Kailyn
The weekend rolled by faster than I anticipated.
My family helped me move all of my things into my new apartment, and of course, that was a fun time.
My mom took charge right away, delegating tasks to everyone. My sister and I went through all of my personal items while the boys were tasked to bring in all the boxes, which wasn’t much, honestly.
The apartment was fully furnished and I didn’t have anything except my clothes, toiletries, and massive book collection. It didn’t take too long to bring everything up, but I left some stuff still in boxes that I’ll get to when I have the chance after work.
As I walk into my new office at work, I take in everything around me, from the medium sized desk on the back wall, a computer monitor and keyboard and some chairs opposite the desk.
It’s a bit bare, but it still makes me smile to see an office that has my name on the door, even if it’s only on a temporary placard.
It reminds me that I’m on probation this season, having to earn my spot or be let go and start over with a new team. Despite that, I still want this office to feel like mine in some small way, like maybe adding some pictures or plants to liven up the space.
It also makes me more determined to earn my place with the Blaze and see a permanent placard with my name on the door.
A knock on my door has me swinging my head to see who’s looking for me, and I’m greeted with the lovely sight of Emilia holding two drinks in her hand.
“Happy Monday.” She sings in a cheery voice that has me rolling my eyes and suppressing a smile.
“It’s too early to be this chipper, girl. I know it's eight a.m., but in less than an hour, I'm gonna have over fifty guys in and out of the Physical Therapy room, and I already know it’ll be a long day.”
“Exactly why I brought you some iced chai. It’s nothing fancy, but I ran into Brandon in the hall and he mentioned you don’t really drink coffee and he said this was your favorite. So I stopped by the cart in the lobby and got you this.”
She hands me the cup, and I’m so grateful that she’s here with me.
I’m a sucker for a good chai any day, though. Add some lavender or caramel, and I’m in heaven.
Brandon knows me so well. With my PMOS, caffeine tends to make my symptoms worse, so I try to cut it out as much as possible. Not everyone with it struggles the same, but my body just doesn’t tolerate caffeine very well. It makes my stomach turn in knots and my cycles become even more unbearable.
Funny enough, while chai typically has caffeine in it, it tends not to affect me as much because it’s derived from black tea leaves instead of coffee beans.
That’s what dealing with PMOS every day is like for me, being able to have certain things but not others, then having to switch it up one day because your body won’t tolerate it anymore. Needless to say, every day is a struggle when it comes to food and what I put into my body.
I take the first sip and moan in happiness at the refreshing pick-me-up.
“You are my new favorite person here. Brandon’s right. I tend to stay away from caffeine if I can help it.”
She laughs at that and takes a sip of her drink. “Well then, that’s one thing we don’t have in common. Coffee is my kryptonite. If I haven’t had my morning cup, I’m a monster.”
“You sound like my best friend Bellamy. I swear that girl runs on caffeine.”
“Sounds like my kinda girl.”
“I think you two would get along really well. And thank you for this. How much do I owe you?”
She shrugs me off. “Don’t worry about it. My treat.” She takes another sip of her own drink and smiles at me.
“No, no, I owe you for the other night.”
“Hey, I’m just glad to actually have a friendly face around here.
Female friendships can be complicated and hard to come by for me.
Society makes it feel like women have to compete with each other just to see who’s better, and don’t even get me started when a man gets involved.
” She rolls her eyes and we both start to giggle.
I could get used to this.
I like who I’m becoming.
Therapy has helped me find myself after everything blew up, and taught me to start loving myself. While I still have days where I struggle to love who I am, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and hope that each move I make is the right one.
“The moment I saw you walk into the locker room on Friday, your vibe screamed good things to me. You seem like such a sweet person, and honestly, I don’t really have a lot of girlfriends either.
Being the coach’s daughter kinda sucks when all the girls you think like you are only using you for their own gain. ” She stares at me pointedly.
Knowing that after our conversation at the bar, I get exactly what she means.
“You’re gorgeous and with an ass like yours, I’m almost convinced to play for the other team.” She smiles at me, and that statement alone melts my walls just a little.
“Thanks, Em. It means a lot for you to say that. My body weight and size has been one of my biggest insecurities my whole life, and I’m still working through it, but I’m glad that I have you here with me.” I reach out my hand and she takes it, threading her fingers in mine and squeezing.
“I feel the same way. Now, I need the real scoop. How are you feeling about today?” I know what she’s really asking, but I'm grateful she’s giving me the room to answer on my own terms.
“As ready as I can be. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to do physical evaluations on a team, but somehow, it feels different here.”
She side-eyes me like she knows I’m deflecting, but thankfully, she lets it slide for now.
“I bet, since you’re in a new environment and surrounded by people that you have history with.”
“If you mean my brothers, that’s not going to be the hard part. But if you’re talking about a certain someone, it definitely complicates things a lot.”
We sit in silence as I let that reality sink in. After the disaster that Friday night was, I’m not sure what to expect when Jake walks through that door.
All I can hope for is a chance for us to talk without anger clouding our judgement.
It’s obvious that we have a lot we both want to say, and if we’re going to be working together or exist in the same circle, I think it’s time we both got to say our peace.
A huge part of me is holding out hope that maybe somewhere under the anger and resentment, he still loves me just as much as I still love him.
During my years away, I did a lot of reflecting on my life, specifically my breakup with Jake and every emotion after.
It was a lot to unpack, with some good days and some bad, but I’m grateful for the reflection.
Once I unpacked all of my traumas and insecurities, I realized that I rushed into our breakup and moving to L.A.
There’s no doubt he said what he said that night, but up until then, Jake had always made me feel like I was the center of his world.
He never gave any indication that he wasn’t as in love with him as I was.
Instead of talking to him, instead of having a rational conversation and hearing him out, I pushed him away and left, because it was easier to leave first then face my worst fears.
But in my rush to protect myself, did I just end up hurting both of us more, or was I right to leave when I did?
“Well, I have to get to my meetings. I wanted to wish you good luck today and just remind you that it’s okay to be scared. Just keep showing up and keep trying. You are stronger than you think. And maybe he’ll surprise you.”
She hugs me tightly before letting me go, walking to the door and making her way to her meeting.
I gather my things from my desk and take a few calming breaths before I walk out of my office and make my way to the PT room.
I know theoretically what the job of an athletic trainer entails, as things change from team to team.
That doesn’t mean I’m not still nervous, like it’s the first day of school all over again.
As I make my way down the hall, I come across a man standing at the end of the hall near Dr. Sanders’ room. Other than Emilia, I haven’t gotten to know anyone else here, so I decide to introduce myself to him, hoping he’s one of my coworkers.
“Hi, I’m Kailyn. It’s nice to meet you.” I extend my hand in greeting and watch as he looks me up and down, as if both checking me out and assessing me. His eyes darken into an almost black color, and it makes my skin itch in a way I’ve never felt before.
I’m used to people looking at me because of my size, either because they think I owe them something or in disgust. Men have done this to me my entire life, especially during my internship years.
I should be used to this behavior, but something about the way he peruses my body as if he has no shame in his actions makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention.
He pushes off the wall, closing the distance and sliding into my space a little too close for comfort. “I’m Eric,” he says in a sultry voice, his hand reaching for mine in return.
He’s classically handsome in the way most men are, with dark blonde hair that's short on the sides and longer on the tops and a smile that reveals a dimple on his left cheek.
I’m not really sure how to describe the feeling, but the second his hand touches mine, I instantly want to pull away from him. Something in my gut is telling me this man is trouble. It could be just my past experiences with men playing a trick on me or it could be my nerves at meeting someone new.
Or maybe I should listen to my gut?
“Are you going to be working with Dr. Sanders and I?” I ask, stepping back slightly from him to gain more personal space.
He shakes his head, leaning on the wall in a casual manner. “No, I was just leaving his office, actually. I have a few important things to take care of today.”