Chapter 28 Lois
I prize my eyes open and wince. It’s the same old room I’ve called home for four months now.
Ceiling, kitchen, coffee table. Check, check, check.
My stomach is churning—and not just because I was tanked last night.
What happened on Friday was pure hell, especially when I went back to see the administrator on Monday to tell her I changed my mind and that actually I did want that room I turned down, after all.
She laughed right in my face, waved me away, and before I knew it I was drinks-deep with Lewis—Lewis, of all people!
I’ve got a blinding headache, and the details are a little fuzzy, but what I do know is that Lane came to the bar to pick me up. The ride back is a haze, but he definitely put me here, on the couch. The couch, of course. Where else?
I squeeze my eyes shut. This place suddenly feels cold and claustrophobic—just like Lane’s whole vibe. I glance at the oven clock. He’s probably sound asleep in his cozy bed.
I should have left on Friday, made a run for it straight after our fight. But instead, I spent all weekend lying here, waiting for… something. Him to come back, maybe. Some kind of answer. An apology? The point is: He didn’t come home, and he was probably hoping I would leave.
He looked at me like I was trash—like some kind of gross cockroach he needed to exterminate.
Part of me just wants to burst into his room and force him to explain himself, but I know I can’t take any more pain.
He was pretty clear on Friday, anyway—what else is there to ask?
And whatever he says, there’s no coming back from this.
There’s no way we can be friends. How could I get it so wrong?
He never felt a thing for me—or at least not the way I thought.
I get that now. He can just about stomach me—so long as I shut up and just take what I’m given.
Which is the couch, basically. I’m his charity case.
How could he sleep with me and then just move on like nothing happened?
I’ve never felt this ashamed before. Except I have, haven’t I?
When Kirk dumped me—it was just as painful, just as humiliating.
But though it’s only been a few months, I actually think Lane hurts even more.
I shake my head in disbelief. He never promised me anything.
How could I have been so off base? I thought it meant more.
If he thinks I’ll be the girl who sleeps on his couch and gives him sex whenever he feels like it, he’s got another think coming.
I know some people would simply roll with it, but I can’t.
That’s just not me—and it hurts to think that’s how Lane sees me.
This shitty little couch is suffocating me.
I throw off the blanket, jump to my feet, and creep into the bathroom, doing my best not to wake him, scooping up all my remaining things and standing there in front of the mirror, gazing at the total loser staring back at me.
One thing’s for sure—it’s time for me to grow up and stop acting like some lovesick kid.
It’s time for me to start owning my shit.
Once I’ve packed away my stuff, I leave the spare key on the table in the hallway along with a hastily scrawled thank-you note, and throw down the fifty Lewis gave me last night when he lost the bet.
And then I leave, tears streaming down my face as I race down the stairs, feeling so stupid, feeling so mad, too.
Hurt. I toss my bags into the cab that’s waiting for me outside, and call Becca as we drive.
“Hey, Lois!” she trills.
I sniff, steadying my voice. “Can I leave my stuff at your dorm?”
I just need to buy myself a little time while I work on finding a hotel room, and though the plan was never to spill my guts, I start to sob. Becca sighs, muttering something pissy under her breath, before clearing her throat.
“No problem. I spend most nights at Carter’s, anyway. You can even have my bed, if you want. I’ll ask Cart to drop me off—”
“No, I’m serious! Stay where you are!”
I plan on keeping the most painful parts to myself—all these feelings I’ve conjured out of thin air.
Twenty minutes later, and I’m in her room, bumping into Carrie on her way out to class.
“Becca told me you’d be coming by. Make yourself at home.”
“Thanks.” I smile, propping my bags against the desk.
“Do I need to call my cousins and get them to go ’round and deal with O’Neill? They’re all like six foot three.”
“Actually, what I really need right now are M&M’s.”
“That works,” she says, whipping a family-size pack out of the closet. “I gotta run. Catch you later?”
As she shuts the door behind her, I realize she hasn’t asked me a single question, and I’m grateful.
I jump in the shower, pull on my ugliest leggings and my oversize hoodie, and curl up in my new bed. Here I am again, leeching off yet another kind soul, and I know I can’t keep doing this. I decide to block off the day for a major pity party before I give myself a kick in the ass.
I’VE BEEN CAMPED OUT ON Becca’s bed for a whole week now, and I’d love to say the past few days have brought fresh perspective and a new attitude—but I’d be lying.
I’m still as lost as ever, and I’ve got myself stuck in a routine that’s making Carrie lose her mind.
Luckily, she’s way easier to live with than Lane, and I have a real bed all to myself, too.
At least, that’s what I tell myself whenever I find myself missing him.
I just need to ride this out. I’ll get over it—I know I will.
“No more overthinking!”
Carrie throws a cushion at my face, and I toss it back at her.
“I never thought I’d end up missing Becca,” she says, pulling on her pants. “Cut it out, okay?”
“Sorry…”
“I’m not having another friend lose it over some guy.”
“Another friend? What happened?”
“Just… Never mind. Listen, there’s more to life than guys, Lois.”
Once she’s done dressing, she heads to the bathroom, and I sit on Becca’s bed, staring at her bookshelf, chewing on my lip.
Living here feels so weird, but I’m not complaining.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’m starting to realize I should have checked out of Lane’s place a long time ago.
He helped me out when I was at my lowest—I clung to him for reassurance, and while that was exactly what I needed as a stopgap, it didn’t help me grow.
Carrie is right. I need to take ownership of my life like a big girl.
I force myself out of bed and yank on my clothes.
On my way to campus, I consider the facts.
I haven’t heard a word from Lane, and that tells me everything I need to know.
I’ve done my best to avoid the rest of the Campus Drivers.
That leaves Kirk as the only person I keep seeing—wherever I go, he’s right there like a shadow.
I glance around me. I’ve been bumping into him pretty much constantly these days, and it’s absolutely wild to think that while once that was all I ever wanted, right now it’s pissing me off.
“You got a minute, Lois?”
Like I said…
“Kirk. Hey.”
He peers at me. “You okay?”
“Never better,” I drawl. “How can I help?”
My coolness catches him off guard.
“So you’re not living with Lane anymore,” he blurts, gawking at me.
Talk about getting straight to the point.
“It took a while, but I got a dorm room in the end.”
I decide to leave it there, but his face is brightening, and I wonder how he found out.
“That’s awesome!”
I grit my teeth. “Yeah. Really awesome. Thanks for caring, by the way.”
“Ouch.” He winces, a pained expression on his face. “I deserved that. So—you guys still together?”
“Nope.”
We were never together in the first place—but Kirk doesn’t need to know that. And I know that Lane’s the reason he’s back sniffing around me.
“Can I buy you a coffee?”
Coffee? I can’t handle this anymore.
“What is wrong with you?” I snap.
He breathes out, stuffing his hands deeper in his pockets. “Listen, I’ve been thinking. I’d really love if we could talk about what happened.”
“You want to talk?”
“Yeah, I’ve been—”
“Doing a lot of thinking?” I scoff. I’m so tired of this shit. “Yeah, I got that part. Today doesn’t work for me, Kirk.”
And with that I turn on my heel and walk away.
I’m not even the slightest bit curious. Life has a funny way of reshuffling the deck, sometimes.
I never get what I want when I want it. I wanted Kirk—and I got Lane.
And now Kirk’s back on the scene, and all I can think about is Lane.
All these guys do is fuck with my head. I’m slipping into my empowered-woman phase, and they can all suck it.
“Leave me the fuck alone!” I cry as I shove open the doors to the building, slamming them right into a student as I go.
“Ow!”
I gasp. “I’m so sorry!”
“No worries, Lois.”
I freeze. I recognize that voice.
“I was just looking for you.”
Adam is standing right there, beaming at me.
“Hey…”
“How you doing? It’s been a while.”
I glance over his shoulder, checking whether the others are with him.
“It’s just me. I could tell something was up with you and Lane, and that you were avoiding us, too.” He smiles. “Lewis is devastated, you know. He told me to tell you it’s an absolute disgrace.”
I roll my eyes. “That guy seriously needs to expand his vocabulary.”
Adam laughs. “We miss you, you know. Don saw you get on the bus earlier this week, and he was so mad.”
As I listen to him tell me about the other Campus Drivers, I start to realize I’ve missed them all more than I thought.
“Anyway—Lewis and I are having a birthday party next month, and we’d love if you could make it.”
“Oh, I…”
I don’t know what to tell him, and Adam seems low-key offended.
“This year’s a leap year, so it’s gonna be a big one. It would mean a lot if you were there.”
“Why?”
He stares at me incredulously. “Why? Because we want to celebrate with friends. And that means you.”
I stare back at him, just as surprised. I hardly know what friendship means, these days.
“Lois, I don’t know what exactly happened with you and Lane, but that doesn’t change how the rest of us feel about you. And I’m pretty sure things will work themselves out.”
That’s where he’s wrong. The stuff with me and Lane changes everything: there’s no way I can spend another evening with them, and there’s especially no way I can hang out with Lane—not until I’ve moved on.
“I’m running late—can we check back in about this?” I ask, hooking my thumbs under my backpack straps.
He folds his arms over his chest, scowling.
“Can I ask a favor, at least?”
“Anything.”
“Lewis and Don are busy with basketball, obviously—I could do with some help picking up drinks and decorations next week.”
I like Adam. I like him a lot. Right from the start, he always made me feel at ease. I don’t have the heart to say no.
“You can count on me.”
“Amazing. Thanks, Lois. I’ll give you a call and we can figure it out.”
He makes to walk by me, and just as I turn, he scoops me up in his arms and hugs me goodbye.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
He can feel me tense up, and with good reason.
Standing there behind him is Lane. It’s been days since I last saw him, and it’s like a punch to the gut.
He’s chatting to a girl I don’t recognize, and when he turns to glance at me, tears prick behind my eyes.
He stares at me for a moment, before blinking and turning away, as if I were a passing shadow.
It reminds me of how Kirk acted—except this is ten times more painful.
“See you later,” I mumble to Adam.
I make a dash for the classroom, changing my mind on the way, dipping into the restroom instead.
I lock myself in a cubicle and fall back onto the toilet seat, dropping my head between my knees as I gasp for air.
Somewhere buried deep within all that hurt, a flicker of rage is sparking.
I’m still good old Lois who nobody takes seriously—and that needs to stop.
Everyone else is busy living their lives, and here I am, shaking on a toilet seat.
That’s it. Lean into the anger.
I get up, flush the toilet, and watch the water swirl down the bowl.
Time to woman the fuck up.