8. Isaiah #2
They pulled into the car park. The December air was bitterly cold and Isaiah pulled his jacket tight around him as he speed walked to the entrance.
The bright lights of the shop assaulted his senses as he stepped through the automatic doors.
He took a moment to orient himself in the massive superstore before dragging Elliot towards the beauty aisle.
He perused the hair dye, eyeing a shocking turquoise that he was tempted by before locating a soft mint colour that was perfect for what he was thinking. He pulled two boxes off the shelf.
“Is that all you need?” Elliot asked.
“The pink’s faded enough that it should cover without bleaching,” he replied with a shrug.
Elliot nodded and followed him to the checkout, whipping his credit card out before Isaiah even had a chance to protest.
“You didn’t need to do that,” he insisted as he trudged back out to the car behind his cousin. “I can pay for a couple boxes of hair colour.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I know my dad’s not paying you much on top of your housing and tuition for all the work you’ve done.”
“He doesn’t need to. I’m fine. Better than fine.”
“Really?” Elliot asked with an arched brow. “Philosophy pay that well these days?”
Something about it prickled Isaiah’s wounded pride, even though the tone had been anything but harsh. “No, but porn doesn’t do too bad.” The words had fallen from his mouth before he had a chance to think them through.33
Elliot froze in front of him, car keys in hand.
Isaiah nearly crashed into him as he darted around to the passenger door. “Unlock the car, Elliot.”
“Will you explain if I do?”
“I definitely won’t if you don’t,” Isaiah snarked back. “Come on, I’m freezing my balls off here and they’re kind of important for my job.”
He smirked as his cousin fumbled with the keys and finally unlocked the door.
The silence in the car was skirting the edge of oppressive, then Elliot snorted. “I can’t believe you said that. ‘They’re important for my job.’” He turned the ignition on. “Bloody hell. You used to be so shy.”
“A lot’s changed in the past few years though, hasn’t it?
” Isaiah replied softly. “Oxford; getting away from my parents’ expectations and finally being able to be myself; making friends who liked me, the real me; finally getting the confidence to come out…
which obviously didn’t exactly go as well for me as it did for you, but… ”
“Isaiah, I’m so sorry.”
Isaiah interrupted him, holding up a hand. “Not your fault. Just, there’s a reason I’m not the same as I was when we were kids.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Besides, Balliol eats shyness for breakfast.”
Elliot laughed. Taking Isaiah’s attempt to lighten the mood at face value. “So…porn? Like a studio? Do they even have those in Oxford?”
A laugh bubbled up in Isaiah’s throat. “Lord, no.” He paused. “Well, maybe. But I’m not, like, a professional. I have my own cam show, you know? Just me. My hand. Some toys.” He laughed again as Elliot’s cheeks flamed.
“You shouldn’t have to do that.”
Isaiah fell silent. He knew people didn’t understand, but the show had become far more to him than an obligation or a means to an end.
It paid well, and it let him reclaim the control he’d lost over his life.
34 Hell, he’d give up working for Carl before he’d even consider giving up his cam show now.
The only thing he’d put above it was academia, and even that was only because he’d already sunk so much into the doctorate dream.
He knew it was his own privilege talking.
For him, sex work was an escape, but it wasn’t for everyone. 35
An uncomfortable silence fell between them for the rest of the drive, Isaiah felt like he could see the synapses firing in Elliot’s brain as he processed.
By the time they got back, the noise level seemed to have doubled.
He could sense Elliot’s questions hanging in the air as he led him down the corridor to the kitchen, where everyone was laughing as Jackson and Noah made equal messes of themselves decorating sugar cookies.
Elliot led him to the bathroom, then hesitated at the door.
“Do you want to give me a hand?” Isaiah asked. “I can’t see the back without a second mirror.”
Elliot nodded slowly, and helped open the boxes in silence. Then, brandishing gloves and ignoring their earlier conversation, either out of embarrassment or something else entirely, he smiled. “This is either going to be a miracle or a disaster,” he said, rolling up his sleeves.
Isaiah grinned. “I trust you. Not sure I’d let Jackson anywhere near it, though.”
“He’s banned. Last thing we need is him giving himself festive eyebrows.”
Isaiah sat, and Elliot started carefully applying the soft mint colour. The chemical scent of the dye filled the small space. Isaiah felt the tension in his chest loosen.
“Have any big races coming up?” Elliot asked, breaking the silence between them.
“Mid Jan, in Hatfield,” Isaiah replied. “I can’t wait. Feels like we’ve been training for it forever.”
“Good team this year?”
“Great team,” Isaiah replied. “Though we’ll probably feel the loss of Malek in the standings.”
Elliot chuckled. “That kids gonna do amazing things. You should hear the way Dad raves about him. Think he’s pretty gutted he’ll never run for Team GB.”
Isaiah grinned. “Yeah, wouldn’t be surprised if he’s lining up against you in four years though.”
Silence fell again, as Elliot worked methodically, and Isaiah thought about how to explain his life to his cousin.
Elliot set the dye on the worktop. “Done. We’ve got thirty minutes for it to develop,” he said reading the back of the box.
“I should probably tell you more,” Isaiah said, voice low. “About my camming… It isn’t—it’s not a desperation thing or—” He stared at his hands, picking at the cuticles. “Fuck, I’m being so inarticulate right now.”
“It’s fine, Zay. You don’t need to explain yourself.” He perched himself on the edge of the bath, looking down at the floor.
“I think I do. I don’t want you to feel bad for me.
Because, sure, it started because I needed money, but now…
I enjoy it. I’m fully in control, and it makes me…
I’m proud of it, not ashamed. The only thing I’ve been worried about is how it reflects on you, on your career, especially now you’re so well known. ”
A frown marred Elliot’s face as he met Isaiah’s eyes. “What about you? Wouldn’t it be hard in academia if it got out?”
Isaiah chewed on his bottom lip. “Maybe. But philosophy’s a unique environment.
Hell, I could do my doctorate on the ethics of online sex work, and my professors would probably just want to make sure I was giving adequate literature review space to Kant.
” he laughed, but something about the idea didn’t feel like a joke.
Elliot nodded slowly, finally smiling. “Okay, fair enough. Just…live your life for yourself, yeah? Let me worry about my career. Basing your decisions on other people’s reputations is a quick road to ruin.”
Isaiah chuckled. “You’d make a great philosopher.”
“Love made me deep,” Elliot said with a grin
From the lounge, Jackson’s voice echoed as he teased his sister Beth about a boy she’d met at drama school.
“Really,” Isaiah laughed. “Loving that made you deep?”
“Okay, maybe it just made me crazy.” Elliot smirked. “Speaking of deep thoughts…or crazy ones.” He pulled a small velvet box from his pocket. “I’ve been carrying this around for weeks.”
Isaiah’s eyebrows shot up. “When are you going to…?”
“The next time I beat him in a race,” Elliot said casually.
“You two are ridiculous.” Isaiah laughed at Elliot, but inside his heart warmed.
Elliot stayed with him while the dye set. The conversation drifted back to family, and the years they’d lost when Elliot had moved away. Isaiah couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been different if he’d grown up with his cousin nearby.36
“Was it because he knew you were gay?” Isaiah asked. “Did my parents…not want you around?”
“I’m bi,” Elliot said, “but I don’t think they knew that.
God, I barely understood it then.” He paused.
“I wonder though, if maybe it was part of it. Dad knew about me, and I can only assume he was aware of their…views. Maybe he wanted to protect me from that in his own way. It’s hard to know for sure. ”
Isaiah nodded. It made sense. “You two seem to be doing alright? He sure seems to get on with Jackson.”
“Everyone gets on with Jackson. He could befriend a Yeti if he put his mind to it.” Elliot smiled softly. “Things with my dad were weird for a bit. He has a lot of regrets, and I think it’s hard for him to trust. This whole thing with Green has been hard. He sees too much of himself in the kid.”
The implication wasn’t lost on Isaiah. The sudden move, the end of Carl’s career. He didn’t want to make assumptions, but he could see the way the pieces were coming together. No wonder he was doing whatever he could to keep Green from losing everything in the same way.
Elliot left Isaiah to shower once the timer he’d set had gone off. Isaiah dried his hair quickly and glanced only briefly in the mirror before returning to reveal the results to an excited pre-schooler.
Noah spotted Isaiah as soon as he entered the room. “Uncle Zaya! We’re Christmas now!”
The easy address and his wide grin made Isaiah’s chest ache with warmth. Family gathered around them, real family, and snapped a photo that Isaiah quickly set as his lock screen.
They ate curry for Christmas Eve, made special for Elliot by Jackson’s mum, apparently.
Afterwards, everyone drifted away, full and content.
They’d be back the next day, but Noah needed to get home to bed so Santa could come, as he repeatedly informed all the adults when they were taking too long exchanging goodbyes.
Once the flat had emptied, Isaiah joined Elliot, Jackson, Katie, and Amelie in the sitting room with another mug of mulled wine. Conversation continued around him as he let himself absorb the comforting feeling of acceptance.