Chapter 9 – Alex
Chapter Nine
ALEX
Staring out the carriage window at the desolate snow-covered countryside, I can’t help but try to blow some warmth into my hands.
I’ve been aching to return home for weeks now.
Father insisted we stay in Maardune through the solstice, so my trip was prolonged.
As nice as it was to see my mother and sister and visit old haunts, it was like forcing myself to squeeze into clothes that don’t fit anymore.
I’ve never felt more alone than during these past weeks, surrounded by a life that no longer feels like my own, a life I no longer want . . . haven’t wanted for a while.
Sera refused to join me on my trip, making some excuse about needing to take care of her family.
It stung, but I suppose traveling together after she thoroughly rejected me would have been painful for both of us.
Knowing I couldn’t bear to leave her behind alone, Kian stayed in Rakveren to keep an eye out for her.
As much as I would have enjoyed his company these past six weeks, I’m grateful.
I rest my hand on the small trunk filled with ancient texts I nicked from Maardune’s great library. Thankfully, Father hasn’t asked any questions about my additional luggage. I promised myself I’d return them eventually though it’s doubtful anyone will even know they’re gone.
There’s been no news from Rakveren all these weeks, and I can’t wait to get home to find out what I missed.
Gods willing, Rae’s travel to Celestia went well.
Would I return to a Sera free from her curse?
I want to hope for good news, but I’m struggling to pull myself out of the dark pit I’ve found myself in.
“You look a little anxious,” Father says, nudging my bouncing knee with his own.
I rub the back of my neck, meeting his hazel eyes that are a mirror of mine. “Just ready to get home,” I say.
“We just left home.” He frowns.
“Maardune hasn’t been home for me in a long time.”
Father angles his head. “You really mean that.”
“I know it’s pointless to lie to you, Father, so why would I even bother?”
A smile curves his lips. “Yes, I’m sure that must be frustrating for you.”
“Trust me, Valisa and I moaned about it plenty growing up.”
“What did you think of your sister’s intended?” Father asks.
This is surely a test, but I’m not sure what answer he’s looking for. “Valisa is happy, and that’s what counts.” Ah, of course. “Meanwhile, I have no desire to be bound any time soon.” I give him a pointed stare.
“I suppose the marriage I’ve been trying to arrange would be a waste of my time?”
“Pretty sure I told you that weeks ago,” I reply, using all my willpower not to roll my eyes at him.
“Are you certain? She’s the princess of Maardune. The best possible match I could make for you. I thought you got along during this trip.”
Father did his absolute best to force us together, and when that didn’t work, Mother practically paraded every available woman through our home, hoping to catch my interest, but despite their best efforts, and my own, there was no way I could stop thinking about the fiery, violet-eyed female who haunts my every waking moment . . . not even my dreams are safe.
“The princess is lovely,” I admit, “but I can’t see a future with her.”
Father crosses his arms and rests his head against the carriage wall. “I’m starting to wonder what kind of future you envision for yourself, considering you’re fighting so hard against all I’ve worked for.”
He closes his eyes with that, and I bite my tongue to refrain from a retort. Sooner or later, I will need to come clean with him about my plans for my life. Despite her rejection, I can’t help but hold on to the modicum of hope that Sera will change her mind once her curse is broken.
The sun hangs low on the horizon when we finally roll onto the palace’s grounds.
I practically leap from the carriage and head straight for Kian and Rae’s wing.
My heart thunders in my chest as I race through the hallways, dodging servants left and right.
Skidding to a halt in front of their door, I rap on it with my knuckles while trying to catch my breath.
Damn, I should have worked out more in Maardune.
“Kian! Rae!” I call out while continuing to knock.
The door swings open, and Kian grins. “You’re back!” He slaps a hand on my shoulder before pulling me into a hug. “I’ve missed you. How was home?”
I pat his back, gaze darting over his shoulder and around the room in the hopes that I might see her. Should I have checked the kitchens first?
“Fine. It was fine,” I say, trying to rein in the disappointment that she’s not here.
“Would you like a drink?” Kian asks, heading over to the cart stocked to the brim with every liquor imaginable. “You’re going to need it.”
Dread chills me to the core. “What the hells is that supposed to mean?”
Kian hands me a glass and nods toward his favorite leather chairs. “Sit, Alex. We need to catch up.”
I twist the glass in my hands, checking the window. I’m running out of time. “Where is she?” I blurt out. “I need to see her before sunset, unless you three figured out how to break her curse?” The question is foolish because I just know Kian is about to hit me with bad news.
“She’s not here,” Kian says, sorrow brimming in his eyes.
“Not here?” I ask. “What do you mean not here. Not here in the palace?”
“She went south. She left Elsmont shortly after you left for Maardune.”
“Why in the hells did you let her do that?” I nearly explode as frustration and disappointment remove all rational thought.
“Please sit down,” Kian says. He must feel pretty damned bad to not get on me for yelling.
My feet weigh hundreds of pounds as I shuffle toward the leather chair and sit. I take a sip of the drink, but it does nothing to soothe my dry throat.
“Listen, I know this is not what you wanted to come home to, but please try to take a breath. She’s not in any danger as far as we know,” Kian continues.
“As far as you know? Well great. Thanks. That’s comforting.”
“Alex—”
“Why south?” I choke out.
“After the pond froze last month, Sera disappeared overnight,” Kian says apologetically.
“I fell asleep because it was so cold, and when I woke up, she was gone. I didn’t even know where to look, and Rae was still in Celestia.
” He runs a hand through his thick, dark hair.
“A few weeks ago, we got a letter from her, all the way from Narvae.”
“Do you still have it?” I ask, hating the desperation in my voice.
“I’m sure Rae kept it. I’ll get it for you later.”
“Well, what did it say?”
Kian frowns. “The swan took over and decided to spend the winter months in a warmer location. Sera insisted we leave her be. She tried to come back every day, but each night, the swan took her farther south. Gods willing, she will be able to return once the weather gets warmer.”
“Fucking swan.”
“I’m sorry, Alex. She’s gone for now, but she’s smart and resourceful. I trust she’ll be okay.”
I bite down on my tongue, trying to keep it together. “Rae didn’t find any answers in Celestia?”
Kian shakes his head. “The gods were tight-lipped, I’m afraid. Rae came back so defeated.”
“Well, shit,” I grit out, taking another sip of my drink.
“I really wish I had better news for you.”
“It’s fine. She made it absolutely clear before I left that there’s no future for us. I don’t even know why I care. I’m over it.” My lies wouldn’t convince a child, but they’re all I have.
Kian reaches over and squeezes my shoulder. “It’s okay to be disappointed, to be worried.”
“Did she say anything else in the letter? Mention me at all?” I’m almost afraid to ask, but I have to know.
Not meeting my gaze, Kian finishes his drink and clears his throat. “Uh, maybe you should just read it later.”
“Spit it out.”
“Just something along the lines of letting you know she doesn’t want you to come looking for her because she meant what she said.” Kian runs a hand through his hair. “And, uh, to congratulate you on your potential match. She’s happy you are moving on.”
“What in the hells are you talking about?”
Kian groans. “Before you left, your father stopped by and told me about his plans to arrange a marriage between you and the princess. Sera might have overheard him.”
“Well that’s just great.”
“Are you going to take him up on it?”
I rub at the ache in my chest, visions of Sera’s last rejection haunting my thoughts once again. “I can’t. Not now, maybe not ever.”
“As much as I want a happily ever after for you two, at some point, you have to ask yourself if it’s meant to be,” Kian says. “You both deserve some happiness, even if it’s not with each other.”
I know he means well, but it doesn’t soften the blow. Sera’s gone, and gods only know when, or if, the swan will let her return . . . but one thing is clear: she doesn’t want me.