Chapter 8 #5
"Well, I think she sees a little of herself in Mackenzie."
"She is strong-willed."
"Mm. And determined to prove to Alex that she can do anything—anything. It scares Alex."
"When Alex was small, she followed her father everywhere. He was quite athletic, like her. He loved to be active, always wanting to be moving." She sighed. "He hated working behind a desk."
Cassidy listened.
"I don't think he ever considered he might be expected to take over when his father stepped back from running Carecom."
"Really?"
Helen nodded. "I knew he worked for the CIA.
I didn't ask questions. That's what I was taught.
My parents had connections to the agency.
It wasn't discussed. I'd heard it mentioned.
My grandmother explained it to me—the way an adult explains something out of a child's grasp.
But I understood enough—enough to know I was not meant to ask questions. "
Cassidy shook her head.
"The first few years after Nicolaus assumed control of the company, his father was still a presence.
It gave him a bit more freedom. But when that changed, so did he.
Not completely, and not all at once. He felt backed into a corner.
I know that much. And I don't know what happened.
What he saw. What he learned. I do know he grew disillusioned with the work—or whatever 'mission' he'd been assigned. "
"Did he say something?"
"He didn't need to," Helen replied. "I could feel it. See it in the way he aged." She sighed. "He didn't want that for Alexis. And he knew if she chose to enter the military, she would be a target."
Cassidy's eyes closed.
"I don't mean a physical target," Helen said. "She'd be targeted by the agency. Likely more than one. And he was right."
"It was her choice, Helen."
"It feels that way. And I know she likes the challenge. She thrives on challenges. Always has. But it wasn't completely her decision, Cassidy. Once you enter that world, even if you only put a toe in to test the waters, you offer yourself as bait. That's how Jim has explained it."
"My father said that?"
Helen nodded.
Cassidy sat back, letting the words settle.
Bait.
It was an ugly word. Worse, because it made sense.
She thought of Alex at West Point. Alex at the FBI.
Alex at Carecom. Alex walking toward danger over and over, partly because she believed in service, partly because she loved challenge, and partly because someone somewhere had likely seen the shape of her long before she fully understood herself.
"My father told me something like that once," Cassidy said.
Helen looked at her.
"Not in those words. But when everything started with Claire, he tried to explain how people get pulled in. How one choice leads to another. How by the time you realize you're standing inside the machine, you're already part of it."
Helen's expression softened. "Jim would understand that."
"He would." Cassidy smiled sadly. "He does. Maybe too well."
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
The house was quiet in the peculiar way it became only after children were asleep or pretending to be.
"Nicolaus never knew how to admit to his fears," Helen said.
Cassidy looked at her.
"He understood them. More than he admitted.
More than he would have wanted anyone to know.
But he had no idea how to say, 'I am afraid for you.
' So he said no. He said impossible things.
Cruel things." Her eyes filled, though her voice remained steady.
"He turned his love for Alex into an effort to command her choices. "
Cassidy's throat tightened.
"And all Alex heard was rejection," Helen said.
"Of course she did."
Cassidy reached for her tea.
"I should have helped her understand that it came from his fear. His fear for her," Helen said.
"Helen."
"I should have tried harder."
"Hindsight makes our choices seem sharper, more in focus than they really were."
"That's generous."
"Maybe it is. It's also true."
Helen raised her brows.
"Oh, I see where this is going," Cassidy said.
"Do you?"
"I want to forgive my father, Helen. I really do. I just?—"
"He hurt you."
"Yes. He did. But it's what happened with Claire that I just can't seem to let go. I've heard his reasons. I even believe him."
"But?"
"But they sound more like excuses."
Helen nodded.
"You wish you could have helped Alex understand her father. But Nicolaus also had choices, Helen. Fear or not, he could have chosen differently. He could have tried to deter Alex without making her feel inadequate or worse, vilified."
Helen sighed.
"And that choice was his—not yours. Alex knows that."
"I wish that made me feel better."
"I know. We all wish we could have do-overs," Cassidy said, chuckling.
"But most of us can admit that, Helen. My father?
If I think about it, Jonathan, Edmond, and forgive me for saying it, even Nick—everything with them is always represented as an imperative.
There is no other way. No other choice to make.
And it's always because of someone else.
As if someone has taken away their ability to choose for themselves.
Maybe it's because they're afraid for us.
I think, if they're honest, most of their choices are about preserving something for themselves.
Whether that's hiding something or hiding from something, I can't say.
But they don't accept accountability. They expect us to accept their excuses. "
Helen sighed. It was all true. Every word.
"That's a hard thing to accept," Helen said.
"What?"
"That someone can love you and still make choices they know will hurt you."
Cassidy looked down at her tea.
"And what's even harder," Helen continued, "is accepting that understanding why they made those choices doesn't require us to forgive the damage they caused."
Cassidy's eyes lifted.
Helen smiled sadly. "It's true."
Cassidy nodded.
"I spent years telling myself I understood Nicolaus," Helen said. "And in many ways, I did. I knew his fears. His burdens. The weight he carried. I knew enough to see the man beneath the choices." She paused. "But seeing the man doesn't erase what those choices cost Alexis."
"No," Cassidy said softly. "It doesn't."
"And your father?" Helen asked gently.
Cassidy exhaled. "Seeing the man doesn't erase what happened to Claire."
Helen's expression softened.