upright, now fully awake, “Ash, are you okay?” He’s fumbling with his bed roll, trying to get his body out of it and up on his feet without tripping over.
“Yes. Yes, I really am. I need to tell you this and it couldn’t wait.” It’s like my chest is about to burst with every emotion that I’ve been holding in there for weeks. I’ve been frightened to let myself truly lean in and fully open my soul to him, but I’m not afraid anymore.
Jake steps to me and takes my hands in his, holding them so softly, running his thumbs over their backs, and the calmness of him is now flowing through to me.
“I heard everything you said earlier tonight, and I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. But I want to make one thing clear. I was never upset about your situation. My hurt came from you not feeling you could trust me with your greatest worries. Because if we are going to do this, and not just a half-hearted relationship, but like a happily-ever-after thing, we need to trust one another with every part of our souls. I need to know you are all-in, Jake. That you trust me, will talk to me and tell me everything no matter how bad it is. We carry those burdens together. Do you understand what I’m trying to say? ”
The nervous excitement I had earlier has gone and instead is fully replaced with the love that I hold for this man. I finally understand what people say when they talk about that feeling in the depth of your heart that you’re right where you are meant to be in this world.
He nods at me, understanding I have more to say, and I don’t want him to interrupt me until I get it out.
“You asked me to trust you, and I do, but I need you to trust me too. Otherwise, as good as this is, it’s not going to work. I’ve been in a one-way relationship before, and I’m not prepared to do it again.”
I feel so calm, and I see Jake almost about to break down in tears.
I’m feeling that my strength and the emotion in my words are resonating with him.
I’ve grown so much in the short time I’ve known Jake, and so has he.
I’m so proud to be standing up for what I deserve, like Jake told me to that night in the woods.
That I should never accept anything less.
“So, do you trust me with your heart and your soul, Jake?” I squeeze his hands tighter now, waiting for his answer.
“From now until eternity, you have me. You are in the deepest part of my soul and have owned my whole heart from the day I met you. I trust you with it all. Because like I told you, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that, without you, there is no me.”
As he finishes, there are a few stray tears trailing down both our cheeks.
Nodding my head at him and taking in a deep breath, I step closer.
“Ask me again, Jake.” And I can hardly speak as the enormity of what is happening descends on me.
Now it’s him moving closer until there is no distance between us, his arms around me pulling me into his body, our chests touching and I look up to him with all the passion in my eyes that I need him to see.
“I love you, Ashley. Do you love me?” Jake holds his breath, waiting for my reply.
“Yes, Jake, I love you, and as much as I tried not to, I discovered it’s impossible to do anything but love you, fiercely.”
There are no more words needed, and my hands are on his cheeks, pulling him to me. Our lips collide and seal our bond.
I will remember this moment for the rest of my life.
We are finally home, together, here on Windemere.
Our safe place to be ourselves in all our crazy happiness.
I pull back from our kiss that is getting totally out of control.
“Are you ready for sex in the wild?” he asks as he looks into my eyes and I see that spark in his that was dulled the night he opened up to me is now finally back and burning bright.
“Promise me, Ashley, that no matter what happens in life from now on, when things get hard, that you will always meet me out here under these stars. Together, where we belong.”
“It’s my new favorite place to be, thanks to you.” Pulling him down to the ground, on top of his bed roll, I crawl into his lap, and it’s like my life is finally how it’s meant to be.
“When all my dreams had disappeared, you loved me back to life. I will forever be grateful you took a risk on me,” he says as he wraps me so tight to his body, where I fit against him perfectly, burying his face in my neck and taking in a deep breath.
And as he slowly lets it out his lips are on my ear, and he drags it through his teeth.
“You’re wearing your cowgirl boots and my shirt. You know what they both do to me.” He growls in my ear.
“Mhmm.” I giggle as I get to my feet. “I was counting on it.”
Taking off running for the stairs with Rosie at my heels and Jake right behind me, I’ve never felt freer.