Jake
Iarrive at Entourage, our local bar and favorite hang out spot, feeling both excited and nervous about tonight.
It’s not too far from the arena, given how small of a town Winter Hills is.
We’re technically considered to be in the Orlando area, closer to Deltona since we’re right on the water.
We definitely have more of a small town vibe here since we’re more off the coast, the biggest attractions being the Hockey and Football teams.
This is our first official hang out as a team to celebrate the end of preseason, and I’m ready to get to know the guys on the team outside of the arena. I’m putting myself out there and waiting to see what happens, hoping I don’t get too overwhelmed.
If that wasn’t enough, the new staff was also invited, meaning Kailyn and Emilia are going to be here tonight.
As soon as I left the arena, I raced home as fast as I could before my panic attack settled in.
It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe.
My body felt like it was on autopilot, going through the motions of driving and then walking through my front door.
Once I was able to get inside, I beelined it to my bedroom, crawling under the covers and shrouding myself in darkness.
One of the techniques I learned early on in therapy was about centering myself.
She told me when the anxiety feels overwhelming to find a safe space away from the noise and to just focus on breathing.
For me, I’ve also found that blocking out my surroundings helps me focus, because I’m not distracted by the movement around me.
The quiet buzz of my A.C. helps me sometimes to focus on something other than my racing thoughts, and my breaths will start to even out once my mind has calmed a bit.
Today’s anxiety attack is probably one of the worst I’ve had in almost ten years. A wave of memories overtook me at the sight of Kailyn, and I’m brought back to the night she shattered my heart.
“So that’s it, you’re just going to leave and forget everything that we’ve shared these last two years?” My voice cracks, desperation lining my tone.
The girl that I’ve been in love with since the moment she said yes to being mine looks at me like I’m a stranger, like I’m not her entire world like she is mine.
“It’s what’s best for us, Jake. I’m sure you’ll eventually see that.”
She left without looking back, even after everything we shared together, including those stolen moments, the “'I love you’s,” and the future I thought we planned together.
I went home that night and cried my heart out.
My anxiety was so bad, and the one person who I wanted to hold me, talk to me, and make me feel better was the source of all of my pain.
My dad was the one who ended up finding me sobbing in my bed that night. He got me up, helped me shower, and then we lay in his bed all night as I told him everything. He was the first and only person I ever told about us, and when I thought he’d be disappointed in me, he wasn’t.
“Son, I knew from the day you two met that there was a deeper connection between you,” he’d said. “She’s always looked at you like you hung the stars, and you looked at her like there was no other woman in the room.”
“She is the only one. But I guess it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”
“My sweet boy. I’ve known that girl for a long time, and while you might not want to hear this right now, you will one day.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that she loves you with everything she has.
She must have her reasons for leaving the way she did, and while you might not agree with or understand them, they make sense to her.
Just give her some space for now and then try talking to her. ”
“But what if I try and she hurts me again?” I asked.
“You’ll never know until you try. Take it from your old man, maybe she’s the right girl, but the timing was wrong,” he’d said.
“You two have been through so much together, I don’t think she’d throw it all away for nothing.
Just keep trying. And if she’s not ready to tell you, just be ready when she is. ”
He told me not to give up on her. In that moment, right after she ripped my heart out, the only thing I could think of doing was washing away the pain, and in turn I ended up giving up on her like she did with me.
It wasn’t until I got into therapy and really opened up about how I was feeling that his words registered with me. From then, I allowed a small part of myself to hold onto the hope that one day she might come back and I’d finally learn the truth about everything.
Maybe all it takes is one intervention from the universe to set things straight.
I had to force my body to get out of bed and get dressed, because I knew that showing up tonight was important for not only me, but the team as well.
That doesn’t stop the nerves swirling in the pit of my stomach as I sit in the parking lot.
After a few deep breaths to settle my nerves the best I can, I turn off the ignition of my truck and hop out, striding over to the VIP entrance, where I flash my wristband, courtesy of our PR department, and continue my way inside, weaving through the crowd of people.
When you walk in, you notice there’s no big dance floor or DJ set up.
Instead, it’s an upscale bar, owned by the Davis family, with booths and tables, surrounded by a large bar on the bottom floor.
Their family has lived in Winter Hills for generations, and they’re a big deal in the world of football, with their son currently playing in the NFL and their dad a head coach.
It definitely helps make this place feel a little more like home when the owner understands sports and comfort.
As I make my way further into the building, I pass by a few people smiling and waving at them in politeness. One guy wearing a Blaze T-shirt raises his beer. “You feeling ready for this season?”
“Feeling good about this new team. Can’t wait to hit the ice next week.”
I continue up the stairs, their cheers reminding me of how much I love our fans and the people of this town.
Once I clear the top step and pass by the bouncer, I step into the lounge area and I’m greeted by my teammates, all laughing and joking around with each other. As I step closer, Beckett is the first one to see me.
“Look who finally decided to show up! I didn’t think you were gonna show that handsome face of yours, Jakey Poo,” Beckett teases from where he’s sitting.
“You act as if I’m late compared to the twins, who I don’t see here. And you know I hate that nickname, jackass,” I roll my eyes as I clap his shoulder in greeting.
“Exactly why I still use it.”
Once I’m sitting, I turn to Connor, give him a handshake in greeting.
“Hey, Jake, glad you decided to join us tonight.”
“Hey, old man, surprised to see you out,” I tease.
He just rolls his eyes as we all gather around and wait for the rest of the group to arrive. “I may be old, but I can still hang out with the best of you younglings. Lord knows I’d rather be home with my family, instead of sitting here with you dumbasses.”
Connor is a big family man, and everyone on the team knows it. He proposed to his wife the night he was drafted, and they’ve been married ever since. They have two beautiful daughters who are an absolute joy to have around the arena.
“Who says younglings anymore?” Maddox asks from his spot on the far end of the couch.
“Our very own captain, of course. He just loves to make us all feel young and vibrant, right, Cap? Get used to it, rookie, because there’s plenty more to come,” Becks exclaims, laughing with some of the other guys.
Connor just rolls his eyes and then gets quiet all of a sudden.
He looks down into his beer, and I can tell by the slight twitch of his lip that something is eating at him.
“Hey, you okay?” I ask in a hushed tone.
I’m not sure if the guys picked up on it like I did since they’re still laughing, so I lower my voice in order to not draw attention.
He’s saved from answering me when Violet, our usual waitress when we come, walks over to our group. “Hey, Jake. It’s been a minute since I’ve seen you around.”
“Yeah, finally decided to hang out with these losers,” I tease, as I look over and see Beckett scoff across from me.
“Excuse me! I take full offense to that,” he proclaims, clutching his chest in mock horror.
I roll my eyes at him before turning back to Violet.
“What can I get you sweetie? The usual?”
“Actually, can I do a club soda and a lime tonight please?” While I can normally handle one or two beers before cutting myself off, tonight I want a completely sober head for what might happen.
“You got it.” She winks before walking over to the bar set up on this floor.
Turning back to Connor, I tilt my head, reminding him about my previous question. He looks at me with a sheepish expression and opens his mouth, but before he can answer, the guy's cheers interrupt us yet again.
“Look who’s finally here. I know we ribbed Jake over there for being late, but leave it to the twins to always be fashionably late,” Beckett teases.
“If it wasn’t for the darling princess taking her sweet time getting ready, we’d have been here a while ago.” Brayden rolls his eyes.
“Oh, please, you spent more time flexing in the mirror than I did doing my hair and makeup. If anything, you’re the reason we’re late, as usual,” Kailyn throws back.
That voice—her soft, warm tone that soothed me to sleep so many times when I had too much on my mind. The voice I hear when I want to be reminded of how good things were before they changed.
I hear Kailyn’s voice everywhere, and in everything.
Sometimes I find myself looking at old pictures of us and screaming till my lungs give out. Going to the rink on my off days and skating until I can’t feel or think about how angry and heartbroken I still am.
I know it’s not healthy, trust me; that was a fun couple of sessions with my therapist to unpack. But it’s the only way I still feel connected to her, the only piece of her that she left me, and I want to hold on to that for as long as I can.
I turn toward the stairs, and my heart instantly stops. She’s standing there with her brothers and Emilia, but Kailyn is the only one I see.
Her long brown hair is in loose curls going down her back, half pulled up by a clip.
Her makeup looks simple, like she doesn’t even have any on.
She’s wearing a long, dark-green dress with loose sleeves and a fit that hugs her hips and ass like a dream.
The dress has a V-line neck that shapes and displays her breasts perfectly.
Her face and her smile are still the same as I remember them all those years ago, but it’s her body that’s changed.
She’s always been a bigger girl, and that was something extra that I loved about her, because it meant there was more of her for me to hold onto.
Her curves are more defined, her shape creating more of an hourglass figure as it accentuates her waist and her chest.
Just then, Violet walks over and hands me my drink, smiling at me as I thank her.
I take a large sip of my drink, turning my body as I try to discreetly adjust the tent that’s forming in my pants at the sight of Kailyn.
Everyone else is distracted, but Connor looks at me out of the corner of his eye with a knowing smirk.
I try to deflect, but he leans over and whispers in my ear.
“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. ” He winks at me.
Heat rushes to my cheeks. He chuckles at me and then ushers me to stand so we can greet them.
I don’t want to look like more of an ass than I already am for the inappropriate thoughts I’m having about her, especially in front of her brothers, so I walk over to greet everyone.
We all do the normal handshake and back slaps as I lean over and greet everyone.
As the group moves farther into the VIP area, I realize I still haven’t actually talked to Kailyn.
She’s finally looking up at me, her hazel eyes sparkling under the dingy bar lights.
She has such a softness to her, and all I want to do is drop to my knees and worship her.
But I also want to drag her out of this club and beg for answers that, even after all these years, I’m sort of afraid to hear.
My dad’s words swirl in my head as a reminder.
“She must have her reasons for leaving the way she did.”
Even though I know his words make sense, it doesn’t stop the irrational anger that’s building in the pit of my chest. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her since she’s been back, so it doesn’t make sense to be this angry, but as she stands in front of me, looking more beautiful than I’ve ever seen her, something inside me shifts.
All day, she’s been acting as if I don’t affect her and that there’s nothing between us, when that time we shared meant everything to me.
As much as I said I wasn’t angry with her, the way she’s standing in front of me is bringing long buried anger and resentment to the surface.
“Hi, Jake,” she says. Her shoulders stiffen and her eyes crinkle as she looks down to the left, and with an exhale of a breath, I know she’s psyching herself up to say something important to me.
I feel like my body is on fire, the anxiety from earlier stirring up yet again mixed with this deep rooted anger that makes my skin crawl in the worst kind of way.
Taking a couple deep breaths in, I replay my dads words, hoping that they’ll help center me as I speak the first words to Kailyn in almost ten years.