26. Lighten This Conversation
LIGHTEN THIS CONVERSATION
The next week, Gabriela pulled open a drawer at Luca’s, looking for one of his T-shirts since she’d just spilled coffee on hers.
They’d agreed that they weren’t going to see each other until their shifts were done.
His ended at nine last night and he asked if she’d come over and stay the night.
Yep, she packed a bag and off she went. It wasn’t like they were going to get up and go to the gym on Sunday. She never went on the weekends and he said he wouldn’t either.
And his playfulness in the kitchen just now while cleaning up breakfast, well, it resulted with the rest of her coffee landing on the front of her shirt.
She was glad to know that he shared in her silliness at times rather than think she might not take things seriously.
Hell, their job was serious enough, so being able to disconnect for periods of time was needed.
She moved clothing around, found a T-shirt and pulled it out, then noticed a frame in the back.
Her fingers itched to pull it out.
She turned and looked over her shoulder, not sure why, when she could hear Luca still downstairs in the kitchen.
Fuck it.
She pulled it out and turned it over, saw the picture of Luca laughing with his arms around Zoe.
The picture had to be older. He looked younger, not as fit as he was now, but not heavy by any means.
She just noticed that his biceps around his wife weren’t as large or defined.
Hadn’t he said he was spending more time working out when he was alone?
“What’s wrong?”
She spun around, the picture in her hand with no way to hide it. “Nothing. Sorry. I saw this getting a T-shirt. Guess my curiosity got the best of me.”
She was obviously standing there longer than she thought staring at it for him to come up behind her without her knowledge.
He moved closer, his hand out, reaching for the photo, then looking at it like he wasn’t sure what was on it.
Rather than tuck it away like it was some secret, he stared at it for a moment in silence.
“This is almost ten years old,” he said, his voice not sad, but not as strong as it normally was.
“I thought it was older. I’m sorry. If you have it hidden because of me, please don’t. I know the situation. It’s not going to bother me.”
He put the picture back and shut the drawer as simply as if he were returning clean laundry to its place. “It’s for me, not you.”
Most times she’d crack a joke. Or he would.
It didn’t seem to call for it now.
She grabbed his hand and pulled him to the bed to sit. “Can we talk about it? Or you don’t have to. I just thought, maybe we should.”
“I’m not purposely holding back.” His eyes were searching hers. “I’m really not. And honestly, that picture has been there since I moved. It hasn’t come out.”
She frowned. “Why?”
“I kept my clothes in the dresser when I packed up. I thought it’d be easier. That picture was on top of it and I shoved it in. When I got here, I knew it was still there and told myself to see how I felt without it. To take a step and just go with it.”
Her hand went to his left ring finger and traced it. “Just like removing your wedding band?”
“Yeah.” He looked down at his hand, then back to her.
“I had to do it at some point. Looking at that picture or not isn’t going to make her come back.
It’s not going to make her memories go away either.
They will always be here.” He tapped his finger to his chest. “I honestly forgot it was there until I just saw you holding it.”
“Really?”
He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Really. We can talk about things. That’s fine. I don’t know the relationship rules. Is that a thing? Do people talk about their past?”
He was trying to be funny with a grin on his face. She got it. This didn’t have to be heavy. It didn’t have to be depressing either.
If he wanted it to be that way, she’d take his lead.
She shrugged. “It is a thing if we want it to be.”
“We can talk. I’m pretty open about things. Or that is how I operate.”
She patted his thigh. “Me too,” she said. “How did you two meet?”
“Funnily enough,” he said, smirking. “In the gym.”
“Get out,” she said, laughing and slapping his thigh.
“No. And guess what? She approached me first.”
The smile never left his face.
Interesting that she’d have that in common with Luca’s late wife. “She asked you on a date or gave you a cheesy pickup line?”
“She asked me right out. Or for my number. I was in med school so it’s not like I had a lot of time and told her that. She was fine with it. She taught yoga upstairs at the place. I hadn’t known that, but she’d been watching me.”
“Did she work anywhere else, or did that full time?”
“She was a senior in college,” he said.
“Younger than you.” She hadn’t realized that.
“Yep. Four years. We started dating, and by the time she graduated, we were pretty serious and talking about moving in together.”
“So you could see each other more?”
“Yes. She was working at a bank as a loan officer.”
“I thought she owned a yoga studio,” she said before she could stop herself.
He laughed, the sound soft and almost amusing. She’d been caught but didn’t care either. “I figured you would have looked into things. You could have asked.”
“I did it after I met you. It didn’t feel right to be that intrusive so early.”
“I get it. When I got my residency placement, she moved with me, then we got married shortly after. It was easy for her to get another job at a bank and find a gym to teach yoga. When I started working full time, she quit the bank and focused on her classes and online subscriptions.”
“Oh, I had no idea.”
She would have looked into that if she’d known.
“Yeah. Between that and the studio space, she did well for herself. She made her own hours. She was trying to line things up to be a mother. You know, income from the videos without really working all the time.”
“That’s smart.”
“She was a smart woman.”
Her eyes were searching his. She couldn’t really read much there. Not sadness or grief. Not even happiness. Only a conversation about anyone in his past.
“Do you feel like you’re betraying her now?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Not at all.” He reached for her hand. “Her mother called me the day after Christmas.”
“You didn’t say anything.”
Not that he owed her any explanation.
“I haven’t talked to Susan in months. When I lived back home, I might get a text now and again. I told them I was moving. I found out my mother still sees Zoe’s mother. They talk and visit, but not as often. Our families were close.”
“Does that bother you?”
“What? That they still see each other? No,” he said. “No one needs to walk away completely. I’d never do that, but I don’t feel as if the connection is there anymore with them. Not with me here or them there.”
“You don’t feel it or don’t want to?” she asked. She hoped she wasn’t pushing, but sometimes words came out before she could stop them. “I’m not sure I’d feel the same way about people who were part of my life for so long.”
“I didn’t think her parents would even stay in the area.
I moved back home when I was ready to start working.
Zoe had no problem traveling with me for my residency, then back to St. Louis.
She’s from Ohio. Cincinnati. I did my residency and fellowships in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
She followed me no problem, and then her parents moved closer to her. ”
“They just picked up their life and moved like that?”
“Yeah. They’ve got another daughter, Tiffany, but she lives in California, and they didn’t want to go there. Zoe was their baby. They were close.”
“Did you get along well with them? Considering she moved with you?”
“We did. I’m not that hard to get along with.”
She laughed. “I find you very easy to.”
“Once I started working, we wanted to have kids right away,” he said. “Her parents wanted to be close for that.”
“Can I ask more about that situation? You said she struggled to get pregnant?”
“She did. She’d never been regular. Her cycle. She was on birth control for years to control cysts. I think we just figured it wouldn’t be that hard, but we were wrong.”
“And she didn’t want to do any kind of fertility treatments?”
“No. I brought it up after a few years, but she shut me down. She said she’d had enough female issues in her life and didn’t want to go through that again. I respected her decision.”
“There are other ways to have a child,” she said. “You know that.”
He let out a snort. “Her sister offered to be a surrogate. I thought hell, this could work.”
“Zoe didn’t want that?”
“She didn’t believe in it. She wanted to be pregnant herself. She wanted to experience that. I personally don’t think you have to carry your child for it to be yours, but she’d still have to go through some medical procedure to get eggs. Again, she didn’t want that.”
“I’m sorry. I get the feeling you really wanted a child.”
“I did. I do. I still can have them someday. I even brought up adoption, but if she wouldn’t let her sister be a surrogate, she wasn’t going to adopt a child.”
“I wouldn’t think so,” she said. “Was she mad? Did she feel as if you were pushing her? And you can tell me it’s none of my business.”
It was hard for her not to get pissed off that Zoe wouldn’t consider Luca in all of this. That really, Zoe was the one deciding, and by doing that, she was denying them both what they wanted.
“It’s fine. I was careful about bringing it up. There is a lot of pressure on a marriage when you’re trying to conceive. I’m not going to pretend things were perfect with us all the time, because they weren’t. But they weren’t bad either. Every marriage has difficulties.”
It was the first she was hearing this part, but honestly, no one had a perfect marriage and it was crazy to think otherwise.
“Did you both finally just stop trying and if it happened, then it did?”
“After years, that is how I looked at it. But each month, she kept waiting. If she was one day late, she’d take a test. But she always came back negative even if she missed a month of her period.
We checked when she ovulated. Things like that, but the more years that went by, the less she was ovulating. ”
“She was thirty-two when she passed?”
“Yes. Maybe it would have still happened, but it doesn’t matter now.”
“You want kids still, right?”
“Definitely. I’ve never made a secret of it. I’ve got options too. Things I’ve thought of, but I feel there is time yet.”
“You know I do. Just haven’t found the right person. And I’m not saying let’s try to make one,” she said, laughing.
They really did need to lighten this conversation some.
Or maybe she wanted it that way.
She had no right to get worked up over the fact that Luca seemed to sacrifice so much.
“Hey now,” he said, pulling her under his arm and lying back on the bed. “There is nothing wrong with the act of trying. Doesn’t mean we want it to happen, but practicing helps.”
“Oh hell yeah,” she said, rolling over and lying on top of him. “You know I’m all for practice makes perfect, but it’s not something I’m planning on.”
She wouldn’t say she didn’t want it. Never that.
Look how many of her cousins were protected against it and yet still got pregnant.
She was of the firm belief that shit just happens for a reason and it is what it is.
“I’ve learned there are things in life you just can’t plan,” he said.
She leaned down and planted a big kiss on his lips. “Nope. Like you said, they happen for a reason. The good, the bad, and the sad. The reason can suck half the time, but getting worked up for things we can’t control isn’t good either.”
“No,” he said, rolling and pinning her arms over her head. “But getting worked up when I can control it is even better. We really should get you out of this stained shirt.”
“Yes,” she said, laughing. “We really should.”
Which meant conversation over and it was for the best.