Chapter 9 #2
“I was gonna bargain with Madame for me and Trey to go.” He continued, still staring off into space.
“But Griz found out and just about kicked my ass. So I told him the crew could vote on it.” He shook his head, grimacing.
“They voted unanimously to come. So I brought it to Madame, swore I would be personally responsible for Trey, and I’d hand over Juck’s secret weapon if she spared his life.
She finally agreed, but she made it clear if we failed, we might as well never come back here ?cause she’d execute all of us.
Honestly, I would have taken my crew, collected the weapon, and disappeared, but I couldn’t leave Clarity behind, and Madame knew that.
Trey was fuckin’ pissed when he found out what I’d done and what I’d promised Madame.
He almost refused to come, but I guilted him hard, using Clarity and everythin’ I’d been through as leverage.
Trey finally relented, but he was still angry.
And then, when we got that safe open and found it empty except for this woman covered in blood,” his eyes met mine, sharp with pain, “I thought for sure I’d failed all of them.
I would’ve left you there, but Trey put his foot down.
When you ran, and the mercs lost their shit, I realized you must be valuable and thought maybe I hadn’t fucked everythin’ up.
So I took off after you and Trey and caught up to you just after you healed him.
” He averted his eyes. “I hit you in the back of the head with my gun, and I’m so sorry. ”
“It’s ok,” I whispered, and his eyes snapped back to mine.
“It’s not ok. I hit you fuckin’ hard, and you crumpled so fast I thought I killed you for a second. I probably almost did.” He inhaled a deep breath and let it out slow. “Trey lost his shit on me and showed me how you’d just saved his life, but I didn’t want to feel guilty, so I just stayed angry.”
“I wasn’t very nice to you, either,” I pointed out.
“At least you had a good reason. Not unreasonable to hate the person who fuckin’ kidnapped you and brought you somewhere where you had to watch people get tortured. You healed me in the dungeon, saved my life, and I was still an asshole to you, and I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
“Mac.” I fixed him with the fiercest look I could muster, with tears still leaking down my face. “I don’t blame you. And you already apologized for this.”
“I know,” he said, his face so serious, “but I didn’t tell you the whole story.”
We stared at each other for a moment.
“You didn’t have to tell me all that. I’m sorry if that sounded like I was…judging you or something,” I finally said. “I’m not. I stayed with Juck for twelve years despite…everything.”
“You say that like you woulda been free to leave if you wanted.” He raised an eyebrow.
“Well, you weren’t, either.”
He gave me a rueful smile. “I wanted to tell you.”
Silence fell, but I didn’t let go of his hand, and he didn’t pull away.
“How did you find me?” I asked eventually.
“Apple saw them taking you out of the hold.” My entire body tensed, but his thumb stroked my hand as he quickly continued, “She didn’t try to interfere. She came and got me.”
Relief made me shaky as the memory of Zip hitting Apple played through my head.
“We went after you, but they were movin’ too fast, and we lost the tracks after a bit.
We had to return to the hold, and Nemo got out some old maps of Madame’s and found a few places he thought they might use for shelter.
Nemo divided everyone up into three teams, and everybody armed up and went out after you.
We got lucky that you were at the place we went. ”
I stared at the floor, my brain piecing together the resources and time Nemo must have used. Would he expect me to pay him back for that?
“What?” Mac asked, and I glanced up to see him studying me.
“That’s a lot,” I muttered.
Mac frowned, “A lot of what?”
“Resources he used.”
“And?”
“Now I owe him for that.”
His frown deepened. “You don’t owe him. He used all those resources cause someone fuckin’ kidnapped you.”
I raised my eyebrows, my lips twitching with the insane urge to smile again. “What, you’re the only one allowed to kidnap me?”
He looked surprised, but then a smirk crossed his face. “Yes.”
A hoarse laugh escaped my lips, and his grin widened.
“I didn’t realize jokin’ about kidnapping you was the key to making you laugh,” he said, those golden sparks in his eyes warming.
“I have a weird sense of humor.”
“I like it.”
My cheeks heated, but a tiny bit of warmth seemed to seep into the empty hole in my chest.
“See, now that’s two nice things I’ve said to you,” he teased.
“Careful, I might get used to it,” I warned.
“Good, but like I said, we’re always gonna come after you if somebody takes you by force, Bones. And not just our crew. The whole damn hold was ready to tear apart the forest to find you.”
I blinked, hoping I didn’t look as off balanced as I felt.
“People here care about you,” he added, nudging my shoulder.
If he kept being nice, I would lose it again. I seized another question to use as a distraction. “How’d you get Wolf to come back here?”
“We didn’t give him much of a choice. We had the advantage of not being shocked by you healing us, so we got the upper hand pretty quick.” He hesitated for a brief moment. “I’m guessin’ the whole witchcraft thing is why he didn’t know about your powers?”
I nodded, my panic spiking again. “Has Wolf…said anything about me healin’ him?”
Mac shook his head, frowning. “No, but he hasn’t said much.”
That did not seem like a good sign.
“The others have asked questions, though. ‘Specially Sable.”
My stomach churned, and I screwed the lid back on the thermos.
“He’s been fillin’ in for you at the clinic. You sure you don’t want more broth?”
I shook my head and handed him the thermos. He took it but held it in his lap, studying me for a few breaths.
“Sable had a lot of questions about you not eating and getting sick,” Mac finally said.
I blanched. “What did you tell him?”
“Nothin’.” He frowned at my surprise. “I wasn’t about to trust ’em until you woke up and could confirm their story. Besides, all I know is what Trey told me about Juck starvin’ you.”
He didn’t ask, but I could see the question on his face. I twisted the blanket in my hands. Let ’em in.
“I didn’t understand why I’d get sick…not for a long time.
And I was always so hungry I’d eat anything I could when he finally let me.
” I hesitated, numbness creeping over me as I spoke.
“There’s somethin’ called refeeding syndrome.
If someone is starved long enough, their body adapts to conserve nutrients, and if you re-introduce food too fast, it makes their body sick.
” I paused, my throat tightening. “It’s often fatal, so I guess it was probably my powers that helped keep my body alive.
But I didn’t know any of that for years until I read about it.
So I just got sick—a lot. And Juck would get…
get real mad if I got sick in the tent. So feeling nauseous started makin’ me really anxious.
And feelin’ anxious made me nauseous, so sometimes I just get…
stuck in a loop.” I swallowed hard. “The only way I know to keep from getting sick is to not eat. And I know that’s not good, but I’m so used to feelin’ hungry, and I’d much rather feel that than nauseous. ”
He stayed quiet for a bit, staring down at the thermos in his hands. “You know none of us will ever get mad at you for gettin’ sick, right?” He glanced up and met my eyes.
“I know,” I held his gaze, hoping he saw the honesty in my face.
“Good,” he said gruffly, then paused. “So, your brother and his crew call you Ember…”
It felt so strange hearing him say my real name, and I felt another surge of grief I would never hear Trey say it. “That’s my real name,” I whispered past the lump in my throat.
“Where’d ‘Bones’ come from?”
I wrinkled my nose, glancing at him, and his expression quickly darkened.
“Are you serious?” he demanded. “We’ve been callin’ you a name that evil bastard gave you this whole time?”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
He sucked in a deep breath, glaring at me for a few seconds, but then he asked, “What name do you want to use?”
I had no fucking idea. “I guess you can call me ‘Em’ if you want.”
“Em,” he repeated in his deep voice, and my eyes overflowed. “What’s wrong?” he asked, frowning.
I didn’t recognize this person I’d become, the soft one always falling apart. “I never told him,” I choked out, pressing my sleeves into my eyes.
“You never told Trey your real name?” he guessed, his voice gentle.
I nodded, forcefully choking back sobs, and he didn’t say anything for a moment.
“He didn’t need to know your real name to know you,” he said. “He knew you. Names are just words.”
I dropped my hands to look at him through the tears. He held my gaze, and it was like staring into a mirror and seeing my grief reflected there.
“Not tellin’ him doesn’t mean you didn’t fully love him,” Mac added.
Well, fuck . I didn’t realize how terrified I’d been of that until he said it. I pressed my sleeves into my eyes again, my shoulders shaking. After a few seconds, he shifted and carefully wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I cried until I was too exhausted to cry anymore.
“You should try to get some sleep.”
“Haven’t I been sleepin’ for twelve days?” I mumbled.
“You really gonna try to tell me you don’t feel exhausted right now?”
He straightened, dropping his arm. When I met his eyes, he raised a questioning eyebrow. I scowled, but I couldn’t argue. My entire body ached with exhaustion.
“Besides, you’re gonna get swarmed in the morning, so you better get all the rest you can.”
“Swarmed?” I repeated, alarmed.
He grinned. “By your crew.”
Your crew. Maybe it was the exhaustion, but those two words brought more tears to my eyes, and I furiously blinked them away.
He stood and set the thermos on a small table before grabbing the chair. “I can move this back where?—”
“You can leave it there,” I blurted out, and he looked at me in surprise. “If you want to.”
“You ok?” he asked.
“Yeah, I just…”
“S’alright, Em, you can tell me.”
“I don’t want to wake up in a different place.”
He sat in the chair and leaned his elbow on the bed next to me, grey eyes fixed on me. “You won’t wake up anywhere else, I promise. I’ll be right here.”
I lay back, relieved. Mac picked up a book lying on the small table and flipped it open to a page with a folded corner.
“What are you reading?” I asked.
“Nemo found a whole stash of books in Madame’s office.” He looked up at me and smiled. “This one’s about building greenhouses.”
“What other kinda books?—”
“No more questions,” he interrupted with a smirk. “You’re supposed to be sleeping.”
I muttered some choice words at him, and he huffed a laugh.
“Hush.” His eyes met mine over his book, crinkling slightly with humor.
I glared at him, vaguely remembering him saying that to me months ago while we rode Violet together.
“Don’t hush me,” I grumbled and was rewarded by another quiet laugh.
In the silence, the only sounds were the crackling of the fire and the whisper of pages turning. He was beside me every time I opened my eyes—a quiet sentinel.