22.
FARRAH
“Are you sure you don’t mind taking your own car?” Zoey asked as I walked toward the door.
“I don’t mind at all,” I assured her. “Do you mind if Moe goes with me for company?”
“I’ll only mind if you don’t bring me back some jerky from that place I love down there. I’ll give you directions on how to find it and a list of what I want. You can use the credit card to buy it, just bring me the receipt.”
“So, you want me to take the credit card and the gas card, right?”
“Yes, please.”
“Get the list together, and I’ll go find Moe,” I told her. “Will they have everything ready for me to pick up when I get there?”
“Yes, ma’am. I already spoke to Connie, and she’s expecting you.”
“Sounds good.”
I walked out into the store and looked around for Moe, and when I didn’t see her, I walked around the desk to pick up the phone. Only because I knew how much it irritated her to be paged, I dialed the number for the intercom system and asked her to come to the front.
In less than a minute, I heard her muttering under her breath and grinned when she walked around the corner and glared at me.
“What?” Moe growled.
“Wanna take a road trip?”
“I’m working, dork.”
“It’s to run an errand for Zoey. We need to go pick up some seeds from a grower about an hour away so we can get another round of geraniums started for the fall sale.”
“I want road snacks.”
“As long as you don’t ask for road head, we’ll be fine.”
It was rare to shock Moe, but when it happened, it was a beautiful thing. She threw her head back and laughed so loudly that everyone within hearing distance couldn’t help but smile, and I knew that was exactly what was happening all over the building right now.
“You’ve become quite the pervert since you started getting sex on a regular basis.”
“If that’s what it takes to become a perv, I can’t imagine what you’ll be like when you finally get laid.”
“Farrah, it’s been so long since I had sex, my vertical smile has turned into a penis fly trap. If a dick gets anywhere near it, she’s gonna go carnivore and gobble it up.”
“That’s the most disgusting visual I’ve ever had.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I just threw up in my mouth,” Zoey said from somewhere behind me. She walked up beside me, still frowning at Moe, and thrust a list and two credit cards my way. “You should go before she says anything else.”
“I’m not sure I want her riding with me now,” I said in disgust as I took everything from Zoey. “I’m a little worried that we’ll get on the road and her vajayjay will eat my passenger seat.”
“I hate to say this, Farrah, but that would only be an improvement.”
I frowned at Zoey before I said, “I’ll have you know that car’s a classic!”
“A classic piece of shit,” Moe muttered as she walked toward the door. “But I still make it look good!”
◆◆◆
“Do you realize you’ve been eating for a solid hour?”
“They’re road snacks.”
“So?”
“They don’t count. It’s like eating while you’re watching a movie. Those calories don’t count either.”
“Do you lay awake at night and catalog things to say that make you sound crazy, or do they just come out naturally?”
“I’m serious. When you go to the theater and eat popcorn, it doesn’t count against your diet or calories or whatever the fuck you’re tracking at the time. And since that shit they put on it isn’t real butter and corn is a vegetable, it’s good for you. Now, when you eat popcorn, you’ve gotta have Milk Duds afterward, but they’re a dairy product, so they’re good for you too.”
“Milk Duds are not a dairy item, Moe.”
“It says it in the name, Farrah,” Moe retorted sarcastically.
“We’re not at the movies, and so far, you’ve eaten pork rinds, Corn Nuts, and half a bag of beef jerky. Your breath could raze a small town.” Moe leaned closer to me and let out a long breath, and without thinking, I flinched away. “Stop fucking with me. I’m driving.”
“Does this car even go the speed limit?”
“I’m one below it right now!”
“Ten over is highway speed. Everyone knows that.”
“Everyone who doesn’t want to get a ticket knows you’re full of shit.”
“You can get a ticket for going too slow too. Did you know that?” Moe asked.
As if she’d called him out of the atmosphere, a trooper sped up behind us and hit his lights.
“Are you fucking serious right now?” I yelled.
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I doubt that . . .” Moe snapped her head around to look behind us as I pulled over onto the shoulder. “Well, shit. It’s the popo. Told you that you were going to get a freakin’ ticket.”
“I know I wasn’t doing anything illegal, my license is valid, and my insurance is current. Why am I still terrified he’s going to slap me in cuffs and haul me back to prison?”
“It’s a conditioned response, apparently, because I feel the same way.”
I cranked my window down since my car was so old that nothing about it was electric. I knew better than to make any quick moves, so I sat with my hands at ten and two while I waited for him to get out of his vehicle and walk to my window.
It seemed to take forever, and I had a feeling he was walking slower than usual just to make me sweat, but I managed to smile when he appeared by my open window and asked the usual questions.
“Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?”
“I was doing 69.”
“Add 12 to that and you’d be correct.”
I looked down at the dash before I looked up at him and asked, “Are you sure?”
“I am one hundred percent sure. I’ve got you on radar, and everything is recorded.”
“Shit,” I whispered under my breath.
“I need your license and proof of insurance, please.”
“Yessir,” I told him before I took my hands off the steering wheel. “It’s in my purse in the back. Can I get it?”
The trooper's eyes darted into the back seat, and he nodded before he said, “Pick up the bag and set it in your lap before you start digging through it.”
I did what he ordered, and within just a second, I had my wallet open and was pulling out my license as I told him, “I’ve got a copy of my insurance saved on my phone. Will that work?”
“Yes, it will. Where are you headed?”
“We’re going home to Rojo.”
“Where have you been?”
“We went to Smiling Farms on the other side of Happy.” I unlocked my phone and found the screenshot of my insurance and handed it to him along with my license and was surprised when he didn’t take it right away. Instead, he seemed to be focused on my purse, so I waited patiently until he looked up at my face and took the items from my hand.
“Turn the car off and wait here, please.”
“Yessir.”
Moe waited until he was back in his patrol car before she said, “Do you think it’s the hat that makes them so fucking grumpy?”
“Maybe. Or he smelled your breath wafting out the car window and thinks we have a dead body stuffed under the seat.”
“A body wouldn’t fit under the seats of this beater unless it was already dust in an urn,” Moe said as she rolled her eyes.
“I don’t know why you hate this car so much. It’s better than your car. Oh, wait! You don’t own a car!”
“I’m saving up for the truck of my dreams.”
“Blah blah blah 1982 blah blah Sierra Grande blah blah chrome wheels.”
“If you don’t quit making fun of me like that, I’m not going to let you ride in it once I find one.”
“I’m not gonna want to ride in it because it’s gonna be in worse shape than this car, and I’m not sure that’s sustainable at speeds over penguin waddle or inchworm shuffle.”
“It’s gonna be badass. Of course, like me, it may need some work to get it all polished up, but when it’s done, it will be a knockout.”
“Were you born with a penis?” I asked. When Moe just laughed, I asked, “The only toys you ever had were Hot Wheels, weren’t they? Is that what’s wrong with you?”
“I was so poor I had to play with sticks and empty beer cans until I was old enough to start stealing toys of my own.”
“You are so full of shit.”
“Ma’am, can I see your ID?”
Moe and I both shrieked in surprise at the interruption as the trooper appeared on the passenger side this time. I wondered how in the world I’d missed the trooper getting out and walking back up to my car.
“It’s in my back pocket,” Moe told him before she started moving. When he nodded, she leaned to the side and pulled out the card holder that she carried and opened it to hand it over.
“Is everything okay, sir?” I asked.
“Stay put. I’ll be right back.”
Again, Moe waited until he was back at his car before she asked, “What the fuck does he need my ID for?”
“I don’t know,” I muttered as I watched him in the rearview mirror. I suddenly saw another car coming over the hill we’d just coasted down and then another close behind it. “Oh, shit. What’s going on?”
“Fuck fuck fuckity fuck!” Moe hissed. “It’s never good when they call in backup. What the fuck is going on right now, Farrah?”
“Call Zoey, and tell her we’re being pulled over and it’s not looking good. Hurry before they get out and swarm us.”
“They’re not going to swarm us,” Moe said firmly. Her voice had lost its edge when she asked, “Right?”
“We haven’t done anything wrong!”
“I know that and you know that, but all he knows is that when he pulled up your fucking name, he saw that you were an ex-con with a drug problem. When he pulls up my name, he’s going to find out that I have a violent history to go along with my drug addiction and have spent almost half my life in fucking prison!”
“Moe? What’s going on?” Zoey asked from the speaker on Moe’s phone.
Moe and I were so upset that neither of us had heard her answer and both started speaking at the same time to answer her question. It quickly became obvious that she couldn’t understand us, so I shut up and let Moe explain our situation.
When she finished, Zoey said, “Farrah, your license and insurance are all in order. At the most, he’s gonna give you a ticket and send you on your way. I understand that both of you are a little freaked out right now, but . . .”
“He called for backup, and now there are four units behind us. Call me paranoid, but my guess is that they’re not here to share road snacks with Moe, Zoey.”
“There are four?” Zoey asked in shock.
“I don’t know whether to be impressed that they think it will take four grown men to haul us in or sad that they think we’re bad enough to need that much force.”
“There is no reason for them to haul you anywhere, Moe. I don’t know what’s going on, but . . .”
“Driver! Passenger! Put your hands outside the vehicle!” a man’s voice boomed out of the loudspeaker on the car behind us.
“Oh, fuck fuck fuck,” Moe chanted as she dropped her phone and thrust her hands out the open window as I did the same.
“Don’t do anything stupid! I’ll get this figured out!” Zoey yelled over the speaker right before the officer in charge gave us further instructions.
“Driver, use your hand to open the door. Slowly get out and put your hands up while you face the front of your vehicle.”
“Shit, Moe! It’s all gonna be okay, right?”
When Moe answered, her voice was completely devoid of emotion. “Just do what they said, Farrah.”
“You, too, okay?”
“Driver! Exit the vehicle and put your hands above your head.”
“Fuck!”
◆◆◆
I looked at the car where they were holding Moe and saw that she was still staring straight ahead. I knew that this was one of her worst fears just like mine and wondered if she’d had nightmares about this same scenario.
Of course, my very worst fear was slipping back into addiction, which would inevitably lead to the situation I was in now or one very much like it.
Although, I had to say that being arrested while sober was much more terrifying than being arrested while high as a kite. I could say that with conviction because I’d done both now, although we weren’t technically under arrest at this point. We were just being detained.
Anyone who had experience with law enforcement knew that was just a precursor to arrest, and my mind was spinning at a mile a minute as I tried to figure out what was going to happen to us. If they did arrest us, we’d be taken to the jail in whatever county we happened to be in right now, then we’d be booked and processed before they’d give us our phone call.
Luckily, we’d already been in touch with Zoey, so whatever she might be able to do on her end was already in motion.
But even better than that was that there was absolutely no reason to hold us. We were sober, neither of us had anything illegal on our person, and there wasn’t anything illegal in my car.
At least I hoped there wasn’t. I was so happy to have my car back that I never thought to search it after the police released it from impound. I was so thrilled it was in working order - not exactly in good condition because it hadn’t been that way when I purchased it, but it was driveable and it was mine. That meant a lot to me.
Suddenly, the door opened and a trooper I hadn’t spoken to before rested one hand on the roof of the car and leaned down to look at me.
“Miss Seaverson, I’ve got some questions for you.” I didn’t respond, so he asked, “Are you willing to talk to me?”
“Am I under arrest?”
“No. You’re just being detained, but I need to get some information from you before I can get this ironed out.”
“Okay.”
“Why are you driving a car that is listed in your name but was reported as a stolen vehicle?”
“It was stolen, but then it was recovered and I was able to get it back from the police impound lot.”
“What’s in your purse and that box behind your seat?”
“Seeds.”
“What kind of seeds?”
“The majority of them are flower seeds, but there are a few vegetable seeds. Each of the packages is marked.”
“There’s a container in the box that’s filled with white powder.”
I blew out my breath and leaned forward to let my head rest on the metal cage in front of me. Of course they thought it was cocaine. Moe and I had even joked about how pure it looked when we were walking out to the car. Ironically, we’d even joked that we hoped we didn’t get pulled over because, at first glance, it looked like we had half a pound of pure Columbian cocaine in a jar.
“What’s in the container, ma’am.?”
“It’s called rooting powder.”
“I’ve never heard it called that before.”
“Unless you’re a plant person, you probably wouldn’t know such a thing exists. It’s some sort of compound that you dip the root of a plant cutting in before you put it in soil. It helps the roots develop quickly to create a new plant from a cutting of the old one.”
“It looks an awful lot like cocaine, but with your history, you’d know that, right?”
I leaned back and stared at him with a bored expression before I said, “Obviously.”
“And yet you’ve got a jar of it out in the open for the world to see.”
“Why hide it if it’s not illegal?” I asked.
“It seems that my trooper might have overreacted.”
“You think?” I asked sarcastically. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before I calmly asked, “What happens now?”
“I’m just wondering what you’re hiding. Why would two ex-cons who both have multiple drug convictions drive an hour out of town to pick up flower seeds?”
“Because we work for a flower farm and need to get those seeds started for a special order, so we didn’t want to wait for them to come in the mail.”
“You understand why my trooper might have overreacted, don’t you?”
“If I say yes, will you let me go?” When he didn’t answer quickly enough, I said, “I know I’ve got a record, but I don't have any outstanding warrants and I’m not under any travel restrictions as long as I don’t spend the night away from Rojo. Yes, my car was stolen, but the police gave it back to me, so I have no idea why it’s still flagged in the system. I’m not worried about any of that, but what does worry me is what my parole officer is going to think when she finds out we were detained for two hours on the side of the highway.”
“Step out of the car, Seaverson.” I turned so I could put my feet on the ground and stood so that I was facing the trooper who, in actuality, had been pretty decent to me. “I’m sorry that this took so long, but I’m going to uncuff you and then you’re free to go.”
“What about my friend?”
“She’s also free to go.”
I turned around so the trooper could take off my cuffs and saw that another was doing the same thing with Moe. I knew she was probably livid right now, but outwardly, she was oddly quiet, which was terrifying.
Although that wasn’t nearly as terrifying as sitting in the back of a patrol car - again, even though I knew that I hadn’t done anything wrong this time.