Chapter 9
“ D id Trey know?” I finally managed to whisper, staring at the mass of scars on Mac’s back.
“He knew about the older ones,” he muttered. “He didn’t know she was still doin’ it.”
“Is it ok if I touch you?” I remembered to ask.
He nodded, then said, “Guess I’m gettin’ a taste of my own medicine.”
“What do you mean?” I asked as I ran my fingers across the scars, scrutinizing them.
Madame had obviously cut these into his skin with care, and that was worse.
The lines were precise and thin, cutting just enough to leave a scar but not enough to leave large wounds—enough to cause pain without a ton of blood.
I could practically track her improvement at it across his back.
It was so viciously deliberate . I’d noticed Madame’s skill with a knife in the dungeon.
She never hacked at people, always cutting with steady, practiced movements—now I knew what sort of practice she’d done.
“Well, it’s not really fair if I insist you be honest about how you’re feelin’ if I’m not willing to do the same,” Mac sighed.
He had intense tan lines on his neck and arms, and I realized I’d never seen him without his shirt. Most people removed their shirts when they were working outside in the heat, but Mac never did. I’d never thought twice about it, but now I understood why.
“How old were you when she started doin’ this?” I asked, my fingers pausing on one of the older scars.
“I’m guessin’ Trey told you about my dad?” he asked, and I nodded. “I was seven when he died. I didn’t know he was leadin’ a rebellion. He kept it all secret so he wouldn’t implicate me, but after he passed, Madame threw me in a cell for a few days.” He paused. “The one you were in.”
The horrible, pressing darkness flashed through my mind, making my skin crawl.
“I was so fuckin’ scared. Madame came and visited me several times a day, and sometimes she was nice, almost like a mother, but other times…
” I could only see his profile as he stared at the wall, but the muscles in his face were tense.
“Other times, she came in with a couple of her men and had them hold me down so she could carve up my back.”
“Why didn’t anyone stop her?” Fury caught fire in my chest.
“No one knew. Madame did a good job puttin’ on an act in front of the hold, presenting herself as someone who wasn’t afraid to do what needed to be done for the good of the hold.
I was too young to remember, but a gang of raiders blackmailed the previous leader, and for a while, a whole host of raiders moved in and did whatever they wanted.
Madame took over by force but framed it like saving the hold.
She executed all the raiders terrorizing the people, and everyone was grateful for it. ”
My fingers were still moving gently across his back, but I wasn’t really examining the scars anymore so much as I was just…touching him and trying to provide comfort.
“But then people who disagreed with her started disappearing. She started enforcing strict rules like curfews and limiting food. Her late partner Viper would go out with a crew and return with crates of weapons and more men. Suddenly, she had a small army. I know it sounds real obvious in hindsight, but my dad always said when water heats up slowly, a frog doesn’t even know it’s bein’ boiled to death until it’s too late. ”
I grimaced at the comparison, but I understood it.
“I never liked her, but I never would’ve guessed she could be like she was under the watchtower—cruel and unhinged.” He turned to give me a grim smile. “As you well know.”
I dropped my hands from his back and balled them into tight fists in my lap. He scanned my face with a frown.
“What’s goin’ on in that head?” he asked, buttoning his shirt back up.
“I’m feelin’ a lot less guilty I killed her,” I muttered.
He blinked. “You felt guilty?”
I tried to push away the memory of how it’d felt to slash that knife through Madame’s neck, how the blood had sprayed, and the awful noise she made. “I don’t…I don’t like killin’ people.” My skin prickled as I remembered the look on his face when he came and got me from Nemo. “And you were so mad.”
“Bones,” he snapped, “I wasn’t mad ’cause you killed her.”
I glanced up at him, furrowing my brow slightly. He stared at me, his eyes intense.
“I was mad you took that risk all by yourself. You didn’t let any of us help you. You sent Griz on a wild goose chase to get him out of the way, for fuck’s sake.”
I blinked in surprise.
His eyes narrowed. “Did you seriously think I was mad at you for killin’ her?”
“I don’t know, you always seem mad at me,” I muttered.
“Only when you throw yourself in front of every threat like you’re the size of Griz.” He gave me a stern look, but his eyes looked lighter. “You’re not, by the way.”
I rolled my eyes, and his lips twitched up. I took a drink of broth, and he studied his clasped hands. When he cleared his throat, I glanced back up at him. He leaned forward slightly, his gaze intense.
“I lost my best friend, my brother,” his voice sounded rough, “and I don’t want to lose you, too.”
The emotion in his eyes startled me. It was like quicksand—if I stepped in, I’d never get back out. Feeling like a coward, I dropped my gaze to my hands.
“Bones,” he sounded irritated, “will you stop lookin’ so surprised I care about what happens to you?”
I felt my face heat again. “I will when you stop glarin’ at me all the time.”
He snorted, and I looked back up.
“What?”
“You glare at everybody all the time.”
“I do not,” I said, offended.
He grinned. “You serious?”
I glared at him, then realized what I was doing and attempted to stop. His grin widened until both dimples appeared.
“Why did you work for her?”
The words tumbled out of my mouth, and I immediately wished I could take them back as his grin vanished, a mix of pain and guilt flashing through his eyes.
“You don’t have to?—”
“No, it’s ok,” he interrupted. “I’ve been wantin’ to tell you all of this for a while now.
Just never really seemed like a good time.
” He took a breath and let it out before starting.
“When I was in that cell, Ana, Trey’s mom, was trying to get custody of me.
I guess she was about ready to storm the watchtower even though she was real pregnant with Clarity.
” He smiled slightly, his eyes sad. “Madame finally told me I could go live with them, but to remember I belonged to her. She threatened to hurt Ana and Trey if I ever went against her, and I was so fuckin’ scared of what she might do, I swore I’d do whatever she wanted.
“Most kids join the guards at thirteen, but she came and took me when I was ten. I think she was expecting the other trainees to kill me in the barracks. Maybe she even told ’em to, ’cause they sure as hell tried.
” His smile was grim. “Once I realized she let the crew leaders make their own rules, I thought if I could just become a crew leader, I could make a place for the people I cared about, where they could be safe. So, I did whatever I needed to do to get it. I killed five of the other trainees, the other kids, with my bare hands before they started leaving me alone. I made myself into someone I barely recognized, someone who people feared.” He swallowed hard, and I could feel his remorse.
“Sometimes I think Trey joined the guard ’cause he was afraid of how far I’d go if he wasn’t there to stop me.
“Bein’ a crew leader became an obsession.
It was the only thing I thought about. An’ I got it, but Madame was still hurting other people, and everyone thought I’d become a monster.
If it weren’t for Trey collecting all the other outcasts in the barracks, I probably wouldn’t have had much of a crew after training.
Ana kept tryin’ to talk to me, tryin’ to get me to open up, but I spent years ignoring everyone outside my small circle and trying to focus on what I could control.
Then Ana died because, despite everything I’d done to keep her safe, I couldn’t save her from bleedin’ to death in childbirth with Trey and Clarity’s baby sister.
And Trey…” He smiled, but his eyes were wet.
“Trey cared about everyone and couldn’t ignore the suffering. ”
The pieces of my heart ached so fiercely my eyes overflowed again. Mac offered his hand palm up like he did under the watchtower. When I took it, he curled his warm fingers around my shaky hand—quietly comforting.
“I was so angry at him when he got caught passing messages.” His voice was rough with emotion.
“I was furious he joined the rebels and didn’t fuckin’ tell me.
I was—” He swallowed, his eyes drifting to somewhere over my head, “I was an asshole about it. It felt like after everythin’ I’d done and sacrificed to keep him and our family safe—” his voice broke, and I squeezed his hand, tears still streaming down my face.
“It felt like he just threw it all away. I was so fuckin’ desperate.
I contacted someone I knew on Wrangler’s crew.
I had some savings, so I used some of it to bribe my contact to pass me any info that might be useful.
I wanted any sort of bargaining chip I could find.
A day later, he radioed back and said he had somethin’ huge, but he wanted more for the info.
I promised him the rest of my savings, and he told me Wrangler had a lead on Juck’s secret weapon. ”
Even though I knew it was coming, I still felt sick. I didn’t blame Mac. I would’ve done the same thing to save Trey’s life. I should have.