Kailyn
He’s always spoken to me like I’m his favorite person, and now I feel like I’m public enemy number one.
“Jake.” I pause, unsure what to say in this moment.
Part of me knew that this might be his reaction, that he might be holding on to his anger after everything, but I had hoped that maybe he didn’t hate me.
I can’t even blame him for it, because I also hate myself for what I did to him.
Tension fills the room between us, and I’m not sure what the right move here is.
“Jake, I’m sorry. I—”
He cuts me off abruptly. “No.” His eyes are not showing anything other than anger and hurt.
“You don’t get to come back after all this time, and act like you didn’t ruin us.
You pushed me away, ripped my heart out and then flew across the country as if everything we shared meant nothing to you.
Hell, you couldn’t even look me in the eyes this morning, and I think that hurts more than anything else could. ”
He’s pissed, and rightfully so, but how dare he blame me for hurting him when he’s the one that tore us apart in the first place.
“I only pushed you away because you broke my heart first,” I seethe in a hushed whisper, knowing that we’re still in public.
He takes a step back, his eyes widening in confusion.
Does he really not remember what he did? What he said?
“What are you talking about, Kailyn?”
“Don’t act innocent, Jake. I know what you said about me behind my back.”
Before he has the chance to say anything else, Emilia comes walking over to my side, lacing her arm in mine. “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if I could borrow Kailyn for a second?”
Needing an out before I say something I’ll for sure regret, I nod my head, turning away as she leads me by the arm towards the hallway of the bathrooms.
Tears prickle at the backs of my eyes as I fight to remain calm. Jake really just stood in front of me and tried to act as if he didn’t play a part in our breakup.
“Hey, are you okay, Kailyn?” she asks, concern lacing throughout her voice.
“No, honestly, I’m ready to go home. Tonight already sucks and I kinda wish I hadn’t come in the first place,” I admit. My eyes go wide as I realize how much I just shared with a stranger.
She smiles at me, grabbing both my hands in hers and lacing our fingers. “I don’t know you or your story, but it looks like you could use a friend right now.”
Her words hit me like a sucker punch.
“I really could.” She doesn’t rush me or push for more. We just sit in silence while she gives me the space to breathe and gather myself. That alone is probably what has me spilling my guts out.
“Jake and I used to date in high school,” I start, and the weight that I’ve carried starts to lighten.
Her eyes widen slightly, but she keeps quiet.
“I fell in love with him the moment I met him. He always saw the real me, not just his best friends’ little sister.
Like my size didn’t matter, and even though I have curvy hips and a rounder stomach, I was still the most beautiful woman to him.
” I pause as I feel the weight of that statement hit my heart.
For my entire life, I’ve only ever been looked at for my last name.
A way for people to get an in with two of the best hockey players and hottest guys in school.
I was never seen for my beauty or my brains—or just for me.
I was constantly compared to other girls because I was too chubby to fit in or too weird to hang out with.
But Jake saw me for who I am. He loved me as I was.
He never tried to change me or make me something I wasn’t.
Or at least that’s how he used to make me feel.
“I’ve struggled to make friends my entire life.
Guys used me to get to my family, always stringing me along, playing with my emotions, and humiliating me when I found out they didn’t actually want me.
Girls ridiculed me for my weight and my looks, preying on all of my insecurities because they hated who I was.
I learned to blend into the background, keep my head down, and focus on my goals.
Jake was the only man to ever make me feel seen, beautiful, and happy, until he broke me. ”
Tears start to pour down my face, but I don’t stop them.
Emilia stays quiet, squeezing my hands every so often to let me know she’s listening, and that means more to me than anything she could say right now.
I’ve never told anyone the full truth about what I heard, because I was too broken to function.
My heart had been torn into a million pieces, my trust irrevocably broken over one comment made by someone I thought held my heart in their hands.
Emilia pulls me in for a hug that I melt into with everything in me. The last person to hug me, besides one of my family members, was Bellamy, and that was three months ago when she came to visit me.
Before that…I couldn’t tell anybody the last time I was hugged by someone else.
I crave intimacy like this. I loved the sexual intimacy that Jake and I had, but more than that, it was the closeness that we shared.
When he would hug me to his chest without a reason other than to feel me close to him.
When he would let me cuddle up to him and rest my head on his chest, synching my breaths to his calming heart beat.
I haven’t had that feeling in a very long time.
“Without knowing you, it sounds to me like you made a decision you thought was best in that moment. Given what you knew, you wanted to protect yourself.”
“But now I think that I made a mistake.”
“Why?” She pulls me back, so she can look me in the eyes.
“Maybe I should’ve talked to him instead of walking away. I let my traumas and insecurities cloud my trust in him, and I’ve regretted it ever since.”
“You’re here now, trying to create a life that will make you happy, right?”
I nod, because that’s exactly what I’m looking to do.
“Look, I’ve known him for about four years now, and in that time, I’ve never seen him with any woman.
When relationships are brought up, I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I can also see the small glimpses of hope in them when your name is mentioned.
I can only assume it’s because he’s thinking about you.
Just keep trying. Keep showing up and hopefully you can both get the answers you're looking for.”
She smiles at me as I wipe my damp cheeks, taking in what she’s saying.
This entire time, I’ve beaten myself up for my mistakes and wallowed in pity.
But she’s right. In all that time, I’ve forgotten to give myself a little bit of grace, and remind myself that I was only seventeen.
I was just a kid, making decisions based on fear and hurt.
I’ve grown a lot since then, thanks to therapy, and learned from my mistakes.
While I have a lot of growing and learning to do still, I need to give myself credit for trying now.
“Thanks, Emilia. I didn’t know how much I needed this until now.”
“That’s what friends are for. Or, at least, I hope we’re friends after you left snot all over the neckline of my dress,” she teases, and I look down to see a giant wet spot on the neckline of her dark red dress.
I burst into laughter, and it honestly feels so good to genuinely laugh like this.
“Yeah, we can definitely be friends.”
“Good. Because like it or not, we’re in this together. And thank you for sharing all of that with me. I know it must’ve taken a lot, so I’m glad you felt like you could.”
“It feels easy to talk to you. Like we’ve been friends our entire lives.” Talking to her has lifted a small weight off of my chest, making me feel a bit lighter. I’m still bogged down with so many emotions, but talking with Emilia feels like talking to Lainey or Bellamy..
“I was thinking the same thing.”
I wipe my cheeks off and we continue to talk as Brayden and Beckett walk over.
Beckett throws his arm over my shoulder and winks at me and then Emilia. “What’s going on over here, ladies? Let me guess, you’re talking about how handsome and irresistible I am.”
I make eye contact with Emilia and we burst into laughter that has me clutching my stomach from how much it’s shaking.
“In your dreams, Becks. First of all, I know too much about you to ever date you. Second,” Emilia says as she pulls my arm and drags me toward her. She wraps her arm around my waist and puts her head on mine, smiling at the boys. “This one here is mine. So run along.”
She smacks a kiss on my cheek, and I lean into her, soaking up her hug for as long as she’ll let me.
“Don’t ruin my fantasies, Em. It was just getting good,” Beckett teases, and we all laugh. “Anyway, we came to ask if you ladies wanted to join us for some dancing downstairs.”
Emilia looks at me, still wrapped in her hug, and smiles. I nod my head, and let myself be led to the dance floor.
I might feel a little bit lighter after talking to her, but there are still so many emotions and questions to sort through.