Chapter 12 #3
Next to me, Sam swore low and furious under his breath. I didn’t dare look at any of Wolf’s crew, but I could tell they all stood unnaturally still.
“I know they said I liked it, that I provoked him, that I got off on him hurting me. I know they called me his plaything, his scavenger slut. I know they said I was desperate for his dick and that I loved him. You think they didn’t throw all that shit in my face any chance they got?
The truth is I gave up.” A wild, bitter laugh escaped my lips.
“So there—there’s your godsdamned truth.
The truth is I tried to fight like you taught me, and I lost .
I wasn’t strong enough, and he broke me.
And I know I’m pathetic, but I stopped fighting him ’cause it was real fuckin’ clear no one cared, and no one was comin’ to save me. ”
Wolf inhaled sharply through his teeth, and I knew he heard what I didn’t say—that I’d realized he wasn’t coming to save me.
He started shaking his head, a slow back-and-forth movement, but the spiderweb cracks in his mask widened until I could see the raw pain underneath.
I thought it would make me feel better to force him to understand, but it didn’t.
The utter silence of the room began to wash away my anger and crush my lungs. Tremors ran through my whole body.
“So yes, I was his whore,” I spit the word at him, trying to hold onto that anger, and Wolf flinched.
“I was his Angel , and you know what? I spent every day prayin’ that maybe next time he’d get carried away and accidentally kill me.
At least then, it’d be over. You think I need to suffer for Dune’s death?
Well, good news, I’ve been livin’ in hell this entire time. ”
I couldn’t be in this room any longer. I turned on my heel and fled out the door. No one moved to stop me, and as soon as I was outside, I started to run.
I wanted to return to Trey’s grave, but I knew they’d look there first. So, instead, I let my feet take me to the stables.
The horses were all in the pasture when I arrived, breathless and shaking. Violet’s head popped up as I slid under the fence, and she whinnied at me as she trotted over. She sniffed at Trey’s shirt I wore and looked expectantly behind me. The pain in my chest made it hard to breathe.
“He’s not comin’ back,” I whispered, stroking her neck. “He’s gone.”
She twisted to huff a warm breath in my hair.
“He’s gone,” I said again, and then I was sobbing.
She didn’t move as I buried my face in her warm coat and wrapped my arms around her neck. The future that stretched out before me seemed so bleak. The only life I’d ever dared to want was built in his shape. I couldn’t see a future without him. I didn’t want a future without him.
I heard footsteps approaching, and I felt Violet turn to look, but I didn’t lift my head.
“Well, I don’t know why you were dreadin’ that,” a familiar voice deadpanned. “That was so much fun.”
I turned to glare at Sam, who was stroking Violet’s nose. He dug in his pocket and pulled out another handkerchief.
“How many of these do I have to give you ‘fore you start carryin’ them yourself?”
“I’m not wearin’ any of my own clothes,” I mumbled, taking it.
“Yeah, when do I get to hear that story?” Sam grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.
“There’s nothin’ to hear,” I muttered, wiping at my face.
“I doubt that.”
I stared at the mountains, hating that I couldn’t stop crying.
I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave it behind.
Just talking about the things Juck had done made me feel dirty and broken, like the ragged remains of a baby doll I’d seen half-buried in the ancient rubble of a desert city—once cherished, now trash.
How was it fair that Juck was dead, but I would forever be his Angel, the girl he ruined?
“You’re not pathetic.”
I glanced at Sam when he spoke. He looked more serious than I’d ever seen him.
“A body and mind can only take so much hurt, and anyone who says they could’ve withstood bein’ hurt for that long without breaking is fuckin’ lying.”
I looked away again, my stomach churning. “I didn’t tell him the worst part.”
“There’s somethin’ worse? ” He sounded horrified.
“Sometimes…sometimes he was gentle and kind.” Bile crept up my throat. “When he was like that, sometimes…I think I did love him.”
I’d never admitted that to anyone, even myself. My hands trembled, and I clenched them into fists, immediately regretting saying the words out loud. What sort of person loved someone like Juck? A fucking pathetic, twisted?—
“Emmy,” His voice was soft now, and more tears spilled down my face.
Hearing him call me that nickname made me think of Dune.
“You were a kid—just a little girl who was tortured by a fuckin’ monster.
The worst kinda monsters twist pain and hate up with love.
It’s easy to see the bottom of a lake when it’s still, but if you stir up the bottom and muddy the waters, it’s impossible to see what’s really there.
It’s easy to hate someone who only hurts you, so they muddy the waters with love. ”
He paused, and I glanced at him. He was looking at Violet as he stroked her nose, but there was so much pain in his face.
“My dad used to beat my mom, and I know lots of people have shit dads, but me and my older brother Scout tried so hard to convince her to leave him. Scout even moved to a different hold and worked his ass off to get a house. The plan was for me and our mom to go live with him.” He sighed, his eyes far away.
“But she changed her mind again and wouldn’t leave.
She believed our dad had changed and was gonna treat her right this time.
Scout couldn’t bear to come back, and I couldn’t bear to leave her here alone.
So I joined the guards, but just a couple months later, she was dead. ”
I swiped my leaking eyes with his handkerchief again. It was hard to see him like this. He was always so full of laughter and light. Now I wondered if that was his mask he wore to hide the pain inside.
“I was so angry at my dad for what he did, but I was angry at my mom for a long time, too. I finally opened up about all of this to Mac, Griz, and Trey in training, and they helped me realize how manipulative my dad was and how he’d twisted love with pain to trap her.
Breaking away from a relationship like that is so fuckin’ hard.
” He paused. “The fact you’re standin’ here means you might be the strongest person I know—hell, stronger than Griz even. ”
I didn’t feel strong. I hadn’t really broken away from Juck.
Everything just went to shit, and I did what I had to do to survive.
If he’d killed Vulture after he caught us together and the other powered person hadn’t interfered, there was a good chance I’d still be with Juck, and that made me feel sick.
Desperate to crawl out of the awful hole I’d fallen back into, I focused on his hands as he stroked Violet.
They definitely had a tremor. His once tan skin was still pale and tinged with grey, and his blue eyes were sunken and dulled.
He hadn’t put on any weight or muscle in the past months, and I knew he was trying to.
What if he was getting worse? I couldn’t heal him. What?—
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, quit worryin’ about me,” he said, and he sounded back to his usual annoying self.
“I can’t,” I snapped.
He grinned. “Cause you love me.”
“Cause you’re sick.”
“Sure.” He drew the word out slowly.
“Sam, I mean it,” I said, frustrated.
“It’s ok. You’ll admit you love me one of these days. Hopefully, before I die, but?—”
His words cut off in a grimace as a confusing mix of emotions choked me—my lips twitching up as my eyes welled up again.
“Too far?”
“You’re awful,” I mumbled, wiping fresh tears away with his handkerchief.
“I am,” he agreed readily, stepping closer and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
We stood there for a while, watching Violet and the other horses, and the warmth and weight of his arm helped steady me.
“I hate that my powers hurt you,” the whispered words suddenly tumbled out of my mouth.
“Well, I love that you’re still alive,” Sam retorted.
“Sam—” My voice broke.
His arm tightened around me. “I’m ok, Shortcake.”
“I’m so scared somethin’ is gonna happen to you, and I won’t be able to heal you.”
“If it does, I need you to know it won’t be your fault.”
“That is bullshit ? —”
“No, listen to me,” he turned to face me, gripping my shoulders tightly. There was no trace of humor in his gaunt face. “If I die, and you can’t save me, I’m absolvin’ you of any guilt.”
“You can’t?—”
“I can, and if you insist on blaming yourself, I will haunt you.” A tiny glint of playfulness appeared.
“At least you’d still be here,” I mumbled, thinking of the silence at Trey’s grave.
“You say that now,” he countered, grinning. “Might change your mind after my ghost knocks all those tiny little bottles off the hutch every damn day.”
“Sam, just, please...please promise to tell me if you feel like you’re gettin’ worse?”
He studied me, his face going serious again.
“Please, Sam?” My voice trembled.
He sighed. “Alright, I can promise that.”
We stood in silence for a while longer, just watching the horses. I tried to rein in my fear, but it struck me like a bolt of lightning how terrified I was to lose Sam. I took a deep, shuddering breath and wrapped my arm around his waist, trying to keep myself from clinging to him.
“You can call me ‘Emmy’…if you want,” I whispered. “Dune used to call me that.”
He rested his chin on top of my head, and I could hear his smile. “You tryin’ to get rid of ‘Shortcake’?”
A small smile crossed my face. “I don’t mind ‘Shortcake.’”
“Hey!”
We both looked up to see Griz striding toward us. He was studying us carefully, but his voice was casual, as though I hadn’t just dumped over a decade of horror on them.
“You two want to come to the canteen for dinner? Bell’s about to ring.”
They’d been inviting me to dinner for months, and I always said no. But I did not want to sit in the clinic by myself—or worse, alone with Wolf and his crew.
“Sure,” I said.
“I’ll bring you—” Griz started before his eyes snapped to my face, full of surprise. “Wait, did you say yes?”
I nodded, unable to resist the slight smile curling over my lips.
“Apple is gonna lose it,” Griz warned with an answering grin. “She doesn’t know you woke up yet.”
“Oh, this is gonna be fun,” Sam cackled.