Chapter 26
I went to my hiding spot in the apple trees by the wall. The tree buds looked like they were seconds away from bursting into blooms. I sat under one of the gnarled trees and leaned against the trunk.
Maybe Sam was right; maybe I did always run away.
I sighed and hugged my legs to my chest, dropping my forehead onto my knees. I don’t know how long I sat there, letting my mind drift before I felt him approaching. I didn’t know how I felt him approaching, just that I did.
“See? That list is comin’ in handy already,” Mac said as he sat next to me.
I huffed without raising my head.
“I was waitin’ for you and Sable to get back, but then he came back without you. I almost shot him first and asked questions later.”
I turned my head so my temple lay on my knees and looked at him. He met my eyes and raised an eyebrow.
“So, Sable wanted to talk to you?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I mumbled, then switched to mental communication without a second thought. “ He wanted to know why I disliked him.”
Mac was quiet for a few breaths. “Do you not like him?”
Instead of answering, I let the memory of him showing me his brand and the Reapers trafficking people to Mad Dog play through my head. It was strange how quickly I was getting used to this form of communication with Mac, and even stranger was how comfortable I felt with it.
“Fuck,” he muttered.
“How’s Lana?”
His eyes narrowed at the change in subject. “Angry, but healthy.”
“What’s gonna happen to her?”
“I think next time we go to Lone Pine, we’re gonna drop her off, but we gotta meet a contact of Nemo’s in Liberty first. We’re leavin’ later this afternoon. We’ll be gone for three nights.”
I felt a pang of disappointment.
“Does this have to do with the uprising?” I asked.
“Kinda. We’re trying to build a better radio tower to reach farther.” He hesitated, then added, “Sam’s comin’ on this one .”
My head shot up. “What?”
“This contact…well, he knows Sam. We could do it without him, but it’s gonna be a helluva lot easier if Sam comes.”
Fear made my skin prickle. “Is it going to be dangerous?”
“Shouldn’t be, but you never know.”
I stared at him, my mind whirling, but none of the frantic things I wanted to say came out of my mouth.
“I’ll keep him safe, Em,” he murmured.
I swallowed hard and forced myself not to beg him to order Sam to stay here.
“You know, this is what the rest of us have to deal with all the time, knowing people might get hurt and not being able to heal them magically.”
“I hate it,” I muttered.
He snorted, shaking his head, then added, “Oh, Raven wanted me to tell you that when we get back, you’re starting training.”
I groaned.
“I’d say you’ll be fine, but I don’t want to lie.”
He was smiling wide enough that both dimples were out. I tried to jab him with my elbow, but he caught it with one hand, still grinning.
“Just think, you might be able to land a hit like that with some training,” he teased.
“Oh fuck off,” I grumbled at him, but with no heat in it.
“I could hear Sable’s thoughts when he came back,” he said suddenly, still holding my elbow. “He was worried about you. I don’t think he holds any grudges against you for the things Juck did.” His face grew serious. “Which is good ’cause he shouldn’t. If he did, he and I would be havin’ a talk.”
“Mac—"
“Trey mentioned a few times that you were lookin’ for atonement.”
My stomach lurched.
“And I’m just wonderin’, if no one blames you, who are you lookin’ for atonement from?”
“Some people do blame me,” I muttered, careful to keep Hawk’s face from my thoughts.
“Blame you for what?”
“For doing whatever I was told, even if it hurt someone else.”
“Seems shitty to blame the person who didn’t have a choice.”
“I did have a choice, Mac, and I chose myself.”
“I don’t think it’s that simple.” He released my elbow and spoke out loud, “Do you remember when I came into the clinic and questioned you about…well, the escaped prisoner who turned out to be Lee?” He waited until I nodded and continued, “You said somethin’ to me I haven’t been able to forget.”
I couldn’t remember what I’d said at that moment. Mostly, I remembered Mac trapping me against the sink and my confusion over why Trey hadn’t taken the opportunity to lie to Mac and hurt me back.
“You said, ‘Why are you in here using your scary asshole act on me?’”
I stared at him, my brow furrowing, and his lips twitched up.
“Em, most of the people here thought I was a scary asshole, but you saw right through it.”
I stayed quiet, just watching him.
“I’m not sayin’ I’ve never been an asshole.
I have, and I’m sure I’ll be one again, but you were right.
The scary asshole thing was an act… one I’d been doin’ for so long I forgot it wasn’t who I was or who I wanted to be.
It was just the only thing I could do to survive and keep people safe.
” He ran a hand through his unruly hair, exhaling heavily through his nose.
“I’ll carry remorse about the other kids I killed as long as I live, but I didn’t start those fights.
I didn’t attack them or plan on killin’ them.
They made their decisions, and I was forced to make mine.
I don’t know if either of us were ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ just kids put in a desperate situation by adults who did know better.
” He paused, raising an eyebrow. “Sound familiar?”
I grimaced and didn’t answer, but we both knew it did.
“So I'm just sayin’ I know a little bit about bein’ forced to become something you’re not to survive and how hard it is to let that person go when it's safe.”
I stared at the dry leaf crumbling to tiny pieces in my hands. I had no idea what to say.
“Just think about it, alright?”
I reluctantly nodded, then changed the subject. “Did you get a hold of your contacts in Angel City?”
He frowned and shook his head. “No, that’s why we’re trying to get a stronger radio signal goin’.
I’m guessin’ most of their radio towers are down, so they’re probably stuck usin’ the smaller radios.
Nemo was lookin’ through some of the old logs, and it sounds like before they got those towers operating again about fifty years ago, the Vault had no contact with most of the larger strongholds. ”
“I didn’t know the Voiceless were takin’ over,” I admitted. “Juck talked about them a lot, but he never said anythin’ about uprisings or battles.”
He looked surprised, but it felt less judgmental than Wolf’s reaction. “What’d he talk about then?”
“Their beliefs and shit. He used to be one of them.”
Mac’s eyebrows almost launched off his face. “Juck used to be one of the Voiceless?”
“That’s what he told me.”
He frowned. “And they let him leave?”
“He said they parted ways, but I think there was more to it. He was always real careful to keep us from ever crossing paths with them. One time, we saw a couple of prophets in a town, and he nearly wrenched my arm off, dragging me in the other direction.”
Mac’s eyes went distant. “Interesting.”
“Sometimes it feels like nothin’ in my life makes sense,” I mumbled, plucking at some fresh shoots of grass.
“Just sometimes?”
His wide smile was contagious. I liked this side of him when he was relaxed and teasing . I noticed his smile widening and remembered he could hear me. I vividly pictured myself flipping him off, and he laughed out loud.
His laughter cut off abruptly, and I looked up in alarm to see him clutching his head, his eyes screwed shut in pain.
“Mac?” I lunged toward him, intending to grab his bare forearms, but he held out a hand, stopping me.
“I’m alright,” he groaned.
“Yeah, looks like it,” I snapped, hovering next to him on my knees.
He made a choked sound that might have been a laugh. “Just gettin’ hit with a lot of thoughts at once.”
It took my brain a moment to catch up— other people’s thoughts. He was hearing other people’s thoughts.
“How many people are you hearing at once?” I asked.
He grimaced. “All of ’em, I think.”
“All…of the crew?”
“Nope. The whole hold.”
My lips parted in shock as I stared at him. I tried to imagine hearing over a hundred people’s thoughts at once and felt nauseous.
“Started happenin’ early this morning. So far, I’ve managed to kinda force ’em back, but—” His voice cut off again as he winced.
“What if I…try to help? Maybe my powers can help?” I asked, fidgeting anxiously.
“Can’t always rely on your powers,” he said through gritted teeth. “Gotta figure this out.”
I sat beside him, feeling helpless as I watched sweat bead on his forehead, his muscles tense, and his jaw clench. It felt like a long time before he let out a shaky breath and opened his eyes. They still looked pained.
“Better?” I asked, my eyes wide with worry.
“A little, yeah,” he mumbled. “Quieter, at least.”
I forced myself to go silent and wait, resisting the urge to examine him as my fingers twitched. After a few more minutes, he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his brow.
“What the fuck is happening to me?” he muttered.
Maybe the relief from seeing the pain fade from his face made me lightheaded, but the teasing words tumbled from my lips. “Well, you see, when a boy becomes a man, there’s this thing called puberty?—"
His head snapped up to look at me, and the expression on his face was so full of stunned disbelief that I started laughing, unable to finish my sentence. His dimples appeared as he grinned.
“You’re funny,” he said, and there was an odd note in his voice. “How’d I not know that?”
My laugh faded. “Nothin’ felt funny for a long time.”
I watched his throat bob as he swallowed. “Until Trey?”
When would his name stop hurting? “Until all of you.”
He smiled, but it looked sad. “Makes sense,” he said in a low, rough voice.
I focused on him, trying to keep from falling apart at the thought of Trey. He was breathing a little fast, and his face looked clammy. I desperately wanted to take his pulse, but I wasn’t sure?—