Chapter 16
‘Louisa Jennifer…’ Zoe smiled down at the baby in the cot. Billie was in the bed right next to it, sleeping. ‘It’s so pretty and so fitting.’
‘Perfect,’ Alex agreed, standing at her shoulder, gazing down at the tiny new arrival too.
‘And I don’t think I’ve ever been present at a more textbook birth,’ she added with a light laugh. ‘The team barely had to do anything but stand back and let Billie do her thing. It almost makes me wish I’d persuaded her to have Louisa at Hilltop where I could have kept her all to myself.’
‘You still had a big part to play.’
‘I know, but it doesn’t feel that way. It was more moral support than anything else.
It’s hard, but I have to be wary of stepping on people’s toes.
It wouldn’t have been professional for me to get in the way when there was a great midwifery team on duty here, and I would have been if I’d tried to get involved.
Anyway, it’s not about me, is it? Billie was absolutely brilliant; I knew she would be. ’
‘What did Louisa weigh again?’ Alex asked. ‘I keep forgetting and I need to tell people.’
‘Eight pounds two ounces. A nice size.’
‘Sounds like you’re weighing up fruit.’
‘It does a bit, doesn’t it?’
His gaze went back to the cot, and there was a pause before he finally spoke in a voice thick with emotion. ‘I think Luis would have been thrilled. I know Jen would have been.’
Zoe looked up to see him wipe away a tear. She turned away to give him a moment and felt him press his hand into hers.
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘You always know, don’t you?’
‘I know how I would feel. If you need some time alone to—’
‘I don’t. This is a time for celebrating. Jen wouldn’t want me to be sad, not today.’
‘I suppose,’ Zoe said, her smile fading into a more troubled expression, ‘this is where it gets really hard.’
‘Yes, but we’re on hand to help, aren’t we?’
‘I didn’t mean nappies and things. I mean… well, Louisa is here now, and that will bring home to Billie more than anything else could that Luis is not. She’s a constant reminder in a way Billie’s bump wasn’t.’
‘I think her bump reminded her quite a lot, if you recall when you first met us.’
‘Yes, but it’s still a more abstract thing. And you can decide not to look if you don’t want to think about it. A baby… that’s a whole different ball game.’
His gaze went to where Billie was sleeping in the bed next to Louisa’s cot, her hair damp with sweat and face slack with exhaustion. ‘Do you think we’ll be all right?’
‘I think we have to keep a close eye on things. Have you contacted Luis’s family to let them know Louisa has arrived?’
‘Not yet. I’ll do it shortly, just need to catch my breath first.’
‘I know what you mean.’ Zoe patted his arm. ‘Do you think they’ll fly over?’
‘I would have thought so. Not that we’re ready for visitors, but we could be. Honestly, I’m not sure if their coming will help Billie or make things worse, but we can’t really tell them not to, can we? They’re Louisa’s other grandparents.’
‘It’ll be hard, but I’m sure Billie wouldn’t stop them from seeing her. Maybe it will be some comfort to know they’re in Louisa’s life, even if her dad can’t be?’
‘Maybe.’ Alex paused. ‘Is it bad that a bit of me doesn’t want to share her with them?
I don’t know… it feels like we’ve fought so hard to get to this point, with the adoption plan and everything hanging over us, and they haven’t seen any of it.
They’ve just sat there in Spain, blissfully ignorant, and now they get to turn up and fuss the baby. ’
‘They did lose their son,’ Zoe reminded him gently.
‘They did, I know. I am being unreasonable.’
‘I didn’t say that, but I’m sure it hasn’t been plain sailing for them either.
And don’t forget Louisa will be growing up with you.
She’ll be in a completely different country, changing every day, and they won’t get to see any of that.
They might not get to see her very often at all, and their relationship with her will be totally different from yours. ’
He scratched his head with a lopsided smile. ‘She might end up liking them better. I’m not sure how annoying I might be to live with, and they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder.’
‘That could never happen. You’ll be brilliant, and she’ll adore you.’
‘Now I feel even more unreasonable. But I just look at her and I don’t want to share. I want to…’
‘Protect her? Keep her safe from absolutely everything and everyone?’
‘Yes. Billie too, no matter what it takes. And I know I can’t, not really, not from everything, and I hate that.’
‘But I love that you want to.’
He looked at her with his small uncertain smile. ‘Is it patronising and sexist to say I feel that way about you too?’
‘You want to protect me?’
He nodded.
‘A little bit, but I’ll let it slide.’ She returned his smile, but hers was brighter. ‘Sometimes patronising is nice – if it comes from the right place, I mean. Just don’t go making a habit of it.’
‘I’ll try not to.’ He paused, his smile fading now. ‘How are you doing?’
‘It’s been a mad day, but I’m fine. Tired, but…’
‘Only… well, I know this month is the first anniversary since… you know… your baby…’
‘Ah…’ Zoe gave a short nod. ‘That. I wasn’t going to say anything; it didn’t seem like the right time with Billie being so close to hers.’
‘I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure you wanted to be reminded. Or you might prefer not to talk about it. Did I do wrong?’
‘I don’t think there’s really a right in this case. I appreciate that you even had the dilemma. I know you were trying to help. It’s funny, though, I thought it might be harder than it is, actually.’
Louisa stirred, straining to open her eyes, arms outstretched as if asking to be held.
Zoe couldn’t help herself. She reached into the cot and scooped her out.
She’d smelled it a thousand times, that new baby smell, like the softest talc and cotton and tiny breaths, but never had it been as potent as this.
Alex reached out to stroke her little hands, and she grabbed on to his finger, making him smile, inciting an emotion that caught Zoe by surprise.
There was a pang of loss – she’d been denied holding her own baby like this – but there was longing too, a part of her that, despite the newness of their relationship, suddenly wanted to share this moment with him, but for it to be their baby.
It was a wonderful daydream that racked her with guilt too.
This was Billie’s baby, his moment, not hers.
She shook the thoughts as Louisa settled back into sleep.
‘I wasn’t sure how I’d feel, looking at Billie’s baby but…
’ She shrugged. ‘I suppose I’m used to it now.
I mean, I do deliver babies for a living too, and in the last few weeks I’ve delivered both Ottilie and Georgia’s…
I lost mine, and that will never stop hurting, but I’m happy for everyone else.
Seeing Louisa now, I feel nothing but love.
I know she’s not mine by blood, but I love the little dote already. Look at her… how could you not?’
He circled an arm around her shoulders. ‘You’re amazing, do you know that?’
‘I don’t know about that.’ Zoe wiped a rogue tear from her eye. ‘But I don’t mind if you want to say it again.’
‘I’ll say it on the daily until you get the message. Listen, do you need a minute to go and let your dad know what’s happening? I mean, will the reception still be going? It’s late, but—’
‘I don’t think I want to be anywhere but here right now. I’m sure nobody missed me, and if I’m being very honest, I was secretly glad of the escape route. Is that terrible?’
‘Shocking,’ he said with a low laugh. ‘I won’t tell anyone.’
‘Thanks. I’ll try Dad in a bit.’
‘Once we get Louisa home, things are going to be great,’ Alex said. ‘It might take a bit of adjusting, but we’ll get there.’
Zoe’s gaze went to Billie, sleeping so deeply she’d barely shifted. She loved Alex’s optimism, but something told her it wasn’t going to be quite that simple.