Chapter Eleven #3
Shane patiently waited for her to finish and then shook his head.
“Three things. First,” he leaned to rest his folded arms on the table, “you’re not walking all over me, and you’re not pushing me around.
We do stuff you enjoy because … I love seeing life through your eyes.
Sure, I have interests and like to hunt and fish, and there was one time I went cow tipping with some of the other guys in my class, but every time I was out doing something like that, I was thinking about you.
I’d rather choke on the smell of flowers and be beside you than spend even an hour fishing.
My day is more exciting with you, doing the things that make you light up and laugh.
” He poked the cup of Boba tea. “Even if it means drinking straight sugar.”
Kimberly didn’t hold back her bittersweet smile.
“Secondly, I can count the number of girlfriends I’ve had in the last ten years on one hand.
” Shane held up two fingers. “Neither of them lasted very long, so there was no time to decide who was calling the shots. There was never a spark, never anything that kept me interested. I know it’s totally dick-ish to say, but they meant nothing to me, compared to you. ”
Kimberly dipped her chin and bit her lips together.
She didn’t want to think about Shane being with another woman.
It would have been stupid to expect that he’d stay completely single and celibate during their separation.
There was nothing to suggest they would ever reunite, so why shouldn’t he date other women and find his perfect alpha female?
“Thirdly, what you did last night was not bullying. You were setting the record straight and calling me on my bullshit. Asserting what you want and don’t want isn’t nagging or bullying.
It shows you have respect for yourself and your boundaries.
” He leaned closer and dropped his voice to a rough rumble.
“And I’m going to say it again; that was hot. ”
Kimberly snorted a laugh and covered her mouth and nose in a desperate attempt to stifle the awkward sound.
“I hardly see how my screaming and cussing you out is attractive. I dug deep for that courage, just so you know. The last time I was that … crazy, for lack of a better word, was when I was, like, six.” By the odd twitch of confusion in his brows, she knew he had no clue what she was talking about. “Do you remember my mom’s sewing room?”
Shane took another sip of his coffee, then nodded as he swallowed. “I think so.”
“The walls were decorated with stuff from all the places she traveled and there was this Japanese kabuki mask with horns and fangs. Every time I walked into that room, I’d purposefully avoid looking at it because it scared me so much.
I kept having nightmares that it would jump off the wall and come after me.
I guess I had watched snippets of a horror movie or something because I have this distinct memory of standing in my mom’s sewing room and yelling at this scary mask, saying stuff like, I’m not afraid of you, and You have no power over me, and You will not hurt me or my family.
I walked out thinking I was just so brave for telling off this stupid mask on the wall. ”
Shane grinned from ear to ear. “That’s adorable.”
Kimberly rotated her cup between her hands. “Yeah, well, last night wasn’t that adorable.”
“Okay, adorable may not be the right word, but it was still great.” Shane reached out and landed a heavy, warm hand on top of hers.
“You channel that brave girl any time you want. That attitude, plus some kickass moves, and no one will ever doubt your ability to take care of yourself. Dominance or not.”
That was what Kimberly wanted all along.
She wanted the freedom to go anywhere, do anything, and be anyone she wanted, without other shifters afraid that she’d break like a porcelain figurine.
She never wanted to be so fragile, but if she were honest, last night, despite all her blustering, she had never felt more vulnerable.
Shane could have seen her outburst as something else entirely.
He could have thrown up his hands and denied her boundaries.
He could have ordered her out. He could have punished her for being so insolent toward a high-ranking alpha.
That was what Isaac would have done. She knew the moment she stormed into his apartment she put everything on the line.
Everything could have crumbled like a dried leaf in a tight fist.
“Were you … Were you really going to leave me alone? Gage said—”
Shane’s eyes went dark. “Don’t mind what Gage said.” As if realizing where they were and that chatting veterans were too close, he lowered his voice. “I didn’t exactly say that, but I let him believe it.”
“Why?”
Shane struggled with his word choice. “You, of all people, should understand how I feel about deception and secrets. When I figured out that you had been keeping something from me, something really important, I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“I wasn’t trying to deceive you.” Kimberly hoped the urgency in her voice translated as sincerity and not as if she were compensating for being caught in a lie.
“I know you weren’t now, but at the time …
it hurt to think you didn’t trust me. I can only be an effective alpha if my pack trusts me to take care of them.
I lost over half my pack to Kevin because they lost confidence in me.
The more you kept pushing it off, saying you weren’t ready to talk and that it wasn’t about me, the more I wanted to believe the opposite.
I wondered what I was doing wrong, what it was that prevented you from trusting me.
I couldn’t understand why you suddenly shut me out.
That night at the gym, I didn’t know whether I was more furious with you, the bastard that messed you up, or with myself. ”
Kimberly let her gaze drop to the table, ashamed of the way she had unintentionally hurt him.
Shane’s fingers pressed into the side of his mug in his hand. “You explained yourself well enough … but if you trusted me more, would you have told me sooner?”
Kimberly wished she had a warm and fuzzy answer for him, to assure him that whatever he believed about himself was wrong and that trust had nothing to do with her decision to withhold the truth, but that would have been a lie.
A tiny part of her didn’t trust him, but only because she was so terrified of being shattered again, of being rejected and made to feel like she was worthless because she struggled.
“I don’t know.” The words barely broke through the hiss of the grill in the kitchen and a bout of grisly laughter from the veterans, but Shane would have heard her.
He nodded as if to force himself to acknowledge her answer. “It doesn’t change anything, but I … I know this feels complicated and maybe too good to be true, but I really want to believe that there could be an us. I had my doubts before, but now…”
Kimberly saw a wry smile in her peripheral.
“You beat me to it.”
“To what?”
“Saving us.”
Kimberly lifted her gaze to meet his. But there was nothing of the previous hurt, hate, or anger.
Instead, she saw gratitude and a softness that showed all was forgiven, that they had come out of the fire.
They both had been singed by the flames and stank of smoke, but alive and perhaps even closer somehow.
Did she really save this complicated, tangled mess of a relationship, if that was what it was?
Was that what she had been trying to do?
What was it that they were anyway? Half ten years stale and half groping for unbridled passion just beyond their fingertips, whatever this was had seemed to be on the verge of self-destruction.
Were they really in the clear now? Or was this just a prelude to how chaotic things would get?