Chapter 36 Need To Talk
NEED TO TALK
Alana was trying to control her frustration, but it was difficult when she couldn’t figure out what the hell was going through Brennan’s head.
For a month now she’d been waiting for him to make some kind of move.
Say any phrase or throw out a comment about their relationship.
How much clearer did she have to be when she told him he was everything she wanted or was looking for?
He hadn’t even replied and it gave her vibes of his thumbs up text to Celia saying their one date went well.
If it wasn’t for the fact their chemistry was off the charts and they had so much fun together, she’d wonder if she was imagining this all.
For a man that gave little away, he sure the hell lit a flame to throw on gasoline today.
She pulled into the driveway, parked, and got out. The front porch door opened before she made it to the stairs.
“Becca’s sleeping,” he said quietly.
It wasn’t even one yet. “Everything okay?”
“She was tired from making snowmen. She barely got through lunch.”
She smiled. A forced one. “Good. We need to talk.”
“We do,” he said. “I’ll start with an apology.”
Once her jacket and boots were off, she went into the living room and sat down in the chair, crossing her arms. “What are you sorry about?”
“For acting like an ass.”
“You did. In your way. Could have been worse and I’ve seen worse. I guess I’m more concerned about why you acted the way you did.”
“Because I was jealous. I saw Tim close to you, almost brushing your side, then taking the box from you.”
“He lost his balance,” she said. “He’d been there for a few hours and was tired and he wasn’t slowing down.”
“Oh,” he said.
“I get it. You came in at that time and assumed something that wasn’t true. Considering both of our backgrounds, I’m stunned that you’d think that of me. And his husband was right there.”
Her voice was almost a shouted whisper.
He threw his hands up. “Come on, Alana. You’re the one who had something going on under your nose with a gay couple. Don’t insult us both by saying that.”
She ground her teeth. He wasn’t wrong. “That was different. Jonathan and Susette were always texting and talking, going out together with no one else. I see Tim a few times a year if we are volunteering together. I don’t have his number. I don’t even know his last name.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry. I overreacted.”
“I know. I get it. And for someone who was so worried that I’d think you had something going on with Celia, I can understand why you reacted today, but there is no reason for it.”
“There is always a reason,” he said. “We both have been burned.”
“We have. But you’re carrying it much further than me. Why?”
He was pacing around the living room. He wasn’t a person to get riled like this.
“Because I care for you. My daughter is in love with you. You’re part of her life and I’d do anything to prevent her from getting hurt.”
Her fingers curled into her palms. “I’d do nothing to hurt Becca. You’re insulting me.”
“I’m doing a shitty job of everything,” he said, flopping on the couch.
“Just tell me what is on your mind, Brennan. If things aren’t working the same for you, tell me. Don’t self-sabotage it.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
If it wasn’t for the size of his eyes almost popping out of their sockets, she’d think he was dicking her around.
“It means that you don’t always express things fully. Not all the parts or working pieces until you’re backed into the corner.”
“I’m completely confused.”
She looked at the ceiling and counted to five before the steam blew out of the top of her head. “A month ago it was difficult for me to say you were everything I was looking for in a man. Your only response was to stare at me. I thought the next day I’d get a thumbs up reply in my text.”
“Oh fuck,” he said, running his hands over his face.
“That’s all you’ve got to say?”
“No. If I told you what I felt at that moment, I thought I’d scare you off.”
“Do I look like someone who runs easily?”
“You ran to this island when things got tough.”
“That’s low,” she said, standing up, her body close to vibrating.
He took a step toward her and pulled her into his arms, but she backed up.
“I’m sorry. Let’s stop,” he said. “I love you. There. I said it. I wanted to say it a month ago and was afraid. This is on me. I didn’t want to do it so early and scare you off.
It’s hard for me to open up again. I worried you were putting on the brakes the past few weeks and realized I caused one of us to stop, not you. ”
She stiffened, but didn’t move when he pulled her into his arms. She was having a hard time hearing anything else other than he loved her.
That he felt the same way about her she did him.
That they were both afraid to say it first.
What idiots they’d been!
“Can you back up and tell me you love me again first?”
He pushed her out of his arms a little so he could look into her eyes. “I love you. I’ve loved you for weeks. Over a month. I haven’t said it to another woman in years and with so much on the line, I think I was guarding myself.”
“The same,” she said, shaking her head over the foolishness. “I love you too. I complained you weren’t clear with words, but I should have been. I might have been if you’d responded to what I said before.”
“My fault. I get it. I’ll take full responsibility for it.”
“It’s no one’s fault. It’s a breakdown of communication more than anything else. We both should know better.”
“Knowing better and executing the proper words and actions aren’t always the same.”
“So we are learning. Let’s sit back down and talk. I think there are things we both need to say and never do. About our pasts and what we want in the future. If it’s too much too soon, then say it.”
“It’s not. It needs to be said. Not just in passing comments and assumptions.”
“It does. You asked me what your mother said to me and I never told you. But she said that she wanted us to singe each other. That was love. You need that heat in all levels. The key was not to scorch Becca in the process and that was her only concern.”
“I wish I knew she’d said that.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” she said. “I hate to say this, but I feel as if you know more about my feelings and goals than I do yours. Jonathan did a number on my self-esteem, but you’ve restored it. I’m stronger around you. I’m bolder.”
He laughed. “You are. I love it.”
“You’ve said that before, but I didn’t know if it had more to do with sex or not.”
He closed one eye at her. “That’s a little where you’re blind, but it goes back to me not saying it. You have no reason to have anyone knock you down. Ever. Neither do I, but I do a good job of kicking myself in the ass.”
“Tell me about Rene and that situation. She had the perfect job of hiding what she was doing. Jonathan didn’t. That’s why I felt like a fool.”
He sighed. “I’ll say it once and then it doesn’t need to be said again.
It doesn’t need to touch what we’ve got, but shouldn’t be a shadow cast on us either.
She was picking guys up on her flights when she had layovers or was staying the night since she was on such long flights.
Mark, that was his name. He was a frequent flyer with her.
They didn’t even have to text anymore because they were on the same flights and made arrangements when they saw each other. ”
“You had no reason to think she was texting other men or they were texting or calling her?”
“No. After we started to date, she was using a second phone for those things. Since she was out of reach so much, it never occurred to me if her phone was off. It was the perfect setup, like you said.”
“And now you look for that?” she asked.
“I haven’t in years,” he said. “But I haven’t been serious about anyone since Becca was born either.
” He reached for her hand and threaded their fingers together.
“You asked me before if I’d been in love.
I have, but not like this. I knew right away this was different, but there was a part of me that worried I could be a rebound for you. ”
Her head went back and forth. “No. It’s not that. What I feel when I’m with you is what I’ve always wanted in my life. Did I think I’d be married and have kids right now? Yep, I did. Do I want a child of my own? Of course I do. But maybe I won’t be able to get pregnant. We don’t know that.”
“It’s just like what you said before about parents loving a child that is adopted.”
“That’s right. I love Becca. I wish she were my daughter. Sometimes I feel that way and don’t want to leave her at night.”
He tucked her under his arm and squeezed. “I feel like that too. I wish I could have said it before.”
“We are saying it now. I have to know. What do you want in the future? As much as I love you and Becca, I won’t give myself to someone who doesn’t want the same things.”
She felt confident enough in him to say the words. That he wouldn’t let her down.
“Come here. I’m going to show you what I want. What do you see in the yard?”
They were looking out the kitchen window. “Three snowmen.”
“Me, you, and Becca. A family. I wanted to make a fourth, but I knew Becca would ask why. I want more kids. I want a family. I’m not putting the pressure on us.”
“Neither of us needs it,” she said.
“No. But we love each other and have the same goals and, for now, that’s good enough, right?”
“It is,” she said, giving him a kiss.