Chapter 30 Lois #2
“It’s better this way—and you know it. It went on for way longer than we planned, and now you want me back because you feel guilty, or lonely, or something, and that’s just not going to work for me anymore.
” I take a deep breath in. “I don’t want to be some girl crashing on your couch.
What worked for me all those months ago is over.
You helped me out, and I’m so thankful for that. But I don’t need you anymore.”
It’s so painful to hear, and worse still, it’s not true—my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, but deep down I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve just delivered a sucker punch, I can see it on his face. I keep my lips pinched tight, willing myself to stick to my word.
“You don’t need me, either,” I add.
He lets out a long sigh. And then he starts the car and pulls out in silence.
We drive, and drive, and drive. I can tell his mind is racing, and I want to yell at him to speak, to say something—anything—but as per usual, he doesn’t say a word.
What did I expect? This is the mysterious Lane O’Neill in all his splendor, ladies and gentlemen!
And I don’t have the energy to try to figure him out anymore.
When we near the mall, I tell him he can drop me anywhere.
I’m late, and though my enthusiasm for getting coffee with Kirk has faded even more than before, Lane clearly has nothing left to say to me—we’re done here.
The guy sure knows how to rub salt in the wound.
For the briefest of moments, I had thought…
I shrug the idea away. It doesn’t matter what I thought.
All I know is I need to get out of this car ASAP.
He pulls up outside the entrance, and I unclip myself, mumbling a rushed “Thank you” and swinging open the door.
Just as I’m about to step out, he reaches for my arm.
“You’re wrong. I—”
“It’s too late. You said sorry, and I get that, but—”
“Are you meeting up with Kirk?” Lane leans back, his eyes drifting somewhere behind me.
I follow his gaze and swallow hard as I spot my ex just a few feet away from us. Amazing timing.
“Of course you are.” His voice has chilled. “Now that Kirk’s in the game again, who needs stupid old Lane, right?”
In another time, another place maybe, I would have leveled with him—told him I’m meeting Kirk for the hell of it, because I have no idea what I really want anymore.
I would have told him a whole bunch of things.
I would have laid my soul bare. But he lost that right a few weeks ago.
Lane doesn’t get to hear my innermost thoughts anymore.
“Are you kidding me? You’re the one who—”
“You know what? Get out. I think I get the idea,” he snarls. “You’re right, I did feel guilty—but I’m feeling a whole lot better now. You should be thanking me. Mission accomplished, huh? Kirky finally saw the light.” Lane scoffs.
There’s a pressure mounting in my chest. “Don’t do this.”
“Feel free to come crash on the couch next time you need to get laid—it was cool.”
I thought our showdown in the apartment was the worst pain I’d ever feel. I was wrong. I should just leave him here with all his bullshit, but he needs to know he crossed a line.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” I spit.
“I never signed up to be your hookup! After everything we had, this is how you talk to me?” I shake my head.
“Don’t get me wrong—I knew you were an asshole.
I guess I just didn’t realize you were this bad.
I thought we were friends. You know, I actually thought I meant something to you, and that… ”
I pause to catch my breath.
“I know this is stupid and I should just be the bigger person here, but you know what, Lane? Let me tell you something.” I lean into him.
“I was hoping so hard you would ask me to stay that night. Because I felt good, living there. With you. I actually felt like myself again, like there was someone who finally got me. So yeah, okay—I misunderstood your offer. I really thought you were saying I should take that room—”
“I never—”
“I know!” I yell. “I fucking get it, okay? Of course that room was never for me! Of course I didn’t deserve an actual room for myself! Stupid, desperate me!”
“That’s not it.”
“You thought I wasn’t worthy, or something—just say it!” I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. “Just fucking say it!”
“It was my brother’s room!” he yells so loud, my heart skips a beat.
Silence falls across the car. I blink.
“You have a brother?”
“He’s dead, okay?” He shoots me a dirty look, as if I killed the guy with my own bare hands.
His words land like gunshots. I don’t know what to do with them. I glance at Lane. He looks pained and relieved in equal measures.
“I lost my shit when I saw you in there, because it’s his room. It always has been. So stop thinking it’s something you fucking did, okay?”
“You want me to stop? Listen, buddy, you’re the one who ‘lost your shit’ with me, like I majorly fucked up.”
I feel sick, my chest so tight I keep tugging on the collar of my sweater, desperate for air. This is even worse than I imagined. My anger has evaporated, as if Lane just hit the off switch, leaving me alone in the pitch black.
“I just couldn’t tell you.” He keeps his eyes locked on the gearshift. “I should never have spoken to you like that, but when I saw you in that room, I just… Anyway. I’m sorry.”
“ ‘Anyway’?” I say flatly. “You have no idea, do you? You just told me your brother died, Lane. In the middle of a fight—like that explains everything. We’ve known each other for six months now, and we spent almost that whole time living together; I invited you home to meet my family; I told you stuff nobody else knows… ”
Hot tears are trickling down my cheeks. I brush them away with my sleeve.
“I trusted you—and you never thought to tell me?”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is?”
“I get that, I do. But this is us we’re talking about. I thought we…”
I force myself to breathe, trying to make sense of the thoughts racing through my head. Lane has just told me he lost his brother, and I can’t brush that off.
“What happened?”
“A bike accident. Three years ago. November twelfth.”
A bike accident? I think back to how mad he got with Ethan, and it suddenly makes sense.
“November twelfth?” I whisper. “So that evening, when you forgot I was making us dinner… It was the anniversary of his death?”
He nods. My brain is scrambled.
“So now you know. Now you get why…”
It almost sounds like a question. But the truth is—I don’t.
“You had so many chances to tell me,” I say. Everything is slowly slotting into place. “So many. But you said nothing. Why couldn’t you just tell me?”
Part of me wants to scoop him up in my arms and hug him tight, tell him I’m sorry, tell him I have brothers, too, tell him I can only imagine how painful it all must be…
But there’s another part burning even brighter inside me.
I feel empty. Hollow. Lane helped me when I was down—true.
But ultimately, all he’s given me is a big, fat black hole of nothingness.
It had hurt, thinking that we had slept together and it didn’t mean anything to him.
But this feels somehow worse. The truth is that I never mattered to him at all.
I’m shaking. He rests a hand on my wrist, and when I look into his eyes, I can’t read him.
“Come back—”
I whip my hand away so fast, it slams against the window.
“So what’s the plan? You think telling me some sob story is going to make it all better?”
He frowns. “No, but—”
“But nothing! Knowing the truth makes it even worse.” I shake my head sadly.
“I thought you were mad at me because you couldn’t stand me being on your couch anymore.
So yeah—it’s kind of a relief that the real problem was the room, not me.
And hearing about your brother breaks my heart, it really does.
But you know what hurts even more?” I look at him.
“That I didn’t count enough for you to tell me the truth.
Even when you knew how cruel you were being.
You didn’t care enough to tell me about him. ”
Before he can answer, I slip out of the car, but I barely have time to take a couple of steps when I feel his hand on my arm again.
“I just told you my brother died.”
“And I’m so sorry for that,” I say. “Genuinely. If I lost one of my brothers, there’s no way I’d be able to get over it. Or maybe I could—if I had friends who mattered to me, people I could share my pain with.”
“That’s not me.” He loosens his grip on my arm. “It took a lot for me to tell you just now. But it feels good. I’m glad you know.”
I know I’m going to regret what I say next, but I can’t keep it in.
“It’s a shame it’s all a little too late.”
He lets go of my wrist, his face crumpling, and I look away, turning on my heel as I make my way toward the mall. Just as Lane’s engine starts up, Kirk calls out from the entrance. Shit. I totally forgot all about Kirk.
While I wait for the lights to change, I stare across the road at him waiting for me.
What the hell am I doing? Do I really want to hang out with my ex right now?
I feel like I’m playacting my way through my own life.
I should just leave and head back to campus—I’m not in the right headspace for Kirk.
I watch as he darts through the traffic, ambling up the sidewalk to join me.
“Hey!” He pulls me in for a hug, and I shudder. “Everything okay?” His eyes search mine, his hands still resting on my shoulders. “I saw you with Lane. What did he want?”
“Nothing.”
“What did he say?”
I clench my jaw, suppressing the urge to shove him back. Kirk is standing too close, and the last thing I want is to discuss Lane with him. I’m still reeling from what just happened.
“Lois?”
His fingers brush my chin as he tilts my head up to look at him.
“Forget it.”
“I don’t want that guy sniffing around you anymore.”
I blink. The anger layered under my pain is slowly sparking again. He can see the tear tracks running down my face, and yet the only thing he cares about is Lane.
“What?”
“I don’t want some guy hanging around my girlfriend—”
“Your girlfriend?” I bristle. “Last I checked, you dumped me.”
He leans into me, his lips pursed.
“What the hell, Kirk?!” I take a step back.
“Things change.”
His confidence is unbearable. I’m tempted to slap him, I’m tempted to kiss him, too: just to see whether it erases the hurt of the past six months.
I should try, at least. I should want to try.
This is the moment I’ve spent so long daydreaming about after all, but as I scour the face I used to love, something in me is pushing back.
Kirk takes my silence for consent, and doubles down.
When I feel his breath against my lips, I slam my hands into his stomach and shove him back.
“Stop.”
“Why? I know you still have feelings for me.”
I’m so tired of people using me.
“Not like that,” I say, shaking my head. “Not anymore.”
“I’m sorry, okay?” He shrugs. “I was an ass. I should’ve sat down and had an actual conversation instead of just throwing it all away. I really regret it, Lois.”
“You dumped me two days before classes started. You told me I was too much—too ‘me.’ Oh, and too fat. Remember that?”
“I was confused, and yeah—I messed up. It was a dumb move.” So slick. So smooth. “I get that now,” he adds.
“Same here. It took me a while, but there’s loads of stuff I’m starting to get. I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but—I don’t want to get back together with you. I’m done here.”
As I say the words, I wait for a rush of feeling. Nothing comes.
“This is because of Lane, am I right?”
It is, in a way. But not the way Kirk thinks.
I stare him straight in the eye. “It’s to do with you, actually.”
“I said sorry!”
I start to slow-clap. “Well done, you. Better late than never, huh?”
“We were together for four years.”
Like I didn’t know that already.
“Wow,” I say. “You only just remembered? I would’ve given you everything. Anything you asked for.” I laugh. “Who am I kidding? I did give you everything. And you just threw me out like trash. You went straight out to date other girls, you ignored me, you treated me like a piece of shit—”
“And you’re telling me this because you’re hurting and you want me back—”
“I’m telling you because it’s the truth! You know, Kirk, when I really think about it, I’m not even mad at you anymore. You helped me grow. You made me realize I don’t like the old Lois. I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”
And Lane helped me realize that, too. He gave me that much, at least.
“I was so obsessed with you,” I continue. “With our relationship. I was so busy trying to be the perfect girlfriend, I forgot who I was.”
“So now you know who you are, why can’t we just get back together?”
“Because I don’t love you anymore,” I say simply.
And just like that, the veil lifts.