Chapter 19 #3
“I’ve been going crazy,” I admit, and there are tears in my eyes.
“I found out where your dad lives. I guess you’d moved out already.
” I laugh stupidly. “I drove by. Multiple times. I couldn’t even knock on the door.
I’m that much of a coward. I just wanted to see you.
” I brush away the tears that fall. “Driving by like some kind of stalker.”
He pulls me into his arms, and we fall back on the bed together. “It wasn’t just you. I’d park by the studio to watch you drive in. I parked down the street from your house and slept in the car.”
Knowing Harvey had been so close by after being the one to end things and never saying a word to me, sends a jolt of anger through me.
I sit up. “Well, I don’t understand then!
Why would you do this then go and do that?
When you could have just come into my home.
I’d let you. I would have let you into my home, into my heart… I don’t understand.”
My voice starts breaking, and I hate how pathetic and desperate I sound. He knows how I feel, and he’s unmoved. He wrote me that goddamn song, says he loves me, watches my house, and wasn’t even going to say hi to me in the men’s room?!
Shame crosses his features. His voice is so soft. “I don’t want to destroy your life. I just want you to have everything you want.”
“I want you,” I shout. “You won’t destroy my life. It’s incomplete without you. What more do I have to say?”
He shakes his head, looking away from me. “You don’t understand…”
“No! I don’t!”
He just sits there. Saying nothing.
I get out of bed and grab my clothes.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Saving you the trouble of kicking me out later.” I put on my pants.
“Because I know that’s exactly what you were going to do.
” I glare. “Kick me out after fucking me, talking about love, and I’m your angel, and I don’t get anything.
I have to go home to an empty house that I’d fucking give to you.
And you’re all over that place. We were all over that place.
Every corner has a memory of you. I’m so happy for you that you don’t have to endure that here! ”
“Austin…”
“I’d do anything for you. I’d give you anything you want.
And you still can’t even look me in the eye.
” I go over to him and grab his face and make him.
“This isn’t the end of us. It’s not. However much you want to resist, it isn’t the end.
I’m yours and you’re mine. You said it. You can’t take it back.
You have ruined everybody else for me from now until the day I die because they won’t be you.
” I lick my lips. “Brad Vick came into my dressing room and kissed me.” His pupils dilate and his nostrils flare.
“Yeah, you don’t like that, do you? But you know what?
I told him no. I told him no because he’s not you.
I’d do it a million times, to millions of people, because they’re not you! ”
I turn and leave Harvey’s home, not caring if he comes after me or not.
I’ve said I what I needed to say, and I meant all of it.
This is not the end.
We belong together. There is no other way. No other outcome.
I’m his and he’s mine.
Forever.
I call Bonnie and Floyd and ask them to come to my home for dinner. Just them. Nobody else.
I get Helen to come over to set the table and make their favorite dinner and dessert.
I also request that Helen make sure there’s plenty of wine.
I figure I’m going to need almost a whole bottle just for me.
I even put one of the stones Timber gave me for courage in my pocket. I figure it can’t hurt.
We talk about how the show is going for a bit. Then when there’s a lull in the conversation, I know it’s now or never.
“I wanted to have dinner with you guys,” I say, “because I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“What is it, champ?” Floyd asks.
I look at him and at Bonnie, both of them sitting there expectantly. So patient and so kind. I don’t know if I could handle it if those patient and kind looks turned into disgust.
I chew on my bottom lip, trying to psyche myself up. “I, um…”
Floyd puts a hand on my shoulder. “Are you having financial problems, son?”
“No, not that.”
Bonnie places her hand over mine. “Is it the pills again, honey?”
“No, no.” I shake my head. “Nothing like that.” I finish my glass of wine.
I clear my throat. “I, uh, I don’t like women.
Not like… I mean, I do like women, some women, just not…
what I’m saying is I like men.” I look at them for a reaction, but their expressions haven’t changed.
“I like men in that way. A romantic way. In the way that I’m supposed to like women, but I don’t. I’m gay.”
I hold my breath. They look at me for a moment, blinking, then at each other. Bonnie leans over to grab my face and kisses my cheek. “Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy you were honest with us. I know that was hard for you say.”
“All we want for you…” Floyd says. “All we’ve ever wanted for you, is to be happy.”
“We wouldn’t stop loving you for that, honey,” Bonnie says, taking my hand in both of hers. “If that’s what you were afraid of.”
“We’ll always love you, champ.” Floyd puts a hand on my arm. “No matter what. You’re our son, and we’re very proud of you. Nothing will ever change that.”
Tears of relief stream down my face before I can stop them.
“Why are you crying, honey?” Bonnie gives me a napkin. “We’re not upset.”
“I know,” I say, sniffling. “I was worried. I didn’t know what you’d say or how you’d feel.”
“Come here, champ.” Floyd and Bonnie get up and hug me, Bonnie kissing my cheeks and brushing tears away that won’t stop.
Relief washes over me, happiness, gratitude. I don’t know sometimes if I deserve them as parents.
After I blow my nose, Bonnie says. “You got a, uh, a boyfriend? Or someone?”
I look down at the table. “No. Not right now.”
“I’m sure you’ll meet a nice young man,” Bonnie says, patting my hand. “One who makes you happy.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” Floyd says. He adjusts his glasses. “I hear, uh, the, uh, the homosexuals like to go to that Studio One? I think it is.” He looks at Bonnie for confirmation. “I hear those bartenders are, what do call them, uh, beefcakes.”
I start laughing, and they join in.
“Yeah,” I say to Floyd. “I’ve heard that too.” I look at both of them. “I love you guys. You’re the best.”
Bonnie pulls me over to kiss my cheek again. “When you do meet someone, bring them over for dinner or we can all go out. We want to see if he’s good enough for you.”
“That’s right,” Floyd says. “See that he makes you happy.”
I wanted to bring them Harvey. I don’t know how they’d react to him, knowing about all our past brawls.
“Thanks,” I say, more tears of relief and happiness threatening to fall. “I will.”
Floyd pats my hand. “We look forward to it.”
When I park my car in the lot the next morning, I see Clarence in my rearview, coming down the stairs with a big box. The bottom falls out, and stuff scatters all over the steps. He swears and kicks it, and it tumbles down to the bottom.
I rush over to help. “Hey, going on another fun errand?”
I was trying to make a joke, but when he glances at me his eyes are red-rimmed behind those thick glasses. “Eighteen years! I gave that shithead eighteen years!”
I pause with a handful of ink pens. “What?”
He shakes his head. “I bought all the anniversary gifts. The birthdays. You know he hasn’t picked out a birthday gift for his daughter since she was born?
It’s all been me!” He pushes his glasses up his nose, then kneels to pick up the box.
“Waking me up at two in the morning because his back is bothering him, and he can’t be bothered to write his own letters.
I ought to have put rat poison in his pills if I known he’d do this to me. ”
“What are you talking about?”
“Phil fired me. I’ve been that bastard’s assistant for eighteen years.” He tries to reseal the bottom of the box. “Eighteen years of my life.”
“Holy shit. I’m sorry, Clarence. Did he say why?”
“He said it was the network.” Clarence gets the box situated and starts putting stuff back in it. “Budget cuts. But you tell me why I’m the only one walking out of here.”
“Maybe he was just in a bad mood, and he’ll change his mind.”
“That whole man’s life is bad mood.” Clarence picks up the box and fishes around in his pockets for his keys.
“It’s all right. I’ve got myself a little nest egg.
I think I’ll go to Bermuda. Get myself a mail-order bride.
Those Soviet ladies are chomping at the bit to come over here. At least someone would appreciate me.”
“You want me to talk to Phil? He can’t just let you go like this after that many years.”
Clarence narrows his eyes at me. “You know something? I like you. Some of those people in there treated me like I was invisible, but not you. I signed an NDA, but Phil’s going to need a lot of luck finding me, so I might as well tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
“Phil threatened Harvey Laden so he’d stay away from you.”
Ice trickles down my spine. “What?”
“Phil told Harvey if he continued to see you, he’d fire you. Then he bribed him with a bunch of money. Phil had one of his buddies in the police department follow you around. He knew about Harvey’s little sister. That’s how he got to him.”
My head is spinning. “Why would he do that?”
“Because Phil gets what he wants no matter what. And he was sore you didn’t listen to him. I told you. He hates Pete and Harvey.”
My blood is boiling. It must show on my face, because Clarence takes a step back. “Don’t make me regret telling you.”
“Is Phil in his office?”
“You should probably cool off first. You don’t want to go in there like this. You don’t know what he’s liable to do. If he can toss me away after eighteen years, he could do it to you too.”
“Like hell he will.” I walk away from Clarence and storm into the studio. I knock against people’s shoulders and don’t answer greetings as I make my way to Phil’s office.
“Hi,” Brad says, passing by me, then he does a double take. “What’s wrong?” He follows along beside me. “You look like you’re gonna kill someone.”
“I just might.”
“Wait. What?” He grabs my shoulder, stopping me and turning me toward him. “What’s going on?”
I look around the hallway. Crew and stagehands moving past, giving us curious glances.
“Let’s go to my dressing room,” he says.
I reluctantly follow along. We go inside and he shuts the door.
“Need a smoke?” He gets a pack of cigarettes and offers me one.
I take it and the light he offers me. My hands shake as I take a couple of drags. I get a rush of nicotine, making me feel dizzy.
Brad sits on his dressing table. “Feel better?”
“Not really.”
He waits patiently while I pace back and forth, smoking. “I can’t believe he’d fucking do this to me. To anyone.”
“Do what?”
“Phil threatened Harvey. Made him stop seeing me or else he’d fire me from the show.”
Brad blinks at me. “He what?”
“I was coming in and Clarence was leaving. Phil fired him. So Clarence told me all about it. He said Phil threatened to fire me if Harvey didn’t stop seeing me and bribed him with a bunch of money.”
Brad pulls back, stunned. “Wait. What? A bribe?”
I stop pacing for a moment. “He knew. Phil knew about us. Had someone following me.”
“Why in the hell would he do that to you?”
I put the cigarette out. “Our contracts. There’s a part in there about maintaining the integrity of the show, and how it’s up to the producer to determine what that is.
” Brad still looks confused. “Phil talked to me about Harvey before. It was after our last fight. When Phil called me up about the role. He was talking shit about him, and at the time I didn’t care because that was before… well.”
“So, Phil didn’t care that you were out with a man,” Brad says slowly. “Just that the man was Harvey Laden?”
I glance at him. “Pete Laden fucked his first wife. He hates Pete, and I guess in turn Harvey because he’s Pete’s son.”
As I calm a little—just a little—millions of pieces start to snap in place.
Harvey wasn’t trying to hurt me. He wasn’t just done with me.
He was trying to protect me. My rage is suspended for a moment.
That’s where he got the money to buy his home.
That’s what he meant by wanting me to be happy, not destroying my life, and if Phil used Sunny against him…
But why didn’t he just tell me? Phil must have said something else, some other kind of threat so he’d keep his mouth shut and stay away from me. That dirty fucking bastard.
Brad shakes his head. “Does Phil think this is the USSR?”
My fists clench and I’m angry all over again. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“No,” Brad says, getting between me and the door. “You need to do something worse.”
“Worse than slitting his throat?”
“He cares about the show’s integrity so much? Well, what would he do if both his stars quit?”
“What do you mean?”
“If the both of us leave the show, it would be a disaster for him. Production would have to come to a halt, sponsors would pull out, and the network would be pissed. Plus I’m pretty sure the bribery stuff is illegal.”
I stare at him for moment. “You’d quit? Over this?”
“If he’d do it to you, he’d do it to me. He’d do it to any of us.” He smiles faintly. “And friends always stick together.”
I stare at him. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say let’s go give the old bastard hell.”
We both go to his office, walk right past the protests of this secretary, and walk right in the door. He’s got the phone up to his ear, looking at us surprised.
I lean over his desk and growl, “I know what you did.”
“Uh, Harry, I’ll have to call you back.” Phil hangs up. He glances at Brad. “What are you two doing in here?”
“We’re quitting the show,” I answer. “We’re going to walk right now.”
Phil looks from me to Brad.
“And don’t fucking say you don’t understand, because you do,” I say.
“We want that addendum removed from the contract,” Brad says.
Phil slowly stands up. “Listen, fellas. We can talk about this another time.” He stares at me. “When you’ve had a chance to calm down.”
I shake my head. “No. Now. And I’m going to call the DA’s office. For the bribery.”
A look comes over Phil’s face, cold and detached. He sits back down. “Both of you get back on the set. We’re done here.”
“Damn right we are.” I turn and walk out with Brad behind me.
“What are you going to do now?” he says.
“I’m leaving. I’m getting my shit and walking right out that door.”
“Then so am I,” Brad says.
We both walk past open mouths and wide eyes as we leave the studio behind.