Chapter 25 #2
Wolf turned his head and looked at her. She said something to him in that hand language they used, and he scrubbed a hand through his hair and let out a heavy sigh before he replied.
I glanced at the rest of his pack, noting how they were all watching my brother, concern and care clear on their faces.
It was the least guarded I’d seen any of them, and it struck me like a bolt of lightning that they really did love him.
They cared about him. They were a family.
Part of me was glad, relieved that he had them.
A more selfish and dark part of me seethed.
I hated that Wolf found a family and got to spend the last decade with them.
I hated that they were looking at him with sympathy, clearly concerned about how he must feel hearing about his little sister’s horrible life.
How sad for Wolf to have to listen to this shit.
I was the one who had to fucking live it.
“Where are you going?” Wolf asked, his voice sharp again, as I started toward the door.
“Breakfast,” I said without looking back, slamming the door behind me.
Warm air greeted me outside, but it did nothing to ease the chill that clung to me. I wrapped my arms around myself, focusing on holding myself together.
“Ember!”
My stomach dropped at the sight of Sable jogging to catch up.
“I’ll walk with you,” he said as he reached me.
“You don’t have to do that,” I replied stiffly.
“I want to.”
Fucking great. I continued on, my arms still wrapped around my torso, trying to stay an arm’s length away. Sable kept pace beside me but said nothing for several agonizing seconds.
“I wanted to apologize.”
I stole a glance at him through my hair. He was looking at me with a serious expression, and nausea swept over me.
“Kai is…very protective of me…and us , but he’s overreacted several times, and you did not deserve that.”
I didn’t answer, staring at the muddy path as though it needed my undivided attention. I knew he wanted a response, but I had none.
“You seem…uncomfortable around me,” Sable finally continued. “If I’ve done anything to make you feel that way, I’d like to apologize for that, too.”
I wished I was anywhere else. “I’m not,” I lied.
“Ember,” his tone was gently reprimanding, “that’s clearly a lie.”
“Haven’t you been listening to Wolf? That’s what I do,” I muttered, my tone bitter.
He huffed a laugh through his nose. “If you want my opinion, I think you do lie a lot, but not about the things Wolf suspects.”
I never would have imagined anything worse than my older brother finally hunting me down, but Wolf showing up with a whole crew of people who thought they knew me and were invested— that was worse.
“My theory,” Sable continued after I didn’t speak, “is that it has something to do with the fact that Wolf lost his head when you first told him you’d been with the Reapers and that he brought me and my past into it.”
My shoulders were so tense it felt like they were up around my ears.
“If that’s true, I want you to know I don’t hold it against?—”
“Don’t,” I blurted out.
He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t what?”
Don’t forgive me. I longed to shout; instead, I bit out, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I know it’s not easy,” he said, his voice frustratingly steady, “but I don’t want there to be any bad blood between us.”
“There’s not,” I said, trying to inject as much force into my voice as possible. “I’m fine.”
He frowned at me. “Is it because I’m a healer?”
“It’s not anything, ” I snapped.
His brow furrowed even more, but I picked up my pace.
There were countless things I would never be able to forgive myself for from the past twelve years, but the dozens of times I did nothing as the Reapers shoved screaming people—mothers and children —into those trailers and delivered them to a monster felt the most unforgivable.
I glanced behind me to see Sable trailing behind, frowning sadly, making guilt spike through me.
No wonder Kai thought I was such a bitch.
Even if I wanted to, I’d never be able to accurately explain the agony of having every single door from my past ripped off the hinges, exposing all the horrible ugliness inside.
I was trying. I was trying so damn hard, but Sable and Mad Dog—it was too much.
I went around the corner of a house and walked straight into a body. I bounced off and would have fallen on my ass if the person hadn’t grabbed my arm and caught me.
“Sorry,” I hurried to say, but the rest of my apology died on my lips as I met Hawk’s dark gaze.
“You’re sorry,” he repeated with a smile that didn’t come anywhere near his eyes.
“I am.” My voice trembled. “I’m so sorry, Hawk?—”
His grip tightened painfully on my arm as he jerked me closer and got in my face, fury flashing through his eyes. “I don’t want your apologies, Bones. You ruined?—”
“Hey!” Sable called from behind me, his voice sharp.
Hawk straightened, an amicable mask quickly sliding over his face. “Sorry, Bones, I should’ve been watchin’ where I was going better.” He smiled politely at Sable, but his grip on my arm tightened even further. “Sable, isn’t it? I’m Hawk.”
Sable didn’t respond, and Hawk’s fingers squeezed until I had to focus on keeping the pain off my face.
“You sure you’re okay, Bones?” Hawk asked, and that smile was still on his face, but his eyes were hard as his fingers crushed my arm. “Sorry again for bumpin’ into you.”
“It’s okay.” I hoped my voice sounded steady. “My fault.”
He finally released my throbbing arm, still smiling, and I had to resist the urge to rub it.
“Well, have a good day.”
He stepped around me, nodded politely at Sable, and disappeared. I didn’t move for a few seconds, trying to breathe normally.
“What was that about?” Sable asked.
“I just walked into him.”
I forced my feet to move and pushed the side door to the canteen open before he could ask any more questions.
“Hi, Bones!” Neena called from where she was chopping up some vegetables in the warm kitchen. She had her long black hair in one thick single braid today. “There’s a pot of broth on the stove and some leftovers on the shelf.”
I fixed myself a small plate as Sable lingered quietly near the door. I saw Neena glance at him curiously a few times.
“You want to pull up a chair and eat in here?” she asked as I ladled some broth into a mug.
“Uh, sure,” I said, mostly to put off walking back to the clinic alone with Sable.
I found a chair and pulled it up to the metal table she was working at. Sable silently did the same, sitting beside me. I awkwardly used my left hand to hold my fork, letting my aching right arm rest in my lap.
“Where’s Neka?” I asked between bites.
“Meeting with Nemo about the crop rotation. They’re finalizing their plan for this spring.” She glanced at Sable and explained, “Neka is my twin brother.”
“Is it just the two of you working the kitchen?” Sable asked.
Neena smiled. “Most of the time, it’s just the two of us, but more people come in a few hours before meals so they can help. Our moms were in charge of the kitchen before us, and we took over for them after they passed.”
I saw Sable notice her missing finger.
“It’s okay,” Neena said, noticing as well, “you can ask.”
“I’m sorry.” Sable grimaced. “I’m a healer, so I notice those things.”
“Madame took my finger,” Neena said. “She suspected her partner was poisoned by a man named Hojo who worked in the kitchen.”
I almost dropped my fork, my stomach roiling.
“She took my finger as punishment for allowing it to happen in my kitchen.”
“Was he poisoned?” Sable asked, his voice utterly devoid of judgment.
Neena studied him for a second before simply replying, “Yes.”
I blinked. That was news to me. Trey had implied that Viper died of the fever, but maybe he didn’t know.
“It wasn’t Hojo, though,” Neena continued, sorrow coating her words. “He took the fall for me.”
“What happened to Hojo?” Sable asked.
“Madame killed him.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Sable murmured.
“He was a good man,” Neena smiled, but her eyes were wet. “He never broke under Madame’s torture.”
I shoved another forkful into my mouth, the food tasting like ash, and abruptly stood. “Sorry.” I hoped I sounded normal. “I just…I should get back.”
Neena nodded, her expression hard to read.
Sable stood as well, thanking Neena politely, but I bolted out the door.
I strode as fast as my legs could carry me, sucking in breaths through my nose and letting them out of my mouth as I tried not to picture Hojo’s gaunt, broken body.
Nemo’s words from the other day suddenly rose in my head.
I believe everyone you healed in that room felt the same. They knew your pain and felt your comfort. You probably gave more people the strength to hold fast than you even realize.
Gods, I hoped that was true.
“Ember?”
I heard Sable jogging to catch up with me again and swore darkly under my breath.
“Based on your reaction, I’m guessin’ you were there for that.”
I didn’t answer, still speed-walking down the worn dirt path.
“It doesn’t seem like Neena blames you,” he added.
“She might not know,” I bit out.
“Do people not know?” he sounded surprised.
I shrugged. I had no idea who knew what. It wasn’t like I was going around asking.
“I would be willing to bet most people do know,” Sable said. “Nemo has been pretty transparent about things from what I’ve seen.”
Great.
He didn’t say anything for a while, simply matching my fast pace.
“You know, when I first met Wolf, he was consumed by guilt,” Sable suddenly said in a low voice.
“Most of it was guilt over things he never had any control over, but he was allowing it to fester into something deadly.” He paused.
“You remind me a lot of how he was then.”
I really fucking wished they would stop comparing me to my brother.
“Wolf and I were together for a while,” he added, and that shocked me enough that I glanced at him.
He smiled slightly at my expression. “We weren’t a good match, or maybe it was just the wrong time.
He couldn’t get over his guilt, and I let my trauma get between us.
It reached a point where we knew if we stayed together, it would ruin any chance of us staying friends. ”
His voice was even, but I could feel the heaviness in him.
“I loved your brother—I’ll probably always love him—but he lost years to his guilt and trying to follow the teachings from your hold. Neither of us wants to see you take the same path.”
My lips twisted upward in a bitter mockery of a smile.
“What’s that look for?” he asked quietly.
I didn’t answer.
“Ember, we’re concerned about how you close yourself off to everyone?—”
My temper boiled over, and I came to a stop, the words pouring out of me.
“I’m not my brother. I’m not even the girl he told you stories about.
How many fucking times do I have to tell you all?
That girl is dead. I’m whatever broken pieces were left, and trust me, I don’t like how I put myself back together, either! ”
He held my gaze. The wind blew our hair around our faces. Somehow, it made him look even more beautiful while making me feel like a mess.
“You should hate me! Do you know how many people I watched Juck shove in those trailers? How many people I ignored when they begged me for help? How many people I watched Juck drag out and beat or cut their tongues out or…or worse because they annoyed him?”
“You were a child, Ember,” he said, his voice soft.
“I could’ve done something, ” I hissed. “I only tried once. I should’ve tried every damn time.”
“And what happened the one time you tried?”
I fought the surge of nausea at remembering Juck’s reaction and focused on Sable. His calmness enraged me. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I put my safety over hundreds of people…of children. ”
“If Juck hadn’t been there—if it was just you and you could freely choose, would you have still done nothing?”
“No,” I snapped, horrified.
“But you weren’t in control, were you? You didn’t have a choice. You couldn’t stop what was happening. Only Juck could do that, and he decided to hurt people, not you.”
“Do you honestly expect me to believe you wouldn’t have done anything?”
Pain filled his face. “Yes, because that’s exactly what I did for years.”
We stared at each other for a few breaths.
“In Mad Dog’s garrison, the guards often came into the slave quarters at night and took slaves for many disgusting reasons.
Sometimes, it was to punish someone who was too difficult or loud.
Sometimes it was to find someone to fuck.
Mad Dog had my younger sister in his harem, and I was determined to get out and rescue her.
So, those nights when the guards came? I didn’t try to interfere or defend the other slaves.
I stayed quiet and small and tried to be invisible.
” Pain deepened in the lines of his face, and I struggled to push down the memories of all the times I tried to do the same.
“And after I discovered she was dead, I made my escape alone. I didn’t try to take anyone with me. I saved only myself.”
The memory of Vulture’s face when I left him bleeding out in Juck’s tent flashed through my head, and I bit my lip hard.
“I nearly let the survivor’s guilt destroy me,” he continued quietly.
“I became a Ghostmark. I killed hundreds of people simply because someone paid me to do so. Maybe they were guilty, maybe they were innocent; it doesn’t really matter.
I took their lives because I didn’t value mine.
” He paused, smiling sadly. “And then I met this handsome broody stranger obsessed with finding his little sister, and I realized I had the power to be the person I needed when I was helpless…to be the person my sister needed when she was helpless.”
I’m not your sister, I wanted to snap, but I didn’t.
He cocked his head slightly. “Why did you take on caring for all the orphans? Why did you jump in that pit to save Sky?”
I pressed my lips together. I didn’t know why I did those things. I just knew I couldn’t not do them.
“Why do you want me to hate you?” he pressed.
“Please leave me alone,” I said, my voice trembling.
When I turned and strode away, I could have cried with relief that he didn’t try to follow.