Chapter 17
Billie and Louisa had been home for three days, and Billie seemed to be taking to motherhood like she’d never had a single doubt about it.
The truth was, she’d had many, colossal doubts, and so to see her settle down so easily was ringing alarm bells for Zoe.
She wanted to believe that Billie had simply worked through her issues before the birth and it was this that had allowed her to adjust so quickly.
She had, after all, at one point declared her intent to have Louisa adopted, and feelings that strong didn’t simply clear in an instant – did they?
Zoe couldn’t quite believe that they would, and she hated to be a pessimist, but she couldn’t help it.
They were in the living room now. Billie was fastening a clean nappy onto Louisa as Zoe bagged up the dirty one.
‘I can do it,’ Billie said, glancing up.
‘You don’t have to keep doing everything for me.
I’ll have to do it next week when you go back to work, so I might as well get used to it.
And you didn’t have to take the week off to be here.
Everyone else has to work out how to do this stuff, so why am I different? ’
‘Most mums have some sort of support in the first few weeks. Nobody is trying to make you feel incompetent.’
‘I didn’t say I felt incompetent. It’s just annoying to keep having you hover over me.’
‘I’ll try not to then.’
‘Why don’t you go back to work? It’d be fine, and I could call if I needed you.’
‘I was due time off anyway so it made sense to take it this week. Besides, you forget, I don’t have anything else to do with my leave.
We’re not likely to go on holiday any time soon, your dad doesn’t need any help yet with the camping pods and both of my best friends are too busy with babies of their own to go out with me.
So I might as well be here, and you might as well take advantage of the help while you have it.
I’m not doing things because I think you can’t; I’m doing them to give you as much rest as possible because you’ve just given birth and that’s a traumatic thing, even for women who have it easy.
Not that there’s any such thing as an easy birth, of course.
It’s exhausting, and your body needs to recover. ’
Billie fastened Louisa’s romper suit and said nothing. Zoe wondered if she was as annoyed as she seemed to be. She looked annoyed, but then, her life had been turned upside down, and so had her hormones, so perhaps it wasn’t surprising that her tolerance levels weren’t what they would normally be.
‘You’re trying to tell me I’m getting under your feet?’ she asked. ‘Would you rather I went back to work?’
‘That’s not what I meant. Now I sound like an ungrateful cow.’
‘That wasn’t my intention…’ Zoe sighed. ‘I might drive out to Keswick for an hour or two, pick up some things, get some air. Do you need me to get anything for you? You could even come if you felt up to it – might do you good to get out.’
‘I don’t need to go out.’
‘But you’ve been home for three days and you haven’t set foot outside the door. Surely you’d like a bit of fresh air?’
‘Do I need to go out?’
‘Nobody’s forcing you, but eventually, of course you do.’
‘Only I don’t feel up to it yet, and I don’t want Louisa to get cold.’
‘You can wrap her up and she’ll be fine. Babies in Finland sleep out in their prams in sub-zero temperatures, and they’re all perfectly happy. Actually, it would be a good chance to try out your pram too.’
Billie offered a withering look. ‘There’s nothing in Keswick.’
There was loads to do in Keswick, not least admire the charm of the town itself, but Zoe could recognise a lost argument when she saw one.
She wondered whether she ought to stay home too, despite what Billie had been saying.
There was no immediate concern, just that niggling doubt again that had her worrying about something that would probably never happen.
Mood swings were all part of the gift of the postnatal experience – Zoe knew that.
But Billie seemed to be all over the place – one minute she couldn’t stand the sight of Zoe, and the next she was plaintively asking her to take Louisa because she was exhausted.
Zoe studied her as covertly as she could.
She hadn’t wanted to ask for fear of stoking the angry side of her, but Billie’s hair didn’t look washed.
Zoe couldn’t recall her going up to wash it since they got home.
She said she’d been showering, but Zoe couldn’t even be sure of that.
Whenever she needed to leave Louisa to do something for herself, she was gone for minutes at the most, and so if she was doing any personal hygiene, it had to be the bare minimum.
It was funny because Zoe had visited so many new mothers over the years, but she’d never spent extended periods of time with them.
She’d seen them washed and dressed and at their best ready for her visit, but once she’d gone, did they become as Billie was?
She felt lacking because she felt she ought to know if this was normal or not, but she didn’t.
No amount of training or knowledge had prepared her for living with a new mother, especially one with such a complex relationship with motherhood.
Was Billie regretting her decision to keep Louisa after all?
Was she feeling guilt for the very notion that she had almost given her away?
Zoe had tried to encourage her, subtly, to talk about these things, but Billie simply refused to be drawn.
She’d wondered whether to mention her concerns to Alex, but she didn’t want to worry him because he was in a period of adjustment, just like everyone else.
As she watched Billie go to the window with Louisa in her arms, she wondered whether the best approach was just to be direct and ask. But would Billie recognise an issue within her own mental state, even if it was there?
‘Old Banger is coming up the drive,’ Billie said.
Zoe joined her at the window to see the Land Rover pull up. Victor and Corrine got out, arms filled with gifts and flowers. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight of them. They were such a wholesome couple, nobody could be anything but happy to see them, no matter what else was going on.
‘I’ll go and let them in…’ she began, but it seemed Alex had noticed their arrival too because in the next second she heard his voice at the front door and then their replies. Then the door slammed shut and he led them into the living room.
‘We should have phoned,’ Corrine said. ‘But Victor said you’d taken the week off so there would be someone in.’
‘And she couldn’t wait to see the baby,’ Victor added. ‘Which means if we’d phoned and you’d said not to come, I’d have had to look at her disappointed face for the rest of the day.’
‘You’re always welcome – no need to stand on ceremony.’ Alex shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at Zoe and Billie for agreement.
Billie seemed to brighten a little at the idea that Corrine had been desperate to see the new arrival. She went over with Louisa in her arms.
‘Oh!’ Corrine stepped forward to get a better look. ‘Isn’t she perfect? Absolutely beautiful! Look at all that hair already! And the little fingers… Oh, Victor, isn’t she gorgeous?’
‘Ah…’ He gave a gruff nod, beaming behind his beard. ‘She is.’
It was strange because Zoe wasn’t related by blood and yet she was proud. Proud to be part of Alex’s and Billie’s, and now Louisa’s, lives. She was proud of Billie for making it this far, proud of how hard she was trying.
‘We didn’t know what to get…’ Victor gave Alex the flowers.
‘Oh, Victor, you didn’t have to, but they’re lovely. Didn’t you get anything for Billie though?’
Victor let out a husky laugh. ‘Daft bugger. Flowers generally go down all right for this sort of thing, don’t they?’
‘Thank you,’ Billie said.
‘And we got this for the little one…’ Corrine held out a floppy felt alpaca dressed in ribbons and a brightly patterned blanket.
‘That’s so cute!’ Zoe cooed.
‘Thought it seemed apt,’ Victor said. ‘And of course, madam here has baked something.’
Corrine gave the toy to Zoe and then opened a box she’d been balancing on one arm. Inside was a cake, decorated with sugar flowers and iced with the words: Welcome, Baby Louisa!
‘Wow, that’s lovely!’ Zoe said.
‘Fantastic!’ Alex agreed. He turned to Billie. ‘What do you think, eh? Corrine’s a baking genius!’
‘Aww, I’m not.’ Corrine flushed at the compliment. ‘I’m only an old hand at it. Old hand in general, now I come to think of it.’
‘But still the loveliest hands,’ Victor said in the gruffly earnest tone he used when he wanted to let Corrine know how much he loved her.
Zoe had sometimes wondered whether he’d ever said those three words.
She’d never heard him, but the way he was still besotted after all these years was evident in everything he said and did.
‘I made a fruit one,’ Corrine said, going back to the cake. ‘So it will keep for years.’
Billie frowned. ‘Why would I want to keep it for years? How come it doesn’t go off?’
‘Anything keeps with enough booze.’ Victor tapped the side of his nose. ‘It used to be a thing for wedding cakes, didn’t it? You’d keep the top tier for the christening of the first baby.’
‘Oh…’ Billie looked as if she wasn’t sure what she was meant to do with that information. ‘Well, thanks. It’s a lovely cake.’
‘You don’t have to keep it,’ Corrine said. ‘Eat it whenever you like.’
‘That’s good,’ Alex said. ‘Because I doubt it will last long around here. I was just going to make tea if you want a cup. We can cut it up with that.’
‘Let me take some photos of it first,’ Zoe said.
Billie nodded a vague agreement but had started to look as if the fuss was already draining her.