Kailyn #2
I guess he was just being kind. Maybe I should go before he gets back and save myself from further humiliation.
A noise from the bathroom startles me, and it’s then I notice the light under the closed door.
It opens a moment later, revealing Jake, who’s shirtless and towel-drying his hair.
He steps out of the bathroom and walks over to his luggage, tossing the towel on the chair and rifling through his bag.
He grabs his white button-up and turns around, coming face to face with me.
He lies it down on the edge of the bed and walks back over to the side he left abandoned, sliding in over the covers and facing me.
My heart calms, and the sadness dissipates at the sight of him.
“Hey, you’re awake.” His voice is gentle and soft.
He reaches over and swipes the loose strands of hair from my forehead, tucking it behind my ear. He leaves his hand there for just a moment before he lets it fall to the bed in front of him.
“Yeah, I just woke up.” My voice thick with sleep, I look down at my hands that are drowning in the sleeves of his sweater.
“Do you remember what happened?”
“I remember.”
My mind is in a fog, but I know I’m tired of this self-pitying I’ve been doing. I already made my choices, and I need to accept them and grow from them. Repeating this cycle is only going to drown me further.
But when you’ve spent so much time thinking one way, it’s hard to break those bad habits.
By him bringing me up here, it’s a sign of trust on his end.
He saw the panic on my face, and chose to be there for me, laying all his cards out on the table and showing how committed he is to us, and I have to do the same thing.
I can’t keep hiding behind those insecurities anymore.
I’ve done too much work on growing myself to start taking steps backwards.
Emilia’s words from earlier play back in my mind. Maybe she’s right that taking it slow isn’t the right move, not when there are so many emotions and so much history between us.
“Where’s your roommate?” I shift topics, giving myself a second to breathe in this moment between us.
“Connor’s wife and kids came for the game, so he’s been with them all day.” He smiles softly, his thumb still gently moving back and forth against my hand.
I can’t help but to let my eyes drift down from his face to his chest, his pecs glistening with water droplets that are still clinging to him from the shower.
He’s always been fit, but he’s only gotten stronger and more defined over the years.
I can’t help the way my gaze lingers on his broad, muscular chest, and the abs I used to run my hands over when he would sit me in his lap, still as toned as ever.
His hand comes up to my chin, tilting my head up so I’m making eye contact with him again. “My eyes are up here.”
He chuckles a light laugh as I blush profusely at his statement.
“I know,” I tease, feeling just a bit bolder with him.
His smile is bright and carefree for the first time since I came back into his life.
We sit like that for a few seconds, nothing verbally said between us, but everything communicated with our eyes.
After a few more moments, he lets go of my chin and gets up from the bed, walking over to where he left his shirt and starts to get dressed once again, struggling to get the buttons done on his shirt.
I get up from the bed and walk over to him, placing my hands on his and gently moving them out of the way. “Here, let me help.”
He doesn’t protest as I undo what he’s done and start over, taking my time on each button.
I let myself sit in this moment, basking in the comfort and familiarity it brings.
He used to always have a hard time with his game-day suits, and at first I really thought he was struggling, until I realized that he only did it to get me close to him.
He would distract me by kissing me everywhere, and then always end up running late when I refused to let him go.
There’s no lingering touches or heated kisses now.
I know there's a lot of work still to rebuild us, but this moment feels like a stepping stone in the right direction. Instead of feeling sad that this moment won’t lead to more, I’m looking at it as a step in the right direction and hoping that he is as well.
From the hungry look in his eyes as he stares down at me, the way they turn almost completely black, I’m inclined to believe he wants me just as much as I crave him.
I finish up the buttons on his shirt before I smooth out the collar, taking a step back as my hands begin to fiddle with the hem of his sweater on me.
“Thank you.” He nods, before grabbing his suit jacket and pulling it on.
“You’re welcome.”
Once he’s made sure he’s ready to go downstairs, he turns to me and offers out his hand. “C’mon, I’ll walk you to your room, so you can get ready, and then we can go downstairs and wait for the bus.”
I walk over to the door, put my shoes back on, and take his hand as I let him lead me into the hallway and down to my door at the other end of the hall. It feels intimate in a way that I miss—while it’s a small gesture, I crave his touch. I’m going to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can.
I swipe my key card before leading him in, thankful no one else was in the hall and saw us together like this.
My room is empty when we step inside, and even though Emilia knows bits and pieces about Jake and I, I’m glad to have this continued one on one with him to start building our trust again.
He sits down on the edge of my bed as I walk to my bag and start to grab my polo and black pants, pausing as I stare down at the logo.
My last name is stitched into the shirt right beside the logo, and I run my hand over the embroidery, remembering what happened earlier today.
I have a huge decision to make ahead of tonight’s game.
“Do you think I should take the position?”
My instinct is to let the voices in my head run wild and fill me with so much self doubt about myself and my abilities. I’m choosing right now to take a better approach, because isn’t my lack of communication and need to do things myself the reason I’m in this mess in the first place?
There’s some lingering thoughts that push past, though, whispering in my ears that I’m not good enough or smart enough. Telling me that my colleagues are going to doubt me and hate me because of this.
I know better than to listen to them, but healing and growing isn’t linear, it’s always an up and down battle that requires you to push yourself and trust that even on your hard days, you're still doing better than you were before.
“I can’t tell you what to do. But how about you tell me what’s holding you back, and we can talk through it?”
Fidgeting with the shirt in my hands, I walk over to the bed and sit down next to him, my feet dangling just above the floor while his are planted firmly, highlighting our height difference.
I love that when we stand together he towers over me, and even though I’m not small by any means, I fit so perfectly with him.
“I’m scared.”
He doesn’t say anything. He’s waiting for me to say what I need to before he responds, and I need that push more than he knows.
“I’m brand new to this team. I’ve only been here a little over a month, and yet I’m the first person Coach and Dr. Sanders chose for the job.
Why me, when there are at least three better options?
I mean, Eric is Dr. Sanders' right hand man and he trusts me more than him? And what if I say yes and I mess up? What if the staff gets mad at me because of this? What if they hate me?”
It’s the last question that’s my biggest fear.
I’m reminded of the bullying I endured during high school.
The nasty notes people tossed in my locker, the whispers and insults I heard down the hall, the side-eyes and snorts of disgust as I sat in class doing my work while they all gossiped and fooled around.
It always had me second guessing myself, feeling insecure and lonely.
As I got older and started therapy, I talked through everything that I went through. It helped me find my confidence and voice. Once I was able to start believing in myself, holding my head high and showing others just how smart I was, people listened and paid attention.
There are still times when I have those weak moments of self doubt. Especially in unknown situations, like taking over an entire medical team.
“Kailyn, you are one of the smartest, kindest, most loving people I know. I might not know your experience in the field, but if it were me, I’d trust you over the other choices any day.
I know Coach, and he doesn’t just make these decisions lightly.
Trust me when I say you are the best person for this job.
And if you really need to sit down and talk it through with Coach and the GM, then we’ll make it happen. ”
“We?”
“Yeah, I’m not going to let you do this alone.”
I sit there, playing back what he said and letting myself feel his words. “What about the other stuff?”
“You once told me that it’s okay to mess up and make mistakes, it’s part of the journey.
So give yourself some grace and listen to yourself.
Trust that you know what you’re doing, and if you need help or guidance, then you talk it out like we are now.
” He looks at me and smiles, and I feel myself start to relax even more.
“And if they hate you, you have an entire team of players who will set them straight. We’ve been struggling with staffing issues, so just know that when the team loves you, they will fight for you.”
My heart warms at that. This team, despite only knowing most of them for a month, have easily become my extended family. It’s been so easy to be warm and open with them, and I feel accepted and included.
“Okay.”
“Okay, as in you’re going to do it?”
“Okay, as in I’ll have a decision by time I walk into the arena tonight.”
“Good. Now go get dressed before we’re late.” He smiles, and I take that as my cue to walk over to the bathroom and get ready.